Mental Note: Never get on the wrong side of playwrights.

Tuesday 11th June

Julian congratulated me in the showers because he said my willy had doubled in size in just over a week. I had to leave the showers quite speedily because everyone started staring at my penis and arguing with Julian about whether it had grown or if it was actually getting smaller.

Mike Talisbury broke his arm at rugby practice. (He’s the under 15B flyhalf.) I think I might try my luck with Sister Collins at the san because there’s no way in hell I’ll be playing against the Kings College under 15Bs! I’ll be murdered.

Wednesday 12th June

Kings College rugby fever has already kicked in and Boggo’s opened up a tote. He’s offering 15 to 1 on our first team winning. Nobody was interested in a bet except for the Normal Seven who were forced to bet five rand each as a show of school spirit. One of the Darryls gave me a note at lunchtime. It said:

Milton the Poet

Literary Lunch

Friday 21st June

Bring your wits and first draft Alan Paton essay

Underneath it said

The Governor

Thursday 13th June

I’ve been called up to the under 15B side for a practice match against the under 15As.

Spud Milton 1976-1991

Killed on active duty

RIP

14:30 The practice match against the under 15As started ominously when Mad Dog thumped me on the back and said, ‘Spuddy, no hard feelings but it’s my job to try and kill the opposition flyhalf.’ (Rumour has it that it was Mad Dog who broke Mike Talisbury’s arm on Tuesday with a bone-crushing late tackle.) I gulped and prayed to God to send a freak lightning storm. He didn’t. Instead He sent the ball from the kickoff straight into my hands, closely followed by what felt like a missile. The air shot out of my lungs and then I was staring up at a number of faces. I was pulled to my feet and everyone clapped as I limped back to my mark. But then I heard Rambo saying, ‘Nice one, Mad Dog. Now it’s my turn.’ I tried to look calm but my insides felt like they were about to burst out of my mouth.

The kickoff sailed straight into the hands of the under 15B scrumhalf (who seems to be called Saltycocks by everyone, including the coach). Saltycocks hurled the ball to me with a panicked look on his face. I decided to get rid of the ball before I was smashed up again and I hoofed it straight into touch. Suddenly I heard an explosion and I was on my back staring at the clouds again. Then there was a shrill blast of the whistle.

Mr Andrews penalised Rambo for a late tackle. I staggered to my feet and said I was fine and then fell over again. Mr Andrews sent me back to the under 15C practice where Mongrel made me do twenty press-ups for being late.

Mental Note: Next winter take up tennis.

Saturday 15th June

KINGS COLLEGE (away game)

Bad news – the under 15Cs lost 22-16 Good news – we came closest to beating Kings College out of any team in the entire school. (The first team got pounded 36-3.)

Mongrel gave us our first compliment of the season when he said: ‘You rooinekke did not at least embarrass me today.’ I admit it wasn’t much of a compliment nor was his use of grammar up to scratch, but it’s better than being called traitors and monkey naaiers.

Most of the matrics headed off for weekend leave. For once I wasn’t jealous because the Saturday night movie was a cracker. In fact seven of the Crazy Eight (Roger fell asleep during the opening credits) voted it the greatest movie ever. Not only that, Boggo, Simon, Fatty and myself voted it the most disturbing film ever seen. It was called Silence of the Lambs. Anthony Hopkins is brilliant as the genius cannibal, Hannibal Lecter. It was so disturbing that one of the Darryls asked Julian if he could go to bed early because he was so terrified. Vern plucked a massive hole in the side of one of the common room couches and kept muttering and shaking his head. There was also a nasty scene when the serial killer (Buffalo Bill) starts dancing in the nude in his dungeon hideaway. Buffalo Bill turns around to face the camera and between his legs is nothing. He has no lunch box! There was a massive uproar in the common room. Devries stood up and called Buffalo Bill a transvestite because he had no balls. A third year called Marco told Devries he was a dickhead and that no balls means the guy’s a transsexual. Julian then shut them all up by saying that he wasn’t a transvestite or a transsexual because all Buffalo Bill had done was squeeze his lunch box between his thighs. Pike said that was impossible, so Julian pulled down his pants and proved it. Thankfully it was immediately agreed that Julian was right and we were able to get back to the movie.

Silence of the Lambs movie rating 9 (excellent)

After lights out Pike crept into the first years’ dorm and started tormenting two of the Darryls. He was doing a bad Hannibal Lecter impersonation and trying to get at least one of them to start crying. Rambo snuck up to the door and said in a deep voice, ‘Is Anthony Hopkins here tonight?’ There was dead silence from the first years’ dorm. Rambo sniggered and then said, ‘I thought not.’

I howled with laughter! It was splendid to see Pike getting some of his own medicine after abusing my acting ability at rehearsals. But Pike, as always, was not amused. He charged into our dorm and crashed into Vern who must have been creeping around in the dark near the door. Vern flew into a locker and then collapsed on the floor groaning in agony. Pike then leapt onto Boggo’s bed and started laying into Boggo. Mad Dog tore past me and launched himself at Pike who seemed to be jumping on Boggo’s stomach. Eventually we all piled on and Pike took a serious hammering.

Then Spike dived into the scrum of bodies to try and help his brother. Unfortunately for Spike, Fatty thumped him on the head with one of his size twelve rugby boots and then hurled him back through the dorm and into the first year dorm. While we all held Pike down, Mad Dog pulled off his pants and jocks. Rambo rubbed Deep Heat all over Vern’s towel and then spread it all over Pike’s balls. Pike left screaming.

Sunday 16th June

Tried to sleep in but failed dismally. I decided to have a nice long shower before all the matrics woke up and used up the hot water. Unfortunately, Runt followed me down and the two of us showered in silence. I knew he was looking at me but I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be very involved with my shower. Then out of the blue he said, ‘I saw you in Oliver last year.’ I nodded and he nodded. He didn’t say anything else which probably means he thinks I was crap.

Vern switched on the shower next to me and stared at Runt’s balls. After about ten seconds of staring he looked at the roof and blew his nose loudly on his hand. Runt stared at Vern in complete amazement. Then they both started staring at me. I decided that things were getting a bit freaky so I switched off my shower. Runt switched his off immediately and followed me. Vern, who was covered in soap, also switched off his shower and marched towards the second year drying area. I could see Runt watching me drying myself out of the corner of his eye. Vern followed me up the stairs making unhealthy breathing noises with his back and shoulders still covered in soap.

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 699