Friday 18th January

08:00 The Glock was all fire and brimstone at the first assembly of the year, although most of the school were trying to hide their sniggers at our headmaster’s ridiculous sunglasses tan. Obviously the big man had fallen asleep on his lilo again. The first years looked terrified of The Glock and he made a point of glaring at them the whole time. Hard to believe I was just like them a year ago.

11:00 I have been selected for the under 15A cricket team! The only change from last year is that Rambo has replaced Steven George who has quit cricket and taken up canoeing instead.

14:30 Anderson forced Mad Dog, who forced us, to co-apologize to Alexander Short in the san. When Sister Collins saw our faces at the door she shouted, ‘Oh Christ!’ and stubbed out her cigarette in a potty which she now seems to be using as her ashtray. She reluctantly let us in and showed us to Alexander’s bed. The new boy looked very funny with his neck in a brace and his feet dangling off the end of the bed. Vern pointed at the patient and squawked with laughter. He then realized that everyone was staring at him so he produced a very fake cough before moving across to the window and hiding behind the curtain.

Short reckons he has concussion and should be out of the san by Monday. Mad Dog apologized without really meaning it and told him that he deserved to get bounced because he didn’t wear a helmet. Alexander looked insulted and said he didn’t expect his friends to try and kill him at cricket practice. Rambo’s eyes bored into the new boy and he said, ‘Who’s talking about friends, we don’t even know you yet.’ Then there was an awkward silence so we all said we had to go and left the new boy in peace.

Fatty reckons any boy who tries to replace Gecko will be cursed by his ghost and he said it was no coincidence that the new boy had ended up in the san, Gecko’s old haunt, less than a day after his arrival. Fatty then said that Mad Dog had also broken Gecko’s arm at the beginning of last year so this was definitely a sign from Gecko’s ghost. Nobody was particularly impressed with Fatty’s theory and a loud and abusive argument began and lasted until about a hundred metres before we reached the tuck shop. That’s because Fatty was walking too fast for the rest of us to catch up.

20:30 House elections for captains and representatives.

Fatty was voted in as the house catering rep, Boggo the AV rep and Vern won a crushing win over Devries for his second term as bog monitor. (In fairness to Devries, he was set up by Pike who proposed him as a joke and then voted for Vern.) Vern punched the air with his fist when he heard the news of his victory and asked Sparerib if he could leave the house meeting immediately for a thorough bog inspection. Even Sparerib couldn’t contain himself and the entire house erupted once Vern had pulled out his notepad and pencil and marched off to the bogs.

23:00 Rambo announced that the time had come for the Crazy Eight to introduce themselves to the first years. Boggo refused point blank. (If anybody so much as looks at a first year sideways before their week of grace is over, they are guaranteed to be expelled.) Rambo accused us of being gutless cowards, so we all backed down and made our way to the first years’ dorm.

We stood in silence in our creepy old dormitory. After a long pause Rambo spoke in a deep voice. ‘Which one of you is Junior Pike?’ There was a groan and then a tired voice said, ‘Um, I’m here…’ Rambo spoke again. ‘Junior Pike, I have bad news for you.’

Junior Pike staggered out of bed and into the harsh gleam of Vern’s torch. He blinked like a mole and asked, ‘Wha… what’s happened?’ There was a pause. Rambo cleared his throat and then spoke in an icy deep voice. ‘Your mother’s dead.’

Junior Pike was struck dumb. He just stared helplessly into the light, opened his mouth and then closed it again.

‘Your mother died in a skydiving accident,’ Rambo continued. ‘She jumped out the plane but forgot to put on her parachute…’ Pike shook his head and tried to say something but Rambo told him to keep silent.

Then Boggo joined in.

BOGGO Obviously stupidity runs in the family. RAMBO Pike, your mom crashed down to earth at twice the speed of sound. BOGGO Half the speed of light. And then Mad Dog joined in.

MAD DOG Quarter the speed of my bowling! A loud guffaw. Junior Pike was by this stage beginning to look distraught.

BOGGO She was lucky to survive the fall. Relieved again.

JUNIOR PIKE So she’s okay? RAMBO Her fall was broken. BOGGO And so were her legs. More elbowing and some sniggers.

RAMBO By the power lines. BOGGO Do you have any idea how many volts of raw un-pasteurized electricity pass through those wires? JUNIOR PIKE No, I… BOGGO Well, neither do I, but I heard it’s a shit-load! RAMBO The power lines didn’t kill your mother, Pike. JUNIOR PIKE Look, there must be a mistake. My mom doesn’t skydive. RAMBO Shut up. The power lines broke her fall. MAD DOG And her legs. RAMBO And her legs. BOGGO They both fell off. RAMBO Pike, I hate to tell you this but your mother was legless. By now there were loud cackles and sniggers. I think Junior Pike smelled a rat but he was still looking half asleep and completely disorientated.

RAMBO She fell to the ground. BOGGO And landed safely on the freeway. JUNIOR PIKE Look, I don’t know what you… MAD DOG Where she was run over by a rhino. More giggling and elbowing.

BOGGO Incorrect. She was run over by a Greyhound bus. RAMBO They found her head in Bloemfontein. BOGGO And her arms outside a lesbian club in Lesotho. Vern enjoyed the lesbian in Lesotho bit and started shrieking with laughter and stomping his foot in the dustbin.

And then the lights flicked on. Anderson looked a little disturbing dressed only in striped underpants and looming over us brandishing a sawn-off hockey stick. He glared at Rambo. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Rambo didn’t answer. I have to admit the scene didn’t look good. Mad Dog was armed with his hunting and filleting knife, Rambo carried a cricket bat, while Vern was madly pulling out hair with one hand and clutching onto Potato with the other.

Next Emberton sauntered into the dorm munching away at a stick of sugar cane and looking smug. ‘Friday night and the shit hits the fan.’ He grinned at me and took another munch of sugar cane. The two prefects circled slowly like sharks at an aquarium five minutes before feeding time. By now other new boys were peeping over their lockers to see what the commotion was all about. Junior Pike scrambled to his feet and leapt back into bed.

Anderson and Emberton led the Crazy Eight back to our dormitory. In the meantime Rambo had thought of a plan and he launched into a long story about breaking down barriers and becoming friends. Anderson let him finish and then grinned. ‘What a load of horseshit! You may have fooled Luthuli last year, but I’m no fool. I know you okes. Give you a fingernail, you take the whole flippin’ arm!’

We were ordered to line up outside Anderson’s room. One by one we took our thrashing (two strokes with the sawn-off hockey stick). The only bonus was that I got to stare at a naked centrefold with huge breasts on Anderson’s wall while he was thrashing my bum.

Emberton lay on the bed and continued noshing his sugar cane while the floggings were dished out. He looked especially pleased after I started running on the spot before I could get out of Anderson’s room.

I lay in bed with my bum on fire listening to Junior Pike sniggering triumphantly in the next dorm. Sometimes I wish Rambo would just die peacefully in his sleep! (Make that shockingly run over by a rhino!)

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 738