Saturday 19th January

09:55 The Guv made us listen to a tape of Beethoven at full volume in the change room before our match against Drake College. Our coach strode around conducting the recorded orchestra with my cricket bat. After the piece finished, he told us to ‘Render all helpless in the eternal fight for blinding glory.’ We all looked as aggressive as possible and Mad Dog punched a dent in the toilet door.

We swarmed onto our new home cricket field, called Godfrey Ellis after an Old Boy who was apparently the first casualty of the Second World War. According to Fatty, Godfrey Ellis drowned in Durban harbour after falling off the gangplank while waving to his family.

We charged onto the field looking wickedly impressive in our cricket longs. There was a sprinkling of polite applause from a few parents and loud hooting and flashing headlights from a green Renault station wagon parked next to the sightscreen. I didn’t dare look at my parents and walked in an utterly focused manner towards gully (my fielding position). Rambo trotted across from his position at first slip to have a word with Mad Dog, whose run up is now almost all the way to the boundary rope. On the way back to his position Rambo had a few words to the batsman who I must admit looked a bit startled. The Guv shouted, ‘Play!’ and Mad Dog came roaring in and bowled a fast bouncer that flew over the batsman’s head. Mad Dog then followed through all the way up to the batsman and growled at him like a dog. Rambo shouted, ‘Take it easy, Mad Dog! Remember it’s just a game.’ The batsman looked a little freaked out and shot a look at the square leg umpire. The next ball smashed the middle stump out of the ground. Rambo and Mad Dog ran up to each other and embraced in a bear hug, followed by high fives in the middle of the pitch. Dad charged back to his car and hooted again.

And so it went on. Every batsman got a word in his ear from Rambo and one by one Mad Dog cleaned them up. After a brilliant bowling effort he retired exhausted to the fine leg boundary and The Guv retired thirsty to the Milton deckchairs. Dad fired up the skottelbraai and cooked hotdogs and fried onions. I gave Mom three letters to give to Marge to give to Mermaid. I figured it’s quicker than post. Unfortunately, The Guv and Dad started chanting the Wedding March so I got embarrassed and ran back to the change room. I noticed that Martin Leslie’s parents, who had parked next to the folks, had moved to the opposite side of the field under the trees.

Simon smashed Drake College to pieces. He scored 91 not out, out of a total of 115. He was literally amazing. The poor Drake bowlers spent the afternoon shaking their heads and shouting at each other’s fielding which grew progressively more useless by the over.

THE BOG DISASTER

20:10 Saturday night movie was Kramer vs Kramer with Meryl Streep and Dustin Hoffman (the real Rain Man). It was good to see Hoffman speaking normally again. Unfortunately, the first ten minutes was very slow moving so I ducked off for a drink of water. I heard one of the first years sobbing in the toilet. I tried to talk to him but he ignored me. Then Vern charged in to see what was happening in his beloved bogs and ordered the first year out of the toilet. Rain Man was dead set on reporting the poor homesick first year to Sparerib. He seemed appalled that someone should be grief stricken in his bogs without permission. Vern wrote a written warning on his pad and slid it under the door. I kept trying to stop him but he threatened to report me to Sparerib for bad form in the bogs and surrounds. (I can’t believe bad form in the bogs and surrounds is a real offence actually.)

Then Vern started banging on the toilet door, before scribbling down a second warning and sliding it underneath it. Unfortunately, he slid the warning into a puddle of stagnant toilet water. While Vern was furiously writing the second draft of his second warning and muttering angrily to himself like Gollum, Boggo strode in from the common room and asked us what was going on. Vern told him there was a criminal hiding in the bog. Boggo said that the only way to drive a rat from its lair is by an airborne bog wash.

‘Bog wash,’ gasped Vern like Boggo had given him the cure for cancer. Boggo filled a bucket of water and hurled it over the toilet door. There was a crash and a splash and then silence. Vern banged viciously on the door again and demanded that the criminal emerge from his hiding place. Then the latch clicked and Eunice, the African lady who cleans the bogs, staggered out crying her eyes out and holding a drenched letter in her shaky hands. My heart sank. I felt like crying. I heard Boggo saying, ‘Oh shit!’ Vern and I said nothing as Eunice shuffled past us and disappeared out through the house door. There was a loud thunk as Vern ripped out a knot of hair. The only other sound was the hum of the neon bog lights.

As if all the guilt isn’t enough, Anderson was hanging around outside the house drinking tea and saw what happened, so now we’re in serious shit as well. Anderson says we have to apologize to Eunice in writing. (Vern started right away on his notepad.) We also have to do an hour of hard labour in Eunice’s vegetable garden at a time that suits her best. Boggo said there was no way in hell he would do hard labour for black people and stormed off back to the common room.

Feeling like I’m a traitor to the Struggle and it’s not even my fault. I tried to find Luthuli for a chat but he was in Johannesburg giving a speech so I returned to the common room to watch the movie. It’s all about divorce which made me think of Mermaid. I ducked out again and called her but Marge said she was out with friends. Then I imagined her out with other boys and got insanely jealous, so I told Death Breath I had a headache and went to bed.

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 736