Listening to our Language

Because our attitudes and behaviors flow out of our paradigms, if we use our self-awareness to

examine them, we can often see in them the nature of our underlying maps. Our language, for

example, is a very real indicator of the degree to which we see ourselves as proactive people.

The language of reactive people absolves them of responsibility.

"That's me. That's just the way I am." I am determined. There's nothing I can do about it.

"He makes me so mad!" I'm not responsible. My emotional life is governed by something outside my control.

"I can't do that. I just don't have the time." Something outside me -- limited time -- is controlling me.

"If only my wife were more patient." Someone else's behavior is limiting my effectiveness.

"I have to do it." Circumstances or other people are forcing me to do what I do. I'm not free to choose my own actions.

Reactive Language: There's nothing I can do. That's just the way I am. He makes me so mad.

They won't allow that. I have to do that. I can't. I must. If only.

Proactive Language: Let's look at our alternatives. I can choose a different approach. I control

my own feelings. I can create an effective presentation. I will choose an appropriate response. I

choose. I prefer. I will.

That language comes from a basic paradigm of determinism. And the whole spirit of it is the

transfer of responsibility. I am not responsible, not able to choose my response.

One time a student asked me, "Will you excuse me from class? I have to go on a tennis trip."

"You have to go, or you choose to go?" I asked.

"I really have to," he exclaimed.

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart

"What will happen if you don't?"

"Why, they'll kick me off the team."

"How would you like that consequence?"

"I wouldn't."

"In other words, you choose to go because you want the consequence of staying on the team. What

will happen if you miss my class?"

"I don't know."

"Think hard. What do you think would be the natural consequence of not coming to class?"

"You wouldn't kick me out, would you?"

"That would be a social consequence. That would be artificial. If you don't participate on the

tennis team, you don't play. That's natural. But if you don't come to class, what would be the natural consequence?"

"I guess I'll miss the learning."

"That's right. So you have to weigh that consequence against the other consequence and make a

choice. I know if it were me, I'd choose to go on the tennis trip. But never say you have to do

anything."

"I choose to go on the tennis trip," he meekly replied.

"And miss my class?" I replied in mock disbelief.

A serious problem with reactive language is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. People

become reinforced in the paradigm that they are determined, and they produce evidence to support the

belief. They feel increasingly victimized and out of control, not in charge of their life or their destiny.

They blame outside forces -- other people, circumstances, even the stars -- for their own situation.

At one seminar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said,

"Stephen, I like what you're saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I'm really worried. My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I

guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can I do?"

"The feeling isn't there anymore?" I asked.

"That's right," he reaffirmed. "And we have three children we're really concerned about. What do you suggest?"

"Love her," I replied.

"I told you, the feeling just isn't there anymore."

"Love her."

"You don't understand. The feeling of love just isn't there."

"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."

"But how do you love when you don't love?"

"My friend, love is a verb. Love -- the feeling -- is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice.

Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"

In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling.

They're driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to

do so.

Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving

of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who

sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving

actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart Circle of Concern. Circle of Influence.

Another excellent way to become more self-aware regarding our own degree of proactivity is to look

at where we focus our time and energy. We each have a wide range of concerns -- our health, our

children, problems at work, the national debt, nuclear war. We could separate those from things in

which we have no particular mental or emotional involvement by creating a "Circle of Concern.

As we look at those things within our Circle of Concern, it becomes apparent that there are some

things over which we have no real control and others that we can do something about. We could

identify those concerns in the latter group by circumscribing them within a smaller Circle of Influence.

By determining which of these two circles is the focus of most of our time and energy, we can discover

much about the degree of our proactivity.

Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do

something about. The nature of their energy is positive, enlarging and magnifying, causing their

Circle of Influence to increase.

Reactive people, on the other hand, focus their efforts in the Circle of Concern. They focus on the

weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have

no control. Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language, and increased

feelings of victimization. The negative energy generated by that focus, combined with neglect in areas they could do something about, causes their Circle of Influence to shrink.

As long as we are working in our Circle of Concern, we empower the things within it to control us.

We aren't taking the proactive initiative necessary to effect positive change.

Earlier, I shared with you the story of my son who was having serious problems in school. Sandra

and I were deeply concerned about his apparent weaknesses and about the way other people were

treating him.

But those things were in our Circle of Concern. As long as we focused our efforts on those things,

we accomplished nothing, except to increase our own feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and to

reinforce our son's dependence.

It was only when we went to work in our Circle of Influence, when we focused on our own

paradigms, that we began to create a positive energy that changed ourselves and eventually influenced

our son as well. By working on ourselves instead of worrying about conditions, we were able to

influence the conditions.

Because of position, wealth, role, or relationships, there are some circumstances in which a person's

Circle of Influence is larger than his or her Circle of Concern.

This situation reflects on a self-inflicted emotional myopia -- another reactive selfish life-style

focused in the Circle of Concern.

Though they may have to prioritize the use of their influence, proactive people have a Circle of

Concern that is at least as big as their Circle of Influence, accepting the responsibility to use their

influence effectively.

Direct, Indirect, and No Control

The problems we face fall in one of three areas: direct control (problems involving our own

behavior); indirect control (problems involving other people's behavior); or no control (problems we can

do nothing about, such as our past or situational realities). The proactive approach puts the first step in the solution of all three kinds of problems within our present Circle of Influence.

Direct control problems are solved by working on our habits. They are obviously within our Circle

of Influence. These are the "Private Victories" of Habits 1, 2, and 3.

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart Indirect control problems are solved by changing our methods of influence. These are the "Public

Victories" of Habits 4, 5, and 6. I have personally identified over 30 separate methods of human

influence -- as separate as empathy is from confrontation, as separate as example is from persuasion.

Most people have only three or four of these methods in their repertoire, starting usually with

reasoning, and, if that doesn't work, moving to flight or fight. How liberating it is to accept the idea that I can learn new methods of human influence instead of constantly trying to use old ineffective

methods to "shape up" someone else!

No control problems involve taking the responsibility to change the line on the bottom on our face --

to smile, to genuinely and peacefully accept these problems and learn to live with them, even though

we don't like them. In this way, we do not empower these problems to control us. We share in the

spirit embodied in the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer, "Lord, give me the courage to change the things

which can and ought to be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed, and the

wisdom to know the difference."

Whether a problem is direct, indirect, or no control, we have in our hands the first step to the

solution. Changing our habits, changing our methods of influence and changing the way we see our

no control problems are all within our Circle of Influence.

Date: 2015-02-03; view: 948