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The Abominable BrideSHERLOCK
WATSON: The second Afghan War brought honours and promotion to many... but for me it meant nothing but misfortune and disaster. SOLDIER: You all right, Captain? WATSON: I returned to England with my health irretrievably ruined and my future bleak. Under such circumstances, I naturally gravitated to London, that great cesspool into which all the loungers and idlers of the Empire are drained.
STAMFORD: Doctor Watson, Mr Sherlock ... HOLMES: Excellent reflexes. You’ll do…
STAMFORD: Yes. He’s always been like that.
NEWS VENDOR: Papers! Papers! Papers! Papers! WATSON: Here. How’s ‘The Blue Carbuncle’ doing? NEWS VENDOR: Very popular, Doctor Watson. Is there gonna be a proper murder next time? WATSON: I’ll have a word with the criminal classes. NEWS VENDOR: If you wouldn’t mind. Is that ’im? Is ’e in there? WATSON: No. No, no, not at all. Ah, good day to you. CABBIE: Walk on. NEWS VENDOR: Merry Christmas, Mr Holmes!
MRS HUDSON: And I notice you’ve published another of your stories, Doctor Watson. WATSON: Yes. Did you enjoy it? MRS HUDSON: No. WATSON: Oh? MRS HUDSON: I never enjoy them. WATSON: Why not? MRS HUDSON: Well, I never say anything, do I? According to you, I just show people up the stairs and serve you breakfasts. WATSON: Well, within the narrative, that is – broadly speaking – your function. MRS HUDSON: My what?! HOLMES: Don’t feel singled out, Mrs Hudson. I’m hardly in the dog one. WATSON: “The dog one”?! MRS HUDSON: I’m your landlady, not a plot device. WATSON: Do you mean ‘The Hound of the Baskervilles’?! MRS HUDSON: And you make the room so drab and dingy. WATSON: Oh, blame it on the illustrator. He’s out of control. I’ve had to grow this moustache just so people’ll recognise me.
HOLMES: Mrs Hudson, there is a woman in my sitting room! Is it intentional? MRS HUDSON: She’s a client! Said you were out; insisted on waiting. WATSON: Would you, er, care to sit down? HOLMES: Didn’t you ask her what she wanted? MRS HUDSON: You ask her! HOLMES: Well, why didn’t you ask her? MRS HUDSON: How could I, what with me not talking and everything? HOLMES: Oh, for God’s sake. Give her some lines. She’s perfectly capable of starving us. Good afternoon. I’m Sherlock Holmes. This is my friend and colleague, Doctor Watson. You may speak freely in front of him, as he rarely understands a word.
MRS WATSON: I don’t mind you going, my darling. I mind you leaving me behind! WATSON: But what could you do?! MRS WATSON: Oh, what do you do except wander round, taking notes, looking surprised ... HOLMES: Enough! The stage is set, and the curtain rises. We are ready to begin. MRS WATSON: Begin what? HOLMES: Sometimes, to solve a case, one must first solve another. WATSON: Oh, you have a case, then, a new one? HOLMES: An old one. Very old. I shall have to go deep. WATSON: Deep? Into what? HOLMES: Myself.
LESTRADE: Who said anything happened? HOLMES: You did, by every means short of actual speech. WATSON: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, Holmes? You have misdiagnosed. HOLMES: Then correct me, Doctor. WATSON: He didn’t want a drink ... he needed one. He’s not embarrassed; he’s afraid. HOLMES: My Boswell is learning. They do grow up so fast.
HOLMES: The bride’s face. How was it described? LESTRADE: White as death ... mouth like a crimson wound. HOLMES: Poetry or truth? LESTRADE: Many would say they’re the same thing. HOLMES: Yes, idiots. Poetry or truth?
BRIDE: ♪ Do not forget me ... Do not forget me ... Remember the maid ... RICOLETTI: Who are you? BRIDE: ♪ The maid of the mill. ♪
HOOPER: There are two ‘features of interest,’ as you are always saying in Doctor Watson’s stories. HOLMES: I never say that. WATSON: You do, actually, quite a lot. HOOPER: First of all, this is definitely Emelia Ricoletti. She has been categorically identified. Beyond a doubt it is her.
WATSON: Well, Holmes? Surely you must have some theory. HOLMES: Not yet. These are deep waters, Watson. Deep waters. And I shall have to go deeper still.
WATSON: The what of the what? HOLMES: The obliquity of the ecliptic. WATSON: “Come at once,” you said. I assumed it was important. HOLMES: It is. It’s the inclination of the Earth’s equator to the path of the sun on the celestial plane. WATSON: Have you been swotting up? HOLMES: Why would I do that? WATSON: To sound clever. HOLMES: I am clever. WATSON: Oh, I see. HOLMES: You see what? WATSON: I deduce we’re on our way to see someone cleverer than you. HOLMES: Shut up.
HOLMES: Good morning, Wilder. Is my brother in? WILDER: Naturally sir. It’s breakfast time.
MYCROFT HOLMES: To anyone who wishes to study mankind, this is the spot. HOLMES: Handy, really, as your ever-expanding backside is permanently glued to it. Good morning, brother mine. MYCROFT HOLMES: Sherlock. Doctor Watson. WATSON: You look ... well, sir. MYCROFT HOLMES: Really? I rather thought I looked enormous. WATSON: Well, now you mention it, this level of consumption is incredibly injurious to your health. Your heart ... HOLMES: No need to worry on that score, Watson. WATSON: No? HOLMES: There’s only a large cavity where that organ should reside. MYCROFT HOLMES: We don’t defeat them. We must certainly lose to them. WATSON: Why? MYCROFT HOLMES: Because they are right, and we are wrong.
MYCROFT HOLMES: It’s getting exciting now! Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. Thank you, Wilder. WILDER: Also, Mr Melas to see you, Mr Holmes. MYCROFT HOLMES: Ah. Give me five minutes. I have a wager to win. Better make that fifteen. Tick tock. LADY CARMICHAEL: Eustace? SIR EUSTACE: She’s come for me, Louisa. Oh, God help me, my sins have found me out. LADY CARMICHAEL: Who’s come for you? Eustace, you’re frightening me. SIR EUSTACE: Look! Look! Don’t you see her? LADY CARMICHAEL: No, no. I see no-one. SIR EUSTACE: Gone. LADY CARMICHAEL: You keep so many secrets from me. Is this another? Who have you seen? SIR EUSTACE: It was her. It was the Bride. LADY CARMICHAEL: My husband is not bait, Mr Holmes. HOLMES: No. But he could be if we play our cards right. Now, listen: you must go home immediately. Doctor Watson and I will follow on the next train. There’s not a moment to lose. Sir Eustace is to die tonight. WATSON: Holmes! Date: 2016-04-22; view: 824 |