Spanish guy – Manuel Ilias

Complaining man (prawns) Consti

Two friends(waiting) (Chris,Ivan)

Part 1(all guests without Hamilton)

(Fawlty comes to the dining hall)

- Have you finished? (Mr F)

- Um, yes.(Smb)
-Thank you.(Mr F)

-I think those prawns might be a bit off. (C M)(points out on a plate)
-Oh, I don't think so. (MR.F)
- They do taste rather funny. (C M)
- No one else has complained. (MR.F)
-Well, I really do think they're off. (C M)
-But you've eaten half of them. (MR.F)
- Well, I didn't notice at the start. (C M)
- You didn't notice at the start? (MR.F)

-Well, it was the sauce. I wasn't sure. (C M)
-So you ate half to make sure???Did you want another first course? (MR.F)

- No, thank you. (C M)
- Are you sure? (MR.F)

- Just the main. I'll just cancel it. (C M)
-Canceled? Deduct it from the bill, is that what you mean? (MR.F)

-As it's inedible. (C M)
-Only half of it is inedible, apparently. (MR.F)(Quietly)
-Well, deduct half now, and if I bring the other half up during the night, I will claim the balance in the morning. Now, I'd like our lambs, please! (C M)(angry)

Spanish man comes with bottle of water. He forgot which table he is serving. Remembers and goes quickly to that table.

-Thank you. (takes a plate)(S M)

- Everything to your satisfaction? (MR F)(Expressively like it MUST be perfect)

- Oh, yes, thank you.(F1)
-Thank you. (MR F)

-Why don't you say something?(F2)

-There's is no point, is there? We just won't come here again. (F1)(quietly and calm)
-Then I'll say something.(F2)(annoyed)
-It won't do any good.We're leaving tomorrow. (F1)
-Well, I'm going to. I mean, we've been sitting here waiting for nearly half an hour, and it …(F2)(S M brings a dish)

- What's this?(F2)

- Si? (S M)

- I ordered the cold meat salad, and I've been waiting about half an hour for it.(F1)(raising his voice)
- Salad?(SM)

- Yes.(F1)
-You want change? (SM)

-No-no-no, I don't want to change…(F1)

- Okay.(leaves)
- Where are you going? I-I-I don't want this.
-You say you no want change.(SM)(Surprised)
-I want the salad.( gives a plate)(F1)(separates words loudly)

MR F comes to a dining room.

-Honestly. Go on.(F2)
- Oh, excuse me.(F1)
- Yes?(MR F)

- We've been waiting for about half an hour now.I mean, I gave the waiter our order… (F1)

-Oh, him. He's hopeless, isn't he?

-I don't wish to complain, but when he does bring something, he's got it wrong. (F1)
-You think I don't know??? You only have to eat here. We have to live with it. I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona, but you can't get the staff, you see...It's a nightmare.(MR F)(touches his forehead)

-You were supposed to be complaining to him.(F2)
-Ah.(F1)

(Spanish man brings a plate and notices something on it and takes a plate, Manager sees it and gives the plate back to customers)
- Sorry about that.
- Thank you.(F1)

(Spanish man explains that there was something in the plate whispering)
- Excuse me. (MR F) (manager takes the dish)- What?(whispering)(Manager is about to return a plate)

- Look!(SM)(Screams)

-Thank you so much. Enjoy your meal.(MR F)

Part 2(Hamlton arrives)

MR F comes to the hall. Mr hamlton stays near the registration desk.

-Good evening.(M H)

-Good evening.(MR F)

-I reserved a room by telephone this morning. Mr Hamilton.(MR H)
-Indeed, yes, I remember it well. Ah, excellent. Hamilton ,.. yes . May I welcome you to Fawlty Towers. I trust your stay will be an enjoyable and a gracious one. (MR F)

- Basil.(Sybil)(through the door to dining room)
- What? (MR F)

- Polly and Manuel are going, Basil.(Sybil)
-Just dealing with Mr.Hamilton, dear. (MR F)
- Good evening.(Sybil)
- Good evening. (MR H)

-Manuel!(Screams) Manuel will bring your bags to your rooms .I hope you enjoy your stay and Thank you.(Gives keys)(MrF to Hamlton)
-Do I need to reserve a table for dinner? (Mr Hamlton)

-Dinner? (MR F)

-Yes. Problem ? (Mr Hamlton)

-Well, it is after 9:00. (MR F)
- So? (Mr Hamlton)

-Well, we do actually stop serving at 9:00. (MR F)

-Nine? (Mr Hamlton)

-If you could go straight in (MR F)

-I've driven five hours to get here. I'd like to freshen up, have a drink first, you know? (Mr Hamlton)

-You couldn't do that afterwards? (MR F)

- Do what? You mean have our drink-before-dinner after dinner, freshen up, and go to bed? (Mr Hamlton)

- If you could, it would make things easier for us. (MR F)
-Shall I go to bed now, would that make it easier for you? I am a little tired, fella .I want to clean up, be down in a few minutes. (leaves)(Mr Hamlton)
-Yes, but the chef does actually stop at 9:00. (MR F)
-(comes back)Humph! So why does your chef stop at 9:00, huh? He got something terminal? (Mr Hamlton)

- No, but that's …when he,.. in fact,… stops. (MR F)
-Uh-huh. Now, look, I drove from London to stay here, right? Are you telling me that you can't stay open a few minutes longer so that I can eat properly? (raising his voice)(Mr Hamlton)

- Well, we can do you sandwiches. Ham, cheese? (MR F)

- I want something hot. (Mr Hamlton)
- Toasted sandwiches? (MR F)

- You're joking?! (Mr Hamlton)

- Not really. (MR F)
-Not really.(quietly) What the hell's wrong with this country? You can't get a drink after 3:00, you can't eat after 9:00! Is the war still on? (Mr Hamlton)

- No, but it's the staff, you see. (MR F)
- Oh, it's the staff. (Mr Hamlton)
- We have to get the staff (MR F)

- How much? How much of this Mickey Mouse money do you want to keep the chef on for half an hour? One, two, three 20, huh? That enough? (Mr Hamlton)(take money out his pocket and counts them)

- I'll see what I can do. (MR F)(takes money and puts them into his pocket)
- Thank you. (Mr Hamlton)(leaves)
-Uh, excuse me. Pardon! Pardon! Excuse me, please! This way! Por aqi. This way, please.(SM)(Tries to catch them up- runs and shouts)

Part 3(Fawlty,Hamlton and Sybil)

(Evening-dining room)

Mr Hamlton enters dining room, Sybil sits by a table.

-Good evening. (MR F)(Opens a door)
- Evening. (Mr Hamlton)
-Is your room to your liking? (MR F)

- Yes, it's very nice, thank you. (Mr Hamlton)(sits down)
-Oh, good.I'll get you tonight's menu.Would you care for a drink before your meal? (MR F)(takes menu in the cupboard and gives to Mr H)

-Vodka and orange juice,please. (Mr Hamlton)

2

Mr F brings a drink. Mr H drinks a bit
-What the hell is that? (Mr Hamlton)(In disgust)

- Vodka and orange juice. (MR F)
-Orange juice? I'm afraid it's not fresh. (Mr Hamlton)
- Isn't it? (MR F)

- No. (Mr Hamlton)
-We've just opened the bottle. (MR F)
-Fresh means it comes out of an orange, not a bottle. (Mr Hamlton)
-Aaahhh. You'd like freshly squeezed orange juice. (MR F)
-As opposed to freshly unscrewed orange juice.Yes. (Mr Hamlton)(sarcastic)
-Leave it to me. I'll get chef onto it straightaway. (MR F)(enters the kitchen)

-Could you make me a Waldorf salad? (Mr Hamlton)

-Waldorf salad ??? I think we're just out of Waldorfs. (confused) May I recommend tonight…(MR F)

-I'm sure your chef knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad. (Mr Hamlton)
-I wouldn't be too sure…(MR F)(quietly)

-He's a chef, isn't he? - Go see if he knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad! (Mr Hamlton)

-Of course, yes. (MR F)(goes back into the kitchen)

Mr Fawlty opens a door from a kitchen and asks

-He's not positive he's almost got it.It's lettuce and tomato…(MR F)

-No, no! It's celery, apples, walnuts, grapes! In a mayonnaise sauce. (Mr Hamlton)

- In a mayonnaise sauce!Of cource.(MR F)(closes the door)

MR F comes to a dining hall

-Incidentally, he did ask me to say that he does especially recommend the pat tonight. (MR F)
- I don't want pat. (Mr Hamlton)
- Or the grapefruit? (MR F)

-The grapefruit? How's it done? (Mr Hamlton)

- Well, it's halved, with a cherry in the center. (MR F)(body language)
-Look! I haven't paid you 20 to have some guy cut a grapefruit in half and stick a cherry in the center! (Mr Hamlton)(agressively)

-Exactly. (MR F)
-I want a Waldorf salad! (Mr Hamlton)

-Absolutely. One Waldorf salad.(leaves)And… if we can't manage the Waldorf salad? (MR F)

- I want a Waldorf salad! And to follow, a couple of filet mignons! Steaks! (Mr Hamlton)

- Steaks! (MR F)

- Done rare! Not out of a bottle! (Mr Hamlton)

-Not out of a bottle, right. (MR F)

Enters the kitchen

Gives a wine list

-Would you care to see the wine list? (Sybil)

-Thank you. (Mr Hamlton)
-May I ask, did you say you paid 20? (Sybil)

- Yes. But it's, uh not the money.I wanted dinner and …(Mr Hamlton)

-This can't be right. There's no reason chef couldn't stay. (Sybil)

MR F through a kitchen door

-I'm awfully sorry. He's forgotten already.Uh, walnuts, cheese? (MR F)

-No! No cheese! It's celery, apples, walnuts, grapes! (Mr Hamlton)

- Right! (MR F)

- In mayonnaise! (Mr Hamlton)

-Right! Now, come on! (to cheff)(MR F)

(scene in the kitchen)

-What's this about 20, Basil? (Sybil)

- There's no celery! Would you believe it? (MR F)(throws everything out of a box)

- I'll find the celery. What about this 20? (Sybil)

-He gave me 20 to keep the kitchen open. Chef wouldn't tell me where does he put things? (MR F)(frustrated)

- If you'd just look. (Sybil)
- I have looked! There's no celery, there's no grapes.Walnuts! That's a laugh! Easier to find a packet of sliced hippopotamus in suitcase sauce than a walnut in this bloody kitchen! (MR F)

- We've got apples. (Sybil)
- Terrific! We'll celebrate. We'll have an apple party. Everybody brings an apple and stuffs it down somebody's throat! (MR F)

-Basil, I will find everything. Just go and get a bottle of Volnay. (Sybil)
-What's a Waldorf, anyway? A walnut that's gone off? (MR F)(leaves)

-It's the hotel, Basil. The Waldorf Hotel in New York .Wait! Wait. Basil! Everything all right ? (Sybil)

- Yes, thank you .Never been better.(sarcastic) (MR F)
-Oh, good. (Sybil)

Comes out of a kitchen

-And by the way, I wonder, have you by any chance ever tried a Ritz salad? (MR F)

- Ritz salad? (Mr Hamlton)

-It's a traditional Old English thing. It's apples, grapefruit, and potatoes in a mayonnaise sauce. (MR F)
-No, I don't think I ever tried that .Don't think I ever will, either. (Mr Hamlton)
-That's probably pretty sound. About this Waldorf salad of yours (MR F)

-Yes? (Mr Hamlton)

-Been having a bit of a tete-a-tete with chef. We're all right on the apples, absolutely no problem with them at all .Now, on the celery front, uh perhaps I should explain, we normally get our celery delivered on a Wednesday, along with our cabbages, onions, walnuts, grapes . But this week, the driver…(MR F)

- Mr.Fawlty(Mr Hamlton)(interupts)

- He was putting…(MR F)

- I'm not interested. (Mr Hamlton) (interupts)
-He slipped forward, and the van door caught his arm and may have fractured it. (MR F)
- You don't have any. (Mr Hamlton)
- They did the x-rays, and we'll know tomorrow if they'll have to operate, and to cut a long story short, we don't have any, no.But, um so, makes you think how lucky you are! Doesn't it? I mean, here we all are, with all our limbs functioning. Quite frankly, if you've got your health, what else matters? (MR F)

- What a bunch of crap! (Mr Hamlton)

-Oh, do you think so? I always feel…(MR F)

- What the hell's going on here?! It says "Hotel" outside! Now, is this a hotel or isn't it? (Mr Hamlton) (interupts)

- Well, within reason. (MR F)

-I'm not getting through to you, am I? I stay in hotels all over the world. This is the first time I've had to bribe a chef to cook me a meal, then find out he doesn't even have the basic goddamn ingredients! Holy cow, can't you see what a crummy dump this is? (Mr Hamlton)

-You listening to this, are you(MR F)(to cheff)

- I'm talking to you! (Mr Hamlton)

- Terry, you can get out!! (MR F)(to cheff)

- Shut up and listen to me! Can't you see this ain't good enough? (Mr Hamlton)

- I see what you mean. (MR F)(quietly)
-Then you give me some half-assed story about some delivery guy busting his arm. Look, Fawlty, if your chef couldn't find the ingredients from that guy, why didn't he get them from somebody else? (Mr Hamlton)

- Exactly. Hopeless. (MR F)(quickly)
- What? (Mr Hamlton)

- Completely hopeless. (MR F)
- Right. You're the manager, aren't you? You're responsible. So what are you going to do about it? Hah? (Mr Hamlton)

-I'll have a word with him. (MR F)
-Have a word with him? Man, you gotta tell him, lay it on the line! (Mr Hamlton)

- Lay it on the line. (MR F)
-Tell him if he doesn't get on the ball, you're gonna bust his ass! (Mr Hamlton)

- Bust his? (MR F)

- I'll tell him! (Mr Hamlton)(tries to rush into the kitchen)

- No, I'll tell him! Leave it to me! I've got it. I've got it.Bust his? (MR F)(stops him)

- Ass! (Mr Hamlton)(shouts very loudly and agressively)

-Oh, that! (MR F)

(Sybil comes with a Salad)

- Here is a Waldorf salad. (Sybil)(gives it)
-But I thought... (Mr Hamlton)(confused)

Mr F shouts at cheff

- It's not good enough! Do you hear me? It's not good enough!(MR F) -But Mr.Robinson hurt his arm! -That's a bunch of ass!(MR F)- It's fine.-Why can't you make a Waldorf salad? - Waldorf salad? - Yeah.Tomorrow you get the ingredients for a Waldorf salad, or I'm going to break your bottom!(MR F) - Oh, no! You can't! -No, I mean it! (MR F)
- Everything all right? (Sybil)(while Mr F shouts)

- Yes, thank you. (Mr Hamlton)
-You're sure there's nothing? (Sybil)

-No, it's very good. (Mr Hamlton)
-Oh, good. (Sybil)
-Oh, um - your chef…(Mr Hamlton)

Mr Fawlty comes to a dining room to apologize

-Basil. (Sybil)
-Yes, dear? (MR F)

- Mr.Hamilton has his Waldorf salad, dear. (Sybil)
-No, chef couldn't make it.He didn't have the ingredients.I just smashed his backside about it. (MR F)
-But there it is. (Sybil)
-What? (MR F)

- There's the Waldorf salad. Chef found the ingredients. It's fine. (Sybil)
-Well, if he found the ingredients, why didn't he tell me? Has he been struck dumb? Has somebody torn his tongue out in the last two minutes? Maybe Robinson's arm got better. (MR F)
-I'm sorry about this. (Sybil)
-It's all right. (Mr Hamlton)
- No, it isn't. (MR F)
- It doesn't matter. (Mr Hamlton)
- It matters to me. (MR F)
- I got my Waldorf salad. (Mr Hamlton)
- Excuse me. (MR F)(takes the Salad)
- For God's sake! (Mr Hamlton)

- Chef, what's this? (MR F)

- Bring that back immediately! (Mr Hamlton)

- I'm so sorry. I'll get it back for you. (Sybil)
-Sorry? I'll give you sorry! - Get off your knees! (MR F)(to the cheff in the kitchen)

- Basil! (Sybil)(runs into the kitchen)

- I haven't finished with chef yet, Sybil. Why didn't you tell me you had found them, you stupid cow?!Eh, chef? I haven't finished! You can have it in a (MR F)…Oof!(Sybil panches Basil)

- Sorry about that little confusion. Chef hasn't been with us very long. We've just reorganized the kitchen. (Sybil)(takes back a salad)
-Thank you. (MR F)
-Oh, you haven't got your wine yet.(to Mr H) -Basil!(To Fawlty)- Won't be a moment!(to HAmlton)- Basil! (Sybil)

- Yes, my sweet? (MR F)(holds his forehead)(quietly)

-Mr.Hamilton haven't got his wine. (Sybil)
- Fine. (MR F)
- And, Basil? Has chef put the steaks on yet? (Sybil)

-I'll tell him. (MR F)

Mr Fawlty comes out of a kitchen

-Incidentally, I've been talking to chef, and we've sorted out what happened.Um, apparently he thought that he'd got two orders for Waldorf salad, and in fact, he had the ingredients, until he made one, he realized that he didn't have enough for the second.Don't let it bother you.This will explain everything. (MR F)(takes out a letter)
- What's that? (Mr Hamlton)

- A letter. (MR F)
- A letter? (Mr Hamlton)

- A letter from the chef. It explains everything. (MR F)
- A letter from the chef? (Mr Hamlton)

- He wanted to apologize personally, but I didn't want him wasting your time …(MR F)

-Look, just forget about it, will you? (Mr Hamlton)

- I'll read it for you."Dear Mr.Hamilton, I hope you are well.This is just a brief note to say that I take full responsibility for the dreadful mess-ups tonight.If I'd only listened to Mr.Fawlty, none of this fiasco would have occurred.I'd just like to tell you that such a cock-up has never occurred in my career before, and that now everything has been sorted out, I'll be back to my very best form. Signed, Terry

(Smoke from a door) (MR F)

-" What are you doing?! What do you mean, you've burned it? I've had just about enough of this.
Harry How could you forget about it? (MR F) ­-I was making another Waldorf- Making another Waldorf salad?! What are you making another Waldorf salad for?!What do you think Mr.Hamilton must think …(MR F) (notices Hamlton)

-Mr.Hamilton, may I introduce Terry… Where did he go? Where's he gone? Did you see him? Maybe he went to get something to eat. (MR F)

Smooth Operator - music

Date: 2016-03-03; view: 873