Saturday 17th August

I was a nervous wreck by lunchtime. By five o’clock I was having migraines and struggling to breathe.

A team of first years had transformed the hall from a boring old dining hall into a boring old dining hall with streamers hanging off the chandeliers. The kitchen staff had changed the tablecloths and Reverend Bishop had donated second-hand church candles for all the tables and the cloisters.

Bad news is that Pike and Anderson have been chosen as the DJs for the party. Boggo seems very worried about this. He says it is a known fact that lifesavers, doctors and DJs get the most sex.

19:00 I stood in the main quad watching thin fingers of mist sliding over the library roof. The cloisters were lit by flickering candles in brown bags and a crowd of terrified boys gathered around the main archway waiting for their dates to arrive. Others were leading their girls proudly (or not so proudly) across the quad in the direction of the Great Hall.

I was too scared to wait at the front entrance with all the other boys so I pretended to be entranced by the cloister candles instead. After about a minute of entrancement I decided to be brave and wait at the school entrance. Obviously my brain and my body weren’t in agreement because I found myself walking back towards the house door instead.

‘Hey, Spud! I heard the St Catherine’s bus just pulled in,’ said Boggo as he sprinted across the quad. I followed him across the quad feeling nauseous. All the boys were looking edgy and everywhere was loud bragging, mocking and the odd friendly beating. Cars were pulling up to the front of the school and each time a girl would get out of her parents’ car looking embarrassed. If the new arrival was beautiful, the noise would die down to a murmur as everyone stopped talking to gawk. If the bride was no oil painting there would be loud laughter and farm animal noises.

I recognized Marge’s car. It stopped directly in front of the crowd of boys. The passenger door opened and a pair of black high heels clicked onto the cobblestone paving. A door slammed and Marge drove away – other than that there was complete silence. I stepped forward and held out my hand to her. There was a flash of white teeth, a flick of wispy blonde hair and the feeling of her soft lips on mine. I led Mermaid through the crowd. Every single boy had his eyes on her. It was impossible not to.

I was soon reminded that this wasn’t a dream when there was a loud shout from the direction of the vestry roof. Everyone stopped in their tracks and watched in amazement at the action happening above us and about six feet below our old first year dormitory.

Dressed in trench coats the Sad Six were all lined up along the vestry roof. I could see somebody pointing and directing from the dormitory window but couldn’t see the mastermind himself.

Suddenly the Sad Six turned away from us and dropped their trench coats. They were stark naked and each backside had a letter painted on it. Reading from left to right the six letters read:

MAD GOD

Unfortunately for Mad Dog, his infamously crap spelling meant that Thinny and JR Ewing were positioned on the wrong side of Barryl so the joke was on him. Barryl (the letter O) stood out because he had white paint while the others had luminous green paint. We all agreed that the white circle on Barryl’s bum made him look disturbingly similar to the rear end of a waterbuck. Even worse news was that Anderson had witnessed the entire performance and had charged off to find his sawn-off hockey stick.

I could never thank Mad Dog enough. It was the icebreaker we needed, and soon the Mermaid and I were laughing and sharing stories like old times. I noticed Mermaid kept touching my arm when she was talking to me and she kept saying how great it was to see me again. So far I’d achieved absolutely zero objectives from Mission Mermaid.

I showed Mermaid to our table. I must admit it didn’t look good. Vern looked completely distressed that Anneline Kriel hadn’t rocked up and sat at the head of the table muttering to himself like Gollum. Fatty was finishing off the last of the garnish. (I assume he’d already finished the snacks.) Boggo’s date, Tanya, was twice the size of me and had an eyebrow that stretched across her face like the Great Wall of China. Boggo didn’t speak to his date and spent the entire dinner trying to edge closer to Mermaid and asked her a series of dumb questions. Whenever she said something Boggo would stare at her breasts and pretend to be deep in thought about what the Mermaid had just said. Tanya was also glaring at Mermaid while trying to swallow an entire bread roll.

Dinner was tough. Fatty ate like a pig and dripped gravy all over his white shirt. Vern started breathing like Darth Vader again and placed his photograph of Anneline Kriel at the empty place setting to his right. Boggo waited patiently for Tanya to finish gorging herself on a chunk of rare roast beef before offering her a peppermint and a walk in the rose garden. As he was standing up, Boggo shoved a spoon in his mouth and gave us a demonstration of what he was expecting in the rose garden. Mermaid blushed and looked away. Unfortunately, this meant that she was looking straight at Vern, who seemed to be arguing with his dessertspoon. After a minute Mermaid and I followed Boggo and Tanya out of the hall and headed out through the main archway in the direction of the cricket fields.

We sheltered from the freezing drizzle under a pine tree near the cricket nets. Mermaid leant against the tree and shivered. I stood opposite her with my hands in my pockets, took a deep breath and asked the question:

What happened?

Mermaid stared at me like I’d just asked her to execute someone. She waved her fingers near her face as if to cool herself down, also took a deep breath and said, ‘I’ve been practising this for four months.’ I didn’t say anything because I was counting back months to April. She sent me a birthday card on my birthday so that must have been a sign. The only reason I hadn’t replied in the end was because Simon said I would be castrating myself if I did. This also meant that all the time I had been hiding in her bushes watching her like a pervert I could have just walked up the driveway and kissed her!

Mermaid talked until my face went numb with cold. Most of it I didn’t listen to because at one stage she said she still loved me and I struggled to concentrate on anything she said after that.

The surfer dude in the white Golf goes by the name of Cameron. (Just the sort of name I was expecting.) When she first mentioned him I had a vivid image in my mind of beating him to a pulp in front of the Mermaid. But then she told me that he has a karate black belt and can also throw knives and eat fire, so it’s probably better that I resent him from afar.

After Mermaid’s marathon apology I told her that I forgave her and said that what’s past should stay in the past. Unfortunately, that set her off crying and going on about what a terrible person she was. I didn’t know what to do so I just stood under the tree and watched her sobbing in respectful silence. Eventually she stopped crying and told me I was her soulmate and that she wants to be friends with me forever.

This was bad news.

Rambo reckons that when a girl says she wants to be friends it means she either finds you repulsive or she’s found a guy who’s hung like a donkey. I tried to flush the nasty image of well hung farm animals out of my mind and racked my brains for something clever to say. All I could manage was ‘Me too.’ I was just starting to work up the courage to move forward to try and kiss her when we were interrupted by Boggo and Tanya. Boggo looked red in the face and had a disturbing grin on his face. Tanya had wet grass stuck to the back of her pants and looked a little out of breath. I thought Boggo had approached for a reason but instead he pinned Tanya against the tree and started kissing her right in front of us. I noticed him squinting at Mermaid out the corner of his eye while he plunged his tongue down Tanya’s throat. Boggo was also making weird groaning noises and breathing loudly through his nose so Mermaid and I decided to make a break for the Great Hall.

Back at the dance things were looking a bit grim. Fatty had apparently thrown up under a table after nearly choking to death on his toothpick. Mad Dog was also making loud sheep bleats and mooning people in the quad at regular intervals from the safety of the vestry roof.

Walk Like an Egyptian began playing and Mermaid said she was feeling sorry for Vern and skipped onto the dance floor and started dancing with my deranged cubicle mate, who was making strange robotic movements in the far corner by himself. Vern blushed bright red and his tongue hung out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on his spasmodic dance moves. He looked absolutely thrilled when Mermaid began dancing with him and started inching in closer and grinning at her in a worrying fashion. Around me guys were saying, ‘No ways! Check, okes!’ Someone said it looked like beauty and the beast.

Suddenly DJ Pike switched on the mirror ball and Emberton darted down from the DJ booth, strode onto the dance floor and told Vern to get lost. Emberton then grabbed Mermaid’s hand and started slow dancing with her. The music abruptly changed and Pike played The Bangles’ Eternal Flame. (No doubt the matrics were hunting as a pack and they’d identified Mermaid as their target!) Mermaid seemed a little uncomfortable about being so close to Emberton whose right hand was slowly edging down her back towards her bum. Vern didn’t look too happy with developments either and started slow dancing with an imaginary partner right next to them.

Suddenly a strong hand grabbed me by the collar of my blazer and yanked me backwards. It was Rambo. ‘Spud, wake up, you dipshit! Emberton’s closing in! Snap out of it!’ Then Boggo was in my face, saying, ‘You can’t let him schnaai your Mermaid! Oh, and by the way, if your chick grabs Emberton then I’m having a go after he’s finished with her.’

I strode onto the dance floor like I was ready for a fight. Thank God Mermaid broke away from Emberton the moment she saw me and soon she and I were slow dancing together. I looked into her eyes and started moving in for the big kiss but yet again the moment was ruined. There was a shriek of static and Pike’s booming voice came over the microphone. ‘Ladies and gentlemen! A big hand for Devries for hitting the jackpot!’ A spotlight shone against the far wall of the dance floor and there were Devries and Tanya grabbing each other. Everyone cheered and Devries carried on kissing her while raising his left fist in triumph. Boggo and Rambo sprinted onto the dance floor but it was too late. There was a shriek of static and Pike’s voice boomed over the microphone again. ‘Sorry, Boggo, but your girl says you smell of fish paste and your dick’s too small. Oh, and thanks for the hundred bucks, guys!’

So we lost our bet, Boggo lost his date and Tanya lost her reputation.

I didn’t have the guts to kiss Mermaid in front of Marge’s car so I gave her a lame hug instead. I watched Marge’s car disappear into the mist and kicked a stone off the road. I should have kissed her. I definitely should have kissed her.

I felt a thump on my back – it was Rambo. ‘Hey, Spud, what’s the point of having a hot chick if you’re gonna treat her like your sister? No wonder she dumped you.’ I felt a familiar feeling – it was the feeling of dropping an easy catch in a cricket match.

I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, replaying the night in my head. I had had three definite chances to make my move and had chickened out every time.

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 474