Tuesday 29th January

Mermaid called and sounded happier than I can ever remember her being. She said she won a thousand rands’ worth of shopping vouchers and free access to the Aquarium whenever she wanted. She also got flowers, jewellery and some designer clothes. Then she told me she loved me and said she had to go.

Give us five years and we’ll be a Hollywood glamour couple like Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford!

21:30 Greg Anderson said we were now allowed to see the first years, thereby declaring first year hunting season open, but said he would be watching us like a hawk. He then switched off the lights and slammed the door. We all marched straight to Rambo’s bed. Rambo told Vern that he was allowed to take Roger along but had to leave Potato behind in his locker because it sent out dodgy signals.

One by one we slipped into the first year dorm. Fatty lit his candles on the floor and burned two sticks of incense. Rambo ordered the new boys to get out of bed and sit on the floor in front of the candles.

‘We are the second years. My name is Rambo and I am your king. If anything happens in this place, it goes by me first. You will not refuse or disobey me under any circumstances.’ He then moved to Simon. ‘This is Simon. He is the finest cricketer this school has ever seen.’ And then to Fatty. ‘This is Fatty, the greediest schoolboy the school has known. He weighs 200 kilograms, can fart for half a minute and also has supernatural powers.’ Fatty eyed the new boys solemnly and lit yet another candle. Rambo then moved to Boggo and slapped him on the back. ‘This man is Boggo – the greatest pornographer since Hugh Hefner. If your mom posed naked with a horse, believe me, Boggo’s got the proof.’ He then ambled up to Mad Dog, who took out his hunting and filleting knife. I could see the first years’ eyes widen in the candlelight. ‘This is Mad Dog, a savage, brainless killer. Whatever you do – never look him in the eyes!’ Mad Dog barked loudly and pegged his knife into Gecko’s old locker. And then Rambo came to me. ‘This is Spud, actor, singer and his girlfriend is a supermodel. Unfortunately, he’s a homo so keep away from him in the showers.’ My jaw dropped. I tried to say something but Rambo glared at me so I stopped. ‘And this is Rain Man. Last year he ran away from school, stole a hundred and fifty pairs of underpants and ripped half the hair out of his head. He is the craziest of the Crazy Eight so stay away from him at all times, particularly after dark.’ Vern grinned like a psychopath and ripped out a small clump of hair. The first years stared at him open mouthed. Rambo then introduced a wild looking Roger before asking Fatty to open the ceremony with a supernatural ritual.

Fatty took the floor for half an hour, lighting more candles, humming strangely and generally being weird. He told them all about the ghost of Macarthur and explained that Macarthur was an English teacher who had hanged himself in the chapel in 1944 and how the mystery of his death is yet to be solved. He then went on for ages about Gecko dying and said it had happened directly after a visitation by the school ghost. Throughout his lecture on paranormal dormitory activity the first years were dead silent and wide eyed. Except for Junior Pike, who had a cheeky grin on his face like he didn’t believe a word that Fatty was saying.

Rambo took the floor again and said, ‘Our housemaster’s nickname is Sparerib, and he’s married to Eve who’s the school counsellor. I can have sex with Eve whenever I want.’ There were a few raised eyebrows among the Crazy Eight but nobody said anything. Then Rambo said the time had come to officially nickname the first years. There are three boys who look very similar and bizarrely two of them are called Michael and the other Mark. It turns out they aren’t related although Boggo said that one of the moms could be a slut and responsible for the whole litter. Rambo decided to call them all Darryl, after the brothers Darryl in the Bob Newhart show. I christened another JR Ewing because he looks exactly like the actor from Dallas. The boy’s real name is Roy and he didn’t look very impressed with his nickname. He’s also far bigger than me so I’m now regretting getting involved at all. Mad Dog called the new Gecko impersonator Runt.

Junior Pike was initially named Dickhead by Simon, but this was later changed to Spike. And finally, the tallest first year was then named by Fatty, who decided to call him Thinny. Vern asked if he could call one of the three Darryls Roger instead but Rambo said he liked the consistency of three Darryls. We agreed that the first years needed a group name so we called them the Normal Seven.

THE NORMAL SEVEN

The 3 Darryls

JR Ewing

Runt

Spike

Thinny

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 619