Communication Skills

Good social skills require good communication skills. Because we communicate verbally and nonverbally, both of these types of skills contribute to how well students relate to their peers. Children with language problems often have trouble socially because they have difficulty understanding the words that other children use and/or putting their ideas into words to express these ideas to others. They can't find the right words to use or easily put them together in a way that makes sense. They may have trouble understanding or telling jokes. They may not know the current jargon or idioms that their peers use. They may also have trouble keeping up the pace of conversations, particularly in a group. It is hard for them to jump into a conversation.

Other children, who may have good language skills, have trouble with nonverbal communication. They can't "read" body language, facial expressions or tone of voice. These children interpret words literally and may miss the majority of the intended communication. Much of accurate communication depends on nonverbal cues and gestures. To communicate competently, a child must be able to process the whole message sent by another and integrate the verbal and nonverbal components of the message.

Children with verbal and nonverbal communication difficulties often resort to temper tantrums or "meltdowns" to communicate emotions such as anger and frustration. They may appear uncooperative, fresh or rude and may be called oppositional and/or defiant. Helping these children improve their communication skills can greatly improve their social skills and level of peer acceptance.

Social Skills

Social inability can be a lifelong problem. Therefore it is imperative that social skill deficits be identified early and addressed in much the same way as we identify and address children's learning problems because social incompetence can be more debilitating and detrimental to success in life than learning problems.

There are several types of social skills that must be mastered for a child to be socially adept. These range from the ability to initiate, maintain and end a conversation to reading social signals to more complex skills such as solving problems and resolving conflict. The following examples represent some of the fundamental principles of relating well to others. Children with social skill deficits can be taught these skills directly by parents, teachers and/or professionals using the strategies of modeling, role-playing, rehearsal and practice.

· Greetings. Children develop relationships with peers by interacting with them. The first step in a social interaction is greeting someone. We not only greet others with words like "Hi!" or "How are you?" but with facial expressions, tone of voice and gestures such as a nod or a wave. Children with social inability may not say hello to people they know. They may walk right past them and not even look at them. If they do speak, they may not make eye contact and may simply look down at the floor. If they do say hello, it might not be in a very friendly tone of voice or with a smile. The nonverbal parts of greeting someone are just as important as the words. It's not so much what you say but how you say it that lets people know you are glad to see them.

· Initiating Conversation. After you have greeted someone, you usually have a conversation with them. In order to carry on a conversation, a child must be able to initiate the conversation, maintain it and close it appropriately. This requires good listening and attentional skills, as well as the ability to take turns and probe for missing information. Sometimes children cannot think of anything to talk about. When you can't think of anything to say, it can be good to ask the other person a question. The question can be about them or what they think about a movie or event that everyone is talking about. Sometimes when children don't know what to say, they begin by talking about themselves or about something that the other person is not interested in. If they keep talking without giving the other person an opportunity to enter the conversation, or if they keep talking about themselves or something uninteresting to the other person, the person is likely to get tired of listening. He may walk away and even avoid future conversations with the child. Being a good conversationalist requires turn-taking and reciprocity. You have to listen as well as talk. If you don't show an interest in what the other person has to say, he probably won't be interested in talking to you. Impulsive children often have trouble knowing when to talk and when to listen.

· Understanding the Listener, Part I. Once a conversation is initiated, in order to maintain it, it is important to understand the audience you are talking to. Children with social inability often have difficulty adapting what they say to their listener. A socially adept child quickly and unconsciously identifies and categorizes his listener, measures what she planned to say against the anticipated response of the listener, and then proceeds, alters or avoids what she had planned to say. She knows that you don't talk to authority figures in the same way that you talk to peers. Socially inept children can't change their words or tone of voice to match their audience. For example, saying goodbye to a teacher with "Catch you later, dude!" would be inappropriate and could result in a detention. Adults often call children who have problems reading their audience disrespectful. Other students may view them as strange if they use stiff and formal language that is more suitable to conversations with adults than peers. A misread of the listener often leads to a misunderstood message and potential social rejection.

· Understanding the Listener, Part II. To converse in a socially appropriate manner, children must be able to take the perspective or point of view of the other person, i.e., think the way they think. To do this a child must pretend that he is the listener and think about what he needs to hear to understand what is being said. For example, a child might say, "I finally got finished." and not provide the details of what he started. Many children assume that other people think and feel the way that they do. These children may appear insensitive and selfish, although this is not their intent. They may also appear "dingy" because they seem to be coming from another planet when they speak. When your audience has to guess what you are talking about, they are apt to feel uncomfortable and may be reluctant to converse with you.

· Empathizing. Empathy is similar to perspective taking but means that you are able to feel what the other person feels. Empathy allows you to really connect with other people. For example, if a student got an A on a math test and her friend got a D, she wouldn't brag about her A to her friend because she knows it will make her feel bad because she didn't do well. She could empathize with her by saying something like "That's a bummer." Other children often think of children who lack empathy as mean, unkind or self-centered.

· Reading Social Cues. It is very important to read social cues in a conversation. Cues are the hints and signals that guide us to the next thing to say or do. Social cues can be verbal or nonverbal. Verbal cues are the words that the other person is saying. Tone of voice is an important part of verbal cues. For example, "Oh, great!" can mean that something is really terrific, or if said sarcastically, can mean that something is awful. Nonverbal cues are things that we see rather than hear in a conversation, such as body language and facial expressions. For example, if a friend's facial expression changes from a smile to a frown and his body gets stiff when you are talking about a new CD that you bought, you might want to change the topic or ask him if what you said upset him. Good detectives pay very close attention to nonverbal cues.

· Previewing. Conversations also require that you preview or think about what effect your words or actions may have on your listener before you say or do them. If you think that the impact will be negative, you can adjust what you might say or do. Impulsive children often have trouble with previewing and are unable to stop and think before they say or do something. For example, if a group of children was talking about the football game last week, it would be inappropriate to interject a sentence about the math exam next week. When you walk in on the middle of a conversation, it is always a good idea to listen for a few minutes before entering the conversation. If your friends were complaining about not being able to drive their parents' cars to the dance on Friday, it wouldn't win any points with them to say, "Get real! Did you really think that your parents would let you take their car to the dance?" Doing this would be tactless and insensitive.

· Problem-solving. Problems and conflict are often a part of social interactions. Someone may not agree with you, get angry at something you say, insult you or become aggressive toward you. How you react to these conflicts depends on how good your problem solving skills are. Children who are not good social problem solvers have trouble settling conflicts and disagreements. They get mad easily and may not speak to someone because they are mad at them. It has to be "their way or the highway". They always want to win no matter what the cost, even if that means losing a friend. It often also means making an enemy, which creates additional social problems. Conflicts cannot be avoided and are often necessary to "clear the air". Turning a conflict from a "win-lose" situation to a "win-win" situation is the best way to resolve conflict. This requires negotiation and compromise, give and take, but results in a situation that all parties can live with and helps maintain friendships.

· Apologizing. Everyone makes social mistakes at one time or another. A person with good social skills is confident enough to make a sincere apology for his error. This is a courageous act and is the quickest and easiest way to correct a social blunder. Children with weak social skills may have trouble saying they are sorry because they can't lose face. They are afraid that others may see them as weak. They might also be too proud, or feel stupid or foolish if they apologize. In reality, other people usually have a higher opinion of someone who apologizes for making a mistake.

Date: 2015-12-18; view: 907