Thirteen Reasons Why 7 page

I hate what you did, Hannah.

Will my life ever go where I want it to?

You didn?t have to do it and I hate the fact that you did.

The next day, Marcus, I decided something. I decided to find out how people at school might react if one of the students never came back.

As the song goes, ?You are lost and gone forever, oh my darling, Valentine.?

I lean back against a poster locked behind a plastic frame and I close my eyes.

I?m listening to someone give up. Someone I knew. Someone I liked.

I?m listening. But still, I?m too late.

My heart is pounding and I can?t stand still. I walk across the marble floor to the box office. A small sign hangs by a chain and a tiny suction cup. CLOSED-SEE YOU TOMORROW! From out here, it doesn?t look so cramped. But in there, it felt like a fishbowl.

My only interaction came when people slid money over to my side of the glass and I slid back their tickets. Or when a coworker let themselves in through the rear door.

Other than that, if I wasn?t selling tickets, I was reading. Or staring out of the fishbowl, into the lobby, watching Hannah. And some nights were worse than others. Some nights I watched to make sure she buttered the popcorn all the way through. Which seems silly now, and obsessive, but that?s what I did.

Like the night Bryce Walker came. He arrived with his girlfriend-of-the-moment and wanted me to charge her the under-twelve rate.

?She won?t be watching the movie anyway,? he said. ?You know what I mean, Clay?? Then he laughed.

I didn?t know her. She might?ve been a student from another school. One thing was clear, she didn?t seem to think it was funny. She placed her purse on the counter. ?I?ll pay for my own ticket, then.?

Bryce moved her purse aside and paid the full amount. ?Just relax,? he told her. ?It was a joke.?

About halfway through the movie, while I sold tickets for the next show, that girl came tearing out of the theater holding her wrist. Maybe crying. And Bryce was nowhere to be seen.

I kept watching the lobby, waiting for him to show. But he never did. He stayed behind to finish watching the movie he had paid for.

But when the movie was over, he leaned against the concession counter, talking Hannah?s ear off as everyone else left. And he stayed there while the new people came in. Hannah filled drink orders, handed out candy, gave back change, and laughed at Bryce. Laughed at whatever he said.

The entire time, I wanted to flip the Closed sign over. I wanted to march into the lobby and ask him to leave. The movie was over and he didn?t need to be here anymore.

But that was Hannah?s job. She should have asked him to leave. No, she should have wanted him to leave.

After selling my last ticket and turning over the sign, I exited through the box office door, locked it behind me, and went into the lobby. To help Hannah clean up. To ask about Bryce.

?Why do you think that girl ran out of here like that?? I asked.

Hannah stopped wiping the counter and looked me straight in the eye. ?I know who he is, Clay. I know what he?s like. Believe me.?

?I know,? I said. I looked down and touched a carpet stain with the toe of my shoe. ?I was just wondering, then, why?d you keep talking to him??

She didn?t answer. Not right away.

But I couldn?t raise my eyes to face her. I didn?t want to see a look of disappointment or frustration in her eyes. I didn?t want to see those kinds of emotions directed at me.

Eventually, she said the words that ran through my mind the rest of that night: ?You don?t need to watch out for me, Clay.?

But I did, Hannah. And I wanted to. I could have helped you. But when I tried, you pushed me away.

I can almost hear Hannah?s voice speaking my next thought for me. ?Then why didn?t you try harder??

CASSETTE 4: SIDE A

On my way back, the red hand flashes, but I run through the crosswalk anyway. The parking lot holds even fewer cars than before. But still, no Mom?s.

A few doors down from Rosie?s Diner, I stop running. I lean my back against a pet store window, trying to catch my breath. Then I lean forward, hands on my knees, hoping to slow everything down before she arrives.

Impossible. Because even though my legs stopped running, my mind keeps going. I let myself slide down against the cold glass, knees bent, trying so hard to hold back tears.

But time?s running out. She?ll be here soon.

Drawing in a full breath, I push myself up, walk over to Rosie?s, and pull open the door.

Warm air rushes out, smelling like a mixture of hamburger grease and sugar. Inside, three of the five booths along the wall are taken. One with a boy and a girl drinking milkshakes and munching popcorn from the Crestmont. The other two are filled with students studying. Textbooks cover the tabletops, leaving just enough room for drinks and a couple of baskets of fries. Thankfully, the booth farthest back is occupied. It?s not a question I need to consider, whether to sit there or not.

Taped to one of the pinball machines is a hand-scribbled Out of Order sign. A senior I sort of recognize stands in front of the other machine, banging away.

As Hannah suggested, I sit at the empty counter.

Behind the counter, a man in a white apron sorts silverware into two plastic tubs. He gives me a nod. ?Whenever you?re ready.?

I slide a menu out from between two silver napkin holders. The front of the menu tells a lengthy story about Rosie?s, with black-and-white photos spanning the last four decades. I flip it over, but nothing on the menu looks good to me. Not now.

Fifteen minutes. That?s how long Hannah said to wait. Fifteen minutes and then I should order.

Something was wrong when Mom called. Something was wrong with me, and I know she heard it in my voice. But on her way over, will she listen to the tapes to find out why?

I am such an idiot. I should have told her I would go get them. But I didn?t do that, so now I have to wait and find out.

The boy who was eating popcorn asks for a key to the bathroom. The man behind the counter points to the wall. Two keys hang from brass hooks. One key has a blue plastic dog attached to it. The other, a pink elephant. He grabs the blue dog and heads down the hall.

After storing the plastic tubs beneath the counter, the man unscrews the tops to a dozen salt and pepper shakers, paying no attention to me. And that?s fine.

?Did you order yet??

I swivel around. Mom sits on the stool next to me and pulls out a menu. Beside her, on the counter, is Hannah?s shoebox.

?Are you staying?? I ask.

If she stays, we can talk. I don?t mind. It would be nice to free my thoughts for a while. To take a break.

She looks me in the eyes and smiles. Then she places a hand over her stomach and forces her smile into a frown. ?That?s a bad idea, I think.?

?You?re not fat, Mom.?

She slides the box of tapes over to me. ?Where?s your friend? Weren?t you working with someone??

Right. A school project. ?He had to, you know, he?s in the bathroom.?

Her eyes look past me, over my shoulder, for just a second. And I might be wrong, but I think she checked to see if both keys were hanging on the wall.

Thank God they weren?t.

?Did you bring enough money?? she asks.

?For??

?For something to eat.? She replaces her menu then taps a fingernail against my menu. ?The chocolate malteds are to die for.?

?You?ve eaten here?? I?m a little surprised. I?ve never seen adults in Rosie?s before.

Mom laughs. She places a hand on top of my head and uses her thumb to smooth out the wrinkles on my forehead. ?Don?t look so amazed, Clay. This place has been around forever.? She pulls out a ten-dollar bill and lays it on top of the shoebox. ?Have what you want, but have a malted shake for me.?

When she stands, the bathroom door squeaks open. I turn my head and watch the guy rehang the blue dog key. He apologizes to his girlfriend for taking so long and kisses her on the forehead before sitting down.

?Clay?? Mom says.

Before turning back around, I shut my eyes for just a moment, and breathe. ?Yes??

She forces a smile. ?Don?t be out long.? But it?s a hurt smile.

Four tapes remain. Seven stories. And still, where is my name?

I look into her eyes. ?It might be a while.? Then I look down. At the menu. ?It?s a school project.?

She says nothing, but from the corner of my eye I can see her standing there. She lifts a hand. I close my eyes and feel her fingers touch the top of my head then slide down to the back of my neck.

?Be careful,? she says.

I nod.

And she leaves.

I take the top off the shoebox and unroll the bubble-wrap. The tapes haven?t been touched.

Everyone?s favorite class?okay, everyone?s favorite required class?is Peer Communications. It?s kind of the nonelective elective. Everyone would take it even if it wasn?t required because it?s such an easy A.

And most of the time, it?s fun. I?d take it just for that.

There?s very little homework, and don?t forget the bonus points for class participation. I mean, they encourage you to yell out in class. What?s not to like?

Reaching down, I grab my backpack and lift it onto the stool where Mom sat only moments ago.

After feeling more and more like an outcast, Peer Communications was my safe haven at school. Whenever I walked into that room, I felt like throwing open my arms and shouting, ?Olly-olly-oxen-free!?

I roll the three tapes I?ve already heard into the bubble-wrap and place them back in the shoebox. Finished. Done.

For one period each day, you were not allowed to touch me or snicker behind my back no matter what the latest rumor. Mrs. Bradley did not appreciate people who snickered.

I unzip the largest pocket of my backpack and stow Hannah?s shoebox inside it.

That was rule number one, day number one. If anyone snickered at what anyone else said, they owed Mrs. Bradley a Snickers bar. And if it was an extremely rude snicker, you owed her a King Size.

On the counter, sitting beside the Walkman and a chocolate malted shake in honor of Mom, are the next three tapes.

And everyone paid up without argument. That?s the kind of respect people had for Mrs. Bradley. No one accused her of picking on them, because she never did. If she said you snickered, you did. And you knew it. The next day, there would be a Snickers bar waiting on her desk.

And if there wasn?t? I don?t know.

There always was.

I gather the next two tapes, blue nail polish labeling them nine and ten, eleven and twelve, and hide them in my inside jacket pocket.

Mrs. Bradley said Peer Communications was her favorite class to teach-or moderate, as she called it. Each day, we had a brief reading assignment full of statistics and real-world examples. Then, we discussed.

The last tape, the seventh tape, has a thirteen on one side but nothing on the reverse. I slip this tape into the back pocket of my jeans.

Bullies. Drugs. Self-image. Relationships. Everything was fair game in Peer Communications. Which, of course, made a lot of other teachers upset. It was a waste of time, they said. They wanted to teach us cold hard facts. They understood cold hard facts.

Headlights flash across Rosie?s front window and I squint while they pass.

They wanted to teach us the meaning of x in relation to pi, as opposed to helping us better understand ourselves and each other. They wanted us to know when the Magna Carta was signed-never mind what it was-as opposed to discussing birth control.

We have Sex Ed., but that?s a joke.

Which meant that each year, during budget meetings, Peer Communications was on the chopping block. And each year, Mrs. Bradley and the other teachers brought a bunch of students to the school board with examples of how we benefited from the class.

Okay, I could go on like this forever, defending Mrs. Bradley. But something happened in that class, didn?t it? Otherwise, why would you be listening to me talk about it?

Next year, after my little incident, I hope Peer Communications continues.

I know, I know. You thought I was going to say something else, didn?t you? You thought I was going to say that if the class played a part in my decision, it should be cut. But it shouldn?t.

No one at school knows what I?m about to tell you. And it wasn?t really the class itself that played a part. Even if I never took Peer Communications, the outcome may very well have been the same.

Or not.

I guess that?s the point of it all. No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes, we have no clue. Yet we push it just the same.

Mom was right. The shake is amazing. A perfect blend of ice cream and chocolate malt.

And I?m a jerk for sitting here, enjoying it.

At the back of Mrs. Bradley?s room stood a wire bookrack. The kind you spin. The kind that holds paperback novels in the supermarket. But this rack never held any books. Instead, at the beginning of the year, each student received a paper lunch bag to decorate with crayons and stickers and stamps. Then we opened our bags and hung them to the rack with a couple of pieces of tape.

Mrs. Bradley knew people had a difficult time saying nice things to each other, so she devised a way for us to anonymously say what we felt.

Did you admire the way so-and-so talked openly about his family? Drop a note in his bag and tell him.

Do you understand so-and-so?s concern about not passing history? Drop her a note. Tell her you?ll think about her as you study for the upcoming test.

Did you like his performance in the school play?

Do you like her new haircut?

She got a haircut. In the photo at Monet?s, Hannah?s hair was long. That?s how I always picture it. Even now. But that?s not how it was at the end.

If you can, tell them to their face. But if you can?t, drop them a note and they?ll feel it just the same. And as far as I know, no one ever left a mean or sarcastic note in anyone?s bag. We had too much respect for Mrs. Bradley to do that.

So, Zach Dempsey, what?s your excuse?

What? What happened?

Oh God. I look up to find Tony standing beside me, his finger on the Pause button.

?Is this my Walkman??

I don?t say anything, because I can?t read his expression. It?s not anger, even though I did steal his Walkman.

Confusion? Maybe. But if it is, it?s more than that. It?s the same look he gave when I helped him with his car. When he was watching me instead of shining the flashlight for his dad.

Worry. Concern.

?Tony, hey.?

I pull the headphones from my ears and slip them around my neck. The Walkman. Right, he asked about the Walkman. ?It is. It was in your car. I saw it when I was helping you. Earlier today. I think I asked if I could borrow it.?

I?m such an idiot.

He rests a hand on top of the counter and sits on the stool next to me. ?I?m sorry, Clay,? he says. He looks into my eyes. Can he tell I?m a horrible liar? ?I get so frustrated around my dad sometimes. I?m sure you asked and I just forgot.?

His gaze falls to the yellow headphones around my neck, then follows the long cord to the tape deck on the counter. I pray that he doesn?t ask what I?m listening to.

Between Tony and my mom, I?m doing a lot of lying today. And if he does ask, I?ll need to do it again.

?Just return it when you?re done,? he says. He stands and places a hand on my shoulder. ?Keep it as long as you need.?

?Thanks.?

?No need to rush,? he says. He grabs a menu from between the napkin holders, walks to an empty booth behind me, and sits down.

Don?t worry, Zach. You never left anything mean in my bag. I know that. But what you did do, was worse.

From what I know, Zach?s a good guy. Too shy for people to even want to gossip about.

And like me, he?s always had a thing for Hannah Baker.

But first, let?s go back a few weeks. Let?s go back?to Rosie?s.

My stomach pulls in tight, like working through a final sit-up. I close my eyes and concentrate on bringing myself back to normal. But I haven?t felt normal in hours. Even the lids of my eyes feel warm. Like my whole body is fighting a sickness.

I just sat there, in the booth where Marcus left me, staring into an empty milkshake glass. His side of the bench was probably still warm because he?d left only a minute ago. When up walked Zach.

And down he sat.

I open my eyes to the row of empty stools on this side of the counter. On one of these stools, maybe this one, Hannah sat when she first arrived. By herself. But then Marcus arrived and took her to a booth.

My gaze follows the counter down to the pinball machines at the far end of the diner, then over to their booth. Empty.

I pretended not to notice him. Not because I had anything against him, but because my heart and my trust were in the process of collapsing. And that collapse created a vacuum in my chest. Like every nerve in my body was withering in, pulling away from my fingers and toes. Pulling back and disappearing.

My eyes burn. I reach forward and slide a hand down the frosted milkshake glass. Ice-cold droplets cling to my skin and I run my wet fingers across my eyelids.

I sat. And I thought. And the more I thought, connecting the events in my life, the more my heart collapsed.

Zach was sweet. He went on letting me ignore him until it became almost comical. I knew he was there, of course. He was practically staring at me. And eventually, melodramatically, he cleared his throat.

I lifted my hand onto the table and touched the base of my glass. That was the only sign he was going to get that I was listening.

I pull my glass closer and turn the spoon inside it in slow circles, softening whatever remains at the bottom.

He asked if I was all right, and I forced myself to nod. But my eyes kept staring at the glass-through the glass-at the spoon. And I kept thinking, over and over, Is this what it feels like to go insane?

?I?m sorry,? he said. ?For whatever happened just now.?

I felt my head continue to nod as if it was attached to heavy springs, but I couldn?t bring myself to tell him that I appreciated his words.

He offered to buy me another milkshake, but I gave no response. Was I unable to talk? Or did I just not want to talk? I don?t know. Part of me thought he was hitting on me-ready to use the fact that I was now alone to ask me out. And it?s not that I completely believed that, but why should I trust him?

The waitress dropped off my bill and took the empty glass away. Soon, getting nothing out of me, Zach left a few bucks on the table and returned to his friends.

I keep stirring my malted. There?s hardly any left, but I don?t want the glass taken away. It gives me a reason to sit here. To stay here.

My eyes began tearing up, but I could not break my stare from the small wet circle where the glass had been. If I even tried to utter a single word, I would have lost it.

Or had I already lost it?

I keep stirring.

I can tell you this, at that table, the worst thoughts in the world first came into my head. It?s there that I first started to consider?to consider?a word that I still cannot say.

I know you tried coming to my rescue, Zach. But we all know that?s not why you?re on this tape. So I?ve got one question before we continue. When you try rescuing someone and discover they can?t be reached, why would you ever throw that back in their face?

For the past several days or weeks or however long it took you to get these tapes, Zach, you probably thought no one would find out.

I lower my face into my hands. How many secrets can there be at one school?

You probably got sick to your stomach when you heard what I did. But the more time that went by, the better you felt. Because the more time that went by, the more likely your secret died with me. No one knew. No one would ever find out.

But now we will. And my stomach gets a little sicker.

Let me ask you, Zach, did you think I turned you down at Rosie?s? I mean, you never got around to asking me out, so I couldn?t officially turn you down, right? So what was it? Embarrassment?

Let me guess. You told your friends to watch while you put the moves on me?and then I hardly responded.

Or was it a dare? Did they dare you to ask me out?

People did that. Recently someone dared me to ask Hannah out. He worked with both of us at the Crestmont. He knew I liked her and that I never found the nerve to ask her out. He also knew that for the past few months, Hannah hardly spoke to anyone, making it a double challenge.

When I broke out of my daze, and before I left, I listened in on you and your friends. They were teasing you for not getting that date you assured them was in the bag.

I will give you credit where it?s due, Zach. You could have gone back to your friends and said, ?Hannah?s a freak. Look at her. She?s staring into Neverland.?

Instead, you took the teasing.

But you must have a slow boil, getting more and more angry-taking it more and more personally-the longer you thought about my nonresponsiveness. And you chose to get back at me in the most childish of ways.

You stole my paper bag notes of encouragement.

How pathetic.

So what tipped me off? It?s simple, really. Everyone else was getting notes. Everyone! And for the most insignificant of things. Anytime someone even got a haircut they got a bunch of notes. And there were people in that class I considered friends who would have put something in my bag after I chopped off most of my hair.

When she first walked by me in the halls, with her hair cut so much shorter, I couldn?t keep my mouth from falling open. And she looked away. Out of habit, she tried brushing the hair out of her face and behind her ears. But it was too short and kept falling forward.

Come to think of it, I cut my hair the very day Marcus Cooley and I met at Rosie?s.

Wow! That?s weird. All those warning signs they tell us to watch out for, they?re true. I went straight from Rosie?s to get my hair cut. I needed a change, just like they said, so I changed my appearance. The only thing I still had control over.

Amazing.

She pauses. Silence. Just static, barely audible, in the headphones.

I?m sure the school had psychologists come in loaded with handouts, telling you what to look for in students who might be considering?

Another pause.

No. Like I said before, I can?t say it.

Suicide. Such a disgusting word.

The next day, when I found my bag empty, I knew something was up. At least, I thought something was up. The first few months of class I received maybe four or five notes. But suddenly, after the telltale haircut?nothing.

So after my haircut, I waited a week.

Then two weeks.

Then three weeks.

Nothing.

I push my glass across the counter and look at the man down by the register. ?Can you take this??

It was time to find out what was going on. So I wrote myself a note.

He shoots me a hard look while counting back change. The girl on this side of the register also looks at me. She touches her ears. The headphones. I?m speaking too loud.

?Sorry,? I whisper. Or maybe it doesn?t come out at all.

?Hannah,? the note said. ?Like the new haircut. Sorry I didn?t tell you sooner.? And for good measure, I added a purple smiley face.

To avoid the major embarrassment of getting caught leaving myself a note, I also wrote a note for the bag next to mine. And after class, I walked to the bookrack and made a show of dropping a note in that other bag. Then I casually ran my hand around the inside of my bag, pretending to check for notes. And I say ?pretending? because I knew it would be empty.

And the next day? Nothing in my bag. The note was gone.

Maybe it didn?t seem like a big deal to you, Zach. But now, I hope you understand. My world was collapsing. I needed those notes. I needed any hope those notes might have offered.

And you? You took that hope away. You decided I didn?t deserve to have it.

The longer I listen to these tapes, the more I feel I know her. Not the Hannah from the past few years, but the one from the past few months. That?s the Hannah I?m beginning to understand.

Hannah at the end.

The last time I found myself this close to a person, a person slowly dying, was the night of the party. The night I watched two cars collide in a dark intersection.

Then, like now, I didn?t know they were dying.

Then, like now, there were a lot of people around. But what could they have done? Those people standing around the car, trying to calm the driver, waiting for an ambulance to arrive, could they have done anything at all?

Or the people who passed Hannah in the halls, or sat beside her in class, what could they have done?

Maybe then, like now, it was already too late.

So Zach, how many notes did you take? How many notes were there that I never got to read? And did you read them? I hope so. At least someone should know what people really think of me.

I glance over my shoulder. Tony?s still there, chewing a french fry and pumping ketchup on a hamburger.

I admit, during class discussions I didn?t open up much. But when I did, did anyone thank me by dropping a note in my bag? That would have been nice to know. In fact, it might have encouraged me to open up even more.

This isn?t fair. If Zach had any idea what Hannah was going through, I?m sure he wouldn?t have stolen her notes.

The day my self-written note went missing, I stood outside the classroom door and started talking to someone I?d never spoken with before. I looked over her shoulder every few seconds, watching the other students check their bags for notes.

That sure looked like a lot of fun, Zach.

And that?s when I caught you. With a single finger, you touched the lip of my bag and tilted it down just enough to peek inside.

Nothing.

So you headed toward the door without checking your own bag, which I found very interesting.

The man behind the counter picks up my glass and, with a chocolate-stained rag, wipes the counter.

Of course, that didn?t prove anything. Maybe you just liked seeing who was getting notes and who wasn?t?with a particular interest in me.

So the next day, I came into Mrs. Bradley?s room during lunch. I took my paper bag off the rack and reattached it with the tiniest sliver of tape. Inside, I placed a little note folded in half.

Again, when class was over, I waited outside and watched. But I didn?t talk to anyone this time. I just watched.

The perfect setup.

You touched the lip of my bag, saw the note, and reached in. The bag fell to the floor and your face turned bright red. But you bent down and scooped it up anyway. And my reaction? Disbelief. I mean, I saw it. I expected it, even. But I still couldn?t believe it.

While my original plan called for me to confront you right then and there, I jumped to the side-out of the doorway.

In a hurry, you rounded the corner?and there we were. Face-to-face. My eyes stung as I stared at you. Then I broke that stare and lowered my head. And you took off down the hall.

She didn?t want him to explain. There was no explanation. She saw it with her own eyes.

When you were halfway down the hall, still walking fast, I saw you look down as if reading something. My note? Yes.

You turned for just a moment to see if I was watching. And for that moment, I was scared. Would you confront me and tell me you were sorry? Yell at me?

The answer? None of the above. You just turned and kept walking, getting closer and closer to the doors leading outside, closer to your escape.

And as I stood there in the hallway-alone-trying to understand what had just happened and why, I realized the truth: I wasn?t worth an explanation-not even a reaction. Not in your eyes, Zach.

She pauses.

For the rest of you listening, the note was addressed to Zach by name. Maybe he sees it now as a prologue to these tapes. Because in there, I admitted that I was at a point in my life where I really could have used any encouragement anyone might have left me. Encouragement?that he stole.

I bite on my thumb, calming the urge to look over my shoulder at Tony. Does he wonder what I?m listening to? Does he care?

But I couldn?t take it anymore. You see, Zach?s not the only one with a slow boil.

I shouted after him, ?Why??

In the hallway, there were still a few people changing classes. All of them jumped. But only one of them stopped. And he stood there, facing me, cramming my note in his back pocket.

I screamed that word over and over again. Tears, finally spilling over, ran down my face. ?Why? Why, Zach??

I heard about that. Hannah flipping out for no apparent reason, embarrassing herself in front of so many people.

Date: 2016-06-12; view: 54