Should We Praise Tears In The Public Eye?

Topic 8

Controlling or Letting Feelings Out

The stereotype of the English is that they are cold, reserved and unemotional. Compared with the extravagant French or the explosive Italians the English are an uptight lot. If they do feel anything they are not likely to let you know. It’s a caricature but it has some truth in it.

We grow up in a culture which tells us that it’s good to control our feelings. We learn that it’s best to restrain our warmth, our tears, our anger. We learn that it’s better to be rational. But is it? What happens to feelings you don’t express? Many people argue that they don’t just disappear. They continue to exist under the surface and affect the way you feel and behave.

Anger that you don’t express to others can become anger that you turn against yourself. Fears that you don’t talk about may make you timid in all things. You may put on a brave front but inside you’re fearful and anxious. Hurts and disappointments that you’ve never cried over may make you protect yourself hard against any possible new hurt and become overcautious about getting close to others.

Should We Praise Tears In The Public Eye?

‘Yes,’ says Rachel Simhon

Crying is a healthy release. We can weep for relief and joy, as well as for sadness. At a time of powerful emotion it provides a safety valve. Which mother hasn’t said, “There, there. You’ll feel better after a good cry.”

What is more, crying in public is nothing to be ashamed of. It affirms that you are a human being with feelings and emotions. Showing a vulnerable side allows us to get a little closer. And that applies to men as well as women.

If we remember Paul Gascoigne for one thing, it is for crying at the 1990 World Cup. And we liked him the better for it, just as we liked Chris Patten for weeping when the sun finally set on Hong Kong.

Public weeping reminds us that we are helpless in the face of other people’s emotion. And we really don’t like it.

We talk about the ‘Diana effect’ – is there anything for which that poor woman isn’t going to be blamed? – and mutter about being “un-British”.

In fact, for centuries, the British were renowned not for their stiff upper lip but for their trembling one.

“The English race is the best for weeping and the worst at laughing,” wrote Thomas Hearne in the 17^th century. Shakespeare’s characters wept at the drop of a hat, as did Charles Dickens’s.

If more of us shed a few more tears and acknowledged publicly that it is okay to let people know what we are feeling, we would be going back to our roots, not denying them.

‘No,’ says Mark Palmer

It’s not simply a case of pulling oneself together, stiffening the upper lip and jolly well getting with it. Far from it. I am all for people falling apart, breaking down, dissolving into tears (believe me, I recommend it highly), it’s just that it should be done in private or in the presence of close friends or family.

A frightening consensus has emerged whereby those who may not wish to pin their emotions to their sleeves are, somehow, regarded as inferior human beings: remote, cold, uncaring. Nonsense. Are we suggesting that the two Princes who walked behind their mother’s coffin were not grieving sufficiently because they were not openly weeping?

Life can be horrible. And, when it is, the task before us is to endure horrors, stare them in the face and push on as best as we can. To linger with intent, hiding one’s face in a soggy handkerchief is to block the road to recovery. Tears, privately shed, genuinely move us; they move us towards the next challenge.

It is good to show restraint in public. When we learn to control our emotions, we discover the power to control ourselves. And when we are in control, we are better able to cope.

Topic 9

Happiness is…?

Singers sing about it: Dorothy, for example, sang about what she hoped to find "Over the Rainbow" in The Wizard of Oz. Bobby McFerrin's advice to us in song was "Don't worry, be happy." Filmmakers often make movies with happy endings. Fairy tales typically end with "And they all lived happily ever after." People go to psychiatrists and psychologists to find out if they've got it or to get it if they haven't. There's a common belief that it's essential for us to be happy in life. The American Declaration of Independence says people are entitled to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." It's clear that happiness is central to human existence. But what is it? How can we get it, and how can we keep it?

It was difficult for me to come up with answers to these questions, so I went to The American Heritage Dictionary andlooked up "happy." Here's the main definition I found: "Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy." OK. That seems like a reasonable definition. But the concept of happiness is nonetheless elusive. We tend to say things like, "If only I could find someone I could really love, I'd be happy forever," or "I'd be so happy if I just had enough money to buy the things I want and need." That things and even people are not the key to happiness is quite clear, however. How many times have we gone all out to get something we really wanted, only to discover that it wasn't so great once we had it? I decided to do some additional research about happiness. I found out some interesting things.

The first thing I learned about happiness is that there's a big difference between what we think will make us happy and what actually does. According to psychologist Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University, we human beings are very good at describing our feelings and emotions at the moment of a significant experience. What we're not so good at is predicting what our feelings will be like in the future and how long we’ll have those feelings. This is because feelings are produced by certain brain chemicals right after we’ve had an experience. The feelings are recorded in our memory, but the specific chemicals associated with the experience fade rather soon. When we look back on emotional experiences, we still feel the emotions we once felt but not as strongly as before. It's evident that some force in our brain seeks to keep our emotions on an even keel. When we have a humiliating or irritating experience, for example, our brain takes steps to lessen the impact of this experience in order to maintain mental equilibrium. Gilbert likens this process to the way an oyster produces a layer of pearl around an invading grain of sand. It appears that the brain reduces the emotional impact of very positive experiences as well. A few weeks after a positive experience, we've gotten over the "high," and our feelings have returned to "normal."

Psychological experiments bear out this notion that humans are not good at predicting their future happiness. In one case, a number of lottery winners who had won large jackpots were interviewed after they had won. They expected to feel happy for a long time afterwards. They did, in fact, feel euphoria for a short time, but this feeling faded, and their level of happiness was soon back to its usual state. In another experiment, students were interviewed about where they would feel happier attending school, in a warm climate like that in California or in a colder climate. Most predicted that they would be happier in warm California, but later interviews showed that students felt equally happy in warm and cold climates. In a third case, people who had been tested for Huntington's disease or AIDS expected that they would be devastated if they got bad news. Most of them, however, were not. It was those who decided not to be tested who suffered the greatest anxiety.

The second thing I learned about happiness is that it apparently centers around our ability to adapt to a situation and live through it, especially under adverse circumstances. For example, a professor recounted an experience he'd had with his wife regarding which curtains they should buy for their bedroom. The professor's wife wanted some brown curtains with vertical stripes. The professor hated them and was sure he would always hate them. His wife was adamant, however, and the professor felt it was important that he not get into an argument with her. They went ahead and bought the brown curtains. In time, he got used to them. In fact, not only did he adapt to them, but he also came to like them. It may be the same with most of our experiences. It's not things or people or relationships in themselves that make us happy; it's the process of experiencing and adapting to them that brings us joy and satisfaction.

So it appears that the secret to happiness lies not in thinking about what makes us happy but in just "doing it." Perhaps Bobby McFerrin had it right when he said, "Don't worry, be happy."

Topic 10

Depression

Losing interest in life can be an indication of depression. When you are depressed, you may feel there’s no reason to get through today or to be excited about tomorrow. You may have problems sleeping or feel tired all the time. You may lose your appetite or overeat. Everything may seem hopeless or bleak. Your family and friends may tell you to “just cheer up”. It’s not that simple, however. You may feel frustrated or angry with your self for not being able to snap out of it.

Rage, self-hate, and anxiety, if kept inside, can make you very depressed. Depression is not just an adult problem. Nowadays, more and more teenagers are suffering from real depression, often aggravated by the problems of drugs, alcohol, pressure at school, or the breakup of the family. There are physical reasons for depression as well. Sometimes a chemical imbalance in the body can cause it.

Any depression that lasts longer than a few weeks should be taken seriously. Don’t be discouraged from seeking treatment by someone who says, “You’ll get over it; it’s not really a problem.” That’s bad advice. Depression may stem from a medical problem. If so, your doctor can treat it, probably with medication. If your depression turns out to have an emotional rather than physical cause, your doctor may recommend exercise, meditation, or activities such as volunteer work. Perhaps therapy might be a good idea. Some neighbourhoods offer support groups for teenagers. If your doctor doesn’t know of any, a school counselor or member of the clergy may.

Suicide

Perhaps you have a good friend who is very depressed. Maybe this friend has mentioned fantasies about suicide. Always take threats of suicide seriously. Your friend needs help. If he or she can talk things over with friends, it’s a good start. But people who are seriously depressed need professional help. Urge your friend to see a doctor. Anyone who talks about committing suicide needs medical attention immediately. If your friend refuses, tell an adult you trust about the situation.

Possible signs of depression

You often feel tired.

You have trouble falling asleep.

You wake up in the middle of the night and cannot get back to sleep.

Routine actions seem exhausting.

It’s hard to get up in the morning.

You lose your appetite.

Your appetite increases.

You are accident-prone.

You find hard to make decisions.

You cry a lot without knowing why.

You feel hopeless.

Teenage depression

According to ‘Young Minds’, in a school of 1,000 pupils aged 14-18, 50 of them might be seriously depressed. As many as 1 in 5 could be affected at some time. We investigate why more and more teenagers are suffering from mental illness.

A difficult time

Being a teenager has always been difficult. Emotions and moods change rapidly. Many teenagers feel confused and afraid when the safety of childhood is left. Those days, experts say that things are even harder. Peter Wilson, the Director of Young Minds, says, ‘We live in particularly difficult times for a growing youngster. There are huge cultural pressures and a lot of broken homes. Kids may have difficult relationships with parents, or in other cases, have no one to support them.”

No one is happy all the time

Everyone feels unhappy, lonely or misunderstood from time to time. But a small number of teenagers become depressed for weeks or months without change, and they begin to find that they can’t continue with their normal lives. Many teenagers don’t want to ask, or don’t know how to ask for help. Perhaps, they don’t even realize they are depressed. It is usually other people – friends, parents and teachers, who identify the symptoms of depression and offer help. One teenager explained that after close friend had died, “I stopped believing that anything could be good any more. I became very aggressive. I snapped at my parents and I lost touch with friends. Things were bad for me for a year until, fortunately for me a teacher noticed that thins went wrong.”

If you recognize these symptoms in yourself or a friend, there are lots of things that can be done. You can’t expect yourself, or someone else to just ‘snap out of it.’ You need to find ways to cope with the feelings.

How to help yourself or someone else

If you are worried about a friend, listen to their problems and try to be sympathetic, and be patient. Most important, try and help them find help. If you’re feeling blue yourself, don’t panic – you need to try and understand your emotions. You are not the first person to feel like this. Try writing thins down or talking to a friend. Perhaps writing a poem or song, drawing a picture or listening to music will help you express and understand your emotions. But most importantly of all, do something you enjoy, whether it’s watching TV, playing sport or just going for a walk.

Talk to someone

It is a good idea for teenagers who feel depressed to try and talk to someone they like and feel comfortable with. But if they don’t want to talk to friends and family, there are lots of people who there to help. They could talk to their teacher or school nurse or maybe their doctor. Alternatively, there are telephone help lines which give confidential help to anyone with a problem. Talking to someone might help others to cope with how they are feeling.

There is someone who can help

Sometimes, depression can become a very serious problem, and teenagers think about trying to escape their feeling. They might consider suicide or self-injury. When the problem has got so bad, professional help from qualified specialist counsellors is vital. Counsellors are trained to talk to people about their worries and problems.

It is important to remember that everyone feels sad and unhappy sometimes. Remember that , no matter how bad you feel, the feeling of sadness and unhappiness will come to an end.

Stress

Stress is not always bad for the human body.Infact we need some stress to keep us stimulated. But when someone is under stress for a long time, they may suffer. Problems pile up, and they feel powerless to deal with them.

When you’re under stress, your body produces the hormone adrenalin. Adrenalin makes your heart beat faster and your breathing rate increases. These physical reactions aren’t harmful in themselves. But if high-level stress lasts for a while, your body can suffer a tress overload. The result may be serious physical effects such as headaches and stomach ulcer, high blood pressure or heart attacks.

If you think you are under stress, do two things right away. One, talk to somebody about your problems. Two, allow yourself some time each day to relax. You need to feel that you are in charge of your life, not that your life is in charge of you. You may need to accept that there are some things you’re just not able to do. Decide what’s important to you.

Possible signs of stress

You’re bad-tempered and snap at people.

You have frequent headaches.

You have stomach pains and nausea, or constant ‘butterflies’ in your stomach.

You find it hard to get to sleep.

You wake early.

You find it hard to concentrate.

You cry a lot.

You lose your appetite.

Your appetite increases.

You bite your nails.

Dealing with stress

Not everyone deals with stress equally well. People who are confident about coping with life’s problems manage better than people who feel helpless. If you can persuade your self that you can deal with problems, you’ll manage stress better.

Supportive families and friends can help you in times of stress. That works in reverse as well. If one of your family members or friends is under stress, support the person. Show him or her that you care.

Setting goals

Some people regain a sense of control over their lives by setting and meeting goals. A goal doesn’t have to be grandiose. If you decide you want to be fluent in Italian by next month, for example, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Think of something that would make your life easier. Are you always rushed in the morning? Set a goal of getting up as soon as the alarm rings. Do you have no time for yourself? Set a goal of getting a half hour of quiet time each night. Setting and achieving realistic goals can help you feel good about yourself.

Some good advice for beating the blues

Get regular exercise. Physical exercise is good for the mind as well as for the body. It gives you more energy, and it’s a good way to work out anger. Studies have shown that if you exercise regularly, your body creates higher levels of beta endorphins, natural hormones that help you feel better about yourself. If you are physically tired, you may find it easier to fall asleep.

Don’t hold things in. Have a good cry if you can. Talk to someone who will listen.

It may seem difficult to do when you’re down, but make a list of the things you really enjoy in life. At first, you may think you have nothing to write. Persevere and you’ll probably surprise yourself. Give yourself something to look forward to every day – little things, such as talking with a good friend, watching a favourite video, walking through a park, or reading a magazine.

Lonely and Shy

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. When you spend time alone, you do so because you want to. It’s your choice. However, when you’re lonely, you’re alone but don’t want to be.

Most teenagers feel lonely some of the time. If your best friend goes away on vacation, you may feel unusually lonely because you’ve no one to share secrets with. Sometimes you can feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by other people. This kind of loneliness hurts because it’s hard to understand.

Feeling Shy

Most people feel shy sometimes. Others feel shy most of the time. Shyness usually stems from being unsure of yourself. You may feel shy in an unfamiliar situation or in a new group. You may feel that everyone is watching you and judging you. That can make you tense and unusually conscious of every word you utter.

Making Friends

Many teenagers feel self-conscious much of the time. This can get in your way if you’re trying to overcome loneliness or shyness and make new friends. It’s hard to project warmth and friendliness when all you can think about is whether you look or sound all right. Teenagers often feel uncertain of themselves because everything about them – their bodies, their moods, even their voices – is changing. As you mature physically, however, this uncertainty will lessen. You’ll develop a sense of identity and stronger self-confidence.

Building Confidence

If you lack confidence, try thinking about yourself in a positive way. Write down a list of your good qualities – that you’re nice to your dog, that you care about the environment, that you’re kind to small children. Whenever you’re feeling bad about yourself, read over the list. Learning to like yourself is an important part of growing up. If you like yourself, you’ll find that others tend to like you too. If you think that there’s nothing about you to like, try talking to somebody about your feelings. A teacher or other adult you trust, for example, will be able to see good qualities in you that you overlook.

Remember, you’re not the only person who sometimes feels shy and self-conscious. When you meet somebody new, don’t assume he or she is perfectly at ease. Try being the first to smile. Once you’ve made the first move a few times, you’ll find it gets easier.

Be a Listener

When you’re with people, try to concentrate on what they say instead of wondering what they think of you. Get involved in conversation. You’ll probably find you have something to contribute, even if it’s just an ear. Good listeners are always appreciated. If the conversation runs dry, try asking other people about themselves: where they go to school, what their favourite music is, or what their families are like. Most people enjoy talking about themselves.

Accept Yourself

Many people like shy people. Shyness may be a sign of a sensitive and thoughtful parson. A quiet personality can be very attractive. So if you’re ashy person, accept yourself as you are. Not everyone has to be outgoing. It takes all kinds to make a world.

Exam Pressure

When you’re a teenager, tests occupy a very important part in your life. Some tests are midterm or final exams that affect your grades at school. Other types are college entrance examinations that will decide whether you go to college and, if so, what college you attend.

Some cultures emphasize education more than others do, and parents vary in what they expect from their children. You may feel a great deal of pressure for you to succeed, both at school and at home. You may find that you spend a lot of time worrying about school and exams. Of course, if you work hard at school and succeed, your family will be pleased with you, and you’ll be pleased with yourself. Yet too much pressure to succeed at school may lead to stress-related illness.

Whether you excel at schoolwork or get average grades, you will feel pressure to stay in high school until you get a diploma – and with good reason. Your education will benefit you greatly when you go to get a job. This particularly true today, when fewer and fewer positions are available to unskilled workers. In general, workers with high-school diplomas earn significantly more throughout their lives than those who drop out of high school, and workers with college education earn significantly more than those with only a high-school diploma.

Exam Nerves

Getting nervous before an exam is normal, even if you know you studied hard. This nervousness shows itself in physical symptoms such as:

restlessness,

talkativeness,

headaches,

stomachaches,

nausea,

sweaty hands,

racing heartbeat,

shaking hands,

dry mouth,

compulsive swallowing.

If you experience any of these symptoms before an exam, you’re not alone. However, they usually disappear once you’ve sat down and begun the exam. Try some deep breathing to calm your nerves. And remember, the other students are feeling the same way as you.

How to Survive Exam Pressure

Try to study a little every day. Complete assignments as you receive them. Steady studying is more valuable than last-minute cramming. You’re more likely to absorb facts and retain them if you study in this way.

Some books discuss special exam techniques. Why not check a few of these books out of the library to see if these techniques can help? Your teachers can also help and guide you. Some schools offer special classes on study skills.

Have you dreamed this dreadful nightmare: You walk into an examination room, turn over the paper, and your mind goes completely blank? This doesn’t have to happen to you. Sometimes a teacher will show you exam papers from previous years so that you’ll become familiar with the format and kinds of questions asked.

Can you spend the afternoon before a big exam playing basketball, swimming, or doing some other form of exercise? This may sound like a waste of time. But you’ve studied all along, exercise may be better for you than the last-minute review. You’ll sleep well and arrive at the exam feeling rested and relaxed.

Try not to turn up for an exam too early. Waiting around may make you more nervous.

Don’t even think of cheating as an option. Cheating will make you think less of yourself. Self-esteem is closely linked to success, so cheating is self-defeating in the long run.

Falling in Love

Some teens are in love with love. They have learned about love from television and movies, and they just can’t wait to try it out for themselves. But love can take many different forms. One question a person must face is whether he or she is really in love at a particular time. For example, some people mistake physical desire for love. But love based on only physical attraction does not last long. A person may fall in love several times before developing a lasting, loving relationship with someone.

First Encounters with Love

One of your first experiences with love may be an infatuation. Infatuation comes from the Latin word fatuus, meaning ‘foolish’. When you’re infatuated, you allow your passion to overwhelm you – you are foolish in love. You might adore somebody so much that you can’t think about anything else. Your passion might even become an obsession.

A relationship based on infatuation is more about receiving than giving. Objects of infatuation are often available, older people – a teacher, perhaps, or a movie star. People who are infatuated usually have an unrealistic view of their ‘idol’. If hey actually get a chance to meet and spend some time with the person, they can be disappointed that heir idol is not as perfect as they imagined in their fantasies. However, infatuation is a way of getting ready to handle a mature, two-way relationship.

To love somebody, you have to love and value yourself, first. Once you can begin to understand your own feelings, you will be ready to start forming a close relationship with somebody else.

What does Love Feel Like?

When you are falling in love, the whole world looks different. Everything glows. The weather is beautiful even if it is raining, and the most unpopular teacher at school suddenly seems bearable. You are filled with energy and happiness. That is the romantic side of love.

When you love someone, you are aware of that person’s needs. When you make him or her happy, you are happy. As well as being physically attracted, the two of you are also best friends. You talk to each and have fun together. You enjoy being together as much as possible in many different situations and moods. You trust each other enough to reveal your emotions to each other. That is true love.

Breaking up

Sometimes feelings of love change. Perhaps, as time passes, the relationship is no longer as enjoyable. You can grow apart as you get older. Your interests and goals may lead you in separate directions. Although splitting up can be painful, be honest with each other. Clinging to a relationship that is not working out usually makes you feel worse in the long run than breaking it off.

How do you Get Over a Broken Heart?

What happens when your boyfriend or girlfriend falls ‘out of love’ with you? He or she may want to be free – maybe even to see someone else. Such rejection hurts. You may feel that you did something wrong or you weren’t good enough to be loved by that person. But consider the possibility that the decision may not have had a lot to do with you. People often break up because they’re not ready for a serious relationship, even though they care about the other person. Still, being ‘rejected’ may leave you feeling lonely, angry, and full of self-doubt. This is normal. And there are ways to get over it.

You can cry. You can voice your anger. You can talk to someone. You can stay busy. You can write down your feelings in a diary, a poem, or a song. You can believe your friends when they tell you how terrific you are.

Expressing your feelings is important. Just keep reminding yourself that you are lovable. After a while, you’ll meet someone who is right for you.

Topic 11

Date: 2016-04-22; view: 1456