A Special Washing Machine 1 page

Ship or Sheep?

An Interesting Film [ I ]

Bill: Is Tim In?

Lyn: Is he coming to the pictures?

Mum: Tim’s ill.

Bill: Here he is! Hello, Tim!

Tim: Hello, Bill.

Lyn: Are you ill, Tim?

Tim: Is it an interesting film?

Lyn: It’s “Big Jim and the Indians”.

Bill: And it begins in six minutes.

Mum: If you’re ill, Tim…

Tim: Quick! Or we’ll miss the beginning of the film.

An Expensive Holiday [ e ]

Eddie: Hello, Ellen! Hello, Ben! Hello,

Jenny!

Ben: Hello, Eddie! Have a cigarette!

Eddie: Thanks, Ben.

Ellen: Help yourself to whiskey!

Jenny: It’s on the shelf.

Ben: How did you spend your holiday,

Eddie?

Eddie: I went to America with a friend.

Everybody: Well!

Ellen:We are all jealous.

Ben: Was it expensive?

Eddie: Yes, I’ve spent everything.

Jenny: Haven’t you any money left?

Eddie: Yes, Jenny, ten pence!

TV Advertisement for “Onwash” [ o ]

Voice A: What’s wrong with you, Mrs Bloggs?

Mrs Bloggs: What’s wrong with me? I want a holiday from this terrible job of washing socks!

Voice B: Buy a bottle of “Onwash”, Mrs Bloggs!

Voice C: “Onwash” is so soft and strong!

Voice D: You don’t want lots of hot water with “Onwash”!

Voice A: It’s not a long job with “Onwash”!

Voice B: Use “Onwash” often.

Voice C: You won’t be sorry when you’ve got “Onwash”.

Voice D: Everybody wants “Onwash”.

Everybody: “Onwash” is so popular!

The Worst Nurse [ ə: ]

Herbert: Nurse!

Burton: Nurse! I’m thirsty!

Herbert: Nurse! My head hurts!

Burton: Nurse!

Herbert: Curse these nurses!

Burton: Nurse Sherman always wears such dirty shirts.

Herbert: And such short skirts.

Burton: She never arrives at work early.

Herbert: She and Nurse Turner weren’t at work on Thursday, were they?

Burton: No, they weren’t.

Herbert: Nurse Sherman is the worst nurse in the ward, isn’t she?

Burton: No, she isn’t. She’s the worst nurse in the world!

I Love You [⋀ ]

Russ: Honey, why are you so sad?

Honey, why are you so unhappy?

Janet: You don’t love me, Russ.

Russ: But, honey I love you very much.

Janet: That’s untrue. You love my cousin, Sunny. You think she’s lovely and I’m

ugly.

Russ: Janet, just once last month I took

Sunny out for lunch. You mustn’t worry. I like your company much better than Sunny’s.

Janet: Oh, shut up, Russ.
Russ: But, honey, I think you’re

wonderful. You mustn’t…

Janet: Oh, shut up!

At a party [ a: ]

Margaret: Where’s your glass, Barbara?

Barbara: It’s on the bar.

Martin: Barbara! Margaret! Come into the garden! Martha and Charles are dancing in the dark.

Margaret: In the garden? What a laugh!

Barbara: So they are! They are dancing on the grass.

Margaret: They are dancing under the stars.!

Martin: And Arnold’s playing his guitar.

Barbara; Doesn’t Martha look smart!

Margaret: Look at Charles! What a marvelous dancer!

Barbara: Ah! Let’s take a photograph of Martha and Charles.

Martin: We can’t. It’s too dark.

A Lost Book [ u ]

Mr Cook: Woman! Could you tell me where you’ve put my book?

Mrs Cook: Isn’t it on the bookshelf?

Mr Cook: No. The bookshelf is full of your cookery books.

Mrs Cook: Then you should look in the bedroom, shouldn’t you?

Mr Cook: I’ve looked. You took that book and put it somewhere, didn’t you?

Mrs Cook: The living-room?

Mr Cook: No, I’ve looked. I’m going to put all my books in a box and lock it!

Mrs Cook: Look, Mr Cook! It’s on the floor next to your foot.

Mr Cook: Ah! Good!

A Pair of Hairbrushes [ɛ ə ]

Mary: I’ve lost two small hairbrushes. They’re a pair.

Claire: Have you looked carefully everywhere?

Mary: Yes. They’re nowhere here.

Claire: Have you looked upstairs?

Mary: Yes. I’ve looked everywhere upstairs and downstairs. They aren’t anywhere.

Claire: Are they square, Mary?

Mary: Yes. They’re square hairbrushes. Have you seen them anywhere?

Claire: Well, you’re wearing one of them in your hair!

Mary: Oh! Then where is the other one?

Claire: It’s over there under the chair.

A Bearded Mountaineer [ ı ə ]

Mr Lear: Let’s have a beer here, dear.

Mrs Lear: What a good idea! They have very good beer here. We came here last year.

Mr Lear: The atmosphere here is very clear.

Mrs Lear: And it’s windier than last year.

Mr Lear: (to the waiter) Two beers, please.

Mrs Lear: Look, dear! Look at that mountaineer drinking beer.

Mr Lear: His beard is in his beer.

Mrs Lear: His beard has nearly disappeared into his beer!

Mr Lear: Shh, dear! He might hear.

Waiter: Here you are, sir. Two beers.

Mr Lear: Cheers, dear!

Mrs Lear: Cheers! Here’s to the bearded mountaineer!

A Mouse in the House [ au ]

Mrs Brown: I’ve found a mouse!

Mr Brown: Ow! You’re shouting too loudly. Sit down and don’t shout.

Mrs Brown: I’ve found a mouse in the house.

Mr Brown: A brown mouse?

Mrs Brown: Yes. A little round mouse. It’s running around in the lounge.

Mr Brown: On the ground?

Mrs Brown: Yes. It’s under the couch now.

Mr Brown: Well, get it out.

Mrs Brown: How?

Mr Brown: Turn the couch upside-down. Get it out somehow. We don’t want a mouse in our house. Ours is the cleanest house in the town.

At the Railway Station [ ei ]

Mr Grey: Hey! This train’s late! I’ve been waiting here for ages!

Porter: Which train, sir?

Mr Grey: The 8.18 to Baker Street.

Porter: The 8.18? I’m afraid, you’ve made a mistake, sir.

Mr Grey: A mistake? My time table says: Baker Street train - 8.18.

Porter: Oh, no, sir. The Baker Street train leaves at 8.08.

Mr Grey: At 8.08?

Porter: You see, sir, they changed the timetable at the end of April. It’s the first of May today.

Mr Grey: Changed it? May I see the new timetable? What does it say?

Porter: It says: Baker Street train - 8.08.

Mr Grey: Hh! So the train isn’t late. I’m late.

Mike, Myra and Violet [ ai ]

Myra: Hello, Mike!

Mike: hello, Myra. Hello, Violet. You’re looking nice, Violet.

Mike: Would you like some ice-cream, Violet?

Violet: No, thanks, Mike. I’m busy typing. Talk to me some other time. I have ninety-nine pages to type by Friday.

Mike: Never mind. Do you like riding, Violet?

Violet: Sometimes.

Mike: Would you like to come riding with me tonight, Violet?

Violet: Not tonight, Mike. I’m going for a drive with Nigel.

Mike: What about Friday?

Violet: I’m going climbing with Miles.

Mike: Hm! Oh, all right. Bye!

Myra: Violet, he’s put something behind your typewriter.

Violet: Is it something nice, Myra?

Myra: No. It’s a spider.

Passports, please [ p ]

Official: Passports, please!

Mr Tupman: I think I’ve lost the passports, Poppy.

Mrs Tupman: How stupid of you, Peter! Didn’t you put them in your pocket?

Mr Tupman: Here’s a pen, a pencil, my pipe, a postcard, an envelope, a stamp, a pin…

Mrs Tupman: Oh, stop taking things out of your pockets. Perhaps you put them in the plastic bag.

Mr Tupman: Here’s a newspaper, an apple, a pear, a plastic cup, a spoon, some paper plates, a piece of pork pie, a pepper pot…

Mrs Tupman: Oh, stop pulling things out of the plastic bag, Peter. These people are getting impatient.

Mr Tupman: Well, help me, Poppy.

Mrs Tupman: We’ve lost our passports. Perhaps we dropped them on the plane.

Official: Then let the other passengers pass, please.

Mr Tupman: Poppy, why don’t you help? You aren’t being very helpful. Put the things in the plastic bag.

Official: your name, please?

Mr Tupman: Tupman.

Official: Please, go upstairs with the policeman, Mr Tupman.

Happy Birthday [ b ]

Bob: Hello, Barbara!

Barbara: hello, Bob. It’s my birthday today.

Bob: Oh, yes. Your birthday! Happy birthday, Barbara!

Barbara: Thanks, Bob. Somebody gave me this blouse for my birthday.

Bob: What a beautiful blouse! It’s got brown and blue butterflies on it.

Barbara: And big black buttons.

Bob: Did Ruby buy it for you?

Barbara: Yes. And my brother gave me a hairbrush and a book about baby birds.

Bob: I didn’t remember your birthday, Barbara. I’m terribly sorry.

Barbara: Well you can buy me a big bottle of perfume, Bob!

Bob: I’ve got a better idea. We’ll get into a cab and go to a pub, and I’ll buy you a bottle of beer!

A Damaged Telephone [ d ]

- Dunstone, 238-8282

-Hello, Daisy. This is Donald.

-Oh, hello, darling.

-What did you do yesterday? You forgot our date, didn’t you?

-Well, it rained all day. Donald, I have a bad cold, so I decided to stay at home.

-Did you? I telephoned 20 times and nobody answered.

- Oh, the telephone was damaged. They repaired it today.

- What did David do yesterday? Did he and Dotty go dancing?

- No. They stayed at home and played cards with the children.

-And what did you do? Did you play cards too?

- No. Sidney and I listened to the radio and studied. What did you do yesterday, Donald?

-I’ve just told you, Daisy. I tried to phone you 20 times!

Guests in August [ g ]

Craig: I’ve just got a telegram from Margaret and Greg.

Carol: Are they coming to England again?

Craig: Yes. At the beginning of August.

Carol: Good. We can all get together again.

Craig: I’m glad they are coming in August. We can take the dog and go for walks together.

Carol: Yes. And we can give a garden party.

Craig: And Margaret can play her guitar in the garden and sing Greek songs again.

Carol: Yes. August is a good time to come to England.

The Cuckoo Clock [ k ]

Mrs Cook: Would you like some cream in your coffee, Mrs Clark?

Mrs Clark: No thank you. But I’d like a little milk.

Mrs Cook: Would you like some chocolate cakes?

Mrs Clark: Thank you.

Mrs Cook: Take two. Here’s a cake fork, and here’s a…

Mrs Clark: Excuse me, Mrs Cook. But what’s that next to your bookshelf? Is it a clock?

Mrs Cook: Yes. It’s an American cuckoo clock.

Mrs Clark: Is it plastic?

Mrs Cook: Oh, no, Mrs Clark. It’s a very expensive clock. It’s an electric clock.

Mrs Clark: Well, it’s exactly six o’clock now, and its very quiet. Doesn’t it say ‘cuckoo’?

Mrs Cook: Of course, Mrs Clark. Look!

Clock: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Mrs Clark: How exciting! What a clever clock!

Clock: Cuckoo!

At an Accomodation Agency [ n ]

- Good morning. I want an apartment in central London.

- Certainly, sir. How much rent did you want to pay?

- No more than $27 a month.

- $27 a month? We don’t often have apartments as inexpensive as that. We have one apartment for $29 a month in Northern Avenue. It’s down near the station.

- Is it furnished?

- No, it’s unfurnished. The kitchen has no oven. It’s forbidden to use the garden. No friends in the apartment after 11 in the evening. No noise and no television after 11.15. No…

- No thank you! I want an apartment, not a prison!

NOISY NEIGHBOURS [ŋ ]

- Bang! Bang! Bang! What are the Kings doing at 7 o’clock on Sunday morning?

- Well, Mr King is singing.

- Yes, but what’s the banging noise?

- He’s standing on a ladder and banging some nails into the wall with a hammer. Now he’s hanging some strong string on the nails.

- And what’s Mrs King doing?

- She’s bringing something pink for Mr King to drink. Now she’s putting it under the ladder and…Ohh!

- What’s happening?

- The ladder’s falling.

- What’s Mr King doing?

- He’s hanging from the string. He’s holding the string in his fingers and he’s shouting to Mrs King.

- And is she helping him?

- No. She’s running to our house. Now she’s ringing the bell.

- I’m not going to answer. I’m sleeping.

At the Photographer’s [ f ]

Phillip: I want a photograph of myself and my wife.

Photographer: Please fill in this form, sir. Would you prefer a full front photograph or a profile?

Phillip: A full front, don’t you think, Phillippa?

Phillippa: Yes, a full front photograph.

Photographer: Please sit on the sofa. Is it comfortable, Mrs Puffin?

Phillippa: Yes, It feels fine.

Photographer: Mr Puffin, please give a friendly laugh.

Phillip: That’s difficult. If you say something funny, I can laugh.

Photographer: And, Mrs Puffin, please look soft and beautiful.

Phillip: (laughs)

Phillippa: Is it finished?

Photographer: Yes.

Phillip: Will the photograph be ready for the first of February?

Photographer: Yes. Please phone my office after five days, Mr Puffin.

Puffin -‘тупик (зверек)

A Walk in the Woods [ w ]

Gwen: Did you see Victor on Wednesday, Wendy?

Wendy: Yes, we went for a walk in the woods near the railway.

Gwen: Wasn’t it cold on Wednesday?

Wendy: Yes. It was very cold and wet. We wore warm clothes and walked quickly to keep warm.

Gwen: It’s lovely and quiet in the woods.

Wendy: Yes. Further away from the railway it was very quiet and there were wild squirrels everywhere. We counted twenty squirrels.

Gwen: How wonderful! Twenty squirrels! And did you take lunch with you?

Wendy: Yes. About twelve we had veal sandwiches and sweet white wine, and we watched the squirrels. It was a very nice walk.

It’s Expensive [ s ]

Sam: Let’s go to the seaside on Sunday.

Alice: Yes! Let’s go sailing and water-skiing. That’s exciting.

Sam: It’s expensive too. Let’s just sit in the sun and go swimming instead.

Alice: Let’s stay in the Six Star Hotel and spend Sunday there too.

Sam: Be sensible, Alice. It’s too expensive. Let’s sleep outside instead.

Alice: Yes. Let’s sleep on the sand. That’s more exciting.

Surprises in the Post Office [ z ]

Mrs Smith: This parcel smells, Mrs Jones.

Mrs Jones: Something’s written on it.

Mrs Smith: What does it say?

Mrs Jones: It says: This parcel contains six mice.

Mrs Smith: Pooh!

Mrs Jones: Listen! What’s in this sack?

Mrs Smith: It’s making a strange hissing noise.

Sack: (hisses) Sssssssssssssssss!

Mrs Jones: Mrs Smith! It’s a sack of snakes!

Mrs Smith: So it is! And what’s in this box, Mrs Jones?

Mrs Jones: It’s making a buzzing sound.

Box: (buzzes) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Mrs Smith: These are bees!

Mrs Jones: A parcel of mice! And a sack of snakes! And a box of bees! This is very surprising.

Mrs Smith: It’s amazing! This isn’t a post office, Mrs Jones. It’s a zoo!

A Special Washing Machine

Mrs Marsh: Does the shop sell washing machines?

Mr Shaw: Yes. This is the newest washing machine, madam.

Mrs Marsh: Is it Swedish?

Mr Shaw: No, madam. It’s English.

Mrs Marsh: Please show me how it washes.

Mr Shaw: Shall I give you a demonstration? Here are some sheets and shirts. You put them in the machine. You shut the door. And you push this button.

Mrs Marsh: The machine shouldn’t shake like that, should it?

Mr Shaw: Washing machines always shake, madam. Ah! It’s finished now.

Mrs Marsh: But the sheets have shrunk, and so have the shirts.

Mr Shaw: Do you wish to buy this machine, madam?

Mrs Marsh: I’m not sure.

At the Butcher’s [ʧ ]

Butcher: Good morning, Mrs Church.

Mrs Church: Good morning, Mr Cheshir. I’d like some chops for the children’s lunch.

Butcher: Chump chops or shoulder chops, Mrs Church?

Mrs Church: I’ll have four shoulder chops, and I want a small chicken.

Butcher: Would you like to choose a chicken, Mrs Church?

Mrs Church: Which one is cheaper?

Butcher: This one is the cheapest. It’s a delicious chicken.

Mrs Church: How much is all that? I haven’t got cash. Can I buy it by cheque?

George Churchill [ʤ ]

Jerry: Just outside this village there’s a very dangerous bridge.

John: Yes. Charles told me two jeeps crashed on it in January. What happened?

Jerry: Well, George Churchill was the driver of the larger jeep, and he was driving very dangerously. He’d been drinking jin.

John: George Churchill? Do you know George Churchill?

Jerry: Yes. That ginger-haired chap. He’s the manager of the travel agency in Chester.

John: Oh yes, I remember George. He’s always telling jokes. Well, was anybody injured?

Jerry: Oh yes. The other jeep went over the edge of the bridge, and two children and another passenger were badly injured.

John: Were both the jeeps damaged?

Jerry: Oh yes.

John: And what happened to George?

Jerry: George? He’s telling jokes in jail now, I suppose.

EARLY for LUNCH [ l ]

- Hello, Lily. You’re looking lovely today.

- Hello, Mr Alien. You’re early for lunch. It’s only 7 o’clock.

- When I come later there’s usually nothing left.

- What would you like?

- Leg of lamb, please.

- And would you like a plate of salad? It’s lettuce with black olives.

- Marvellous! I love olives.

- And would you like a glass of lemonade?

- Yes, please, Lily. And a slice of melon and some yellow jelly.

A Proud Parent [ r ]

- Are all the children grown up now, Puth?

- Oh yes. Laura is the cleverest one. She’s a librarian in the public library.

-Very interesting. And what about Rita?

-She’s a secretary at the railway station.

- And what about Rosemary? She was always a very pretty child.

- Rosemary is a waitress in a restaurant in Paris. She’s married to an electrician.

- And what about Jerry and Roland?

- Jerry drives a lorry. He drives everywhere in Europe.

- Really? Which countries does he drive to?

- France and Austria and Greece and Russia.

- And does Roland drive a lorry too?

- Oh, no. Roland is a pilot.

- Really? Which countries does he fly to?

- Australia and America.

GOSSIPS [ θ ]

Judith: Edith Smith is only thirty.

Ethel: Is she? I thought she was thirty-three.

Judith: Edith’s birthday was last Thursday.

Ethel: Was it? I thought it was last month.

Judith: The Smiths’ house is worth thirty thousand pounds.

Ethel: Is it? I thought it was worth three thousand.

Judith: Mr Smith is the author of a book about moths.

Ethel: Is he? I thought he was a mathematician.

Judith: I’m so thirsty.

Ethel: Are you? I thought you drank something at the Smiths’.

Judith: No, Edith gave me nothing to drink.

Ethel: Shall I buy you a drink?

Judith: Thank you.

A Hat in the Window [ ð ]

A: I want to buy a hat in the window.

B: There are three hats together in the window, madam. Do you want the one with the feathers?

A: No, the other one.

B: The small one for three pounds?

A: No. Not that one either. That one over there. The leather one.

B: Ah! The leather one. Now this is another leather hat, madam. It’s better than the one in the window. It’s a smoother leather.

A: I’d rather have the one in the window. It goes with my clothes.

B: Certainly, madam. But we don’t take anything out of the window until three o’clock on Thursday.

A Horrible Accident [ h ]

Helen: Hello, Ellen.

Ellen: Hello, Helen. Have you heard? There’s been a horrible accident.

Helen: Oh dear! What’s happened?

Ellen: Hilda Higgins’ husband has had an accident on his horse.

Helen: How awful! Is he injured?

Ellen: Yes. An ambulance has taken him to the hospital

Helen: How did it happen?

Ellen: He was hit by an express train. It was on the crossing just behind his house.

Helen: How horrible!

Ellen: He’s having an important operation in hospital now. Poor Hilda! She’s so unhappy.

Helen: Perhaps he’ll be all right.

Ellen: I hope so.

In a Department Store [ t ]

-I want to buy a hat.

-Hats are upstairs, on the next floor.

-Where can I get a hot meal?

-The restaurant is on the 13^th floor.

-I want to buy some boot laces.

-They are on the next counter on your left, dear.

-I want some tins of tomato paste.

-Try the supermarket in the basement.

-Could you tell me where the Travel Agency is?

-It’s right next to the cafeteria on the 13^th floor.

-I want to buy a foot ball.

-Take the lift to the Sports Department. It’s on the top floor.

-Could you tell me where the telephone is?

-It’s on the 12^th floor opposite the Photographer’s.

-Could you tell us the time, please?

-Yes. It’s exactly 22 minutes to 10.

A Stupid Student [ ju: ]

A: Excuse me! Did you use to live in York?

B: Yes.

A: Did you use to be a tutor at the University?

B: Yes, for a few years.

A: Do you remember Hue Young? He was a music student.

B: Hue Young…Did he use to have a huge yellow jeep?

A: Yes. And he used to play beautiful tunes on the tube.

B: Yes, I knew Hue. He used to be a very stupid student. Do you have any news of him?

A: Yes. He is a millionaire now in New York.

B: Millionaire? Playing the tube!

A: No, he produces jam in tubes and tins of sausages and onion stew and sells them in Europe. I read about Hue in the newspaper yesterday.

B: Oh! Well, he wasn’t so stupid.

Date: 2015-12-18; view: 1014