TAKING THE STRESS OUT OF STRESSFUL CONVERSATIONS

1. We all live by talking. That’s just the kind of animal we are. We chatter and tattle and gossip and jest. But sometimes – more often than we’d like – we have stressful conversations, those sensitive exchanges that can hurt us in ways no other kind of talking does. Stressful conversations are unavoidable in life, and in business they can range from firing a subordinate to, curiously enough, receiving praise. Whatever the context, stressful conversations differ from other conversations because of the emotional loads they carry. These conversations call up embarrassment, confusion, anxiety, anger, pain, or fear – if not in us, then in our counterparts. Stressful conversations cause such anxiety that most people simply avoid them. This strategy is not necessarily wrong. Yet sometimes it can be extremely costly to dodge issues, appease difficult people, and smooth over antagonisms: the fact is that avoidance usually makes a problem or relationship worse.

2. Since stressful conversations are so common – and so painful – why don’t we work harder to improve them? The reason is precisely because our emotions are so enmeshed. When we are not emotionally entangled in an issue, we know that conflict is normal, that it can be resolved – or at least managed. But when feelings get stirred up, most of us are thrown off balance.

3. Stressful conversations, though, need not be this way. Managers can improve difficult conversations unilaterally if they approach them with greater self-awareness, rehearse them in advance, and apply proven communication techniques needed to make such conversations succeed. These are clarity, neu­trality, and temperance, and they are the building blocks of all good communication. Mastering them will multi­ply your chances of responding well to even the most strained conversation. Let's take a look at each of the components in turn.

4. Clarity means letting words do the work for us. Avoid euphemisms or talking in circles – tell people clearly what you mean: "Emily, from your family's point of view, the Somerset Valley Nursing Home would be the best placement for your father. His benefits don't cover it." Unfortunately, delivering clear content when the news is bad is particularly hard to do. In fact, under strained circumstances, we all tend to shy away from clarity because we equate it with brutality. Instead, we often say things like: "Well, Dan, we're still not sure yet what's going to happen with this job, but in the future we'll keep our eyes open." This is a roundabout – and terribly misleading – way to inform someone that he didn't get the promotion he was seeking. However, there's nothing in­herently brutal about honesty. It is not the content but the delivery of the news that makes it brutal or humane. Ask a surgeon; ask a priest; ask a cop. If a message is given skillfully – even though the news is bad – the con­tent may still be tolerable. When a senior executive, for example, directly tells a subordinate that "the promo­tion has gone to someone else," the news is likely to be highly unpleasant, and the appropriate reaction is sad­ness, anger, and anxiety. But if the content is clear, the listener can better begin to process the information. Indeed, bringing clarity to the content eases the burden for the counterpart rather than increases it.

5. Tone is the nonverbal part of delivery in stressful con­versations. It is intonation, facial expressions, conscious and unconscious body language. Although it's hard to have a neutral tone when overcome by strong feelings, neutrality is the desired norm in crisis communications, including stressful conversations. Consider the classic neutrality of NASA. Regardless of how dire the message, NASA communicates its content in uninflected tones: "Houston, we have a problem." It takes practice to ac­quire such neutrality. But a neutral tone is the best place to start when a conversation turns stressful.

6. Temperate phrasing is the final element in this tri­umvirate of skills. English is a huge language, and there are lots of different ways to say what you need to say. Some of these phrases are temperate, while others baldly provoke your counterpart to dismiss your words – and your content. In the United States, for ex­ample, some of the most intemperate phrasing revolves around threats of litigation: "If you don't get a check to me by April 23, I'll be forced to call my lawyer." Phrases like this turn up the heat in all conversations, particu­larly in strained ones. But remember, we're not in stress­ful conversations to score points or to create enemies. The goal is to advance the conversation, to hear and be heard accurately, and to have a functional exchange between two people. So next time you want to snap at someone – "Stop interrupting me!" – try this: "Can you hold on a minute? I want to finish before I lose my train of thought." Temperate phrasing will help you take the strain out of a stressful conversation.

Date: 2016-04-22; view: 1120