The Grace in Darkness by Melissa Andrea

Also by Melissa Andrea

The Flutter Series

Flutter – Rereleasing December 2013

Shatter – Coming Soon

The Darkness Trinity Series

The Edge of Darkness

The Grace in Darkness

Allure, an Infinity novel – Coming Soon

Melissa Andrea

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author ’ ’ s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales, is entirely coincidental.

The Grace in Darkness Copyright © 2013 MELISSA ANDREA

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form without written permission except for the use of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Published by:

Melissa Andrea

Copyright © 2013 by Melissa Andrea

Dare to be DIFFERENT

Dare to be UNIQUE

Dare to be YOU

I believe everything happens for a reason.

Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they ’ ’ re right.

And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

—Marilyn Monroe

Three months, six days, fifteen hours, and forty-three minutes. That’s how long it’d been since I last saw Araya.

One month, four days, ten hours, and twenty-nine minutes was how long it took for me to find out where she was.

One month, nine days, eight hours, and fifty-nine minutes was the amount of time it had taken me to actually work up the nerve to come see Araya.

As I walked through the grounds of Madison Academy, my heart pounded against my chest and I was sure everyone could hear the sound echo off the fancy stone walls of the upscale prep school for the blind vision impaired.

The main hall smelled of high society upbringing, greed, and dirty money. It left a bad taste in my mouth and made me wonder how Araya was surviving in a place like this. She was nothing like the people who inhabited this school. I knew that for a fact.

I bypassed the administrator’s office because I was sure they would have my pictures and clear instructions to escort me off the premises. Working with J.D. for the past three months was teaching me how to stay one step ahead of him. It also left me wandering the halls aimlessly.

I figured I could stop someone who looked less official and ask them if they knew of Araya and where she might be.

Just then a girl rounded the corner. She didn’t make eye contact as she got closer to me, and for some reason I lost my nerve to get her attention as she closed in on me.

She surprised me when she suddenly looked at me as if just noticing I was there.

“You lost?” she asked, smiling flirtatiously.

“Uh…” I hesitated, rubbing the back of my neck.

“It’s not a trick question.” She teased.

“I’m looking for someone,” I blurted before I lost my nerve.

I don’t know why I was so nervous. This is what I wanted, what I’d been waiting for, but that still didn’t stop my stomach from knotting.

“This someone have a name?”

“Araya?”

“Are you asking me?” She smiled, clearly enjoying giving me a hard time. I laughed, instantly feeling stupid.

“Her name is Araya Noelle.”

She nodded once, slowly, eyeing me cautiously before she turned on her heel, going in the direction she’d just come. Her chestnut hair swirled around her as she took off. I frowned and looked around. Was I supposed to follow her?

“Yes,” she called out behind her.

“I’m sorry, what?” I called, sticking my head out to hear her better.

She looked at me over her shoulder. “Yes, you follow me.”

I caught up with her, walking fast because she was obviously not going to wait for me. I could see her looking in my direction and I cocked my head slightly to peek at her from the corner of my eye to make sure I wasn’t just thinking she was looking at me. When it was confirmed, I looked at her too

“What?”

She raised her eyebrows at me. “Before I go through all the effort of sashaying my hips, batting my lashes, and drawing you in with my witty personality, are you and Araya more than just friends?”

I frowned and then laughed loudly. “Yeah, we’re definitely more.”

“I thought so. You look completely smitten,” she said with a pout.

We turned down another hall and then she stopped so suddenly I had to backtrack a few steps to even out with her.

“Why’d we stop?”

She pointed to our left and my gaze immediately fell on Araya’s reflection in the ceiling-to-floor mirrored walls. My breath caught. My memory hadn’t been doing her beauty justice.

“Exactly what I thought…” the brunette said. “Smitten.” I vaguely heard her, and when I went to tell her thanks, she was gone.

Araya was sitting on the floor, her legs wide as she stretched to touch her toes. Her head was low, but her attention was on the girl next to her. Her long red hair was pulled back in a tightly secured knot. She stood up, stretching from side to side. Her black leotard clung to her shapely curves.

She lifted up on to the tips of her toes, once and then twice. She was dancing again and she looked happy. I watched her for a few more minutes and the more I watched her, the more I knew I was going to turn around and walk away from her.

My hand pressed to the window and I leaned my weight into my arm. I watched her as she spun perfectly on the point of her feet and then stopped, smiling proudly. It didn’t quite reach her eyes, but she was glowing.

She looked up, and for a brief moment we just stared at each other. I’d give my next breath for her to know I was there. Part of me had secretly, selfishly hoped she was going to be unhappy here and relieved that I’d finally found her. Part of me really wanted to be the Prince Charming she’d labeled me once before. That time seemed so long ago.

I pressed my hand harder into the glass, wanting her to sense me. To know I was there for her. There was a slight frown that haunted her brows, but she looked away and I was left there standing with a void too big to fit in my chest.

She was happy and I wouldn’t destroy that by making her choose. Mostly because I was scared to death it wouldn’t be me that she chose in the end.

The instructor clapped her hands and everyone turned to greet her with their attention, including Araya.

Watching her turn away from me made me want to put my fist through the glass, and I knew I needed to get out of here. Fast. Backing away, I let my hand slide away from the window. I walked away from the one person who could end this all, and I walked away before I saw her turn to look over her shoulder in my direction. Like I said, timing is a funny thing.

I erupted through the heavy doors at the entrance of the building and an angry sound ripped through the misty air as I growled toward the sky. I breathed in the fresh air, pushing out all the pain and heartache I was feeling. My chest felt constricted and my heart was beating so fast with no room to expand.

Something inside me snapped and I could feel darkness as thick as tar flowing through my veins. Suddenly, the sun’s light was swallowed and I looked up toward the sky to see the grey clouds covering the last bits of baby blue.

I would wait. I would give her what she asked for, what she needed, but when she was ready, all bets were off.

Time a funny thing.

Cars with bright flashing blue and red lights surrounded the building.

One second could change everything.

Armed police men ran up the stairs, hissing out hushed commands as they swarmed each floor.

The next two minutes could determine the outcome for the rest of your life.

Reaching the apartment door, they banged on it, issuing their standard threat.

If I had left thirty minutes earlier, she wouldn’t have left to find me and she never would have been there.

Counting to three, one officer forced the door open, sweeping through the apartment.

Five minutes could mean everything.

“You have the right to the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law

You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?”

It could mean the difference between life and death.

“Again, Araya,” Madam Violet said.

Madame Violet was her official name. She snapped and clasped her hands together with a loud slap.

Placing my hands on my hips, I blew out a deep, frustrated breath. Dropping my head forward, I rolled it from side to side. If I never again had to hear the words Again, Araya, I would be an incredibly happy girl.

“Araya!” Her voice was scolding as she demanded my attention.

Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I finally lifted my head, following the sound of her voice.

“We’re going on four hours now. How much longer are you going to keep me prisoner to this dance floor?”

“Until you get it right.” She didn’t miss a beat. “Your first recital is in a couple of weeks. You don’t have much time to get this down.”

“Can I at least have some water? Even death row inmates get water, right?”

“At a price, I’m sure they do.”

Groaning, I bit my lip to keep from using the blind card. I never did it. I didn’t want anyone in this school to think I needed special privileges. But I was on the verge of collapsing right here, right now, and the excuse was scorching my lips to get out.

“Five minutes?” I pleaded.

I took a deep breath and that only reminded me that the room was hot and stuffy and my lungs burned from the lack of breathable air. The room was guarded with windows and even though the sun was setting low into the evening, it was still warm enough to bake the building. I could feel the beads of sweat sliding along my hairline and down the back of my neck.

My plain white leotard stuck to my body, and I knew there was probably going to be blood in my ballet shoes tonight. My feet hated me right now, as I was practically murdering my toes.

“It’s your first recital since the accident, Araya. I want you to do your very best. You’re the new girl and everyone’s eyes will be on you. Some of school board isn’t exactly happy with the way you got into this school. So we need to prove to them that you have every right to be here.”

“But you’re on the board.”

“I said some.”

My lips twitched with a smile, but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. My body still hurt and it was, after all, all her fault.

Sure, I was bitching and complaining now, but Violet, her unofficial name, was actually my favorite teacher here. She was the only one who hadn’t shunned me the moment I stepped into this school. I wasn’t used to being disliked for no apparent reason. Except for Nina. But in my defense, I hadn’t realized she hated me since birth.

Other than Makayla and Pierce, everyone avoided me like the plague. When I’d asked Makayla why, her advice was to screw them all. That was easier said than done, but at least being blind made it easier to ignore.

“Since when does this school not jump at the opportunity to take perfectly good blood money?”

“Blood money?” She smirked.

“Might as well be.” I grumbled. “This was practically a shotgun acceptance.”

“Well, it’s not the money, honey.” Her smooth southern accent dominated her words. “It’s that you don’t come from money. This school is as bad as a small town. It didn’t take long for word to get out of who you are and why you’re here.”

I wanted to die. “So everyone knows about my aunt? What they... did? Or tried to do, anyway.”

“Everyone has skeletons, honey. You’re just not as good at hiding them.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” I grumbled.

How was I supposed to start a new life if I was going to be judged by my old one? There was no telling what people were saying about me. I winced at the thought. No wonder Mak never wanted to talk about it. I loved her even more for the fact that she never asked and she didn’t care.

“Don’t think all this talk has distracted me from what you’re supposed to be doing,” she announced.

“You mean dying a very slow, very tortured death?”

“It’s been longer than five minutes.”

“I’m still waiting on my water! Besides, how can I practice anymore without Pierce here?”

“Fine! Get a drink. I don’t need another incident like the last time.”

I frowned. I was only ninety-eight percent sure she was joking, but that didn’t stop me from scurrying past her toward the table to retrieve my water bottle.

The dance studio was huge and very well lit, not only by natural sunlight, but artificial as well. Not everyone at Madison Academy was one hundred percent blind so the light helped those of us who could distinguish light from dark shadows to figure out where we were going. There were only two girls in my dance class that were fully blind, and to say that I was somewhat mesmerized by them was an understatement. They were inspiring and one of the main reasons I was letting Violet run me into the ground.

“Sorry I’m late!” Pierce said, filling the silence with his deep voice.

“You should be!” Violet scolded. However, it was all for show because she thought Pierce walked on water.

“Your disapproval kills me, Violet!” Pierce walked behind me, pulling on my skirt playfully. “Hey there, Araya.”

“You should be apologizing to me for being late,” I whispered under my breath so only he could hear. “I’m the one who isn’t going to have any toes left when we’re done here.”

“Let me make it up to you. Dinner. My treat.”

I smiled politely at him. It was always his treat. Pierce was a nice guy. Who was I kidding? He was beyond nice. Next to Ryland, he was the sweetest, kindest guy I’d met, but he wasn’t Ryland. Not even close. He was always asking me to dinner or lunch and sometimes even breakfast. I wasn’t sure if he was interested in me or just really friendly and always hungry since he never wanted to do anything else. I still wasn’t any better at figuring guys out.

I stayed on the safe side of our friendship and always had an excuse for why I couldn’t go alone or at all. So Mak spent a lot of time playing Switzerland. If it bothered him, I was unaware of it all.

“I’ll see what Mak’s doing.” It was my go-to line.

“Sounds like a plan,” he responded cheerfully and was off to soothe Violet’s ruffled feathers.

Again, I had no idea if he was bothered or not, but I didn’t spend too much time dwelling on it. Pierce was easygoing. He split his time between being a physical aid for the newer students and dancing in Violet’s class. He was an amazing dancer and Violet said she’s never seen two people more fit to dance together in her entire career.

There were only a few seeing instructors at Madison Academy, Pierce and Violet being two of them.

Most of the students who attended Madison were graduates from Madison Academy’s sister school, Aurora Hall. Students who were newly blind or born blind attended there first. They learned everything there was to know about handling and living with their blindness, and when they were ready to move on and be on their own, they came to Madison.

Arriving at MA had been pretty intimidating, but Pierce made it easier for me. I was so far behind with my development compared to the rest of the student body here. I knew how to survive in that tiny apartment, but in a school the size of MA, it was a whole other world and I quickly realized how little I actually knew.

“Time’s up, Araya,” Violet announced.

Lifting the bottle to my mouth, I squeezed out the remains of the water, nearly drowning myself. Then I made my way back to Violet and Pierce.

“I’m all yours.”

Pierce put his hands on his hips and Violet crossed her arms over her chest.

“Dangerous words, Araya,” Pierce said mischievously.

It turns out that’s exactly what they ended up being. Violet kept Peirce and me prisoner there for two more hours. It was tough. Probably one of the hardest rehearsals I ever remembered having, but holy geez if I didn’t love every minute of it.

Losing myself in the moves and music was a sweet release of reality. It didn’t matter how tired I was, how sweaty I got, or how badly my feet ached; I danced my freaking heart out because I didn’t know how to do anything better than this.

When we were finished, Violet said her goodnight, but not before she reminded us we were back again the day after next and she would see me tomorrow for my regular class. I pretended to be sullen and sarcastically overjoyed. If she knew how much I loved my time with her, she’d probably make me regret it.

“Come on, I’ll walk you back to your dorm,” Pierce beckoned, turning off the studio lights.

A deep darkness was all I could see as Pierce pulled me against him, leading us through the halls of the dance building. Everyone had gone for the day and the halls were empty and quiet.

Classes ended at five every day and final bell was at five fifteen. It’d been at least two hours since I remembered hearing the bell. They had bells for everything around here, including chimes that went off every hour inside every room and building.

“How are you feeling?” Pierce asked.

“I feel like a baby deer trying to walk for the first time.” I complained.

Despite how happy I was earlier, I couldn’t ignore the fast, deep ache that crawled up my legs and down my arms. I was definitely pushed to my limits today, and with my first recital coming up, I didn’t expect Violet to take it easy on me because of sore muscles.

When we reached the entrance, Pierce stepped in front of me to open the double doors. The sun had gone down and a slight chill had taken over the air. I shivered as it robbed the warmth of my skin. I pulled the thin, pink hoodie tighter around me and wished I’d brought something a little thicker when I left this morning.

“Here,” Pierce said, and before I could protest, he wrapped his jacket around me.

“Now you’ll be cold.”

“I’m good. I live for this kind of weather.”

“Thank you,” I said, not wanting to push the issue because I was already starting to warm up.

I didn’t even notice the wind through my leggings, as I couldn’t feel my legs anyway.

“No worries,” he whispered, and I realized how close he was.

Of course the wind had impeccable timing and whipped my hair across my face. Before I could move it away, Pierce’s fingers were sliding along the curve of my face, freeing it from the messy strands.

“Here,” he said, tugging on the collar of my jacket, and I realized he was pulling my hoodie free. He secured my hair in place behind my ears and then pulled the hood over my head. “Much better.”

I was aware that his fingers still lingered against my neck, and I sucked in a much-needed breath and took a step back. If I was still unsure about Pierce’s feelings, it was all cleared up now.

“I’m sorry. I...”

I twisted my hands nervously together as I tried to figure out where to go from there.

“I’m not very good at the whole dating thing,” I confessed, buying me some time.

He took a step toward me and I was trapped between him and the door. “It’s okay,” he said. “I’m not a pro either.”

I laughed and then asked, “Have you ever been out with a blind girl before?”

“Does that matter? I like you, Araya. I don’t care if you’re blind, deaf, orange, eat sardines, or use Makayla as a safety divider. Bring her along if it means you’ll go out with me.”

His words gave me butterflies, and I found myself smiling. But the feeling didn’t last long and my guilt chased away the butterflies.

“I wish it was that easy, Pierce... but I’m confused about a lot things and I don’t think it would be fair to you until I’ve figured them all out.”

“Confused about things? That’s usually code for there is another guy involved.”

“Yes.”

“Lucky bastard.” He joked. “Well, if you figure it out and it works out in my favor, will you promise that I’m the first one to know?”

I smiled and nodded. “Yes.”

“Say you promise or it doesn’t count, and I really need it to count, Araya.”

“Yes. I promise, Pierce.”

“Music to my ears. Can I walk you back to your apartment?”

“Well-”

“I’m sorry,” he interrupted and took my hand in his. “I didn’t mean for that to come out as a question.”

I tried not to think about things as we walked toward my building because I couldn’t control the slow downward spiral I descended every time I thought of Ryland and if I was going to fall apart, I wanted to do that alone. It was too hard not knowing the unknown and I had too many questions. If I didn’t know, I couldn’t be wrong, right?

After my awkward moment with Pierce, which seemed to only affect me, he dropped me off in front of my studio apartment. There were four live-on campuses for MA and they were for the elite only. Except for me. I was their- I guess so, if we have to student.

“Your stop,” he said and slowed in front of my building. I searched my bag for my keycard and pulled it out.

“Thank you for walking me.”

It was useless to continue to tell him he didn’t have to walk me across campus. It fell on deaf ears every time.

“You’re welcome. If you’re still feeling sore later, make sure to soak in some hot water. It’ll help.”

“I will. Try not to be late again. I’d like to get out of there in one piece next time.”

He laughed and it made me smile. “You can deny it all you want, but I know you love the torture. I can see it all over your face when you dance.”

I blushed, wondering how much I missed during our rehearsals. “Dancing is in my blood,” I whispered.

“Well, you’re damn good at it.”

“You’re not so bad yourself. Goodnight, Pierce.”

“Night, A.”

He never asked to walk me to my door, and I liked that. He knew how important it was for me to do things on my own.

I thought of Ryland again and I felt awful. I had no right to place any judgment on him. Pierce dealt with others like me all the time. It was his job to know how to treat us, and Ryland had done the best he could. I knew that and I loved him for it.

I knew this hall like the back of my hand and I didn’t even need to count my steps anymore. I was almost to my door when I heard another open and laughter echoed off the hall walls. I recognized the sound and instantly wished time had been on my side.

I probably could have snuck past without them even knowing I was there, but I knew it was too late when I heard the laughter stop and something hit my foot. There was an intake of breath and a small noise of resignation.

“Hey, Araya,” Emily said with no hint of doubt in her greeting. “Where have you been all afternoon?”

“I was with Violet and Pierce, rehearsing.” I stared off longingly toward my apartment door.

“Ooohhh, you’re so lucky!” Elise, Emily’s twin sister, squealed.

They were both blind—a birth defect, but not a life sentence, they told everyone. Their blindness wasn’t a crutch they needed to lean on. They embraced it, seeing advantages no one else could, and I envied them for that.

“Pierce is dreamy.” She sighed.

Elise had a huge crush on Pierce, and it obviously had nothing to do with his looks. Pierce had that effect on all the girls had MA, but as far as I knew, he’d never dated anyone here and that only made him more of a catch. I wasn’t about to tell her or anyone else the conversation I’d had with him earlier.

“Well, the only thing I’m jealous about is that you’re going to be in the recital and I’m not.” Emily pouted, but I knew deep down she wasn’t really upset about it.

“It should be you.” I agreed.

I don’t know how I’d gotten picked over Emily. According to Violet, Emily was an amazing dancer. Not that she didn’t think I was, but Emily had been here longer, and performing for this recital was a huge thing for MA. I was relieved that Emily didn’t hold their decision against me.

“There’s always next year, Em. You’ll get it for sure!”

I smiled at Elisa’s comforting words for her sister and added that to my list of envies. It made me miss my mom and wish she was here to see how far I’ve come and comfort me when I needed it.

“Thanks, Elisa. Araya will kick ass though, won’t you?”

“I hope so.”

“Be confident. You got this.”

I smiled. “Thanks, Emily.”

“So do you have any plans tonight? A group of us is going over to Pete’s. They’re doing karaoke and we have a bet going with the boys.”

Pete’s was a small pub down the street that all the kids from MA hung out at. Each night they did something different and tonight was karaoke. Most of the kids who went knew the songs by heart since they couldn’t read the screens. I had yet to go and even though it sounded like fun, I wasn’t in the mood to go out.

“I think I’m just going to stay in tonight, but thanks, girls!”

“Is there something in that room of yours we don’t know about, Araya? You sure do spend a lot of time in there—ouch!” Elise wined.

“Hush, El. Leave Araya alone. Maybe next time?”

“Yes. After the recital for sure. Have fun!”

I walked away quickly before I was stopped by anyone else and slipped into my room. Leaning my head against the door, I sighed, thankful to be alone.

“Don’t feel too relieved just yet.”

I bit my tongue I jumped so hard at the sound of her voice, and my eyes watered over from the pain. I coughed as my scream erupted in my throat and burned the soft lining.

“Holy fudge! You scared me!”

“Did you pee?”

I frowned. “What?”

“Did you pee?”

“Nooooo.”

“Then I didn’t scare you that bad. When you pee, then I’ll feel bad.”

“Your logic is undeniable,” I quoted sarcastically.

“You know it, Will.”

I smiled thinking of our Will Smith movie marathon the other night. People thought it was weird that I sat and watched movies, but I still liked hearing them.

“Well, I almost bit my tongue off,” I said, rubbing the tip of it against the roof of my mouth and throwing my bag on the floor.

“Well, almost isn’t bitten off. So you’re good.”

I sat down next to her. “How do you keep getting in here?”

“I had a key made,” she said nonchalantly.

I rolled my head toward her. “What? When?”

“When we went and got your tree stuff, which by the way, you have yet to put up, and I get why you say fudge, I do, but once in a while it’s okay to say fuck. Sometimes you just need to say fuck.”

“Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live in your head.”

It amazed me at how many things she could talk about and focus on at all times.

“Crowded and kind of like being on a nude beach.”

“I don’t know how to respond to you sometimes.”

“I want to hear you say it.”

“Say what?”

“Fuck.”

“You’re insane. I’m getting something to drink and maybe some fudge.” I teased.

I went to get up, but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back down.

“Say it or I’ll lick you!”

“You wouldn’t!”

“Oh, I would, and I think you know I will. Say it!” she demanded.

“No!”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

And then it happened—she licked the side of my face. Then she got up from the couch and walked off as if nothing happened.

“What kind of juice do you want?” she said as if her tongue hadn’t just swept across my cheek.

“I hope you like the way sweat tastes,” I yelled, wiping my cheek.

“If could have been worse.”

“Or you could have not done it at all.”

“Or you could have said fuck.”

I watched as her silhouette made its way toward me again and her hand extended. I took the juice from her.

“I was calling your bluff.”

“Know who you’re dealing with, Araya.”

I smiled because she was totally crazy, but that’s what I loved about her. She wasn’t predictable. She made me laugh and honestly, she reminded me a lot of my mom, and it gave me a piece of home.

“Go take a shower. I’m going to get some food and then we’re going to put together that damn tree.”

Twenty minutes later, I stood under the hot spray of water as it coated my body in goose bumps. It felt so good; I could have stayed there until the water no longer offered its comfort.

I welcomed Makayla’s company because she helped keep my mind occupied.

Not that it worked a hundred percent. He was always there, somewhere in the back of my mind, consuming me and pulling me under. I tried to focus as much as I could on school and dancing until I had no energy to think about anything else. And on good days, I could get through them without thinking about Ryland every minute, but he was always there.

His voice taunted me during the day. At least once every day I would think I heard him calling my name through the halls. It was a cruel joke when I was surrounded by shadows. He lived in my dreams, and most nights I couldn’t wait to close my eyes so he’d be there. My body ached for his touch, and more than once, I felt the phantom caress of his fingers over my skin.

I’d lost count of the nights I’d awoken gasping for one more breath and my body trembling, reaching for him, only to remember he wasn’t really there. The pain was soul crushing and I’d end up crying until I thought I’d never stop. And I knew I was never going be okay again.

I knew I asked for this. New surroundings, new people, a new life... but moving on was impossible when my heart wasn’t on my side, and I was starting to wonder if you truly loved someone, can you ever really move on?

The water was no longer scorching my skin, and I knew it was time to get out. Finishing up, I was quick to get dressed and turn up the heat in my small apartment. I actually didn’t mind the size at all. I liked that it was similar to what I was used to.

I washed my morning dishes and snacked on crackers while I waited for Mak to come back.

I had a nice routine going, and I was proving to myself that living on my own wasn’t only something I could do on my own, it was something I could do well. I needed to prove to Ryland, or I felt like I’d needed to prove to him that I could do this. My reasons felt valid, but now I was wondering if maybe... maybe I needed him more.

“Sure, you break in when I’m not here, but when I am, you knock?” I yelled through the closed door.

I pulled the door open, expecting Mak to come sweeping in, but that didn’t happen. I could see their shadow so I knew someone was there, but I was having second thoughts about opening my door without making sure who was there.

“You normally have people breaking and entering?”

I sighed, instantly feeling better. “Only Mak. She doesn’t believe in locks or the law.”

Pierced laughed. “That doesn’t surprise me. Well, I come bearing gifts.” I must have made a face because he laughed again. “I’m guessing Mak didn’t tell you...”

“Tell me what?”

“I guess I’m crashing your party. She invited me to come hang out. I hope you don’t mind.”

I smiled. “I don’t mind. I just hope you don’t get bored. We’re putting up my very first Christmas tree since four years ago.”

“Sounds like fun.”

I like that he didn’t make me awkwardly explain why I hadn’t had one in so long.

“We got Chinese.”

And that’s all it took for everything to come crashing down around me. One stupid word, and the memory of that night was a pressure building in my chest until I couldn’t breathe. I stood there feeling hot and cold, like my body was being ripped in two.

“Nothing lasts forever, Ryland.”

“Damn it, let me be your nothing, Araya.”

No! The word echoed inside my head and my ears rang at the sound of my protest. I couldn’t keep reliving that night over and over. I knew it by heart now, and it was a nightmare that replayed over and over and it broke me every time. I didn’t want to move on from Ryland, but I knew this wasn’t helping me either. I felt like I was destined to float through limbo until I learned how not to miss him so much.

“Are you okay?” Pierce asked, touching my arm.

I shook myself from my thoughts and forced a smile. “I’m fine.”

I wasn’t. I was actually far from fine, but no one else needed to know that. Minutes later, Mak came bouncing through my room with a pizza and pizza boy’s number.

“I thought we were eating Chinese?” I asked, confused.

“It’s all about variety, A. It’s what makes the world go ‘round.”

“You stole someone’s pizza, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t steal anything. He gave it to me.” She insisted. “And I gave him my phone number.”

Peirce and I laughed. It was easy to be distracted by the two of them.

We ate and then I helped Peirce put together the tree while Mak unwrapped the silver and red ornaments. For the next hour, we decorated the tree while Mak entertained us with childhood Christmas stories.

I loved hearing about her family and her brothers and sisters. It took my mind off things, but not completely. Never fully completely. And as I sat there listening to Pierce and Mak trade old family war stories, my thoughts remained with Ryland.

Walking up to the door, I took a deep breath, and lifted my hand to knock. Every second that I’d been away from Araya came crashing down on me like a cold shower of reality. I had attempted this once already, and I’d found that she was happier than I thought she would be. What if I’d waited too long to come back for her?

Just the thought was enough to bring me to my knees, so I pushed it away and took a deep, nauseating breath and knocked hard on the door. I’d been able to hear the music on the other side, and I listened now as it faded into nothing.

I took a step back when the door was flung open with way too much force to match the person on the other side. A small brunette stood in the doorway, with flushed cheeks and her hair in a high ponytail. She was out of breath like she’d been belting it out with the radio or dancing or maybe both.

She held the door with one hand and leaned her body into the edge of it. She was wearing a tank top that hung mid-thigh, and I didn’t linger long enough to see if she wore anything underneath. Her hot-pink fuzzy slippers were my safety zone. She smacked loudly on a piece of red licorice and eyeballed me curiously.

“Can I help you?” she asked, amused.

I did a double take on the room number before clearing my throat. I was surprised by a couple of things: the fact that she could see me for one, and two, that she wasn’t Araya. I opened my mouth to speak, but I’d taken too long and missed my chance because she was talking again.

“Yes,” was all she said and then she smiled like she’d just learned a secret.

“Huh?” I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling like I’d missed something important.

“Yes, I’ll go out with you.. That is why you’re here, right?” Again, her smile was all-knowing.

“Why do you assume everyone who knocks on our door is here to ask you out?”

The brunette’s smile widened as she watched me, but I was no longer interested in figuring her out. I heard her voice float in from the background, and my heart skipped as I tried to look around the brunette.

She was standing in the back of the room with her back to me. She wore the same high ponytail as the brunette. Her shirt was designed to be wide around the shoulders and it hung off one and flared around her middle. Her jean shorts were faded and frayed around the edges. I followed the curves of her long legs down to her bare feet.

She hadn’t even turned around yet and she already looked so much different. She was curvier, leaner. Her hair was longer and darker. She even sounded different— happier, settled—and that made my nerves knot. I wanted to walk up to her and spin her around, and then I would decide if I wanted to kiss her first or pick her up and take her away.

“Maybe I did speak too soon. I think he’s here for you, Araya.”

At the sound of her name, I looked at the brunette again. She studied me intensely, and I couldn’t figure out if she was making fun of me or not. But then Araya spoke and I completely forgot the brunette was even there.

“For me? I don’t—” She turned around and her sentence came to an abrupt halt.

She swallowed hard and her body didn’t waste any time singing for me. I smiled because she took my breath away, and I felt like I was going to explode from the fact that I’d taken hers too. It took a second for my brain to catch up to what my eyes had already figured out, and I frowned.

I had to be seeing things, right? There was no way she... but it was useless trying to fight what I could plainly see. She was staring at me like she’d seen a ghost. No, she was staring at me like she could see... me. My frown deepened and I took a step into the room.

“How...?” I couldn’t even finish.

She could see me. There was no mistaking that. It was in the way she looked at me now, and I would never forget the way she looked seeing me for the first time. It was etched into my head forever.

“Ryland,” she said softly, and hearing my name on her lips was my undoing. I was across the room in half a second.

My hand was around the back of her neck and she was in my arms before she could fully register what was happening. I had so many questions and I wanted answers to all of them, but not before I got to feel her soft lips against mine. I wanted to feel her desperate sighs and her body melting into mine. I wanted to be her undoing. And then I would get my answers.

I pulled her up to me and she was so close I could feel her breath across my lips. It was sweet, minty. It was Araya. And I missed her too damn much to wait another second to have her.

“Araya?”

And just like that, I missed my chance, and she was pulling away from me to look at the open door.

“What’s going on?” he asked, but I’d yet to look away from Araya to look at him.

I felt like everything was suddenly moving in slow motion and if I looked away from her toward the voice I had instantly associated with pure hate, I’d lose her forever.

She turned back to me again. Her eyes were polluted with an apology I didn’t want to see, and I became angry. I knew what she was saying, and this was my worst nightmare. I knew what was going on now and I couldn’t stop it from happening. From playing out the way it did every time.

It was pure torture knowing she was right here and I couldn’t have her. I expected the worst and now it was happening.

I was flooded with a rage so hot it burned every inch of my body. Fear scorched the edges of my rage and everything started to grow dark around me. I gripped her arms painfully tight, desperate to hold on to her. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to despise ever meeting her, falling in love with her, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Not even a little bit.

My vision became blurred and I panicked, trying to memorize every last detail of her face. I didn’t want to forget one freckle, one dimple. Rough hands pulled at me, trying to drag me away from her, and I fought against them as hard as I could, yanking her with me like a ragdoll.

I felt like I was trying to escape from quicksand and my strength was rendered useless. It was getting darker and fuzzier, and I tried to shake it off, but I was losing her. I was losing a part of myself.

“I told you to stay away from her, son.” J.D.’s sinister voice was behind me, and I tried to reach around to fight him, but I couldn’t. “Now you’ll never. See. Her. Again.”

Everything went dark and I couldn’t see her anymore.

“NO!”

I shot up in bed, gasping as I tried to pull the gift of oxygen through my body. My chest rose and fell, heavy with the weight of my nightmare. Throwing my legs over the edge of the mattress, I lowered my head between my knees, sucking in what air I could. I felt like the walls of my bedroom were closing in on me, suffocating me, and I needed to get out of here.

I was lightheaded and dizzy as I stumbled into the bathroom. Turning on the light, I fell against the sink, letting my head hang over it. I turned on the tap and let the cold water run over my entire head and over the back of my neck.

It trickled down the sides of my face and into my mouth. I blew out, spitting water everywhere. The icy liquid bit at my skin, but it washed away the remains of the dream, so I stayed there longer.

When I couldn’t feel anything anymore, I reached for the faucet and turned off the water, letting myself drip dry for a few seconds. I grabbed a towel from the rack beside me and covered my face. Standing up, I stretched and the water from my hair trickled down my back. Running the towel quickly through my hair, I threw it into the sink and hit the light.

Stopping by the kitchen first, I filled a glass with filtered water, gulping it down as I made my way back to my room. I lay down on my bed and kicked the blankets down toward the end of the bed. Looking up, I stared at the ceiling fan until all I could hear was the whizzing of the blades as they spun furiously.

It was the same nightmare for the last month, and every night I woke up the same way- in a cold sweat, gasping for air, and blinking away the darkness. I could handle the going blind part. Even the part where J.D. shows up. What I couldn’t handle was his voice and being ripped away from Araya. Once it got to that point, every part of my being knew it was a dream, but no matter how hard I tried to wake myself, I couldn’t do it. So I suffered through it until I woke feeling like the life was being sucked from me.

I didn’t know anything about dreams or the deeper hidden meaning behind them, but this dream was fucked up in the most dark, sinister way possible.

I struggled to breathe. Struggled to do the simplest thing- survive. But most of all, I struggled to live without her.

“Shit!” I growled, skidding to a stop, and my head fell back as I inhaled deeply.

My heart hammered against the inside of my chest and beads of sweat made several paths down my torso. I gripped the indents of my hips and grimaced at the pain I was putting my body through. I was running off three hours of sleep and my body wasn’t happy with me.

My lungs were still getting used to my new habit and they expanded painfully. Running my fingers through my damp hair, I inhaled slowly this time. I looked back at the path toward my apartment and debated on whether or not I wanted to go around one more time.

“Screw it.” I took off in the same direction and ignored the twisting in my calves.

I ran now.

I pushed my body harder than I needed to, but it was worth it because I’d rather feel the burning in my legs and lungs than the one in my head and chest when I thought about her. She was always under the surface of my every thought, so I pushed harder until her image faded and the only thing I could focus on was the fact that I was probably going to kill myself running.

Sebastian thought my time could be put to better use by getting laid every chance I got. I stopped trying to explain to him why that wasn’t an option I wanted or needed. He thought I was an idiot. He probably didn’t want to know what I thought he was.

So I was a runner now. I ran from everything.

Fuck, I just ran past my damn turn again.

Third time’s a charm could kiss my ass. I swore now too because sometimes saying fudge just didn’t feel as good as saying fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I didn’t feel like going around again, so I turned to walk toward my turnoff.

Fucking great, I thought grimly and came to a halt.

“Hey there, little brother,” Sebastian drawled, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

“What’s wrong with your eyes?” I asked, annoyed, and he gave me a look that told me to go to hell. “Gladly,” I said dryly and attempted to sidestep him.

He stepped in front of me. “You remember Kayla?” He pushed the small brunette in front of me like she was some kind of sacrifice and she nearly tripped.

It should have been instinct to grab her by the arms to keep her from falling, but standing immobile was just my way of avoiding her touch. Somehow she found a way around my carefully executed attempt and her palms pressed into my bare stomach. She looked up at me through her lashes and smiled sweetly.

“Oops,” she said as if she hadn’t just been pushed in front of me.

“My brother’s an asshole.” I was in no mood for their games and their not- so- subtle decision, to tag team me.

“Do assholes bring their brothers pretty girls like Kayla?”

Yes. Yes, they do. I looked down at Kayla, who was still flexing her fingers on my stomach. She giggled but didn’t move them. I looked up at Sebastian murderously, but he just smirked and shrugged his shoulders.

“I think you’ll be okay to stand now,” I said, removing her hands by her wrists.

“Kayla was hoping you’d run with her.”

“Does Kayla know how to talk for herself?” I asked, annoyed.

She caught on and giggled again. “Sebastian said you might be interested in running with me.” Her head tilted toward the side, but no matter how hard she tried, I wasn’t interested in doing anything with her.

“Sebastian was wrong, Kayla. I’m going back to the apartment.”

Sebastian glared. “I’m going to head back with him, darlin’.” He winked at her and all was forgotten.

I didn’t bother to watch Kayla run off, but Sebastian stood there staring at her like his life depended on it.

“Since when do you run?” I hitched my chin toward the path.

“Since girls who look like that run too. Is that why you run naked?”

I rolled my eyes. Sebastian didn’t look away until the random chick was out of his line of gawking.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” he demanded, and I stood there staring at him blankly. “You could be back at the apartment right now, holding on to that sweet little thing while she-”

“Save it, Sebastian,” I snapped, walking away from him.

He jogged to catch up to me. “You’ve got to get over the blind girl, little brother. She was too good for us.”

I stopped suddenly and Sebastian walked past me before turning to look at me.

“Us?”

He rolled his eyes and brushed me off. “You know what I meant.” He turned and kept walking.

“That better be all you meant.” I stalked past him.

“Or what? You’ll be an even bigger dick? You don’t scare me, Ryland,” he yelled after me.

I turned, walking backward. “I’d believe that if you didn’t sound like you were trying to convince yourself more than you’re trying to convince me.”

Without waiting for a reply, I turned down the right path and jogged home. Third time was a charm.

My current routine had become a catatonic joke. I was like a robot.

I existed, but I wasn’t existing. If that made any sense at all.

I woke up, got ready for work, spent the entire day at J.D.’s office, and then came home just to do it all over again tomorrow. I knew where Araya was, I could’ve quit anytime I wanted, but I wasn’t completely certain I wouldn’t have gone crazy waiting for Araya to need me again.

I wiped the moisture from the bathroom mirror and wrapped a towel securely around my hips. I preferred to be naked. But Sebastian was a pain in the ass and didn’t believe in knocking. Or being considerate in general. I couldn’t really complain about the fact that he managed to get on my every damn nerve, though. I was still living here.

As if he could read my thoughts, the bathroom door flung open, stopping short and catching against my arm.

“Mother...” I hissed, and Sebastian shoved his head through the small opening.

“Oh, you’re in here.”

“What gave you your fucking first clue, Sherlock?”

He grinned. “Alert the media. You’re not a morning person.”

“Get the hell out of here, Sebastian,” I growled, shoving the door closed on him.

“Ouch! Chill out, Ryland.”

He slipped out of the bathroom with all his body parts intact. This time.

And that was what I dealt with on a daily basis. I could move out anytime I wanted, but I was being lazy. And more secretly, a bigger part of me still expected to open the door and find Araya waiting for me on the other side.

I hated how fucking lost I was without her.

Running my hands down my face, I pushed away my thoughts and half-assed got ready for work. I knew I was going to get shit from her for not shaving yet again, but I found it easy to literally ignore everyone these days. Besides, the facial hair gave me what conviction I needed to back up my brooding mood. I ran my fingers through my hair with all intents of doing absolutely nothing else to it. I found it easier to be lazy when I cared not at all.

Leaning on the sink, I took in how pitiful I actually looked. The mirror was smudged with condensation, but there was no mistaking the dark circles under my eyes. They made me look overworked and under-rested, which was half true. Running kept my skin tanned, and that was the only thing that kept me from going into full-on zombie mode.

I could hear the clatter coming from the kitchen. Sebastian was a walking disaster all on his own, with the ability to walk around like a car alarm going off every five minutes. It was his own fault that everything he did was like nails on a chalkboard, and it was time he got a taste of his own medicine. With the first hint of a smile in months, I threw my towel into the sink and opened the bathroom door.

Leftover steam spilled into the hallway as I made my way to my room and roughly towel dried the back of my hair.

“Ryland! Dude! What the fuck? Put some damn clothes on!”

Flipping him off, I walked into my bedroom and shut the door.

“Are you going to shave anytime soon?” Careless asked in semi-disgust as she half threw a file on my desk.

I was busy slamming away on my keyboard, giving her none of my attention- as in, I didn’t look at her or even acknowledge what she just put down for me to read over and sign off.

My mornings were spent signing off on international shipping form after shipping form, taking conference calls J.D. deemed not worthy of his own time, and typing up progress reports I couldn’t care less about. I despised this fucking job.

“Are you going to quit anytime soon?” I asked and glared up at her.

She returned my glare and put her hand on her hip. It was weird seeing her dressed like one of J.D.’s minions. She may play the part well, but she definitely didn’t look it. Her pressed black skirt was long enough to piss her off but short enough to piss off J.D. Her white dress shirt was un-tucked but wrinkle free. It was nearly see- through and J.D. had already made three comments this morning on her choice of colorful undergarments.

“Look,” I started, turning in my chair and clasping my hands behind my head. “I’ll shave when you quit. I dare you.”

“That taunt doesn’t work on me anymore. You know why I’m here and that means you know why I won’t quit.”

I’d been working with J.D. for a month and a half when Careless had planted the idea in J.D.’s head that she was needed here when she really wasn’t. It grew like a forest fire and Careless insisted she could help me better if she were inside enemy territory. After that, it was useless trying to convince her otherwise. No matter how hurtful I’d been, she hadn’t budged.

“What’s going on?” I asked when I entered J.D.’s study and found Careless sitting in front of his desk.

She didn’t bother to turn around, and that made me even more suspicious that I really wasn’t going to like what they were about to tell me.

“Ahh, there you are. We’ve been waiting. Sit down.”

I stood behind Careless, not making a move to follow J.D.’s commands.

“Suit yourself. Cara and I were talking and she thinks it’s about time she starts taking some interest in the family business.”

“And you agree?”

“It’s always been my dream to have my children a part of the empire I’ve built.”

“Even after they’ve tried to con you out of half a million dollars?”

“She knows she was wrong and she knows that she will never be smart enough to trick me.”

I watched Careless’s fingers curl around her chair and her knuckles turned white. She hated submitting to my father, even if it was all pretend.

“No,” I said firmly.

J.D.’s eyebrows lifted. “No?”

“No. That wasn’t part of the deal. I don’t want to be around her. I don’t want anything to do with her.”

Her back stiffened at my harsh words, and I couldn’t help but hope they hurt her as much as she hurt me.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Ryland—”

“Bullshit.”

“But she is coming to work with us. You’ll learn to deal... or else.”

If he had anything else to say on the matter, I didn’t bother to stick around to hear it. When I was halfway down the hall, I heard Careless calling after me.

“I know you hear me.”

“Actually, I’m pretending I can’t. Go away.”

“You need me there, Ryland. I can help!”

“I don’t need your kind of help, dear sister. Just leave me the hell alone. I can’t help that I’m forced to see you every day, but listen closely. I don’t want or need your help. I’m done with you.

When we were kids, Careless had wanted to tag along with Sebastian and me to the mall. Of course we said no. No way in hell did we want to drag our little sister with us, but Careless was determined and she stood there, arms crossed, eyes narrowed, and held her breath until she turned fifty shades of purple. Scared the shit out of us, and needless to say, we gave in to her. Although, Sebastian had been all in for seeing how long she could hold her breath. Nothing had changed.

“You forget I didn’t ask you to work here. I didn’t want you to work here. And I still don’t want you to work here.”

I hadn’t decided yet if it was all her fault that I was this miserable. Honestly, I blamed everyone. It was everyone’s fault. Including Gary, the mail pusher. Why? Because for some ungodly reason, he smelled like BBQ chips. All. The. Damn. Time. And I was torn between wanting to tell him to go take a shower and grabbing his hands and sniffing them. I was a sicko now too. The smallest things also made me think of her and I didn’t like thinking of her. Okay, that was a lie. I fucking loved it. It was the sweetest kind of torture.

I missed everything about it her. I missed her so much it ached. It never went away and I carried around this pain everywhere. It was rooted in everything I was and it ate me up from the inside out. It made me darker, angrier, until I felt like a completely different person, until I was living in my own kind of darkness.

“But you need my help!” Careless insisted, bringing me out of my slow descent.

I leaned forward into my desk and dropped my voice. “I already know where she is, Careless. You’re useless to me.<

Date: 2015-01-11; view: 862