Bath- & Bedtime Battles

How to Win Over Stubborn Children

Read our tips for dealing with stubborn behavior (Hint All it takes is a little reverse psychology to get an obstinate kid to see things your way.)

The battles with the older of my two girls began when she was a toddler. I've got photos of the tiny thing standing a good distance away from me at the park, arms folded defiantly, eyes glaring as if to say “No way am I doing what you want, lady!” I even have a videotape of her saying indignantly into the camera, “I'm a mommy, too—of my dollies! I'm in charge now!”

Some kids are just built to butt heads with their parents. Call it stubborn or strong-willed or whatever you like. If you're living with one of these guys, you know that straightforward methods of getting them to follow directions or behave often don't work. They want to be in charge. But, of course, so do you!

Instead of resorting to the usual verbal combat (aka yelling or pleading), try my so-called sneaky or judo parenting strategies instead. Being sneaky doesn't have to mean being underhanded or manipulative with your children. Rather, “‘sneaky parenting’ is actually ‘smart parenting,’” explains parenting educator Sharon Silver of Proactive Parenting, in Tucson, AZ, and author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding. “It means approaching your kids sideways instead of straight on, and using calmness, respect and creativity to get what you want accomplished.”

Rachel Rudman, a mom of two and a pediatric occupational therapist in Cedarhurst, NY, supports this approach. “In my private practice, I constantly recommend what could be referred to as ‘sneaky parenting’ strategies, and they work for me at home, too,” she says. Her take: It's simply human nature for everyone—children, too—to want to be included in decisions about their daily habits. “With many kids who need just a little more control, asking their opinion sometimes and giving them choices often are easy answers to getting them to do what ‘we’ want,” she notes. Try the following tricks and your child will probably even think it was all her idea!

Chore Wars

The power struggle

Your toddler spends half the day pulling toys off the shelf and out of the box, then flits off to another activity when it's time to clean up.

Sneaky strategies

Beat the clock

For the younger set, the best bet is almost always to turn picking up toys into a beat-the-timer game, suggests Malibu, CA, psychotherapist Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected. Stubborn kids are often intrigued by games and challenges, so see how many toys your child can put away in, say, five minutes. You can push the idea further by keeping a chart and encouraging your child to “beat his best effort,” perhaps rewarding him with a sticker or privilege when he does.

Play the “helper” card

Ask him, “Would you like to be my special helper today? You are so good at setting the dinner table, gathering laundry, cleaning the mirror…” so your child feels like pitching in is actually a privilege.

Think positive

Use encouraging, supportive words, rather than threats, to help take the “fight” out of obstinate kids, emphasizes Stiffelman. Instead of saying “We can't go to the park until your toys are put away!” try “As soon as your toys are put away, we get to go to the park!” If your child replies “But I really wanna go play with Brandon,” instead of nagging him about what he has to do to earn that privilege, smile brightly and say “Why yes, you certainly can do that…as soon as all your toys are picked up.”

Bath- & Bedtime Battles

The power struggle

Your child knows that getting out of the bathtub means bedtime is close, so no way is she leaving the water willingly! As for bedtime, she fights it every pajama-clad step of the way. It's becoming a nightly sparring period for your family.

Sneaky strategies

Tune in

Steal a method that stores and movie producers employ all the time — using music to influence people's moods. Calming tunes subliminally puts Kellie Pease's three children into bedtime mode without her ever saying a word. Each child has a favorite disc that the Derby, CT, mom pops into a CD player during bath- and storytime to help them wind down. This works especially well with strong-willed kids, who may have a hard time relaxing enough on their own to be ready to go to sleep.

Play the “yes” game

Try this clever strategy from Stiffelman: Ask your child questions that will prompt her to answer “yes” at least three times in a row, such as “Wow, you're having a great time playing with those bath toys, aren't you?” (Yep!) “What about bringing your swimming goggles into the bath with you next time? Would that be fun?” (Hey, yeah, that's a good idea!) “Does that dinosaur float? Can you show me?” (Sure I can! Just watch this!) The “three yeses” help break down your child's resistance, and she also feels like she's been heard and understood.

Offer options

Gently guide her toward the next step with two choices, such as “Do you want to dry yourself off with the towel or should I help you?” Don't announce that bathtime is over; simply start the process. Move seamlessly through the getting-ready-for-bed routine, offering two options at a time along the way, such as “Which book should we read before bed — X or Y?” If your child balks at the choices — “Neither! I'm not going to bed!” — respond calmly, “That wasn't one of the choices. Did you want this book or that one?” Repeat calmly as needed. Stiffelman says stubborn kids hate hearing parents sound like broken records, and they usually give in. If they don't, simply say “Okay, I guess you've chosen not to have a book tonight. Good night, sweetie! We'll try again tomorrow night!” Lights-out. And don't give in, even if your kid puts up a fuss. Sticking to your word practically guarantees you won't have a repeat episode tomorrow night.

Establish a connection

Before actually moving your kids toward the bedroom, use a technique psychotherapist Susan Stiffelman, of Malibu, CA, calls “Connect Before You Direct.” Take a few minutes to sit beside your child and show interest in the game he's playing or TV show he's watching. Ask a few well-placed questions or say something supportive like “I can see why you like this show — it's really funny!” When kids feel connected to you, they're much more likely to do what you ask next, says Stiffelman, the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected.

Negotiate a new bedtime

Bigger kids' sleep habits are starting to change as they head toward tweendom. If you prefer your child be in bed with the lights out at 8:30 p.m., but he swears he's not tired until 9 p.m., strike a deal that he must be in his room and quiet — not coming out repeatedly to bug you — at 8:30. Then he can stay up and read or play quietly, and you'll trust him to put himself into bed when 9 p.m. rolls around. Strong-willed kids see this kind of deal as a “win” on their part because it gives them an added measure of independence. But be clear that if your child breaks the deal — by being loud, coming out of his room or ignoring the new curfew — you'll go back to the earlier lights-out time.

Date: 2016-04-22; view: 833