Thirteen Reasons Why 10 page

My anger and frustration with all of you turned to tears and then back to anger and hate every time I found a new connection.

And then I reached Clay, the reason I went to the party. I circled his name and drew a line?back. Back to a previous name.

It was Justin.

In fact, Clay, soon after you left and shut the door?that person reopened it.

On Justin?s tape, the first tape, she said his name would reappear. And he was at that party. On the couch with Jessica.

But that person?s already received the tapes. So Clay, just skip him when you pass them on. In a roundabout way, he caused a new name to be added to this list. And that?s who should receive the tapes from you.

And yes, Clay-I?m sorry, too.

My eyes sting. Not from the salt in my tears, but because I haven?t closed them since learning Hannah cried when I left the room.

Every muscle in my neck burns to turn away. To look out the window, away from the Walkman, and let my eyes stare into nothing. But I can?t bring myself to move, to break the effect of her words.

Tony slows the car and pulls over to a curb. ?You okay??

It?s a residential street, but it?s not the street of the party.

I shake my head no.

?Are you going to be okay?? he asks.

I lean back, resting my head against the seat, and close my eyes. ?I miss her.?

?I miss her, too,? he says. And when I open my eyes, his head is down. Is he crying? Or maybe trying not to cry.

?The thing is,? I say, ?I never really missed her till now.?

He sits back in his seat and looks over at me.

?I didn?t know what to make of that night. Everything that happened. I?d liked her for so long from far away, but I never had a chance to tell her.? I look down at the Walkman. ?We only had one night, and by the end of that night, it seemed like I knew her even less than before. But now I know. I know where her mind was that night. Now I know what she was going through.?

My voice breaks, and in that break comes a flood of tears.

Tony doesn?t respond. He looks out into the empty street, allowing me to sit in his car and just miss her. To miss her each time I pull in a breath of air. To miss her with a heart that feels so cold by itself, but warm when thoughts of her flow through me.

I wipe the cuff of my jacket under my eyes. Then I choke back my tears and laugh. ?Thanks for listening to all that,? I say. ?Next time, it?s okay to stop me.?

Tony turns on the blinker, looks over his shoulder, and pulls us back into the street. But he doesn?t look at me. ?You?re welcome.?

CASSETTE 5: SIDE B

It feels like we?ve driven this same road multiple times since leaving Rosie?s. Like he?s stalling for time.

?Were you at the party?? I ask.

Tony looks out his side window and changes lanes. ?No. Clay, I need to know that you?re going to be all right.?

Impossible to answer. Because no, I didn?t push her away. I didn?t add to her pain or do anything to hurt her. Instead, I left her alone in that room. The only person who might?ve been able to reach out and save her from herself. To pull her back from wherever she was heading.

I did what she asked and I left. When I should have stayed.

?No one blames me,? I whisper. I need to hear it said aloud. I need to hear the words in my ears and not just in my head. ?No one blames me.?

?No one,? Tony says, his eyes still on the road.

?What about you?? I ask.

We approach a four-way stop and slow down.

For a moment, from the corner of his eye, he looks at me. Then he returns his gaze to the road. ?No, I don?t blame you.?

?But why you?? I ask. ?Why did she give you the other set of tapes??

?Let me drive you to the party house,? he says. ?I?ll tell you there.?

?You can?t tell me now??

His smile is weak. ?I?m trying to keep us on the road.?

Soon after Clay left, the couple from the couch walked into the bedroom. Actually, stumbled into the bedroom is more accurate. Remember them? I thought she was acting drunk, bumping into me so we?d get up and leave. Unfortunately, it wasn?t an act. She was smashed.

I passed them in the hall. One of Jessica?s arms lay flopped over Justin?s shoulders. The other one groped for the wall to steady herself.

Of course, I didn?t actually see them come in. I was still on the floor, my back against the far side of the bed, and it was dark.

When I walked out of the room, I felt so frustrated. So confused. I leaned against the piano in the living room, almost needing it to hold myself up. What should I do? Stay? Leave? But where would I go?

Her sofa buddy kept her from stumbling too hard into the nightstand. And when she rolled off the bed?twice?he lifted her back on. Nice guy that he was, he kept the laughter to a minimum.

I thought he would tuck her in and shut the door behind him as he left. And that would be the perfect time for my getaway. End of story.

Hannah wasn?t my first kiss, but the first kiss that mattered; the first kiss with someone who mattered. And after talking with her for so long that night, I assumed it was just the beginning. Something was happening between us. Something right. I felt it.

But that?s not the end of the story. Because that wouldn?t make for a very interesting tape, now would it? And by now, I?m sure you knew it wasn?t the end.

Still, with no destination in mind, I left the party.

Instead of leaving, he started kissing her.

I know, some of you would have easily stayed for such an amazing voyeuristic opportunity. A close encounter of the sexual kind. Even if you never saw it, at least you?d hear it.

But two things kept me down on that floor. With my forehead pressed against my knees, I realized how much I must?ve drank that night. And with my balance not what it should?ve been, to run across the floor felt a little hazardous.

So that?s one excuse.

Excuse number two is that things seemed to be winding down up there. Not only was she drunk and clumsy, she seemed to be completely unresponsive. From what I could tell, it didn?t go much beyond kissing. And it seemed to be one-sided kissing at that.

Again, nice guy that he was, he didn?t take advantage of the situation. He wanted to. He tried for the longest time to get a reaction out of her. ?Are you still awake? Do you want me to take you to the bathroom? Are you gonna puke??

This girl wasn?t totally passed out. She grunted and groaned a bit.

It dawned on him-finally-that she wasn?t in a romantic mood and probably wouldn?t be for a while. So he tucked her in and said he?d check on her in a bit. Then he left.

At this point you might be wondering, Who are these people? Hannah, you forgot to tell us their names. But I didn?t forget. If there?s one thing I?ve still got, it?s my memory.

Which is too bad. Maybe if I forgot things once in a while, we?d all be a little bit happier.

The mist was heavy when I left the party. And as I walked through the neighborhood, it started to drizzle. Then rain. But when I first started walking it was just a thick mist that left everything sort of hazy.

No, you?ll have to wait for a name on this one. Though if you?ve been paying close attention, I gave you the answer a long time ago.

Before I say his name out loud, this guy needs to stew a bit?to remember everything that happened in that room.

And he remembers. I know he does.

I would love to see his face right now. His eyes shut tight. Jaw clenched. Fists pulling out his hair.

And to him I say, Deny it! Go on, deny that I was ever in that room. Deny that I know what you did. Or not what you did, but what you didn?t do. What you allowed to happen. Rationalize why this isn?t the tape you?re making a return appearance on. It must be a later tape. It has to be a later tape.

Oh, really? And you?d like that? A later tape would make things better?

Don?t bet on it.

God. What else could?ve gone wrong that night?

I know she wasn?t your girlfriend, that you hardly ever talked to her and barely even knew her, but is that your best excuse for what happened next? Or is that your only excuse?

Either way, there is no excuse.

I stood up, stabilizing myself with one hand on the bed.

Your shoes-the shadow of your shoes-were still visible in the light coming under the door. Because when you left that room, you took up post right outside. And I let go of the bed and started walking toward that sliver of light, not sure what I?d say to you when I opened the door.

But halfway there, two more shoes came into view?and I stopped.

When I left the party, I just walked. Several blocks. Not wanting to go home. Not wanting to go back.

The door opened, but you pulled it back and said, ?No. Let her rest.?

In that tiny burst of light, I saw a closet-its accordion doors halfway open. Meanwhile, your friend was convincing you to let him in that room.

I waited, heart pounding, trapped in the middle of the floor.

The bedroom door opened again. But again, you pulled it shut. And you tried to make a joke of it. ?Trust me,? you said, ?she won?t move. She?ll just lay there.?

And what was his response? What was it? What was his reasoning for you to step aside and let him in that room? Do you remember? Because I do.

It was the night shift.

He told you he was working the night shift and had to leave in a few minutes.

A few minutes, that?s all he needed with her. So just relax and step aside.

And that?s all it took for you to let him open the door.

God.

Pathetic.

I couldn?t believe it. And your friend couldn?t believe it, either, because when he grabbed the doorknob again, he didn?t rush right in. He waited for you to protest.

In that brief moment-the moment you said nothing-I fell on my knees, sick, covering my mouth with both hands. I stumbled toward the closet, tears blurring the light from the hall. And when I collapsed into the closet, a pile of jackets on the floor caught me.

When the bedroom door opened, I pulled the closet doors shut. And I shut my eyes tight. Blood pounded in my ears. I rocked back and forth, back and forth, beating my forehead into the pile of jackets. But with the bass pumping throughout the house, no one heard me.

?Just relax.? Those words, he?s said it before. It?s what he always says to the people he?s taking advantage of. Girlfriends. Guys. Whoever.

It?s Bryce. It has to be. Bryce Walker was in that room.

And with the bass thumping, no one heard him walking across the room. Walking across the room. Getting on the bed. The bedsprings screaming under his weight. No one heard a thing.

And I could have stopped it. If I could have talked. If I could have seen. If I could have thought about anything, I would have opened those doors and stopped it.

But I didn?t. And it doesn?t matter what my excuse was. That my mind was in a meltdown is no excuse. I have no excuse. I could have stopped it-end of story. But to stop it, I felt like I?d have to stop the entire world from spinning. Like things had been out of control for so long that whatever I did hardly mattered anymore.

And I couldn?t stand all the emotions anymore. I wanted the world to stop?to end.

For Hannah, the world did end. But for Jessica, it didn?t. It went on. And then, Hannah hit her with these tapes.

I don?t know how many songs went by with my face buried in those jackets. The beats kept sliding from one song into another. After a while, my throat felt so scratched. So raw and burning. Had I been screaming?

With my knees on the floor, I felt vibrations whenever anyone walked down the hall. And when footsteps fell within the room-several songs after he entered the room-I pressed my back against the closet wall?waiting. Waiting for the closet doors to be torn open. To be yanked out of my hiding place.

And then? What would he do to me then?

Tony?s car pulls over. The front tire scrapes the curb. I don?t know how we got here, but the house is right outside my window now. The same front door where I entered the party. The same front porch where I left. And to the left of the porch, a window. Behind that window, a bedroom and a closet with accordion doors where Hannah, on the night I kissed her, disappeared.

But light from the hallway seeped into the room, into the closet, and his footsteps walked away. It was over.

After all, he couldn?t be late for work, could he?

So what happened next? Well, I ran out of the room and straight down the hall. And that?s where I saw you. Sitting in a room all by yourself. The person this whole tape revolves around?Justin Foley.

My stomach lurches and I fling open the car door.

Sitting on the edge of a bed, with the lights turned off, there you were.

Sitting there, staring at nothing. While I stood in the hallway, frozen, staring at you.

We?d come a long way, Justin. From the first time I watched you slip on Kat?s lawn. To my first kiss at the bottom of the slide. To now.

First, you started a chain of events that ruined my life. Now, you were working on hers.

Outside that very same house, I throw up.

I keep my body hunched over, my head hanging over the gutter.

Eventually, you turned my way. The color in your face?gone. Your expression?blank. And your eyes looked so exhausted.

Or was it pain I saw there?

?Stay there as long as you want,? Tony says.

Don?t worry, I think. I won?t puke in your car.

Justin, baby, I?m not blaming you entirely. We?re in this one together. We both could have stopped it. Either one of us. We could have saved her. And I?m admitting this to you. To all of you. That girl had two chances. And both of us let her down.

The breeze feels good on my face, cooling the sweat on my forehead and neck.

So why is this tape about Justin? What about the other guy? Isn?t what he did worse?

Yes. Absolutely yes. But the tapes need to be passed on. And if I sent them to him, they would stop. Think about it. He raped a girl and would leave town in a second if he knew?well?if he knew that we knew.

Still hunched over, I breathe in as fully as possible. Then I hold it.

And release.

Breathe. Then hold.

Release.

I sit upright in the seat, keeping the door open just in case. ?Why you?? I ask. ?Why do you have these tapes? What did you do??

A car drives by and we both watch it turn left two blocks away. It?s another minute before Tony answers.

?Nothing,? he says. ?And that?s the truth.? For the first time since approaching me at Rosie?s, Tony addresses me eye to eye. And in his eyes, catching the light from a lamppost half a block away, I see tears. ?Finish this tape, Clay, and I?ll explain everything.?

I don?t answer.

?Finish it. You?re almost done,? he says.

So what do you think of him now, Justin? Do you hate him? Your friend that raped her, is he still your friend?

Yes, but why?

It must be denial. It has to be. Sure, he?s always had a temper. Sure, he goes through girls like used underwear. But he?s always been a good friend to you. And the more you hang out with him, the more he seems like the same old guy from before, right? And if he acts like the same guy, then he couldn?t possibly have done anything wrong. Which means that you didn?t do anything wrong, either.

Great! That?s great news, Justin. Because if he didn?t do anything wrong, and you didn?t do anything wrong, then I didn?t do anything wrong. And you have no idea how much I wish I didn?t ruin that girl?s life.

But I did.

At the very least, I helped. And so did you.

No, you?re right, you didn?t rape her. And I didn?t rape her. He did. But you?and I?we let it happen.

It?s our fault.

?Full story,? I say. ?What happened??

I pull the sixth tape from my pocket and swap it with the one inside the Walkman.

CASSETTE 6: SIDE A

Tony takes his keys out of the ignition. Something to hold on to while he talks. ?I?ve been trying to figure out how to say this the whole time we?ve been driving. The whole time we?ve been sitting here. Even when you were puking your guts out.?

?You noticed I didn?t puke in your car.?

?I did.? He smiles, looking down at his keys. ?Thanks. I appreciate that.?

I close the car door. My stomach is settling.

?She came over to my house,? Tony says. ?Hannah. And that was my chance.?

?For what??

?Clay, the signs were all there,? he says.

?I had my chance, too,? I tell him. I take off the headphones and hang them on my knee. ?At the party. She was freaking out when we kissed and I didn?t know why. That was my chance.?

Inside the car, it?s dark. And quiet. With the windows rolled up the outside world seems deep asleep.

?We?re all to blame,? he says. ?At least a little.?

?So she came over to your house,? I say.

?With her bike. The one she always rode to school.?

?The blue one,? I say. ?Let me guess. You were working on your car.?

He laughs. ?Who would?ve thought, right? But she never came over to my house before, so I was a little surprised. You know, we were friendly at school, so I didn?t think too much of it. What was weird, though, was why she came over.?

?Why??

He looks out the side window, and his chest fills with air. ?She came over to give me her bike.?

The words sit there, undisturbed, for an uncomfortably long time.

?She wanted me to have it,? he says. ?She was done with it. When I asked for a reason, she just shrugged. She didn?t have one. But it was a sign. And I missed it.?

I summarize a bullet point from the handout at school. ?Giving away possessions.?

Tony nods. ?She said I was the only one she could think of who might need it. I drive the oldest car at school, she said, and she thought if it ever broke down I might need a backup.?

?But this baby never breaks down,? I say.

?This thing always breaks down,? he says. ?I?m just always around to fix it. So I told her that I couldn?t take her bike. Not without giving her something in return.?

?What did you give her??

?I?ll never forget this,? he says, and he turns to look at me. ?Her eyes, Clay, they never looked away. She just kept looking, straight into my eyes, and started crying. She just stared at me and tears began streaming down her face.?

He wipes away tears from his own eyes and then wipes a hand across his upper lip. ?I should have done something.?

The signs were all there, all over, for anyone willing to notice.

?What did she ask for??

?She asked me how I made my tapes, the ones I play in my car.? He leans his head back and takes a deep breath. ?So I told her about my dad?s old tape recorder.? He pauses. ?Then she asked if I had anything to record voices.?

?God.?

?Like a handheld recorder or something. Something you didn?t have to plug in but could walk around with. And I didn?t ask why. I told her to wait right there and I?d get one.?

?And you gave it to her??

He turns to me, his face hard. ?I didn?t know what she was going to do with it, Clay.?

?Wait, I?m not accusing you, Tony. But she didn?t say anything about why she wanted it??

?If I had asked, do you think she would have told me??

No. By the time she went to Tony?s house, her mind was made up. If she wanted someone to stop her, to rescue her from herself, I was there. At the party. And she knew it.

I shake my head. ?She wouldn?t have told you.?

?A few days later,? he says, ?when I get home from school, there?s a package sitting on my porch. I take it up to my room and start listening to the tapes. But it doesn?t make any sense.?

?Did she leave you a note or anything??

?No. Just the tapes. But it didn?t make any sense because Hannah and I have third period together and she was at school that day.?

?What??

?So when I got home and started listening to the tapes, I went through them so fast. Fast-forwarding to find out if I was on them. But I wasn?t. And that?s when I knew that she?d given me the second set of tapes. So I looked her up and called her house, but no one answered. So I called her parents? store. I asked if Hannah was there, and they asked if everything was all right because I?m sure I sounded crazy.?

?What did you say??

?I told them that something was wrong and they needed to find her. But I couldn?t make myself tell them why.? He takes in a thin, jagged breath of air. ?And the next day at school, she wasn?t there.?

I want to tell him I?m sorry, that I can?t imagine what that must?ve been like. But then I think of tomorrow, at school, and realize I?ll find out soon enough. Seeing the other people on the tapes for the first time.

?I went home early that day,? he says, ?pretending I was sick. And I?ve got to admit, it took me a few days to pull myself together. But when I returned, Justin Foley looked like hell. Then Alex. And I thought, okay, most of these people deserve it, so I?m going to do what she asked and make sure you all hear what she has to say.?

?But how are you keeping track?? I ask. ?How did you know I had the tapes??

?You were easy,? he says. ?You stole my Walkman, Clay.?

We both laugh. And it feels good. A release. Like laughing at a funeral. Maybe inappropriate, but definitely needed.

?But everyone else, they were a little trickier,? he says. ?I?d run to my car after the last bell and drive as close to the front lawn of the school as possible. When I saw whoever was next, a couple days after I knew the last person had heard the tapes, I?d call out his name and wave him over. Or her. I?d wave her over.?

?And then you?d just ask if they had the tapes??

?No. They would?ve denied it, right? So I?d hold up a tape when they got close and tell them to get in because I had a song I wanted them to hear. Every time, based on their reaction, I knew.?

?And then you?d play one of her tapes??

?No. If they didn?t run away, I?d have to do something, so I?d play them a song,? he says. ?Any song. They would sit there, where you are, wondering why in the hell I was playing them this song. But if I was right, their eyes would glaze over, like they were a million miles away.?

?So why you?? I ask. ?Why?d she give the tapes to you??

?I don?t know,? he says. ?The only thing I can think of is because I gave her the recorder. She thought I had a stake in it and would play along.?

?You?re not on them, but you?re still a part.?

He faces the windshield and grips the steering wheel. ?I?ve got to go.?

?I didn?t mean anything by that,? I say. ?Honest.?

?I know. But it?s late. My dad?s going to start wondering if I broke down somewhere.?

?What, you don?t want him messing under your hood again?? I grab the door handle and then, remembering, let go and pull out my phone. ?I need you to do something. Can you say hello to my mom??

?Sure.?

I scroll through the list of names, hit Send, and she picks up right away.

?Clay??

?Hey, Mom.?

?Clay, where are you?? She sounds hurt.

?I told you I might be out late.?

?I know. You did. I was just hoping to hear from you by now.?

?I?m sorry. But I?m going to need a little longer. I may need to stay at Tony?s tonight.?

Right on cue, ?Hello, Mrs. Jensen.?

She asks if I?ve been drinking.

?Mom, no. I swear.?

?Okay, well, this is for his history project, right??

I flinch. She wants to believe my excuses so bad. Every time I lie, she wants to believe me so much.

?I trust you, Clay.?

I tell her I?ll be home before school to get my stuff, then we hang up.

?Where are you going to stay?? Tony asks.

?I don?t know. I?ll probably go home. But I don?t want her to worry if I don?t.?

He turns the key, the engine starts, and he flips on the headlights. ?Do you want me to take you somewhere??

I grab the door handle and nod toward the house. ?This is where I?m at in the tapes,? I say. ?But thanks.?

His eyes stare straight ahead.

?Honestly. Thank you,? I say. And when I say it, I mean it for more than just the ride. For everything. For how he reacted when I broke down and cried. For trying to make me laugh on the most horrible night of my life.

It feels good knowing someone understands what I?m listening to, what I?m going through. Somehow, it makes it not as scary to keep listening.

I get out of the car and shut the door. His car pulls away.

I press Play.

Back to the party, everyone. But don?t get too comfy, we?ll be leaving in just a minute.

Half a block away, Tony?s Mustang stops at an intersection, takes a left, and drives away.

If time was a string connecting all of your stories, that party would be the point where everything knots up. And that knot keeps growing and growing, getting more and more tangled, dragging the rest of your stories into it.

When Justin and I finally broke that awful, painful stare, I wandered down the hall and back into the party. Staggered in, really. But not from the alcohol. From everything else.

I sit on the curb, a few feet from where I vomited out of Tony?s car. If whoever lives here, because I have no idea whose party it was, wants to come out and ask me to leave, I welcome it. Please do.

I grabbed for the piano in the living room. Then the piano bench. And I sat.

I wanted to leave, but where would I go? I couldn?t go home. Not yet.

And wherever I went, how would I get there? I was too weak to walk. At least, I thought I was too weak. But in truth, I was too weak to try. The only thing I knew for certain was that I wanted to get out of there and not think about anything or anyone anymore.

Then a hand touched my shoulder. A gentle squeeze.

It was Jenny Kurtz.

The cheerleader from the Student Body office.

Jenny, this one?s for you.

I drop my head down to my knees.

Jenny asked if I needed a ride home, and I almost laughed. Was it so obvious? Did I look that terrible?

So I looped my arm in hers and she helped me up. Which felt good, letting someone help me. We walked out the front door, through a crowd either passed out on the porch or smoking in the yard.

Somewhere, at that moment, I was walking from block to block trying to figure out why I?d left that party. Trying to figure out, trying to understand, what had just happened between me and Hannah.

The sidewalk was damp. My feet, numb and heavy, shuffled across the pavement. I listened to the sound of every pebble and leaf that I stepped on. I wanted to hear them all. To block out the music and the voices behind me.

While blocks away, I could still hear that music. Distant. Muffled. Like I couldn?t get far enough away.

And I can still remember every song that played.

Jenny, you didn?t say a thing. You didn?t ask me any questions. And I was so grateful. Maybe you?ve had things happen, or seen things happen at parties that you just couldn?t discuss. Not right away, at least. Which is sort of fitting, because I haven?t discussed any of this until now.

Well?no?I tried. I tried once, but he didn?t want to hear it.

Is that the twelfth story? The thirteenth? Or something else entirely? Is it one of the names written on her paper that she won?t tell us about?

So, Jenny, you led me to your car. And even though my thoughts were somewhere else-my eyes focused on nothing-I felt your touch. You held my arm with such tenderness as you lowered me into the passenger seat. You buckled me in, got in your seat, then we left.

What happened next, I?m not entirely sure. I wasn?t paying attention because, in your car, I felt secure. The air inside was warm and comforting. The wiper blades, on a slow speed, gently pulled me out of my thoughts and into the car. Into reality.

The rain wasn?t heavy, but it blurred the windshield just enough to keep everything dreamlike. And I needed that. It kept my world from becoming too real, too fast.

And then?it hit. There?s nothing like an accident to bring the world crashing back.

An accident? Another one? Two in one night? How come I never heard about this one?

The front wheel on my side slammed into and jumped the curb. A wooden post smacked into your front bumper and snapped back like a toothpick.

God. No.

A Stop sign fell backward in front of your headlights. It caught under your car and you screamed and slammed on the brakes. In the side mirror, I watched sparks fly onto the road as we slid to a stop.

Okay, now I?m awake.

We sat for a moment, staring through the windshield. No words, not a glance between us. The wipers smeared the rain from side to side. And my hands stayed gripped to my seatbelt, thankful we only hit a sign.

Date: 2016-06-12; view: 63