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Now What Do We Talk About?

In getting to know one another more intimately, there will also be some changes in some of the topics that are appropriate to discuss. You may, at this point, begin to get to know your potential partner at a more deeply spiritual level. You can share testimonies, talk more deeply about who you are, goals, hopes for your life's ministry (should the Lord tarry and give you many more years). As I've mentioned before, you should also discuss things like important theological issues and where you're comfortable going to church — to make sure the two of you are basically on the same page.

You should find one of two things as you have this these conversations regarding goals and anticipated ministries; there should either be a good deal of commonality between your goals and visions, or there should be significant flexibility on the part of the woman (who would one day be called to submit to her husband's headship with regard to career, direction of the family, etc.). Things will likely be very difficult down the road if one of you feels strongly called to a particular life or ministry that the other would absolutely dread.

You can also discuss things like interests, family, emotional issues, etc. in greater detail if it looks like things could be headed toward marriage, but caution is always in order as you get more deeply involved.

Also, do clearly discuss limits on your physical involvement (in other words, reiterate that there will not be one) and put methods of adhering to those limits in place. That said, don't make physical involvement — even a lack thereof — a frequent topic of conversation. That in and of itself can become a temptation — and the more you go over it and over it in your mind, the stronger the desire becomes and the less egregious the sin becomes (in your own mind, that is).

Finally, keep in mind that it is still not advisable to have long, intimate prayer times together at this stage. The situation has obviously changed somewhat, but that is still too tempting and too intimate. Pray with the people that are watching over your relationship. For that matter, go back over the list of topics I just talked about. Feel free to have any of those discussions in the presence of people you both trust or who are counseling you about the relationship.

Emotional Intimacy

Obviously, I've talked about this stage as being more emotionally intimate than the early days of a relationship, and I realize that in this day and age, many people feel that they must know the person they marry better than any other human being on the planet before they marry him or her. I generally think that is a wrong assumption and that such an approach leads to a lot of emotional "marriages" outside of actual marriage that are not biblical or healthy. Remember that in Scripture, we don't see deeply intimate romantic relationships outside of marriage — or if we do, they're described as sinful.

Because of that, let me suggest, even as you assess at this heightened level whether marriage is right, that you limit your emotional (and, of course, physical) intimacy. Put that person on your list of confidants, but do not make that person your primary emotional outlet. As I wrote last month, that will be incredibly hard to do, but trust me when I say that that discipline and care for the other person will serve you well, whether you end up married or not.



This later, more intimate stage should not be used by either person to "drink deeply" of a level of companionship that feels good for its own sake. It's not intended to give you a forum to "play married" and see how it works. It should not be drawn out. I cannot, as a biblical matter, give you a specific timeline here. As a practical matter, I think we're talking a matter of several months, not a year or two.

Guys, the woman you're dating can and should end the relationship if she realizes she doesn't want to marry you. But you are the guiding force in the relationship. It's incumbent upon you to move the relationship deliberately. This stage should be short, deliberate and limited.

Accountability

Accountability is even more important as the relationship deepens than it was in the early stages. It should still be frequent, personal, local and tough. At this point though, more questions need to be added to the list. Not just "are you staying pure physically?" and all the emotionally equivalent questions, but "what are you doing?" "Where is this going?" "What kind of time frame are we talking about before some clear action is taken?" should be a regular part of conversations.

So those are a few suggestions for handling a relationship as things progress. Again, these are practical suggestions about how to apply biblical principles we've discussed before. It will certainly look different from relationship to relationship, and that's OK — even good. Keep the underlying biblical principles in mind, seek to live them out faithfully, and the Lord will be glorified.

 


Date: 2015-12-24; view: 684


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