Remember the Gospel

I'll be the first to admit that this article has been a pretty rough slog through a type of sin many of us (myself included) have fallen into at one time or another in our lives. Let me close by reminding us all that while God hates sin, and while sexual sin — like all sin — is destructive to us and grieving to God, there is hope and forgiveness in Jesus Christ. If we truly repent of our past sins and turn from them and believe in the atoning blood of Christ, we are not "damaged goods," but new creations. What was red as crimson has become white as snow.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

BIBLICAL DATING: GROWING IN INTIMACY

We talked about how to establish intentions for the early stages, appropriate topics of conversation, types of dates and level of emotional investment. The idea in all of that was not to establish a level of emotional (or certainly physical) intimacy that would imply marriage (defrauding one another), and result in a de facto emotional divorce if things don't work out. Our goal in dating as Christians is to save marital levels of interaction for marriage itself; to care well for the other person's soul, to be different from the world and so to bring glory to God.

This time, I want to apply some of the same principles we've been thinking about to a relationship that moves beyond the "early stages" and gets serious.

The essential line to walk here is to get to know one another better so that you can make a responsible and informed decision about marriage, but without acting married in the process and without violating 1 Thessalonians 4's admonition not to defraud and mistreat one another. Let's look at how this stage might play out by considering some of the same issues we looked at for the early stage.

Going Deeper

Clarity and intentions should be established when things move from "testing the waters" to "yeah, the water's fine." Don't assume that because you agreed to start dating or courting (presumably with the intention to determine whether marriage was the right thing) you (or your partner) will "just know" when things begin to progress. In the design of a relationship that we're carving out here, caring well for one another means we can't place too high a premium on being clear.

Guys, again the brunt of the work falls to you here. If you've gone through the early stage of the relationship and truly feel before God (to whom you will give account for your decision) that you should begin to get more intimately involved with this woman because you think marriage to her is a good possibility, you have to tell her.

Tell her that you have loved getting to know her, that you find her a godly woman, that you are interested in pursuing a more serious relationship with her for a finite period of time, basically to see if there are any clear obstacles (in terms of beliefs or affections or goals or personalities) to the two of you getting married.

Finally, you should tell her that if she does not find herself in the same place in terms of her feelings about the relationship (or if she becomes certain at any point moving forward that she is not interested in marriage to you), she should break up with you immediately.

Be clear. Be honest. Be deliberate. Is this scary? Sure. Will it feel a little forced or awkward? Maybe, but being deliberate and clear about where the relationship is need not suck all the fun, spontaneity and feeling out of the whole affair. In fact, many women tell me they deeply appreciate such clarity. Let me also reiterate that, like asking someone to date initially, this conversation is not a proposal, and neither person is committing to marry the other at this point. It's just a marker to say things are going well, and as far as you're concerned, the game is changing. If done well, it should actually put you both at ease moving forward.

Candle Time

Obviously, as your relationship progresses, the two of you will probably spend more time together than in the early stage, and more of that time will be spent alone together. That's OK to a point, as you will need to have some more serious discussions about major issues.

That said, it is still dangerous to spend time together alone in a private setting. Temptation in this area is easily underestimated, and it is very difficult to regain discipline and backtrack once you have sinned physically. Spend time in public. Remember those long candle-light dinners in restaurants I suggested were unadvisable in the early stages of a relationship? They can actually be good at this stage — especially when compared to long nights "chatting" on the couch at one of your apartments. Even at this stage in the relationship, there is still no reason or need for the two of you to be alone in one of your apartments together. For the sake of purity, be very careful about how and where you spend time together.

Date: 2015-12-24; view: 664