JOHN: No, it is! It is, and I want to be up there with the two people that I love and care about most in the world.

Sherlock, Season 3, episodes 1-3

The Empty Hearse

JOHN: Sherlock!

SHERLOCK: It’s a trick. Just a magic trick.

ANDERSON: I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

LESTRADE: Yeah, well that won’t bring him back.

LESTRADE: Well then. Absent friends. Sherlock.

ANDERSON: Sherlock.

LESTRADE: And may God rest his soul.

MYCROFT: Baker Street? He isn’t there any more. Why would he be? It’s been two years. He’s got on with his life.

SHERLOCK: What life? I’ve been away.

MARY: John? John, what is it? What?

SHERLOCK: Well, short version... Not Dead. Bit mean, springing it on you like that, I know. Could have given you a heart attack, probably still will. But in my defence, it was very funny. Okay, it’s not a great defence.

MARY: Oh no! You’re ...

SHERLOCK: Oh yes.

MARY: Oh, my God.

SHERLOCK: Not quite.

SHERLOCK: Yes! It’s still a secret. Promise you won’t tell anyone.

JOHN: Swear to God!

SHERLOCK: London is in danger, John. There’s an imminent terrorist attack and I need your help.

JOHN: My help?

SHERLOCK: You have missed this. Admit it. The thrill of the chase, the blood pumping through your veins, just the two of us against the rest of the world...

MYCROFT: Oh, bugger!

SHERLOCK: Oopsie! Can’t handle a broken heart – how very telling.

MYCROFT: Don’t be smart.

SHERLOCK: That takes me back. “Don’t be smart, Sherlock. I’m the smart one.”

MYCROFT: I am the smart one.

SHERLOCK: I used to think I was an idiot.

MYCROFT: Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on ’til we met other children.

SHERLOCK: Oh, yes. That was a mistake.

MYCROFT: Ghastly. What were they thinking of?

SHERLOCK: Probably something about trying to make friends.

ANDERSON: Oh, God. Oh, God, I’m sorry, Sherlock. I’m so sorry.

JOHN: You’d have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it.

SHERLOCK: Love what?

JOHN: Being Sherlock Holmes.

SHERLOCK: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.

JOHN: Sherlock, you are gonna tell me how you did it? How you jumped off that building and survived?

SHERLOCK: You know my methods, John. I am known to be indestructible.

JOHN: No, but seriously. When you were dead, I went to your grave.

SHERLOCK: I should hope so.

JOHN: I made a little speech. I actually spoke to you.

SHERLOCK: I know. I was there.

JOHN: I asked you for one more miracle. I asked you to stop being dead.

SHERLOCK: I heard you. Anyway, time to go and be Sherlock Holmes.

The Sign of Three

MRS HUDSON: It changes people, marriage.

SHERLOCK: Mmm, no it doesn’t.

MRS HUDSON: Well, you wouldn’t understand ’cause you always live alone.

SHERLOCK: Your husband was executed for double murder. You’re hardly an advert for companionship.

MRS HUDSON: Marriage changes you as a person, in ways that you can’t imagine.

SHERLOCK: As does lethal injection.

DAVID: They’re right about you. You’re a bloody psychopath.

SHERLOCK: High-functioning sociopath... with your number.

MYCROFT: I believe you! Really, I do! Have a lovely day, and do give the happy couple my best.

SHERLOCK: I will.

MYCROFT: Oh, by the way, Sherlock – do you remember Redbeard?

SHERLOCK: I’m not a child any more, Mycroft.

MYCROFT: No, of course you’re not. Enjoy not getting involved, Sherlock.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Pray silence for the best man.

JOHN: No, Mike’s great, but he’s not my best friend. Look, Sherlock, this is the biggest and most important day of my life.

SHERLOCK: Well ...

JOHN: No, it is! It is, and I want to be up there with the two people that I love and care about most in the world.

SHERLOCK: Yes.

JOHN: So, Mary Morstan ...

SHERLOCK: Yes.

JOHN: ... and ... you.

SHERLOCK: I confess at first I didn’t realise he was asking me. When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and ... surprised.

SHERLOCK: So, in fact ... You-you mean ...

JOHN: Yes.

SHERLOCK: I’m your ... best ...

JOHN: ... man.

SHERLOCK: ... friend?

JOHN: Yeah, ’course you are. ’Course you’re my best friend. Well, how was that?

SHERLOCK: Surprisingly okay.

SHERLOCK: Done that. ... Done that ... Done that bit ... Done that bit ... Done that bit ... Hmm ... I’m afraid, John, I can’t congratulate you. All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honour the death-watch beetle that is the doom of our society and, in time – one feels certain – our entire species. But anyway ... let’s talk about John.

JOHN: Please.

SHERLOCK: If I burden myself with a little help-mate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice – it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel. ... and contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot. The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous ... unaware of the beautiful ... and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. Certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John, I am a ridiculous man ... redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I’m apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. Actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss ... so sorry again about that last one ... so know this: today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved – in short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.

Date: 2016-04-22; view: 926