A HARD DAY'S NIGHT: THE SCRIPT by Alun Owen

Improvised dialog is indicated in parentheses.

Cut action or dialog is indicated with square brackets.

EXTERIOR, STREETS OUTSIDE RAILWAY TERMINAL, DAY

Song: "A Hard Day's Night"

The film opens with crowds of girls, shot in a sequence of CLOSEUPS,

chasing after GEORGE, JOHN and RINGO. The BOYS hare off just ahead of

them. They take a turn down a back alley way and the crowd of screaming

girls are after them.

EXTERIOR, TERMINAL

They rush on through the narrow cobbled passageway and into the main

station [quickly show their tickets at the barrier for the London train].

(We see various bits of byplay: Paul, in a false beard, and an old man

hide behind newspapers on a bench; George, John and Ringo vault a barrier

and hide in a photo booth.) Finally they all get onto the platform as

hordes of yelling and screaming girls reach the closed gates.

EXTERIOR, TERMINAL PLATFORM

[We see the fans rushing to the few platform ticket machines, and endless

pennies being dropped and tickets torn out in their haste to get onto the

platform to see the BOYS.]

[NORM has been waiting for the BOYS and he hurries them to where all

their baggage, instruments and the drums are waiting, piled up to be put

into the guards' van. The BOYS turn and see the oncoming stream of girls

pushing through the bar riers and descending on them with yells and

shouts. They grab their instruments, RINGO makes for the drums. NORM

plugs into a handy transformer and using their instruments like a gun

volley to stop the onrush of females, the BOYS blast fire into a number

and start to sing. This stops the girls in their tracks and they settle

down on whatever they can to listen to them playing.]

[As the BOYS are playing, we CUT BACK to the crowds. In the centre we see

PAUL struggling and pulling to fight his way through the girls to join

the other BOYS. He is dragging a very reluctant old man behind him. The

old man seems most disgruntled and we can see by his gestures how

unwilling he is to be pulled and pushed forward through all the girls.]

[At last PAUL reaches the other BOYS. He sits the old man down on a pile

of cases and joins in the number to the squeals of delight from the fans.

The old man sits aloof and proud, ignoring the whole proceedings. JOHN,

GEORGE and RINGO look enquiringly at PAUL who gives a non-committal shrug

of the shoulders as if to say "it's not my fault" and the number

proceeds.]

[SHOT of sudden horror on JOHN's face; PAUL follows his eyeline only to

see the old man has doffed his cap and is busily collecting money from a

disconcerted crowd. PAUL dives hastily into the crowd, and with suitable

apologies extracts the old man, and with a long suffering sigh, drags him

back to the group. GEORGE and PAUL hold him firmly as they finish the

number, the old man standing there between them.]

[As the number finishes and the girls scream and shout with delight, the

guard blows his whistle. NORM and SHAKE grab the instruments and the

drums, and with the rest pile the lot into the guards' van.] The BOYS

head into their reserved compartment pursued by the fans but the train

moves off. They have successfully repelled all extra boarders.

[The BOYS stand and wave to the fans until out of sight line... ] the

girls running along to the end of the platform waving and calling out.

INTERIOR, RESERVED TRAIN COMPARTMENT

The BOYS relax, sitting down on one side of the compartment. They are

about to settle down and make themselves at home when first GEORGE nudges

RINGO who in turn nudges JOHN. Opposite them is sitting the LITTLE OLD

MAN. He is holding himself stiff, erect and very aloof.

The three BOYS look at him enquiringly, but with an elaborate sniff, he

looks away from them and out the window.

PAUL catches his eye and winks at the LITTLE OLD MAN. He winks back at

PAUL, scowls at the other three then looks firmly out of the window

again. The BOYS turn on PAUL [crowding around him].

JOHN: Eh... pardon me for asking, but who's that little old man?

PAUL: What little old man?

JOHN: (pointing) That little old man.

PAUL: Oh, that one. That's me grandfather.

(GEORGE: Your grandfather?)

(PAUL: Yeah.)

GEORGE: That's not your grandfather.

PAUL: It is, y'know.

GEORGE: But I've seen your grandfather. He lives in your house.

PAUL: Oh, that's me other grandfather, but he's my grandfather as well.

JOHN: How d'you reckon that one out?

PAUL: Well... everyone's entitled to two, aren't they, and this one's

me other one.

JOHN: (long suffering) Well, we know that but what's he doing here?

PAUL: Well, me mother said the trip u'd do him good.

RINGO: How's that?

PAUL: Oh... he's nursing a broken heart.

The lads all look intently at the GRANDFATHER.

JOHN: Aah... the poor old thing. He leans across to GRANDFATHER.

JOHN: Eh, Mister, are you nursing a broken heart, then?

The GRANDFATHER glares at him, in a way that indicates yes.

JOHN: (To Paul) He's a nice old man, isn't he?

PAUL: He's very clean.

They all agree with Paul.

[PAUL: (whispering) You see, he was going to get married but she threw

him over for a butcher.]

[GEORGE: A butcher?]

[PAUL: Yeah, she was fickle.]

[JOHN: Aye and fond of fresh meat and all.]

[PAUL: (seriously) No... it was his sweetbreads. She was dead kinky

for sweetbreads. Anyroad, me mother thought it'ud give him a change of

scenery, like.]

[JOHN: Oh, I see.]

John has been examining GRANDFATHER. He now leans forward to him (and

crosses to sit beside him).

JOHN: (in a friendly voice) Hello, grandfather!

GRANDFATHER: Hello.

JOHN: (delightedly) He can talk then, (can he?)

PAUL: (indignantly) Course he can talk. He's a human being, like. Isn't

he?

RINGO: (grinning) Well... if he's your grandfather, who knows?

The lads all laugh.

JOHN: And we're looking after him, are we?

GRANDFATHER: I'll look after meself.

PAUL: (standing up) Aye, that's what I'm afraid of!

JOHN: He's got you worried, then?

(PAUL: (combing hair) He's a villain, and a real mixer and he costs you a

fortune in breach of promise cases.)

GEORGE: (disbelieving) Gerron.

PAUL: No, straight up.

[GRANDFATHER: The lad's given you the simple truth. I'm cursed wid

irresistible charm, I'm too attractive to be let loose.]

At this moment, SHAKE, a tall man who works with the BOYS, pulls open the

door of the compartment.

(SHAKE: Hi, yer.)

BOYS: Hi, Shake.

SHAKE: You got on alright then?

(JOHN: No.)

SHAKE: We're here. Norm'll be along in a mo' with the tickets.

He sees GRANDFATHER.

SHAKE: [Morning!] (whispers)Who's that little old man?

GEORGE: It's Paul's grandfather.

SHAKE: Oh aye, but I thought...

JOHN: (cutting in) No, that's his other one.

SHAKE: That's alright then.

JOHN: (displaying Grandfather) Clean though, isn't he?

SHAKE: Oh yes, he's very clean.

NORM the road manager appears behind SHAKE.

NORM: Morning, lads.

BOYS: Morning... Hi, Norm.

NORM: (checking them quickly) Well, thank God you're all here. Now,

listen, I've had this marvellous idea... now just for a change, let's

all behave like ordinary responsible citizens. Let's not cause any

trouble, pull any strokes or do anything I'm going to be sorry for,

especially to- morrow at the television theatre, because...

He looks sharply at JOHN who is [polishing his nails.] (sniffing a

bottle of Coke). Are you listening to me, Lennon?

JOHN: (off-hand) You're a swine, isn't he George?

GEORGE: (disinterested) Yeah... a swine.

NORM: (just as indifferent) Thanks. He sees the GRANDFATHER.

NORM: Eh...

BOYS IN CHORUS: ...Who's that little old man?

NORM: Well, who is he?

RINGO: He belongs to Paul.

NORM: (accepting the situation) Ah well, there you go. Look, I'm going

down the diner for a cup of coffee, are you coming?

PAUL: We'll follow you down.

GRANDFATHER rises.

GRANDFATHER: I want me coffee.

NORM: He can come with Shake and me if you like?

PAUL: Well, look after him. I don't want to find you've lost him.

NORM: Don't be cheeky, I'll bind him to me with promises.

GRANDFATHER joins SHAKE and NORM.

NORM: (over Grandfather's head) He's very clean, isn't he? Come on

Grandad.

SHAKE and NORM collect GRANDFATHER and are in the process of leaving the

compartment when an upper class city Englishman, JOHNSON, attempts to

enter. There is a bit of confusion and they get tangled up with each

other.

JOHNSON: Make up your minds, will you!

At last SHAKE, NORM and GRANDFATHER sort themselves out and JOHNSON

enters with his case. The other three go to coffee. JOHNSON puts his case

up on the luggage rack, then sits down. All his movements are

disgruntled... he finally picks up his copy of the Financial Times and

burying himself behind it, starts to read.

(PAUL: Morning.)

(RINGO: Morning.)

After a moment he looks up, notices the compartment window is open. He

gets up and without so much as a "by your leave" he closes it, glares at

the BOYS and sits down again. The BOYS exchange looks as if to say...

"Hello, Saucy!!"

(RINGO: Woah!)

PAUL: (politely) Do you mind if we have it opened?

JOHNSON: (briefly) Yes, I do.

JOHN: Yeah, but there are four of us, like, and we like it open, if it's

all the same to you, that is.

JOHNSON: (rudely) Well, it isn't. I travel on this train regularly twice

a week, so I suppose I've some rights.

RINGO: Aye, well, so have we.

He disappears behind his paper before the BOYS can say another word.

RINGO pulls a face at the raised paper and switches on his portable

radio. A pop number is playing.

JOHNSON puts down his paper firmly.

JOHNSON: And we'll have that thing off as well, thank you.

RINGO: But I...

JOHNSON leans over and switches it off.

JOHNSON: An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you I'm

perfectly within my rights.

He smiles frostily.

PAUL: Yeah, but we want to hear it and there's more of us than you. We're

a community, like, a majority vote. Up the workers and all that stuff!

JOHNSON: Then I suggest you take that damned thing into the corridor or

some other part of the train where you obviously belong.

JOHN: (leaning forward to him) Gie's a kiss!

PAUL: [Shurrup!] Look, Mister, we've paid for our seats too, you know.

JOHNSON: I travel on this train regularly, twice a week.

JOHN: Knock it off, Paul, y' can't win with his sort. After all, it's his

train, isn't it, Mister?

JOHNSON: And don't you take that tone with me, young man!

[GEORGE: But...]

JOHNSON: (accusingly) I fought the war for your sort.

RINGO: Bet you're sorry you won!

JOHNSON: I'll call the guard!

PAUL: Aye... but what? They don't take kindly to insults. Ah, come on,

you lot. Let's have a cup of coffee and leave [Toby the manger] (the

kennel to Lassie).

The BOYS troop out of the door into the corridor. JOHNSON smiles

triumphantly. He is about to settle down to his paper when there is a tap

on the corridor window. He looks up and we see pressed against the window

a collection of hideous Beatle faces.

PAUL: Eh, Mister... can we have our ball back!

[The man jumps to his feet.]

(Surreal shot of the BOYS running alongside the train, banging on the

window.)

(BOYS: Hey Mister... can we have our ball back!)

(BOYS carry RINGO past the interior compartment window as if he is

wounded.)

[(BOYS: Hey Mister... can we have our ball back!)]

[INTERIOR, OF THE CORRIDOR]

[The BOYS run away like a pack of school boys and disappear round the

corner.]

[INTERIOR, OF THE CORRIDOR]

[From the P.O.V. of the door leading to the restaurant car.]

[The BOYS come down the corridor in full flight, laughing away like happy

idiots. GEORGE and PAUL pull open the sliding doors. The BOYS look

inside.]

INTERIOR, RESTAURANT CAR

From their P.O.V. we see the car is half empty and at a table in the

centre SHAKE and NORM and GRANDFATHER are sitting. On the table is a pile

of photos of the BOYS. NORM and SHAKE are arguing. NORM is being very

aggressive, much to SHAKE's discomfort.

NORM: Yeah, you want to watch it.

SHAKE: (unhappily) It's not my fault.

NORM: Well, you stick to that story, son.

SHAKE: I can't help it, I'm just taller than you are.

GRANDFATHER: (to NORM slyly) They always say that.

NORM: Yeah, well I got me eye on you.

SHAKE: I'm sorry Norm, but I can't help being taller than you.

NORM: Well, you don't have to rub me nose in it. I've a good mind to...

(He is about to thump SHAKE.)

JOHN: (enjoying himself) If you're going to have a barney I'll hold your

coats.

NORM: He started it.

SHAKE: No, I didn't you did...

GEORGE: Well, what happened?

SHAKE: The old fella wanted these pictures and Norm said he couldn't have

'em, all I said was "aw go on, be big about it."

PAUL: And?

NORM: Your grandfather pointed out Shake was always being taller than me

to spite me.

PAUL: I knew it, he started it, I should have known.

NORM: Y'what?

PAUL: You two have never had a quarrel in your life and in two minutes

flat he's got you at it. He's a king mixer. [Adam and Eve, meet the

serpent. Anthony and Cleopatra, there's your asp. Divide and Conquer,

that's this one's motto.] He hates group unity so he gets everyone at it.

The BOYS, i.e. JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO, look at each other then at PAUL.

[PAUL: Aye and we'll have to watch it and all.]

GEORGE: I suggest you give him the photos and have done with it.

NORM: You're right, here you are old devil.

GRANDFATHER grins triumphantly and collects them, then with a sweet smile

he turns to PAUL.

GRANDFATHER: Would you ever sign this one for us, Pauly?

(NORM: Oh, come on Shake.) SHAKE and NORM leave.

PAUL does so automatically but in the middle of signing he gets

suspicious. GRANDFATHER smiles at him charmingly so PAUL finishes

signing.

[JOHN: Come on let's get this coffee.]

[GRANDFATHER: Before you go, I think it's only fair to warn you about me

grandson... don't let our Paul have his own way all the time, 'cos if

you do he won't respect you!]

[JOHN, RINGO and GEORGE take this up straight away. They all pretend to

be girls, RINGO jumps into PAUL's arms.]

[GEORGE: (coyly) Oh, Paul, you can't have your own way!] [JOHN:

(invitingly, in a Marlene Dietrich voice) If I let you have your own way,

you little rascal, will you respect me?]

[PAUL: (choked) I'll murder you, Grandfather!]

[JOHN waltzes PAUL down to an empty table and the lads sit down.]

GEORGE: Eh, look at that talent.

They all gaze across the aisle. From their P.O.V. we see two very

attractive young girls, RITA and JEAN, having coffee.

JOHN: Give 'em a pull.

PAUL: Shall I?

GEORGE: Aye, but don't rush. None of your five bar gate jumps and over

sort of stuff.

PAUL: Now what's that mean?

GEORGE: (grinning) I don't really know, but it sounded distinguished,

like, didn't it?

JOHN: George Harrison, The Scouse of Distinction.

We follow PAUL as he crosses over to the two girls. He places a bowler on

his head.

PAUL: (Excuse me, madame.) (in posh accent) Excuse me, but these young

men I'm sitting with wondered if two of us could join you; I'd ask you

meself only I'm shy.

The two girls giggle together. JOHN and GEORGE are about to move over

when GRANDFATHER suddenly appears by their sides.

GRANDFATHER: (sternly) I'm sorry, Miss, but you mustn't fraternise with

my prisoners.

JEAN: Prisoners!!

GRANDFATHER: Convicts in transit to Wormwood Scrubs. Typical old lags,

the lot of 'em.

THE BOYS: Y'what!!!

[GRANDFATHER: Quiet, you lot, or I'll give you a touch of me truncheon.

(He points at Ringo.) That little one's the worst. If we don't keep him

on tablets he has fits.]

[RINGO: (protesting) Now look here!!]

[GRANDFATHER grabs two lumps of sugar from the table and forces them into

RINGO's mouth.]

GRANDFATHER: Get out while you can, ladies, [his time's coming round for

one of his turns.]

The girls scurry out of the restaurant car. We are not sure if they

recognised the BOYS who look in amazement and horror at GRANDFATHER. They

are completely flabbergasted. [GRANDFATHER smiles at them benignly.]

INTERIOR OF RAILWAY COMPARTMENT

SHAKE and NORM are seated. SHAKE is buried in a [science fiction book]

Mad Magazine. NORM looks at his watch, slightly worried.

NORM: He's been gone a long time.

SHAKE: (without looking up) Who?

NORM: Paul's grandfather.

SHAKE: Oh, I didn't notice, where'd he go?

NORM: Down the.. er...

SHAKE: Oh, down the... er...?

NORM: Yeah, down the... er...

SHAKE: Well, give a couple of minutes...

He resumes reading. But NORM goes on worrying.

[INTERIOR OF ANOTHER RAILWAY COMPARTMENT]

[GRANDFATHER is in full flight of conversation with a charming elderly

lady, AUDREY, who is listening intently.]

[GRANDFATHER: (proudly) Yes, I'm their manager, I discovered them.]

[AUDREY: Did you indeed, Mr. McCartney?]

[GRANDFATHER: Now, Audrey, I told you, the name's John. We show biz

people are a friendly lot.]

[AUDREY: Of course.]

[GRANDFATHER: Yes, they were playing the queues outside the picture

palaces of Liverpool. Scruffy young lads, lacking even the price of a jam

roll. Orphans, every Paddy's son of 'em. I saw their potential at once

although I had me doubts about the little fella, a savage primitive, that

Ringo, but it was him what gave in first. He picked up a brick and heaved

it at me and I quelled him wid one fierce flash of me eyes. "Mister, can

you spare us a penny copper?" he said. I was disarmed by the grubby

little outstretched mauler... So, I took them under me managerial

banner.]

[AUDREY: The usual ten per cent?]

[GRANDFATHER: Oh, not at all, I let them have twenty-five; sure aren't

there four of them?]

[AUDREY: (her eyes lighting up) How fascinating. Do go on...

(pause)... John.]

[GRANDFATHER: Oh, I'm all heart, Ma'am, all heart... Well, I let...]

INTERIOR CORRIDOR OF TRAIN

NORM and SHAKE meet with the BOYS as they are returning from coffee.

NORM: Eh, have you got Paul's grandfather?

JOHN: Of course, he's concealed about me person.

NORM: No... he's slipped off somewhere.

PAUL: (accusingly) Have you lost him?

NORM: Don't exaggerate.

PAUL: You've lost him.

SHAKE: Put it this way, he's mislaid him.

PAUL: You can't trust you with anything, Norm. If you've lost him, I'll

cripple you.

SHAKE: He can't be far.

[JOHN: I hope he fell off.]

[PAUL: (mildly) Don't be callous.]

(NORM: Come lads, lets look up the sharp end.)

(GEORGE: What's the matter with you, then.)

(RINGO and GEORGE are looking out a window together.)

RINGO: [He] (His grandfather) doesn't like me, honest, I can tell...

it's 'cos I'm little.

GEORGE: You've got an inferiority complex, you have.

RINGO: Yeah, I know, that's why I took up the drums. It's me active

compensatory factor.

JOHN and PAUL run down the corridor. SHAKE and NORM turn from the door

and go in the opposite direction, GEORGE and RINGO follow after the other

two BOYS.

INTERIOR CORRIDOR OF TRAIN

PAUL and JOHN look into various compartments. CLOSE SHOT of RINGO looking

into compartments in the manner of Groucho Marx. In one of the

compartments we see from RINGO's P.O.V. the occupant, a glamorous woman,

TANIA, with a small lap dog. She is beautifully and most expensively

dressed. She looks up and sees RINGO. RINGO smiles at her and she smiles

back. She then beckons him to join her. He looks around to see if she

means someone else. She nods a negative. RINGO looks back enquiringly

then points at himself as if to say: "Who, me?" TANIA smiles

enthusiastically. GEORGE has been watching all this.

GEORGE: Are you going in, then?

RINGO: No, she'll only reject me in the end and I'll be frustrated.

GEORGE: You never know, you might be lucky this time.

RINGO: No, I know the psychological pattern and it plays hell with me

drum skins.

RINGO blows her a kiss. She blows RINGO a kiss back but he then moves

sadly on.

INTERIOR, FURTHER DOWN THE CORRIDOR

PAUL enters a compartment followed by JOHN. The two girls, RITA and JEAN,

from the restaurant car are sitting there.

PAUL: Excuse me but have you seen that little old man we were with?

The girls jump up, surprised.

JOHN: We've broken out, oh, the blessed freedom of it all! (He extends

his hands as if handcuffed.) Eh, have you got a nail file, these

handcuffs are killing me.

[PAUL: Will you stop it!]

PAUL: Sorry for disturbing you,[miss] girls.

JOHN is now by the door, he leers at the girls horribly.

JOHN: I bet you can guess what I was in for.

He cackles like a maniac before disappearing, the door closing after him.

(INTERIOR, TRAIN CORRIDOR)

A waiter carrying a tray with champagne and glasses on it passes into one

of the compartments with the blinds down.

[PAUL: How about that one?]

PAUL moves towards the compartment.

PAUL: (to John) [to Ringo and George] [Did you} (Should we) go in here?

[GEORGE](JOHN): No. I mean, it's probably a honeymoon couple or a company

director or something.

PAUL: Well, I'm going to broaden [our] (my) outlook.

PAUL opens the door of the compartment.

INTERIOR OF COMPARTMENT

From the BOYS' P.O.V. we see GRANDFATHER and the elderly lady, AUDREY,

sipping champagne and nibbling caviar on toast.

GRANDFATHER: (looking up) Congratulate me, boys, I'm engaged.

PAUL enters and crosses over to him.

PAUL: Oh no you're not, not this time. [You've gone too far this time...

and who's paying for all this?]

[GRANDFATHER: It's all taken care of. It's down on our bill.]

[PAUL: Oh, well that's alright (Realising) What?]

[AUDREY: Young man, kindly moderate your tone when you address my

fianc�e.]

[PAUL: I'm sorry, Missus, but the betrothal's off. (He grabs GRANDFATHER

by the arm.) I'll refuse me consent, he's over-age!]

[AUDREY grabs GRANDFATHER's other arm and pulls back.]

[AUDREY: Leave him alone, after all he's done for you is this the way you

repay him.]

[A tug of war now starts between PAUL and AUDREY.]

[PAUL: (pulling) Him? He's never done anything for anybody in his life.]

[AUDREY: (pulling) You dare to say that when even those ridiculous

clothes you are wearing were bought when you forced him to sell out his

gilt edged Indomitables!!]

[JOHN and GEORGE jump on the seat egging PAUL and AUDREY on.]

[JOHN: Come on, auntie, you're winning.]

[GEORGE: Get in there, Paul, she's weakening.]

[RINGO attempts to interfere.]

[RINGO: Look, Missus, this is all a misunderstanding, you see, he's...]

[AUDREY: Keep away from me, you depraved lout, I know all about your

terrible past.]

[RINGO: Y'what?]

[She hits RINGO with her handbag and continues struggling with PAUL for

GRANDFATHER. Then RINGO grabs her handbag to stop her from hitting him.]

[RINGO: He's given me a bad character, blackguarding me name to all and

sundry. He's got to be stopped. It's not fair.]

[RINGO pushes out into the corridor, forgetting that he is holding the

woman's handbag. A voice shouts off from outside.]

[VOICE OFF: That's one of them... stop thief!]

[INTERIOR CORRIDOR]

[From RINGO's P.O.V. we see down to the right the city man, JOHNSON,

approaching with a GUARD. RINGO turns the other way to the left when he

is joined by three other BOYS. From their P.O.V. down the corridor we see

the two girls, autograph books in hand, followed by ten girls from the

same school.]

[Both groups are closing in on the BOYS. There's no escape.]

[RINGO: (looking down at the handbag in his hand) Oh Mother!!]

INTERIOR, TRAIN LUGGAGE VAN

Very dark, and behind bars we see GRANDFATHER. He is sitting crouched up

on a wooden box tea chest and looks pretty miserable. He turns towards

the CAMERA, in the foreground of the SHOT we see PAUL standing. [In the

background an impassive GUARD is reading a paper which he does

throughout the scene.]

GRANDFATHER: (bitterly) And to think me own grandson would have let them

put me behind bars!

PAUL: Don't dramatise.

The CAMERA PULLS BACK and we see GRANDFATHER in the luggage compart- ment

of the guards' van. In with him are [a crate of chickens and] a dog .

[The chickens peck at him, GRANDFATHER moves listlessly away.]

PAUL: Let's face it, you're lucky to be here. If they'd have had their

way you'd have been dropped off at Stafford.

[GRANDFATHER proudly turns away from PAUL who dodges round so he can

still see his face.]

PAUL: Well, you've got to admit you've upset a lot of people. (At least I

can keep my eye on you while you're stuck in here.)

[GRANDFATHER turns away again.]

[PAUL: Alright, how about Ringo? I mean... he's very upset, you know...

and as far as your girlfriend, little Audrey's concerned, she's

finished with men for the rest of her natural, and another thing...]

[GRANDFATHER: (cutting in) You're left-handed, aren't you, Paul?]

[PAUL: Yeah... so what?]

[GRANDFATHER: Why do you always use your left hand?]

[PAUL: Well, don't be daft, I've got to.]

[GRANDFATHER: And I take a left-handed view of life, I've got to.]

[PAUL grins. After a moment of looking at him, PAUL opens the door of the

luggage compartment and joins GRANDFATHER on a box.]

PAUL: Shove up!

GRANDFATHER produces a penny.

GRANDFATHER: Odds or evens?

PAUL sighs.

PAUL: Odds.

GRANDFATHER flips the coin.

The guards' van door opens and JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO come in, [with them

are the girls, RITA and JEAN.]

JOHN: (as he sees PAUL behind the bars) Don't worry, son, we'll get you

the best lawyer [trading] (green) stamps can buy.

PAUL: Oh, it's a laugh a line with Lennon. (to Ringo) Anyroad up...

It's all your fault.

RINGO: Me? Why?

(PAUL: Why not?)

[GEORGE: Bag-snatcher.]

[GRANDFATHER: That's right; convict without trial... Habeus corpus.]

[JOHN: (casually) Every morning.]

JOHN has been looking around the guards' van.

JOHN: Gaw, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny... (he pats the

dog.) 'cos they usually reckon dogs more than people in England, don't

they? You'd expect something a little more palatial. (He shudders.)

[Let's have a little action.] Let's do something, then.

He produces a deck of cards.

PAUL: Like what?

[JOHN: Well, I've got me gob stopper. (He produces his mouth organ.)

Look, a genuine Stradivarius, hand tooled at Dagenham.]

(JOHN: Mmm.)

(PAUL: Okay.)

(As the BOYS begin to play cards), the GIRLS John and Paul saw earlier

arrive.

(GEORGE: God, it's the girls.)

(RINGO: I'll deal.)

(JOHN: Aye, aye, the Liverpool shuffle. Two to you, two to me, three to

him.)

Song: "I Should Have Known Better"

[And to RINGO's beat on a tea chest they are off, PAUL and GEORGE

improvising other sounds, much to the GIRLS' delight. During the number,

GRANDFATHER quietly lets the latch off the chicken crate and chickens

begin to wander through the scene.]

[EXTERIOR, TRAIN IN MOTION FROM ABOVE, NIGHT]

[While the number is progressing, the train is getting nearer and nearer

to London.]

[EXTERIOR, PLATFORM TERMINUS]

[SHOTS of the station full of GIRLS waiting for the BOYS.]

INTERIOR, GUARDS' VAN

[By the time the number finishes the train pulls up with a sharp halt

that sends all the passengers sprawling, BOYS and GIRLS.]

(JOHN: He's riding his lucky wave.)

(RINGO: All mine.)

(JOHN: It won't buy you happiness, my son.)

NORM enters the guards' van.

NORM: Don't move, any of you. They've gone potty out there. The whole

place is surging with girls.

JOHN: Please, can I have one to surge with?

[NORM: No.]

[JOHN: Ah, go on, you swine.]

NORM: No, you can't. Look, as soon as I tell you, run through this door

and into the big car that's waiting.

He points and we see a big car parked across the road. The BOYS prepare

to depart, lining up with GRANDFATHER at the door.

EXTERIOR, PLATFORM TERMINUS

Just as they are ready to go a line of taxis draws up parallel to the

train and now separates them from the big car waiting for them.

[NORM: Oh no!]

[GRANDFATHER pushes past the BOYS, holding his coat closed.]

(NORM: Come on lads, come on.)

[GRANDFATHER: Alright, lads, follow me.]

[And before NORM can stop him, he darts out of the door, PAUL after him.

The fans further down the platform see PAUL and charge forward... in a

panic NORM and the others follow, JOHN just having time to kiss both the

GIRLS.]

[JOHN: Vive l'amour!]

[NORM drags him away.]

EXTERIOR, RAILWAY STATION

[The BOYS manage to follow GRANDFATHER by leaping onto a motorized

luggage carrier, GEORGE driving and the other three posing as a frozen

tableau on the back. GRANDFATHER has arrived at a taxi door. He flings it

open and runs through, opening the other do or, thus making a safe bridge

to the car.]

[The BOYS follow. They run towards GRANDFATHER's taxi. The FANS have

followed the BOYS and we see streams of GIRLS piling through all the

taxis [one of which contains JOHNSON the city man, opening and shutting

the doors to get through, much to the indignation of the TAXI DRIVERS.]

[INTERIOR, BIG CAR]

[NORM is sitting in front with the DRIVER. FRANK, the four BOYS and

GRANDFATHER are squashed together in the back.]

[NORM: (to the driver) Go like the clappers, son!]

[FRANK: (smoothly) That was my entire intention, sir.]

(SHAKE, having seen the BOYS, NORM, and GRANDFATHER successfully escape,

has been left on the baggage platform with all of the equipment. He sighs

and begins loading it up.)

EXTERIOR, STATION

The car moves off surrounded by the FANS; [from a height] we see them

converge on the car but it moves forcefully out of the station and off.

It moves into the traffic in the main road and the journey to the hotel

begins.

INTERIOR, HOTEL SUITE

There is a reception room and off it lead rooms that are presumably

bedrooms, bathroom, etc. JOHN is lying sprawled out on a settee

[listening to a transistor radio, demolishing a basket of fruit.] PAUL is

sitting at an upright piano and GRANDFATHER is mooching about the room.

One of the doors opens and GEORGE enters followed by RINGO, none of the

BOYS are wearing coats.

RINGO: I don't snore.

GEORGE: You do - repeatedly.

RINGO: (to John) Do I snore?

JOHN: (eating a banana) You're a window rattler, son.

RINGO: Well, that's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul?

PAUL: (stopping playing) With a trombone hooter like yours it 'ud be

unnatural if you didn't.

GRANDFATHER: Don't mock the afflicted, Pauly.

PAUL: Oh for Pete's sake, it's only a joke.

GRANDFATHER: Well, it may be a joke, but it's his nose. He can't help

having a [horrible] hideous great hooter [nose], it's the only one he's

got. And his poor little head's trembling under the weight of it.

NORM enters with three piles of fan mail and places them in front of JOHN

on a table. RINGO is almost in tears, examining his nose in a mirror.

NORM: Paul, John, George - get at it.

JOHN: Hello the income tax have caught up with us at last.

PAUL and GEORGE gather round the low table. RINGO is left out of it.

RINGO: None for me, then?

NORM: Sorry.

John hands RINGO a single envelope.

JOHN: That'll keep you busy.

GRANDFATHER: It's your nose, y'see. Fans are funny that way. Take a

dislike to things. They'll pick on a nose...

RINGO: You go and pick on your own.

SHAKE enters with a stack of mail about three times larger than all the

others put together.

(SHAKE: Hey, here.)

JOHN: Is that yours?

SHAKE: For Ringo.

He dumps it in RINGO's arms who staggers into an armchair. The BOYS send

him up.

JOHN: That must have cost you a fortune in stamps, Ringo.

GEORGE: He comes from a large family.

RINGO: (dumping the letters) Well.

RINGO opens his letter and reads it. It contains a large embossed card.

RINGO: Eh, what's [Boyd's Club] (Le Circle Club?)

The lads gather round him and PAUL takes the card from him and reads.

PAUL: "The Management of [Boyd's] Le Circle Club takes pleasure in

requesting the company of Mr. Richard Starkey, that's you, in their

recently refinished gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer. Baccarat, Roulette, and

Champagne Buffet." [Blimey!]

RINGO: (surprised) And they want me?

JOHN: Oh it's got round that you're a [heavy punter] big spender.

NORM: (snatching the card) Well you're not going.

RINGO: Ah.

GRANDFATHER: (taking card from Norm) Quite right, invites to gambling

dens full of easy money and fast women, chicken sandwiches and cornets of

caviar, disgusting!

He pockets the card himself.

RINGO: That's mine.

NORM: Have done, and you lot get your pens out.

BOYS: Why?

NORM: It's homework time for all you college puddings. I want this lot

(he indicates the fan letters) all answered tonight.

The BOYS all protest.

(RINGO: I want to go out.)

NORM: I'll brook no denial!

JOHN: It's all right for you, you couldn't get a pen in your foot, you

swine.

NORM: [Come on, Shake, we'll leave 'em to their penmanship.] (Chatter on,

chatter on, but a touch of the writer's cramp will soon sort you out.

Come on Shake.)

(SHAKE: Ta, then.)

He goes followed by SHAKE. There is a pause and JOHN deliberately rises

slowly and crosses to his coat. He puts it on and walks to the door.

(GEORGE: Where are you going?)

JOHN: [While the swine's away the piglets can play. What are we waiting

for?] (He told us to stay here, didn't he?) Come on.

With a whoop PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO collect their coats and head for the

door.

[GRANDFATHER: What about all these letters?]

[BOYS: Read 'em!]

They disappear. After a moment GRANDFATHER takes out RINGO's card.

C.U. GRANDFATHER: [And a free champagne buffet.] He grins to himself.

At this moment a WAITER enters with a tray.

(WAITER: I'll clean up, sir.)

He is clad in tails and GRANDFATHER eyes them longingly, measuring

himself the while alongside the startled waiter. He leaves us with no

doubt in our minds what he wants, i.e., the waiter's suit.

INTERIOR, DANCING CLUB

Song: "I Want To Be Your Man"

The club is the latest in modern decor and full of teen-agers all

enjoying themselves. The CAMERA wanders around the club till it finally

picks out JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO all crowded around one small

table. The music is blaring away from a juke box and the BOYS join the

dancers. They are recognised and given smiles and nods of encouragement

by all the other customers. During this scene we CUT AWAY.

INTERIOR, LE CIRCLE CLUB

The whole atmosphere is of quiet elegance and loud wealth. Around the

baccarat table the rich, bored customers sit barely moving a face muscle

as they languidly murmur "suivez" and "banco" to the dealer as he

operates the shoe. The manager of the club is beaming with satisfaction

as he surveys his customers. One of these customers is clad in evening

dress and he has his back to us. The rest of the players (male) are in

suits. By each of them is standing a lush lady with a bored sophisticated

face that loo ks as if it has been painted on. From the REVERSE of the

LAST SHOT we now see the solitary evening dress player is GRANDFATHER. He

looks around him and wipes off his look of enjoyment and elaborately out-

bores everyone in the room.

DEALER: Alors, M'sieur?

GRANDFATHER: (nonchalant) Soufl�e.

He turns to the buxom BLONDE, who is dripping over him.

GRANDFATHER: I bet you're a great swimmer. My turn? Bingo!

CROUPIER: Pas "Bingo," M'sieur... Banco.

GRANDFATHER: (taking cards) I'll take the little darlings anyway.

He takes up the cards and can't understand that they are unnumbered.

GRANDFATHER: Two and one is three, carry one is four.

The buxom BLONDE leans over him.

[BLONDE: Lay them down.]

[GRANDFATHER: (disturbed by his eyeline) Eh?]

[BLONDE: Lay them down.]

[GRANDFATHER: We'd be thrown out.]

[BLONDE: Your cards... lay them down... face up.]

[He does so.]

CROUPIER: Huit [a la pointe]... et sept. (He pushes chips and box to

Grandfather.)

[BLONDE: You had a lovely little pair, y'see.]

[GRANDFATHER: I did?]

[CROUPIER taps impatiently on box shoe.]

[BLONDE: They're yours.]

[GRANDFATHER: They are?]

[BLONDE: The cards... you're bank.]

INTERIOR, DANCING CLUB

Song: "Don't Bother Me"

The BOYS are having a rare old time and the place is really moving.

[INTERIOR, LE CIRCLE CLUB]

[GRANDFATHER is playing and a waiter is checking the requirements of the

players.]

[GRANDFATHER: Bingo!]

[CROUPIER: (wearily) M'lorddit "bingo."]

[WAITER: (to Grandfather) A little light refreshment.]

[GRANDFATHER: (lordly) A glass of the old chablis to wash down a gesture

of gibblets wouldn't go amiss. (He resumes his game.) Soufl�e, chop

chop.]

[The CROUPIER uses the spatula to pick up a card. GRANDFATHER grabs it

and scoops some sandwiches off a passing tray.]

INTERIOR, LE CIRCLE CLUB

GRANDFATHER is looking worried at the call of the card he loses and we

see that all his chips have gone. He notices the waiter delivering snacks

and champagne to a couple, so quick as a flash, he places a handkerchief

over his arm and writing a bill out on a piece of paper, presents it to

the couple and collects payment in chips. He then resumes playing.

GRANDFATHER: Bingo!

INTERIOR, DANCING CLUB

Song: "All My Loving"

The BOYS are at their table again laughing and enjoying themselves, when

suddenly their faces freeze. From their P.O.V. we see NORM standing

glowering down at them. With him is SHAKE. Reluctantly the BOYS rise and

follow NORM out.

INTERIOR, HOTEL ROOM

Waiter is sitting on chair in underclothes, reading. He hears a noise,

says "The manager!" and hides in outer clothes closet. NORM and the BOYS

enter saying:

NORM: Now get on with it.

JOHN: We were going to do it.

NORM: Aye, well, now! (He goes through bedroom.)

RINGO goes to hang up coat in closet. He does so, then crosses to rest.

RINGO: Any of you lot put a man in that cupboard?

ALL: A man? No.

RINGO: Well somebody did.

GEORGE goes to cupboard.

We see the WAITER from his P.O.V.

He closes door, returns to group.

GEORGE: He's right, y'know.

BOYS: (disinterested) Ah well, there you go.

SHAKE enters front door, goes to hang up coat and drags WAITER out.

SHAKE: Eh, what's all this?

PAUL: Oh, him... He's been lurking.

JOHN: Aye, he looks a right lurker.

SHAKE: (to WAITER) You're undressed. Where are your clothes?

WAITER: The old gentlemen borrowed them to go gambling at Le Circle.

[PAUL: No!]

RINGO: Oh, he's gone to my club, has he?

PAUL: (turning on Ringo) Yeah, it's all your fault, getting invites to

gambling clubs. He's probably in the middle of an orgy by now.

JOHN: Well, what are we waiting for?

[SHAKE: Aye, come on, honest, that grandfather of yours is worse than any

of you lot.]

(WAITER: What about me?)

(JOHN: Too old.)

INTERIOR, LE CIRCLE CLUB

GRANDFATHER is drinking champagne [in locked arms] with BLONDE.

WAITER: Encore de champagne, Monsieur?

GRANDFATHER: Yes, and I'll have some more champagne as well. He takes

another swig of his glass.

MANAGER: (beaming) Lord John McCartney, he's the millionaire Irish Peer,

filthy rich of course.

CUSTOMER: Oh I don't know, looks [rather] (quite) clean to me.

[The MANAGER comes to GRANDFATHER's side.]

[MANAGER: Play is about to resume, m'lord.]

[GRANDFATHER: (handing him a chip) Lead me to it, I've a winning itch

that only success can pacify.]

[He takes his place at the table. The MANAGER watches for a moment then

moves away from the table towards the club reception desk.]

INTERIOR, LE CIRCLE CLUB RECEPTION DESK

JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, RINGO, NORM and SHAKE are trying to gain entrance.

(NORM: Come ahead you lot. Try to act with a bit of decorum - this is a

posh place.)

(JOHN. We know how to behave, we've had lessons.)

ATTENDANT: I'm sorry sir, members and invited guests only.

[PAUL, GEORGE, RINGO, JOHN: I've got to get in. It's urgent and

important. I've had an invite. Take me to your leader.]

[NORM: Shurrup.]

[The boys do.]

(NORM: Well, uh... )

(ATTENDANT: (letting them in) Oh, yes.)

(SHAKE: I'm with them, I'm Ringo's sister.)

The BOYS enter and meanwhile the MANAGER has walked into SHOT. He

recognises the BOYS and welcomes them with false enthusiasm. They all

start to enter the main room.

NORM: [All we want to know is] Have you got a little old man in there?

MANAGER: (pleasantly) Do you mean Lord McCartney?

C.U. PAUL: He's at it again, look, I'm his grandfather... I mean...

BLONDE: (standing next to Grandfather) Oh, it must be the dolly floor

show.

[JOHN: Stay where you are everybody this is a raid and we want him.]

GRANDFATHER: Who are these ruffians?... I've never seen them before in

my life!..

They grab the protesting GRANDFATHER and drag him into the reception

area. He keeps trying to return to BLONDE and table. [GEORGE and RINGO

each take an end of the velvet cord hanging between the two stanchions.

They exchange ends and rehook it, thus encircling GRANDFATHER by the

entrance desk.] They then go to settle up.

MANAGER: (with false charm) Before you go, gentlemen, there's the small

matter of the bill.

[He snaps his fingers and a waiter hands him the bill.]

NORM: (taking it) I'll settle that.

He glances at it.

NORM: A hundred and eighty pounds!

MANAGER: (icily) I beg your pardon, guineas.

At that moment a WAITER appears with a tray full of pound notes.

WAITER: Your winnings, my lord, one hundred and ninety pounds.

The MANAGER tears up the bill and takes the money.

GRANDFATHER: How about me change?

MANAGER: Cloak room charge.

He hands GRANDFATHER his old mackintosh.

RINGO: (brightly) Ah well, easy come, easy go. (The others glower at

him.) Well.

INTERIOR, LARGE HOTEL BATHROOM, DAY

{Though this scene was written by Alun Owen and not improvised, it was

not a part of the original script. It was added later as a way to give

George Harrison more to do in the film.}

The bath is full of bubbles and the bubbles are high over the top

of the bath. After a moment, JOHN's head appears out of the bubbles; he

is wearing his leather cap and in his hands are a toy merchant ship and a

toy submarine. He begins to play an elaborate game of U-Boat hunting of

British ships; he conducts the game in pig German, barking orders. GEORGE

now enters, he is dressed in his undervest and trousers, and he is

carrying a sponge bag and hand towel. Behind lumbers SHAKE.

JOHN: Gutenmorgan, mein Herr. KonnenSienachein tea haben? Ah, the

filthy Englander, gooteymorgee.

SHAKE: (off hand)(Keep Britain tidy.) (Pleadingly)Aw, go on George.

GEORGE: Don't be ridiculous.

SHAKE: You said I could.

GEORGE: Honest, me mind boggles at the very idea. A grown man, and you've

never shaved with a safety razor.

SHAKE: It's not my fault, I'm from a long line of electricians.

GEORGE: Well, you're not practising on me.

SHAKE: All right. Well, show us then.

GEORGE: (long suffering) Oh, come on then.

GEORGE has unpacked his razor and can of lather. He now has an idea, and

instead of lathering his face, he lathers SHAKE's image in the mirror and

to demonstrate shaving, he shaves the image. [He, however, pulls all the

appropriate faces of shaving on his own face followed closely by SHAKE.]

In the background JOHN continues the North Atlantic sea-war.

JOHN: Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the...

GEORGE: Put that tongue away, it looks disgusting hanging there all pink

and naked - one slip of the razor and...

[CLOSE UP SHAKE as he hastily withdraws his tongue with a gulp.] At this

moment there is a loud sound from JOHN, then a cry of:

JOHN: Hilfich, unshilfen. Help!

[SHAKE AND GEORGE rush to the bath side just in time to see JOHN

disappear below the surface of the bubbles.]

GEORGE: (to Shake) Torpedoed again.

They are about to resume the shaving lesson when NORM enters.

NORM: [And what's all this? Do you know there's a dirty great car waiting

to take you lot to the television place? (He bundles SHAKE and GEORGE out

of bathroom.) Where's John?] Come on lads, there's a car waiting to take

you to the studio. Where's John?

GEORGE: (as he exits) In the bath.

NORM crosses to the bath.

[NORM: Right you are Lennon.]

NORM: All right, Lennon, let's have you.

CLOSE UP NORM looking smug. There is no response so NORM goes to the top

of the bath and pulls out the plug.

NORM: Come on John, stop larking about.

NORM waits a moment then turns to the bath, a look of horror comes over

his face and we see the bath is empty.

NORM: John! John!

We CUT from bath to NORM, still amazed, and JOHN's head comes into frame.

JOHN: [I wonder how I did it!] What are you messing around with that boat

for - there's a car waiting, come on!

[INTERIOR, BIG CAR MOVING ON WAY TO STUDIOS]

[The BOYS have settled down.]

[JOHN: Should I say it?]

[GEORGE: Follow your impulse.]

[RINGO: It'll only get you into trouble.]

[JOHN: (to RINGO) Aah, shurrup, misery!]

[JOHN slouches forward.]

[JOHN: (urgently) O.K. Driver, follow that car!]

[The driver is an urbane man in a handsome grey uniform.]

[FRANK: (indicating the traffic) Would you like to be a little more

precise, sir?]

[JOHN: Well, that's the wrong line for a start.]

[FRANK: Sorry? (meaning: "I beg your pardon.")]

[GEORGE: Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he was just fulfilling a

life-long ambition.]

[FRANK: I see.]

[JOHN: Yeah, you know, "O.K. Buster, follow that car, there's a sawbuck

in it for you if you get real close!"]

[FRANK: Oh, yes, now I'm with you. But, gee, Mister, I've got my license

to think of... we're doing a hundred now...]

[The car is stopped in traffic behind a bus. JOHN gets out of car and

walks to the front JOHN leans in window delightedly, he flashes his

wallet. The car starts again.]

[JOHN: (walking alongside) Ever seen one of these before?]

[FRANK: Ah... a shamus, eh?]

[JOHN: I see you go to the night court.]

[FRANK: I've made the scene.]

[JOHN: (jumping into car) Well, remem- ber, it's Leathery Magee up ahead

in that convertible, so cover me in the stake out.]

[GEORGE: I don't think that bit's right.]

[JOHN: What do you expect from an ad lib... Raymond Chandler?]

[EXTERIOR, STREET]

[As the big car overtakes a company director's Rolls, JOHN lowers his

window and the BOYS let out an imaginary hail of bullets at the executive

in the back. He re- acts violently and starts to shout at them. As he

does so, he presses the button of his win - dow so that we hear only part

of it. But what we do hear is unpleasant. He immediately presses the

button and the window rises.]

[RINGO and PAUL jump out of the car. RINGO takes two drumsticks from his

coat pocket and using them as bandilleros, inserts them with style into

the radiator grill (V.O. "Ole" from the BOYS). PAUL then using his coat

as a matador's cloak, does a butterfly pass at the car which has just

started up, narrowly missing him but he keeps in the matador position.]

[INTERIOR, CAR]

[NORM: Will you all stop it, you're like a gang of school kids. I knew

this was going to happen one day.]

[JOHN: (as Ringo and Paul climb in) Well, you shouldn't have had bacon

for your breakfast, you cannibal.]

[FRANK: (to Norm) We're nearly there, sir.]

[JOHN: Eh... don't call him sir, he's got enough delusions of power as

it is.]

[CLOSE SHOT of a long suffering NORM.]

[NORM: And I was happy in the bakery. I'll never know why I left.]

EXTERIOR, OLD VICTORIAN MUSIC HALL THEATRE

Which has been converted to the T.V. studios. There are a few groups of

GIRL FANS standing outside the front of the theatre, but against the curb

of the pavement is a night-watchman's canvas hut and brazier. The car

approaches.

INTERIOR, CAR

NORM: Get ready John, open the

Date: 2015-04-20; view: 1033