Wednesday 21st August

Had a rather unsuccessful afternoon fumbling around in the human physiology section of the library looking for a green and white striped book on human anatomy. Boggo says there’s a picture on page 124 of a brunette with a ‘nine out of ten’ pair of knockers. Since he also rates Mermaid’s boobs as a nine out of ten (and since I’ve never seen Mermaid’s boobs) I was trying to get an idea of what I might expect to see in the hopefully not too distant future. I’m also making a conscious effort to be more manly.

After searching all over the Biology section I eventually found the green and white striped book on human anatomy hiding between a manual on skin disease and a book on renal failure. Page 124 had been ripped out.

Then I found a book called Plague. I didn’t want to open it but I did anyway. On the inside cover was a grisly picture of a huge pile of bodies wrapped in white sheets. Underneath it said: COUNTING THE COST – TANZANIA 85.

‘Milton the poet!’ boomed a loud voice right behind me.

The librarian (Mrs Hall) shot The Guv a dirty look that he completely ignored. He peered at the books behind me and then frowned at me over the rims of his horn-rimmed spectacles and cried, ‘Biology, Milton, biology? Have you gone ball bouncingly crackers?’ There was a loud Shhhhhh from the returns desk and Mrs Hall shook her head at us and looked sour. I told The Guv that I was reading up on the plague. The Guv staggered back looking horrified and cried, ‘You haven’t got the clap, have you?’ (Not sure what the clap is but it sounds worse than the plague.) I then asked him what he was doing in the Biology section. ‘Oh, the usual, Milton,’ he replied. ‘Page 124 of the green and white striped book, of course.’ I informed The Guv about the missing page. He shouted ‘Balls!’ and thumped his walking stick into the floor. Mrs Hall then lost her temper and shouted at The Guv and told him he was setting a poor example to the boys. The Guv shouted back at Mrs Hall and told her her library was a complete disgrace and that the Biology shelves were in utter turmoil. He tapped me on the leg with his stick and whispered, ‘You see how she flirts?’ He then stood up straight and said, ‘Monday lunch, Milton. You, me and the EEC.’ With that he stormed out of the library, slamming the door behind him.

I told Boggo that The Guv knew about page 124 of the green and white striped book and that meant the book must have been around when The Guv was a student! Boggo seemed quite thrilled about it and said that this confirmed his belief that ‘a good pair of knockers are forever.’

Friday 23rd August

Barryl arrived at my bed after lunch and said that I had to report to Julian’s bed immediately. (I assumed that he meant bedroom.) I knocked on Julian’s door and there was a long pause and then a loud shout of ‘Come!’

When Julian saw me he placed his hand on his chest and gasped, ‘Oh, thank God it’s you. I thought it was Anderson. He really is a giant prick, you know, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.’

Julian closed his curtains and then turned on me like I’d done something wrong. ‘Spud, you depress me, you really do.’ I didn’t know what he was talking about so I did my usual trick of shaking my head and looking sadly out the window. Unfortunately, the curtains were closed so I must have looked like an idiot. Julian didn’t seem to notice and carried on with his speech. ‘I watch you out there in the congregation every Sunday looking alienated and rejected and my heart feels like it could just burst.’ I nodded and tried my best to look alienated and rejected. Julian placed his arm on my shoulder and said, ‘Poor boy.’

‘So,’ continued Julian in a voice that didn’t quite sound his own, ‘I have decided that in my final days as Head Chorister I am going to bestow a presidential pardon on you. You are herewith christened a tenor and you are once again a member of the choir.’ I wasn’t quite expecting this news, so as a result I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. ‘But,’ said Julian with a finger pointed upwards, ‘I have one condition, and one condition only. You are under no circumstances to sing!’ I told Julian it was a crazy idea, but Julian would have none of it. He said in a year’s time when I have a tenor voice that can melt chocolate I will get down on my knees and thank him. Then he started sniffing and going on about how much he’ll miss the choir and the school. I couldn’t exactly turn him down so I thanked him and left.

There is no way in hell I’m going back to the choir until I can sing without having a knackjump or sounding like a toucan.

Sunday 25th August

I told Julian I couldn’t sing with the choir today because I didn’t know any of the hymns. I explained that without knowing the hymns my lip-synching would be out of synch. I then promised him I would take Hymns Ancient & Modern home with me and learn the songs over the long weekend. Julian sucked the whole lot in, unaware that he was being conned by a cunning Spud Milton.

Rambo, Fatty and Mad Dog have spent the entire weekend in the Mad House. They haven’t even slept in the dormitory! By the time the rest of us joined them for free bounds they were completely smashed and had tied themselves to the tree with ropes so that in their drunken state they didn’t fall out. Rambo reckoned they’d finished a bottle of brandy and a bottle of vodka and smoked two packets of cigarettes between them since Saturday morning. Rambo organized one of the grounds staff to buy the booze and cigarettes from the station café in return for a huge tip. Thankfully, there were only a few Camels left so I wasn’t forced to smoke. I noticed two big black wings hanging from the ceiling of the Mad House. Turns out Mad Dog shot a crow with his catapult. Fatty wasn’t impressed with the crow’s wings though, and said they would bring bad luck to the Mad House. Mad Dog said he didn’t believe in luck and that he had a drawer of crows’ wings at home and nothing bad has ever happened to him.

Monday 26th August

LUNCHEON WITH THE GUV & THE EEC

I wasn’t quite sure who or what the EEC was so I was a little apprehensive as I made my way across Trafalgar towards The Guv’s house for our Monday lunch. I found my English teacher fast asleep in his rocking chair with a huge pile of books on his coffee table. I cleared my throat and coughed. The Guv didn’t stir. I didn’t know whether I should shake his arm or call out ‘Sir’. Either way I was certain to give him a fright. I decided to retreat into the kitchen and then out the back door and start again. I waited a few seconds and then knocked loudly.

‘Milton the poet!’ came the instant reply. Then The Guv shouted, ‘Speak, friend, and enter!’ I made a second entry through the kitchen and into his living room. The Guv was now standing over his pile of books looking like he had never been asleep. He tapped away at the top of the pile with the handles of his glasses and said, ‘Milton – meet the EEC.’ I grinned like a cretin, not knowing what he was talking about and too embarrassed to admit it.

Turns out that EEC is actually a poet. His name is EE Cummings but he writes it as ee cummings.

The Guv began by threatening to shove my head into the fire if I so much as sniggered at EEC’s name. The Guv said, ‘For some unknown and unfathomable reason this school only allows third years and matrics to read his work. It pains me to say that you haven’t met this genius before.’ I asked The Guv if it had sex in it. The Guv said there was no sex in it but he’d had a lot of sex because of it.

‘The reason, Milton, why this man’s poetry is deemed dangerous to young minds is because he doesn’t use any punctuation.’

The Guv was right. ee cummings doesn’t use any punctuation at all and doesn’t use capital letters for his initials or name. The Guv called him a literary pioneer and then told me that if I attempted to copy EEC’s punctuation he’d fail me and have me tortured.

After lunch he made me read out a poem called in just spring (notice no punctuation). I must admit I found it a beautiful poem but very difficult to read. Because there were no full stops my brain wouldn’t let me stop to breathe. I must have been racing along in my reading because The Guv thumped his spoon into the table and accused me of a massacre. The next time I read it through he repeatedly pinged his fork against his wine glass to indicate where I should breathe.

I eventually mastered the EEC. The Guv’s right. The man is a genius.

Inspired by the EEC, I wrote Mermaid a short love poem without any punctuation in it. I then posted it off and immediately regretted my decision. I’m not sure if the Mermaid is a poemy type of girl.

21:00 At lights out Anderson announced that Fatty had been elected by the matrics and post-matrics to be the junior house tug-of-war captain. The big showdown takes place on Trafalgar on Wednesday and Fatty has to choose a team of six, including himself. Fatty held immediate trials which resulted in Vern and me having an arm wrestle to decide who was going to take the final place on the tug-of-war team.

The duel between my cubicle mate and me was very evenly matched. Our fists were locked in a shaky standoff and I watched in fascination as Vern’s face grew redder and redder as he strained to overpower my hand. Unfortunately for Vern, he sneezed and Fatty disqualified him on the spot. Vern was bitterly disappointed and marched off to the bogs muttering to himself and stamping his feet as he walked.

Fatty then woke up the Sad Six and organized a knockout competition to decide who was the strongest first year. In the first round Spike dislocated Runt’s finger and Darryl was too scared of arm wrestling Barryl that he disqualified himself without giving a reason. In the end Barryl easily beat JR Ewing in the final.

I have to take on Barryl tomorrow night at 10pm.

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 590