Fall From Grace Author:Christine Zolendz

Fall From Grace by Christine Zolendz

Chapter 1

What woke me was the insistent beep-beep-beep of the little machine that was monitoring his dying heart. I opened my eyes slowly, and as always, he lay there watching me.

I got up from where I was sitting and leaned in close to him, placing my hand on his cheek. ?Let go. I understand.?

He struggled for breath and mumbled something I couldn?t hear. I smiled anyway. ?Go, Jake. I?ll be fine, don?t hold on for me.?

A lone tear escaped from his eye and his breathing stilled. The monitors screamed their piercing sirens.

I stepped back as nurses and doctors flooded the room, but I knew it was too late. He was gone and I was completely alone again.

Voices blurred and time seemed to slow down as I made my way towards the hall. God, I don?t belong here anymore. This is my own personal hell.

Someone cut off the horrific screams of the heart monitor and the sudden realization that Jacob was dead shot waves of horror through me. Does life ever get any easier?

For so long, I helplessly watched as a vicious disease sucked the life out of his once strong spirit. Jacob?s trembling hands, and jaundice skin showed his inability to fight the invisible murderous enemy. How much more powerless and insignificant can a person feel when watching someone they love slowly die? I wished each night to take his place, yet I was still standing there and Jacob was gone. I never believed in wishes anyway.

I placed my hand on the doorframe and looked back once. Do not resuscitate. Do not grieve for me when this cancer wins. Do not give me a funeral to remember what killed me. They were calling the time; it was 3:16. The numbers made my frown tighten, or maybe it was just the knowledge that Gabriel would be standing right outside the door.

?Hello, Gabriel,? I whispered, even before I stepped through the doorway. My insides twisted themselves into knots as I stood before him.

?Grace.?

I looked up and tried my best to smile; trying to hold in the tears that I knew would soon flow like a great flood from my eyes. Gabriel was always so beautiful to look at. No matter when or where he showed up, he was perfect. He was leaning against the white walls of the hospital hallway and his perfection made them seem dirty against his bronzed flawless skin.

?What is your plan now, Grace??

?Oh, Gabriel, it?s the same as always. Just keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other. Now, if you would please excuse me, I just lost my brother and I?d like to be alone.? I brushed past him, accidentally touching the edge of his arm, and I shivered.

Gabriel reached out his arm and gently touched my shoulder. ?I?m sorry about your brother, Grace. I?m sorry about all of this.?

I stopped and turned towards him. Even though his voice had sounded full of tenderness, his ice-cold blue eyes held no emotion. ?Thank you, Gabriel. I?m sure that one day, I?ll meet up with him again. After all, we all gotta die sometime, don?t we?? My sarcasm dripped thickly off every word. I couldn?t say what I wanted to. How many times can you say I?m sorry? How many times will I watch death take everyone, leaving me here? How much more can I endure when I?ve endured so much more than others have? How many times have I wished death would come for me? Even in death, I would not be allowed to rest, would I? Sorrow seeped through my veins. This is all I knew; all I?d ever know; an eternity here on earth.

His long elegant fingers brushed up against my cheek. ?I really am sorry about Jacob, Grace. I wish I could do something. I know how special he?s been to you.? For a single nanosecond, or maybe even less, his eyes offered a smoldering glance, as if they were trying to tell me something separate from his blank expression.

He turned to leave, but I felt his halfhearted attempt at being able to do something, hang heavy and linger in the air between us.

?This has nothing to do with Jacob, Gabriel. Yes, my brother is gone now, and I will miss him, but this has to do with my being here, still alone. I?m relieved Jacob is gone. He?s been dying for years with that cancer. No human being should suffer as he did. Being here is excruciating, Gabriel, but I?m still here! So please, do not patronize me. Do not visit every so often, glare at me with those cold dead eyes, and tell me how you wish you could do something, when I know for a fact that you could. Unless you have something to offer me in way of advice or counsel, I?ll be doing what I?ve always done, putting one foot in front of the other and moving on.? My eyes welled up when I turned from him. Of course, I would miss Jacob. Someone like Gabriel would never understand any of these horrible human emotions and all this pain. I just wished it would end; I would just like not to exist in this world anymore or in any world. I just wanted, well, it doesn?t matter what I wanted, did it?

In one quick movement, Gabriel grabbed me and spun me to face him. His stern fatherly expression dissolved into a tender smile. The behavior startled me in such a way that my knees gave out from underneath me. I had never seen Gabriel smile like that. He embraced me in his huge bronze arms and whispered into my ears without saying a word.

?You are the strongest person that I have ever known. You?ve been broken more times than anyone, and yet you keep...I want so much to save you...? His embrace calmed me. I slowly pushed myself off and out of his arms, trying to distance myself from him.

The tenderness was gone and the stern father figure was standing before me as if that little slip in time of encouragement and tenderness never happened.

?Thank you, Gabriel.? And, that?s where I left him. Standing in a hospital hallway, in the middle of nowhere, thinking that I was the strongest person he?d known. As if, I had a choice in that.

Chapter 2

I kept walking until I found myself standing in the middle of the hospice parking lot, but I couldn?t remember where my Jeep was. I couldn?t remember the last time I was outside of the hospice walls. The rays of the sun felt as if they were assaulting me for hiding for so long. Rummaging in my pockets for my keys, I wondered if I should go back inside to the room they had given Jacob to get my belongings.

Clicking the alarm on the keys helped me find my Jeep, and after climbing in, I sat heavily into the driver?s seat. I glanced in the backseat where my guitar case was propped up against the back window. Just whom was I kidding? Everything I owned was in this vehicle. I just needed to leave, so I started the engine.

I peeled out of the parking lot as if my tailpipes were on fire. I had more than 400 miles to cover and I wanted to do it as fast as I possibly could. Heading straight to the I-90 New York State Thruway, I stepped on the gas as hard as I could.

I placed my phone in the speaker cradle on my dashboard and called Lea hands-free.

?Grace? What?s wrong?? the disembodied voice of my best friend answered.

?Jake?s gone, so I?m coming back. My room still empty??

?Oh, Gray.? Her pet name for me touched my heart. ?Of course, it?s empty. I don?t even know what to say. Jake was...?

?Please don?t. It?s over and he?s not in any more pain. I?ll be back sometime tonight.?

?Conner and I are going to watch his friend?s band play later. Text me when you get in and I?ll message you the address, in case you feel up to going out.? Oh Lea, you?re so used to my stoic episodes. Maybe a night of music and drinking would be the answer to my prayers, or at least it would numb my mind of this harsh life.

?Conner, huh? Sounds like a plan. I?m almost on I-390 now. I?ll see you in a few.?

?Oh man, you?re doing about 90, aren?t you? Don?t kill yourself, please, I know you have a death wish, but I?d like to see you again, and in one piece, please. Besides, I really want you to meet Conner.? Her voice did nothing to hide her feelings for him and it made me smile. Lea was such a beautiful soul. She deserved to find someone who could make her smile.

?I?m not driving anywhere near 90,? I replied. Well, 120 was nowhere near 90 in my mind. ?I can?t wait to meet Conner too.? I clicked off the phone and pushed the Jeep to go even faster. The traffic was uncharacteristically thin and I found myself weaving through cars as if I was invisible. If only I could be invisible, or at least not feel this sad world. If only I didn?t have to be so...human.

In the solace and loneliness of my front seat, while I sped through the world in a blur, my tears fell free. I separated my mind from my body as I always do, and let the sorrow wash over my soul. The sky slowly grew darker as my world tilted itself towards the moon. Great dark clouds assembled above, crowding the heavens and it opened up. Hail pelted my windshield and the rain poured down, matching my mood. All of it was making me feel as if the heavens were mocking me.

I made the seven-hour trip in five hours, crying all the way. At exactly 9:15, I had my few belongings back in the small Manhattan apartment that I began renting with Lea so long ago. I sat down on the big brown couch we bought at a secondhand store downtown and looked around. Everything was the same. It was as if I hadn?t left six months ago and Jake was still kicking pancreatic cancer?s ass. One foot in front of the other, just keep moving forward.

Lea had texted directions to the bar to me, which read, Walk out door. Turn right. Walk around corner. Find big sign that says Boozer?s. Get smashed for Jake.

I walked back to my room and stripped out of my clothes. My shirt had gotten soaked with my tears. I changed into an old comfortable pair of jeans and a small white T-shirt, thinking Lea would complain about how plain I looked. Then, I slipped on a pair of black stilettos that had been left in my closet. I hoped the bar wasn?t too far, because I had a feeling that later on I?d be stumbling home barefoot.

Splashing water on my face in the bathroom was the only thing I did to freshen up. I didn?t even bother looking in the mirror. I grabbed my jacket and ran my fingers through my hair to tame the tangles as I walked out the door. I was never one to care about how I looked on the outside. That wasn?t the real me anyway. Not that I didn?t appreciate the way I looked now, I just didn?t feel it mattered, because how you look doesn?t change what?s in your soul.

Making my way down the street, I found comfort in the busy New York City sounds; the taxis flying through the streets, people talking, laughing, and shouting. Like me, everything felt raw and alive in this city. Raw and still very much alive.

Boozer?s kept an enormously cheesy neon light over its open front doors and the music from inside was drifting out into the street. I was enamored with it before I even walked inside. The front windows were made of small panes of glass that were foggy from the cold February night. Old-fashioned lanterns hung from the old world brick fa?ade, making the building look as if it belonged in a small romantic Tuscany village, and not on a New York City Street.

An enormously chiseled looking man stood inside the opening of the bar and winked at me as I walked in. A bright red STAFF shirt clung to his body as if it was painted on; his expression looked like he wanted me for dinner. Too arrogant. However, that didn?t stop me from wondering if he?d thought I?d be a main course or just an appetizer.

I scanned the crowded room for Lea and spotted her right away. Of course, she was the one dancing on top of the table in a booth near the stage against the wall. Everyone was talking and watching the band play music that was a mix between rock, blues and alternative. Nothing spectacular; average music, and I tuned them out.

I expertly navigated myself through the crowds of people; the sound of the music drowned away from my ears; I barely noticed when they stopped playing. When Lea saw me, she grabbed me in her arms and pulled me up onto the table with her. ?You?re home! Oh God, Gray, I?m so sorry. Come on, talk to me!?

I held her at arm?s length and gave her a small smile. ?There?s nothing to say that hasn?t already been said. Let?s not talk about it, okay??

She took a flying leap off the table and dragged me with her. I almost fell flat on my face, but she thunderously dragged me to a small crowd of guys who were looking at me in confusion.

Lea marched me right up to a tall blond guy. ?Conner! This is my best friend in the whole entire universe. Grace.? She turned her head to me and yelled over the crowd, ?Gray, this is Conner. The One!? Mad giggling ensued and with it came an exact measurement of just how drunk she already was.

Conner, aka The One, arched his eyebrows slightly towards Lea, and then gave me a huge smile. I couldn?t help but smirk at her, sighing inwardly. Yes. The way he looked at Lea, well, most girls would kill for a guy to look at them the way he looked at her. My heart leapt for my friend, because she deserved to find her One, as she called him. I reached my hand out to shake his and instead he grabbed me in a bear hug and lifted me off the ground. ?Welcome home! Lea?s been talking about you nonstop for the last six months. I was beginning to think that she actually made you up!?

I laughed. ?Well, thanks. I?m happy to meet you too!?

He gently settled my feet on the floor and wrapped his arms around Lea, who was looking up at him lovingly, and swaying a bit. ?I?m really sorry to hear about your brother. Lea?s been crying since you called.?

What could I say to that? Nothing, really. Lea knew Jacob her whole life. If I really wanted to think about it, the truth was that Lea knew Jacob even longer than I had. I didn?t think about it though. The second the thought entered, I wiped it from my mind. I couldn?t think about those things. Right now, I just really needed a drink.

Lea staggered closer to the table and grabbed two beers. ?Where?s my pitcher of margaritas?? she yelled to nobody in particular.

Conner shook his head and laughed. ?You drank it all. Have some beer for now, because you?re going to pass out on me if you keep this up.?

Around us, the movement of the crowd escalated with excitement. I looked around the room to find the cause. A man stood in front of the room on the small stage with a microphone in one hand and a beer in the other. ?Are we having fun yet?? he screamed at the audience. Not waiting for the yells of replies to die down the man keep talking. ?Welcome to Boozer?s! Drink until you pass out, and we?ll let you sleep on the floor! Let?s give it up for our house band, Mad World! Ladies, stay off the stage, but you may throw as much of your clothes at them that you want!?

I laughed out loud at the absurdity of the emcee, and then stopped when I noticed all the bras and underwear haphazardly hanging from the rafters on the ceiling. Wow.

Cheering erupted as a group of three guys ran onto the stage. The volume exploded to an ear-piercing decibel and a small lacy black bra went sailing from the crowd, landing in the hands of the fourth member of the band, who strolled, relaxed and unaffected into the middle of the stage.

Lea grabbed me around the waist and pulled me through the crowd. ?This is the band. Come on; let?s stand on the side over here. In a minute, we won?t be able to see through the sea of half-naked girls!?

Wobbly, she climbed back on top of the table we had occupied earlier and held out her hand for me to follow. I followed her up and still grasping my hand, she continued climbing over the leathery cushions of the booth, right onto a wooden shelf in the wall and we plopped down on a deep-set windowsill.

I sat next to her and wondered how many times in the last six months, she sat there and listened to her boyfriend?s friend?s band play. How long had she smiled that satisfied with her life smile? I wondered what contentment felt like. I shut down the thoughts again. I was worn out, but I was definitely happy that Lea had that smile on her face.

I followed her glance to Conner, who stood in the crowd of people and looked back at her with a matching smile. It felt as if I was in the room alone with them and I was intruding in a private moment.

The crowd was in a complete frenzy, when a rough, sexy voice poured a velvety haunting song into the microphone. I couldn?t help but look up to see the match to the voice. How I had been capable of not noticing him before was beyond me. He was perfection. I couldn?t even have matched an adjective to him if I?d tried, but perfect would be the closest fit, and it still wasn?t good enough to describe him.

He was looking through the crowd with intense eyes, as if he was searching for something. Then his expression eased into a sexy smoldering smile. His short dark hair hung thick and unruly, cut in uneven layers. It looked tousled, as if some lucky girl had just run her hands through it backstage. Ah, maybe that?s who it was that he was searching for.

Lean toned muscles stretched beneath the skin of his tattooed arms. One perfectly sculpted hand caressed the mic stand; the other ran through his perfect hair. His husky voice whispered its song. It silenced the crowd as if he was a god.

What use is a tomorrow?

I?ve endured forever

There?s little hope.

I drown my sorrow.

His voice slowed and stopped; a sad melody began on a piano. He stepped back from the mic, never taking his eyes from the crowd, leaned back and reached for a jet-black guitar.

A fast drumbeat broke through the silence, followed by a bass and his soul retching guitar rhythm took my breath away. His voice entwined with an anguished piano chorus and the crowd roared to life. They sang along with the words, as if it was the most popular song on the radio.

Lea nudged me, ?They?re mind-blowing, aren?t they??

It took a moment for me to find my voice. ?Yeah, mind-blowing.? Just listening to that voice was sending shivers through my body, and the way his hands moved over that guitar, holy crap!

She gave me a knowing smile. ?Yeah, the first time Conner brought me here and I heard Shane play, I thought of you. Inspiring, isn?t he?? She understood how much music could move me. How many nights did I play for her to go to sleep when we were younger, for every heartbreak and every tear?

Stretched in front of us, the crowd seemed to double. Girls sat on top of their date?s shoulders. People danced on top of tables and a long line of scantily clad females were writhing against each other on the bar, vying for the band?s attention.

Lea and I looked at each other and fell into each other laughing. ?Come on, Grace, let?s take our shirts and bras off and show these girls how it?s done!?

I shook my head and laughed even harder, ?Girl, you take your bra off over here, and those puppies of yours will knock your friends off the stage!?

She smiled with pride, ?Hey, you?re just as boobilicious as me! Come to the bathroom with me. The room is spinning and I don?t wanna ask Conner to carry me in!?

Boobilicious? I nodded my head and helped her down. We passed Conner and all his friends, who were sitting around a table at the edge of the crowd. He waved me over and handed me two icy cold frozen margaritas. Lea stumbled ahead of me through the crowds, wobbling through a hallway towards what I guessed were the bathrooms.

I tried to follow her, inching my way through the crowd, and carefully holding on to the two drinks. Of course, I lost sight of her and was stranded in the middle of a crowd of hot, sweaty dancing strangers. Great.

Before I knew where I was, I heard a loud commotion in the crowd behind me. A fight had broken out among a group of extremely drunk guys. I continued to move forward in the direction I thought Lea had drunkenly walked. She had to be even drunker than I thought to have lost me and not realized it.

As the brawl got more out of control, I found myself smack in front of the stage. A smaller blonde haired girl and I found ourselves trapped between the stage and the fight, when an elbow from one of the guys rammed into her and she bounced off me, causing both of the ice cold drinks to spill down the front of my very white tee shirt.

The crowd was chanting and screaming at the brawlers, but all I could look at was the icy cold fabric clinging to my skin. Of course, there was the fact that I had a lacy red bra on which now could be seen through my now very wet tee shirt. I threw the empty plastic cups down to the floor. ?Crap! Son of a...?

Black leather motorcycle boots jumped from somewhere above me and landed at my feet. Startled, I stepped back. The lead singer, Shane, had jumped off the stage and was now staring down at me with a flirty smile on his face. ?Wow,? he smirked.

I rolled my eyes, backed up another step, only to be shoved from the fight that was going on behind me, right into his arms. I pushed off him as if I landed on fire. His eyes were ice cold blue.

He pulled me away from the group of guys who were wrestling with the bouncer now. I covered my wet shirt with my arms, feeling completely naked.

One of the other guys from the band, the drummer, jumped off the stage next. ?Come on, Shane!? He grabbed Shane by the shoulder and pulled him towards the fight.

?Yeah, one sec, bro,? he answered his friend, but never took his eyes off of mine. He grabbed his tee shirt from his waist and pulled it over his head. He was all smooth muscle, as if he was painstakingly chiseled from marble. Oh my, I hope I?m not drooling.

He shoved his shirt into my hands and smiled a wicked smile. ?Sorry your drinks spilled...but not really.? Then he winked and dove into the fight behind me to help the bouncer and he disappeared into a crowd of flying fists and legs.

As everyone around us continued to cheer on the fight, I headed for what I hoped was the bathroom and found Lea on the floor of a stall hugging a toilet. When she heard the door close, she lifted her head and gave me a half smile of embarrassment. ?Gracie. I?ve been chemically inconvenienced and I don?t think I can ever leave this toilet. Take a picture of this so I remember never to do it again.?

?Lea, I have a huge file folder of those pictures on my computer. It won?t stop you.? I knelt down next to my best friend and pulled her blonde hair from her face. I grabbed a ponytail holder from the front pocket of my jeans and tied her hair back.

Her big brown eyes looked into mine and I saw tears fill the edges of them. ?Jake?s really gone??

I nodded. Saying anything would make me start crying again.

She moaned, heaved into the toilet again, and I just rubbed her back. ?How do you do it, Gray? How can you watch people die over and over again? I can?t even imagine him not in this world anymore.?

I sat back and leaned against the door of the stall. My eyes flitted over the small space, amazed at how clean it actually was for a bar. I didn?t want to talk about this; about anything. I didn?t want to feel anymore. This was hell. ?Lea. He suffered. He was too good for this world; no one should feel that pain. I wish it were me, Lea. I don?t know how I do this. I don?t know anything. I?m sorry, I don?t know what to say.?

?I don?t want you to say you wished it was you. I almost lost you once, you were my miracle.?

I hugged her tight. ?Let?s get off this floor, okay.? I helped her up, took her to the sink, and helped her wash up. I hoped she would drop the subject, but I knew she had to grieve somehow for Jacob. After all, we were closer than family.

We grew up next door to each other, born the same day, she five minutes before me. Our families said we were destined to be best friends; like sisters. Our mothers and fathers were best friends. When I was fourteen, I lost my parents in a horrific car accident and I almost died. I did, actually. For two minutes, I clinically died. Months later, when I opened my eyes, I was a different person. I remembered Grace?s childhood, I knew all her friends, her crushes, her pains. However, the real Grace moved on, her beautiful spirit evaporating like raindrops into the heavens. Only I stayed behind, stuck here, as if I was super-glued to the earth. My soul?s punishment for something that happened so long ago.

After my hospital stay and my rehabilitation, Lea?s parents took Jacob and me in, not that we needed for anything. My parents had a life insurance policy that was astronomical, so Jacob and I would never want for anything. Ever.

Jake didn?t live with us long though. He was eighteen, used some of our inheritance to go to Cornell University in Ithaca, and lived on campus. Lea and I visited him as much as we could and he came home every holiday. We were a family.

I knew she needed to grieve.

?Hey, what happened to your shirt? You?re sopping wet! Nice bra.?

I looked down, remembering the spilled drinks and I laughed. ?A fight broke out in the middle of the bar and I kind of got caught in it. I spilled our drinks all over myself.?

?Ah, man, our drinks spilled? Were they margaritas? Did you kick their asses??

Leave it to Lea to think that I should kick someone?s ass over a spilled drink. I stripped off my wet shirt and put on Shane?s dry one.

?Where did you get a shirt? Did you come with extra clothes? Did you go shopping without me? What the...?

?The singer, Shane, right? He took off his shirt and gave it to me.? I cut her off before she asked anymore of her dumb drunk questions.

?Shane gave you the shirt off his back?? Her expression was sheer confusion. ?Be careful of that one. He?s slippery like a fish.?

I wrapped one arm around her waist and helped her drunk-walk out of the bathroom. ?I think I can safely say that you have nothing to worry about there, because he?s definitely not my type.?

She leaned her head against mine as we exited the bathroom and she giggled. ?Gray, there?s no such thing as your type, that?s for fairytales. You gotta just hook up with a bunch of wrong guys for a while and have fun.?

I missed her drunken soliloquies. It hadn?t been the same being so far from her and listening to her being a mother hen to me over the phone.

Conner was obediently standing outside in the hallway and looked beyond relieved when we finally emerged from the bathroom. He grabbed her and helped her walk over to the table where the rest of the people he was with were sitting. The crowd in the bar seemed to have thinned out and the stage was empty. I wondered how long we had been on that bathroom floor.

We sat around the table and Conner gave Lea a bottle of water that she sipped continuously. Lea politely introduced me to Conner?s friend Tucker.

Conner worked in a large accounting firm; Tucker had just finished law school and he was working in his father?s firm. The two of them and all the members of the band had known each other since high school.

To confuse me even more, Conner and Tucker were explaining to me that most of them were roommates and they all lived in the same apartment building. It all sounded like a bad episode of Friends to me.

?Hey, how?d you like the brawl?? a voice called from behind us.

We all turned to see Shane, pulling a chair to the table between Lea and me, with a confused looking blonde who stood next to him. The blonde looked around and seemed to wonder if she should sit or stand, then decided to sit on his lap and start nibbling on his ear. He was still shirtless and the blonde had the biggest set of silicone breasts I had ever seen in real life. They were so enormous, I wanted to see if they?d make a big pop if I poked them with a fork.

?Ugh, Shane, get a kennel for your lapdog. The sounds of her slopping your ear is making me wanna hurl again,? Lea muttered.

The blonde stopped and looked at Lea. ?Jealous much??

I watched Lea?s knuckles turn white with the force of her grip on the table. ?Yeah, I?m always jealous of Shane?s conquests. They are the equivalent of a blow up doll with the brains to match.?

?What the hell does that mean?? Blondie snapped.

?See, you just proved my point.? Lea looked at me and smiled. ?Maybe if we use big words, it will leave??

I shrugged and laughed. ?Lea, you know you should never have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.?

?Shut up, skanks! You?re both just jealous.? Blondie yelped, puffing her giant silicone chest out at us.

?Slut,? Lea smiled.

I gave the blonde a serious face. ?Yeah, listen you should really stop now, because I?m betting on the smartest thing that ever could come out of your mouth is a penis.?

Lea lost it and the water she was drinking burst from her mouth and landed all over blonde Amazon breast girl. She jumped off Shane?s lap and scrambled to her feet. ?Shane! Stick up for me! She just got me all wet!? she whined and then she stomped her foot like a kid having a tantrum.

Lea and I bumped heads laughing. I tried not to, but I looked at Shane and he was staring right at me. I held his gaze. His eyes were crystal clear blue and breathtaking. I wasn?t used to seeing people with eyes so piercing. Usually people mentioned it about my eyes, which were light gray, almost silver.

He smiled at me with what I guessed was the smile he used to make most girls act as if they?d suddenly dropped fifty IQ points. I felt nothing. Truthfully, I felt bad for the blonde.

The muscles of his chest flexed, but I pretended not to notice it. He wore his sex appeal like a medal, mentally undressing me. I rolled my eyes at him and shook my head. ?Hey, thanks for the shirt before. Would have been cold walking home like that.?

Blondie stomped her foot again to get his attention, but he didn?t seem to notice. ?This is the one you gave your shirt to? I want a shirt too!?

I looked to Lea and gave her the let?s get outta this bad soap opera signal and stood up. I turned to blondie and smiled. ?Just think of it like this, I got him half-naked for you already. Try to enjoy yourself. He looks like someone who has a land mine in his pants.?

?Huh?? She gave me a really confused look.

?You know a land mine; small, hidden, and explodes on contact.?

Shane?s eyes widened for a split second, and then he stood up and leaned against the table blocking my way past. ?So you must be Lea?s best friend, the one she grew up with and talks about all the time, huh??

?Must be,? I snapped.

His grin became wider. ?Do you have a name??

?Yes, I do,? I replied, but not telling him.

Lea started laughing at our standoff. She folded her arms and watched. ?Conner, watch her outwit him, just watch.? Her slurred words made her sound like a cartoon character.

Shane glared at Lea and back to me and smiled devilishly. Ice cold eyes. ?I?ll just call you Red then, since I can?t get my mind off that sexy little bra I saw you in before.? His smile lifted up in one corner challenging me.

I leaned in really close to him and slowly lifted my eyes to meet his. ?Why not Lacy? Or, did you miss out on the soft silk and lace material it was made from? Too bad, you?ll only get to see the color. You know, if you?re going to be a smart ass you should start with being smart, otherwise, you?re really just an ass. Enjoy the rest of your night.?

I held my palm up to his face when he tried to talk. ?Please, save your breath, because you might need it to blow up your date later.? I walked past him and out the front door.

Lea was giggling behind me. ?Gray, I think you made history in there, as the first girl ever not to jump into bed with Shane Maxton after he gave one of his Coochie Award winning smiles.?

Chapter 3

Conner and Tucker walked Lea and me back to our apartment like gentlemen. The conversation between the four of us never strayed from Shane?s antics of the night or the fact that he paid an interest in me. The warnings to stay away from him from the two guys made me feel like a sixteen year old.

When we reached our apartment, I wasn?t surprised that Tucker and Conner came inside with us.

Conner draped himself over the couch as if he owned the place, and Lea curled up next to him, moaning about the room spinning. That left Tucker and me on opposite sides of the couch sitting in our two side chairs. Tucker leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and hands dangling between them, watching me.

Tucker had a young boyish face - and he was attractive, very attractive. His dark copper colored hair matched the exact shade of his eyes, which were still staring at me. ?Can?t say I blame Shane though,? he smiled. ?Grace was the prettiest girl in that whole bar.?

?Grace and Lea,? Conner added.

Lea moaned in response and lifted her head. ?Thanks, babe,? she muttered.

Conner turned to look at me and regarded me with a serious expression. ?You should steer clear of Shane, though. I mean, don?t get me wrong, he?s one of my best friends and I love the guy. You know, like a brother, but he?s got some major baggage with women and I just don?t think he?ll ever be capable of having more than a quick sexual relationship with a girl.?

Lea snorted and laughed. ?Um, yeah. Well, gentlemen, thank you for all the warning labels you just plastered all over Shane, but there?s definitely nothing to worry about with Grace. Without a doubt, Shane is not a thought in Grace?s mind; definitely not her type at all.? She started giggling uncontrollably. ?Although, I think a great one night stand here and there might be good for her, but trust me, boys, Grace is a nut that?ll never be cracked!? She gave me a wink and stumbled to the bathroom.

I smiled and settled back into my chair more. It felt comforting that I had Lea in my life. She knew me; she knew who I really was. To everyone else, I was just a regular twenty-something; indistinguishable from anyone else, and that?s what I wanted. No one but Lea and Jacob knew about my past and my secrets. Now Jake was gone and Lea was the only person in the world who knew who I really was. I sighed in relief. ?I appreciate the Shane warnings, but I?m really not interested in being a notch on a bedpost, so I?m really not interested in him.? Like a narcissistic little boy would get under my skin. I had to be honest though, Shane was insanely attractive, but looks fade and they are just a covering. Even if the outside of a building looks beautiful and structurally sound, it doesn?t mean that once you step inside, the building wouldn?t be rotten and crumble down around you; crushing you. I was way beyond that. I had been broken so many times, no one needed to remind me of getting hurt. I just smiled and reassured them the existence of the possibility that I was just an ordinary girl.

Lea wobbled back into the room. ?Really. Like, how much did I drink, and why can?t I get a normal hangover like everyone else? Why do I have to suffer the puke until you?re sober situation?? She plopped the bathroom wastebasket on the floor next to her and collapsed back unto the couch.

Conner bolted upright seeing the bucket. ?Sweetie, if you puke in front of me I?m gonna blow too. I can?t stand the sight of someone vomiting!? He eyed her nervously.

She rolled her eyes. ?I think I?m good. This is just in case, and you really should be the one that holds my hair back. That?s the sign of a good boyfriend!?

My eyes wandered up to the clock, and I saw that it was four in the morning. I yawned loudly, and announced, ?Well, I?m beat. I?m going to bed. Conner, I?m positive that I will be seeing you in the morning, and knowing Lea, many mornings to come,? I smiled. A bubble of giggles escaped Lea?s lips. ?Tucker, it was nice to meet you.?

Tucker stood up when I did, which I thought was sweet. ?Good night, Grace.?

I think I fell asleep on the walk to my room, because the next thing I knew, it was two o?clock the next afternoon and I was still wearing Shane?s shirt. The subtle scent of him still lingered on it causing me to jump out of my bed thinking he was there with me.

Chapter 4

I heard Lea?s laughter in the kitchen and smelled the fresh aroma of dark brewing coffee. My mouth watered. I had missed Lea?s muddy strong coffee.

I still had my heels on. So I slipped out of them, changed my jeans for a pair of boy shorts and just left Shane?s shirt on. Then I walked out into the hallway and into the bathroom. I wondered if Conner was still here. Well, it wouldn?t be the first time I walked out of my room to run into one of Lea?s friends. I laughed remembering the time one of them tried to jump in the shower with me. The poor guy didn?t know what hit him, but the way he screamed like a girl, made Lea and me both laugh for days. I could tell that Conner was different for Lea though, she was serious about him. As long as he didn?t try to bathe with me, I figured he was golden.

I floated into the kitchen, grabbed a mug, filled it with coffee and turned around to find Shane leaning up against the sink, watching me. He ran his hand through his mass of sweaty hair and wiped his forehead with the tee shirt he had hanging around his neck. He wore nothing else except a pair of black running pants and sneakers.

Conner came into the kitchen dressed the same way. Apparently, they went jogging together every day, Conner was explaining to me, but I was too distracted by the sight of Shane to listen. He was ridiculous to look at; every single muscle on his body was clearly defined. The only word that popped in my mind was delicious.

Shane cocked his head and gave me a sideways smile. His eyes were the lightest shade of blue I?d ever seen. They were intense and alarming. They reminded me of something from long ago. ?Red, you still have my shirt on.? His voice was low and raspy, wrapping itself around me. I could understand perfectly how any girl could fall for him; he was dangerously beautiful.

Embarrassment spiked through my veins. I was standing in front of him with his shirt still on and a pair of tiny boy shorts. I saw him smiling and appraising me. There was no way I could let this man know how he affected me. There?s no way, I could let any man affect me, period.

His eyes continued to sweep over my legs, and I could swear that everywhere his eyes locked on me, I could feel a slight touch. I kept my gaze steady on his eyes until he locked back onto mine. An alarmingly gorgeous half-smile stared back at me.

?Would you like it back right now?? I asked daringly.

Conner had stopped talking at some point during our conversation, but neither Shane nor I noticed when. I only noticed Shane?s slight forward movement at the thought of me returning his shirt at that moment. Like I would fall into his trap and take my shirt off for him.

?Sure thing,? I said and bounced my way out of the kitchen and back into my bedroom. I change into an oversized sweatshirt and sweat pants, ran back into the kitchen and tossed the shirt at him. ?Thanks again,? I called to him as I left the kitchen.

Lea was laying on the couch in the living room in the same exact place I left her the night before. She had her Kindle eReader on and was probably devouring some cheesy romance novel. I sat down next to her and sighed. ?What are you reading now??

?Vampire romance. It?s pretty hot, you should read it after me, and get away from reality for a while.?

I barked out a laugh. ?Nothing can make me forget my reality,? I answered flatly.

Looking up Lea asked, ?Why do you have an aversion to reading all of a sudden??

?Why bother? There?s no book; fictional, horror, fairytale, anything that could come even close to the warped disturbing reality of my horrible existence,? I shuttered.

?Gray,? she leaned forward and hugged me. ?Why don?t you just try to live a little? Do what makes you smile. Stop looking for things that aren?t here. Just enjoy the things that are here.?

If only it were that easy. I leaned back and smiled at my friend. In a blink of an eye, this life would be over.

Conner and Shane strolled in and stopped abruptly, feeling the seriousness of our conversation. I stood up and without a word walked back down the hallway and into the kitchen to reclaim the coffee I had left there. I needed to escape before anyone saw me cry.

?Everything okay?? I heard Conner ask.

Shane chuckled. ?Did I piss her off? Shit, I didn?t make her cry or anything, did I? She just asked if I wanted my shirt back. I thought I?d get to look at her half naked again!?

I heard Lea stomp off the couch. ?Shane, you are the biggest egotistical self-centered man I have ever met. If you think for one minute, someone like Grace would spend more than a minute with you on her mind, you?re more than stupid.? Her voice got louder. ?Her brother died yesterday. Ass hat!?

She stormed through the hallway. The sound of the bathroom door slamming shook the walls.

Within two seconds, Conner?s voice was murmuring to her though the locked door. I leaned my hands on the kitchen countertop letting the cool granite calm me.

The floor creaked softly behind me. Shane leaned against the counter next to me. He was so close that I felt his breath on my temple. It took all the control I possessed in my body not to scream at him to get away from me. ?I?m sorry...Grace, I didn?t mean to be a smart ass. I didn?t know about your brother. I didn?t mean to...?

I shook my head and sighed. I didn?t even turn to look at him.

?I?m being serious, Grace. I know how much it sucks to lose someone you care about.? I felt him lean in closer and it made me dizzy. ?Look at me.?

I met his eyes with mine, and then his gaze traveled down to my lips. Of all the male egotistical, crappiest things to do, he was trying to use my grief to get me to kiss him! I swear, if he leans in and tries to kiss me, I?ll bite his lip right off!

His eyes lifted back up to meet mine. He had to have seen the disgusted expression on my face. ?It is what it is. You said nothing that affected me Shane. Thanks for the condolences for my brother. And, do yourself a favor, don?t bother trying to mess with my head, it?ll be a waste of your time. I won?t sleep with you. Just treat me like one of the guys and we?ll get along fine and then you won?t have to stand over me in a kitchen pretending you give a shit about anyone other than yourself.?

He blinked and hesitated for what seemed like an eternity. Then a devilish smile crept across his face, ?Who said I wanted to sleep with you? You?re just one of the guys. I don?t do guys.?

I burst into laughter and matched his smile. Leave it to an egotistical man to make a joke about it.

He slid his hands off the countertop and dropped them to his sides. His smile lingered for just a moment and he backed away. ?Although, I have to admit. You are the sexist guy I?ve ever met.?

The totally goofy grin that was plastered on his face right before he walked out of the kitchen made being mad at him almost impossible. Almost.

After a few minutes, the four of us converged back into the living room and hung ourselves over the furniture. For some odd reason, Shane and I found ourselves sitting next to each other on the couch. Lea was cuddled on Conner?s lap in one of the chairs, and she was spastically flipping through the channels on the television. Shane was continuously texting someone, or a bunch of someones, and smiling like an ass.

Every so often, he?d read a message from off is phone and brush his arm against me and laugh. I forced myself to ignore him, but he still hadn?t put his shirt on and the closeness of him made me want to reach out and feel his skin. He really was ridiculously beautiful. Too bad, he wasn?t much more then eye candy.

Another twenty minutes was all I could stand. I jumped up, grabbed my sneakers, and put them on.

Lea sat up. ?Where are you going? We were going to go to the bar again tonight around ten.? She gave a nod towards Shane. ?His band is playing another gig there. Want to hang out again? I?ll let you get drunk this time and hold your hair back,? she pleaded.

I tightened my laces and stood up. ?I?m getting antsy. I thought I?d go for a run.?

Shane put his phone on the table and watched me.

?Well, what about hanging with me tonight? We haven?t seen each other in six months, I missed you!? Lea whined.

?I don?t know. I?ll see how I feel after my run. If you?re not here when I get back, I?ll text you.? I hurried out of the room and out of the front door. I just needed to be outside.

The minute I turned around to stretch my legs against my front steps, Shane was standing right next to me. I rolled my eyes and ignored him. That is until he started stretching alongside me. ?What are you doing?? I asked.

?I thought I?d run with you,? he said laughing a little. ?I figured you wouldn?t care; you know, since you?re just one of the guys, and this is what I do with the guys. Unless you don?t think you could handle it.?

Mentally flipping him the bird I smiled sweetly, ?I?ll try my best.? I took off running along the street and headed towards Fifth Avenue; hooked a right and sped passed the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It had been a little over six months, but I could do this run in my sleep. Even at the hospice, I ran at least ten miles a day at the gym, just to separate myself from what was happening. I took up running after my accident when they taught me how to walk again in rehab and I never stopped. Running is as natural to me as breathing now.

Once in Central Park, I started on the Reservoir Loop around the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir. Shane kept pace with me silently. The only sound I focused on was my feet hitting the soft cinder pathway. My eyes stayed focused ahead of me, never once acknowledging Shane next to me.

The Jackie O Loop is about 1.5 miles long, and as soon I completed it, I started on one of the full loops through Central Park along the East side. I vaguely remembered each loop being about five miles long. I ran them twice. I think I hit my runner?s high twice; it was pure bliss. Starting the second loop, my mind took over; my soul pushing me forward as it always does, my body just a machine.

Shane kept pace still. I decided that he wasn?t human.

I ran through the 86th Street Transverse, out onto Fifth Ave, and slowed my pace. I continued to slow until I was cooled down and walking; breathing evenly. I walked towards my apartment steps, only then noticing night had fallen and the temperature had dropped to around 35 degrees. I stretched my legs against my steps; still remaining silent.

I guessed Shane was somewhere behind me doing the same thing. I didn?t care to look at him until he cleared his throat, seemingly to get my attention.

I spun around to face him. He stood in the middle of the sidewalk glaring at me in what looked like disbelief.

?You?re a runner, huh??

I made a stupid face at him. ?I said I was going for a run. You assumed that I wasn?t man enough?? I snapped.

Shane shook his head at me and gave me an amused expression. ?Not many people surprise me, Grace, but you just surprised the shit outta me.?

Ignoring his statement, I got out my key and unlocked the front door.

I heard him sigh behind me. ?Did my heart love till now? Forswear it sight, for I ne'er saw true beauty ?til this night,? he murmured.

My hand released its grip from the doorknob and I looked back at him. One arm rested on the railing of the stairs, the other lay over his heart.

?Shakespeare,? I whispered.

He nodded a sad smile at me and turned to walk away.

I opened the front door and stepped halfway inside.

?Hey, you coming to the bar tonight?? he called out after me.

I stopped and turned around, ?Maybe, I don?t know. I have to see how I feel after a shower.?

A smile burst onto his face, making him more stunning than it was humanly possible. ?Do you need help with that? I?d like to see how you feel after a shower too...?

I slammed the door on him, but I couldn?t help smiling. Crap.

Less than an hour later, I was dressed in a pair of jeans, an off the shoulder sweater that Lea forced me to put on, and a pair of knee high leather boots that I had forgotten I bought last winter.

I was then locked in the bathroom and again forced to endure a complete hair and face make-over from Lea, who decided it would be her mission to get me to look, as she so eloquently put, doable.

My jet-black hair looked bouncy and wild, and she did the makeup around my eyes to make them look smoky and sexy. Oh dear God, even I wanted to take me home! She wasn?t going to stop until I went out on a date with someone.

This wasn?t the first time she did this either, it was probably more like the fifth. Each time, I ended up going out with some guy who was nice, but who just wasn?t for me. I hated this game.

?Lea, I don?t want to try to impress anyone, this isn?t me,? I said.

She rolled her eyes so expressively I thought they were going to pop out of her head. ?Gray, I could cover your face in shit and make you wear tampons as earrings and you still would be the hottest girl in the bar. Besides me, of course.?

?So why am I getting all dressed up. Where?s the shit and tampons??

She slapped me across the shoulder playfully. ?Look, I just think you need to feel a little sexy and try to live a little, that?s all.? She sat down on the edge of the bathtub and a serious expression crossed her face. ?Gray, all you got is me now. I just want you to have fun. Make this life the best you ever had. And, you know who was asking a ton of questions about you??

I pretended to care, ?Hmm...who??

?Tucker. He?s gorgeous, isn?t he??

?Sure. Come on. Let?s go have some fun.? I said pulling her out of the bathroom.

When we walked into the bar, the guys were already there. Tucker and Conner sat with their backs to the empty stage and waved at us. Shane was sitting on the right of them in between the longhaired drummer and bass player of his band. Leaning against his chair with a beer in one hand and his guitar in the other, he looked relaxed. I hoped that he was utterly exhausted from the run; it would serve him right.

Tucker stood up when we got to the table and gave me a broad smile. It made me want to throw up, and I didn?t even understand why. Conner grabbed our coats and put them on the back of various chairs.

?Grace, you didn?t get to meet the rest of the guys last night. Of course, you know Tucker and Conner,? Lea said, sounding oh-so-dorky. ?This is Ethan, the drummer,? she pointed to an extremely blond guy who looked to be the size of two NFL football players. He saluted me with a drumstick. ?And, this is Brayden, the bass player, and you know Shane already.? Brayden nodded at Shane and me. Well, Shane just stared at me saying nothing. I chuckled inside; the run must have gotten to him!

The last band member, who was introduced as Alex, showed up with a huge bucket of ice-cold beers for everyone.

Lea grabbed me by the hand and shoved me into the seat next to Tucker, who promptly handed me a beer. I tried to twist my face into a smile. This was going to be a long night.

Tucker leaned closer to me and whispered into my ear, ?You look incredible.?

I leaned back and smiled. ?Thank you.? He was sweet. Very attractive too, just, well, I guess I?d give him a chance. A small one. I looked up to see Shane watching me. He didn?t take his eyes off of me until the drummer, Ethan, hit him on the head with one of his drumsticks to let him know they needed to be on stage. Shane was definitely not used to a girl saying no to him. He looked pissed at me. Oh well.

?What the hell was that look?? Lea asked when Shane got up to leave. He had to have heard her, but he didn?t acknowledge the question.

Tucker leaned in smiling, ?Well, take a look at her, she?s beautiful. Of course, Shane is going to look at her!?

I shook my head. ?No. I think he?s pissed at me. I sort of told him off this afternoon and then he challenged me to a run.?

Lea?s eyes widened. ?He ran with you??

I nodded my head and laughed.

Tucker and Conner both looked confused. ?Why is that so funny??

?I made him run about twenty miles without stopping. I didn?t jog either. I ran. I think he?s pissed, because his ego got a little wounded.?

The guys burst out laughing. ?That?s awesome!?

A moment later, the emcee was introducing Mad World again and the crowd tripled before my eyes and went wild. Shane?s unbelievably sexy voice cut through the noise of the screaming audience and silenced them. The power his voice had over everyone was crazy.

The music was absolutely moving. Whether they played a fast or slow song, they were talented. I found myself ignoring the conversations I was involved in with everyone at the table just to hear the words to the songs or the sweet chords thundering from Shane?s guitar.

I was grateful when Tucker left to use the bathroom. I stood up and watched Mad World play. A slow piano melody drifted softly to my ears, I closed my eyes and listened. Lea walked over and grabbed my hand.

?Come on, Gray, let?s go up and watch them. This is one of my favorite songs.?

We made it up to the stage without getting into any brawls like the night before. I laughed at the thought. Lea stopped in front of Shane and he winked at her. As Alex played his keyboard, Shane walked to the back of the small stage, grabbed a guitar, and started playing an intricate melody.

My breath caught in my lungs. Shane was playing a twelve-string double neck harp guitar.

Lea watched my expression. I looked at her with my eyes wide. ?Yeah, I know right, Shane?s freaking talented.? She laughed. ?Gray, close your mouth, you?re drooling. I would tell you to take a chance on that kid, but he?s just as f*cked up as you are. I just thought you?d get a kick out of him playing that. I figured you are the only other person on this planet to know what that instrument is.?

Shane poured his soul into the rhythm, blending the notes perfectly with Alex?s classical piano melody. You couldn?t hear anything from the crowd of people who were watching the band, awestruck. Ethan slowly started a beat and Brayden?s bass collided with the soulful sound of Shane?s voice.

I stand there

And no one knew me

I reach for her

She looks right through me

I can search this world over

She can?t see me

I drown in tears

They look right through me

From behind me, a strong hand grasped my shoulder and Tucker?s face appeared next to my cheek. ?I was wondering where you went. Do you want to dance??

Without waiting for my answer, he spun me around and wrapped his hands around my shoulders. Conner had already grabbed Lea and she winked at me. I gave in and danced, swaying to the music.

When the song ended, Shane said goodnight to the crowd and bras and panties where thrown onto the stage. Shane grabbed a black lacy bra and held it up to his nose and the crowd roared. The band jumped off the stage and they were immediately surrounded by a group of blonde half-naked girls.

Canned music drifted from the speakers and people started dancing again, blocking my view of the band.

Tucker and Conner dragged us back to the table where Lea and I decided we should play a drinking game called Fuzzy Duck. It was definitely time to let loose.

Lea and I got the bartenders attention and he brought two bottles of Tequila and grabbed a handful of shot glasses. We got back to the table where each band member had returned to the table; each one had a hot blonde on their lap, except for Shane. He had two. I shook my head, smiled and raised the bottles of Tequila over my head.

?Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here?s the first drinking game of the night. Fuzzy Duck!? I announced.

Everyone stared at me.

?Fuzzy Duck?? Tucker asked.

?Yes, Tucker. I said Fuzzy Duck,? I replied. ?Here are the rules. Everyone starts by taking one shot. Then we pour another. We go around the table and each person has to say Fuzzy Duck. The first person who messes up has to take a shot and around and around we go!?

?Fuzzy Duck?? Tucker asked. Again.

?Yes, Tucker. I said FUZZY DUCK.?

I filled all the shot glasses and we all took a shot. The first round was hard. Not all the groupies could remember what they were supposed to say. Within an hour, and two more drinking games, everyone was pretty much buzzed; the blonde groupies more so than everyone else.

They fell over each other laughing and giggling. One of the girls who had occupied Shane?s lap was aptly named Barbie. She abruptly caused the end of our drinking games when she heard a song she liked and began giving Shane a lap dance in front of everyone.

Lea rolled her eyes and pretended to dry heave. She threw a fistful of waded up napkins in their direction, hitting Barbie in the head. ?Holy Strippers, Batman! Are you that desperate to make sure he goes home with you??

Barbie didn?t stop and she pretended not to hear Lea?s question. She ground herself into Shane?s lap, grabbing his hands and placing them over the edges of her hiked up skirt. He grabbed into the flesh on her legs and she arched back and let out a high-pitched moan. Oh, crap.

?Maybe she just needs a few dollar bills?? I said. Everyone laughed. But it didn?t stop her. She moved his hands up over her breasts, and then making it worse, the other blonde who had been sitting on his lap before joined in too. Spikes of heat flamed through me. No. This should not affect me.

?Ah! Change the porn channel! You?re gonna give me an STD over here!? Lea shouted.

That made Barbie stop and stand up. She put her hands on her hips, which made us all laugh because her skirt was still hiked up and we all saw her neon pink thong. ?Why don?t you mind your own business, skank!?

?Skank? Me? I?m not the one giving a guy I just met a lap dance in public.? Lea jumped to her feet.

Barbie backed off a step and started to say something, but Lea cut her off. ?Don?t even try, because you might find me smacking the slut out of you in a minute!?

The song changed into one I knew and I pulled Lea towards the dance floor. ?Let?s dance. Who cares what she?s doing.?

With one hand on me, Lea grabbed for Conner with the other. ?Well, I care. My boyfriend is watching it!? Conner didn?t seem fazed though, which made me think he was probably used to Shane and his many friends.

Tucker followed us to the dance floor and we all moved to the music together. Well, all except for Tucker, who sort of bounced back and forth against the music. Lea and I giggled into each other, watching him and his Stereotypical White Guy Dance, forgetting about Shane and the blonde airhead Barbie.

We left after a few songs, and Conner and Tucker walked us home. When we rounded our corner, I started to feel nervous. Tucker was probably going to try to kiss me. The kiss didn?t worry me as much as the feeling behind it. Would I feel anything? Or, would it be like every other time when I felt nothing but hollow; empty?

Lea fumbled with the keys to the front door as Conner gave her tiny butterfly kisses on the back of her neck. She laughed, opened the door and pulled him in by the collar. They disappeared into the darkness of the hallway and probably headed straight for her room.

I hesitated on the first step. Torn between finally wanting to feel whole again and yet knowing I never would. I climbed to the top step with Tucker right behind me. I swear time slowed as I turned to face him. His hand was already against my chin pulling me forward. His eyes gazed into mine; warm chocolate. I wanted to feel something; I wanted the longing to be over. Closing his eyes, he touched his lips to mine. Dry and chapped. His body leaned into mine, his tongue separating my lips. His kiss turned strong and rough, with the edge of his teeth sharp and lusty.

He pulled back and we held each other?s gaze. A lifetime of averageness flashed before my eyes. Despair and sadness seeped through my veins. Law firms, stuffy office parties, civil ceremony, miscarriages, suffering. Not that he wouldn?t love me enough, I just would never love him enough, and he would never be faithful. Why settle for something like that, when you?ve tasted heaven and you?ll always know what you?re missing? I was still alone in this life.

Tucker smiled down at me as if he had felt something different. ?I?m sure you hear this every day, but you have the most beautiful eyes I?ve ever seen. They?re almost silver.?

All I could offer was a half-smile. I clutched his jacket tighter in fear that I might run and never come back. All I could think of was Lea and how I couldn?t hurt her like that. Nevertheless, I wanted this life to be over. I would never stop longing for something that would never be real. The emptiness in my soul was physically painful.

Why couldn?t Tucker be the one I?ve waited for?

?Could I take you out for dinner next weekend? Just you and me?? he whispered as he planted little kisses on my nose and my cheek. Any girl would be happy about this!

?Like a date?? I moved back, trying subtly to stop the continuous kissing. ?Um...sure. That sounds...nice.?

He smiled wide and waited for me to say something else. Did he think I was going to invite him in? God, the thought of sleeping with him made me want to gag. Don?t get me wrong, my body was up for it, but my mind was screaming obscenities at it. Shane?s haunting lyrics played in my mind.

I stand there

And no one knew me

I reach for her

She looks right through me

I can search this world over

She can?t see me

I drown in tears

They look right through me

That?s how it felt. As if Tucker looked right through me, I was invisible. He couldn?t see the real me standing in front of him, just the body of a pretty girl with light gray eyes.

I was trapped; imprisoned.

I backed up and tried to give him my best Oscar winning smile. ?I can?t wait.? I moved closer to the door and turned the knob.

For a split second, Tucker looked disappointed and then contentment covered his face. ?Great. How about Friday night around seven? I?ll pick you up.?

I pulled myself through the front door. ?Sounds like a date! I?ll see you then. Goodnight, Tucker.? I closed the door on him, but not before seeing another flash of disappointment cross his face.

I leaned my back against the door and hung my head in my hands. I don?t even know how long I stood there. The only reason I remembered to move was because I heard Lea and Conner laughing from her bedroom.

The sounds of their happiness made my insides ache. I glanced at the clock; it was almost two in the morning. If it wasn?t so early I?d run. I probably wouldn?t even make it a mile. Best thing to do was sleep; figuring I?d weigh my options on what to do with Tucker in the morning.

I opened my bedroom door and froze. An icy cold breeze blew my curtains gently; casting shadows across the room from the moonlight. I flicked my light on; I never left my window open. Gabriel lay sprawled across my bed, his hands folded behind his head.

Relief flushed through me. I was afraid it might have been Tucker waiting for me.

?Gabriel,? I greeted him. ?What did you do, climb the fire escape? You couldn?t use the front door??

Gabriel frowned. ?You were busy at the front door. You didn?t even notice me standing on the sidewalk. How was your kiss? I thought you might vomit on the poor boy.?

?Hmmm. Yeah, I guess I almost did. Do you think he noticed??

?Mr. Kissy face? No, Grace. He?s way too captivat

Date: 2016-06-12; view: 58