Simply Divine (by W. Holden) 1 page

Extract 1

Jane tried to pin down the exact moment when she realised Nick didn’t fancy her any more. If she was honest, it was about six months ago. Around the time she had moved into his flat in Clapham.

‘Are you sure it’s a good idea?’ Tally had cautiously asked at the time.

‘Of course!’ Offended, Jane had rebuffed her best friend’s obvious conviction that it wasn’t with all the brio she could muster. ‘Nick needs me,’ she had explained. Tally looked unconvinced.

‘Are you sure he doesn’t just need you to pay half the mortgage?’ she asked gently.

Jane winced. Nick was not exactly famous for his generosity. Tighter than a gnat’s arse, if she was to be frank. Last Christmas she had bought him a Ralph Lauren bathrobe and a Versace shirt. Nick had reciprocated with a twig pencil and a teddy bear which had been a free gift from the petrol station.

‘Honestly, Jane,’ Tally went on, exasperated, her big grey eyes wide with sincerity, ‘you’ve got so much going for you. You’re so pretty, and funny, and clever. I just don’t understand why you’re throwing yourself away on him. He’s so rude.’

Tally was right. Nick was rude, especially after a few drinks, and especially to Tally. The fact that she was grand and had grown up in a stately home brought Nick out in a positive rash of social inferiority.

But it was all very well for Tally to be censorious, she thought defensively as she burrowed yet further beneath the duvet. It was just fine for Tally to declare she was holding out for Mr Right. Or Lord Right probably, in her case. She didn’t understand that relationships simply weren’t that straightforward. They didn’t just happen. You had to work with what you had, particularly if you were twenty-four and didn’t want to be a spinster at thirty.

‘You’ll be saying you want to marry him next,’ Tally had almost wailed. Jane judged it injudicious to confess that this was die whole point of her moving in. Not that it had worked. On the contrary, judging by present form, Nick’s plighting his troth looked more unlikely than ever. Plighting his sloth, however, had been the work of seconds.

Once Jane was on site, Nick had seen no further point in squandering both time and money on trendy restaurants when there was a perfectly good TV at home to eat Pot Noodles in front of. Similarly, all trips to cinemas, bars, concerts and parties had come to an abrupt end now that they no longer needed to leave the flat to meet each other.

Jane’s evenings consequently divided themselves between working out how to fit her clothes into the minute amount of wardrobe space Nick had allocated her and scenting and oiling herself in the grubby little bath that no amount of Mr Muscle made the faintest impression on. She, at least, was determined to keep up her standards.

Extract 2

The last of all the staff to arrive was Lulu the fashion editor, who had never seen a morning meeting yet. As always, despite being over an hour late, she gave an impression of great speed and industry, bustling in as quickly as her combination of tight black leather skin, impenetrable dark glasses and vertiginous heels would allow.

As Lulu sashayed past her desk. Jane noticed she was dragging something odd behind her. And this time it wasn’t one of her exotic collection of photographer’s assistants. ‘What’s that?’ asked Jane, staring at something long, black and rubbery trailing in Lulu’s wake.

‘It’s a symbol of Life,’ declared Lulu theatrically. ‘It represents woman’s struggle on earth.’

‘It’s an inner tube, isn’t it?’ asked Jane.

‘No,’ said Lulu emphatically. ‘Only if you insist on perceiving it that way. The circle is also a representation of the cyclical nature of Womanhood and the fact it is made of rubber refers to the eternal need to be flexible. Woman’s inheritance, in short.’ She sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘All that juggling of priorities.’

Jane snorted quietly. The only juggling of priorities Lulu did was forcing her breasts into an Alexander McQueen leather bustier.

‘Women should think themselves lucky then,’ drawled Josh’s voice from his office where he was, as usual, listening. ‘All I’m going to inherit is Parkinson’s.’

Jane grimaced. It wasn’t as if Josh needed to inherit anything. His salary, she suspected, ran well into six figures, he received more designer suits than he could wear and was courted by so many PRs he probably hadn’t paid for his own lunch for years.

‘Fancy a cup of tea, Lulu?’ Josh’s light, sarcastic tones floated across the room.

‘Josh, darling, I’d just die for one,’ breathed Lulu with her usual understatement.

‘Off you go and get one then,’ said Josh. ‘And get me one while you’re at it.’

Lulu grinned. ‘Oh, you really are ghastly, Josh.’ She always took his jibes in good part. Jane was unsure whether Lulu simply didn’t get half of them or tolerated them because she realised she had an ally in Josh. Did Lulu, after all, know what side her sushi was wasabi’d on?

‘She’s a few gilt chairs short of a Dior front row, that one,’ muttered Jane to Valentine, who had by now returned from the lawyers, as Lulu wobbled out of the office.

Josh overheard. ‘It’s so wonderful to have someone round here who knows about clothes,’ he purred, shooting a loaded look at Jane. ‘They’re a very important part of Features.’

‘Look,’ said Jane, exasperated, ‘I admit fashion’s not my area but I pull my weight, you know.’

‘Considerable weight it is too,’ said Josh, who prided himself on his lack of political correctness.

‘You could have Kim for sexual harassment, you know,’ murmured Valentine in an undertone.

Josh’s sharp ears twitched once more. ‘I assure you,’ he said silkily, taking his monocle out and polishing it, ‘there’s nothing sexual in it.’

Extract 3

The photographic studio where the fashion shoot was to be held was in a converted warehouse in Docklands. As an entry into the glamorous world of Champagne D’Vyne, the building seemed unlikely. A poky, strip-lit, hospital-like corridor issued into a tiny office where someone with their back to Jane and almost completely hidden by a vast, battered leather chair was talking very loudly into the telephone. From the voice, and the pair of white-jeaned legs visible on the desk in front, Jane assumed it to be the studio secretary. She sat down on a shabby black plastic sofa to wait for her to finish her conversation, and wondered where in the building Champagne was. She felt faintly apprehensive at meeting a real life bombshell in the flesh. Particularly when she felt such a bombsite herself.

‘What do you mean, hang on a sec?’ the girl suddenly screeched. The back of her chair wobbled violently. ‘No one tells me to wait for secs.’

Jane blinked. She’d dealt with some uppity secretaries at Gorgeous in her time, but this was a whole new ballgame. Models and photographers were, she knew, a notoriously imperious breed. She hadn’t realised their secretaries were as well.

‘Yes, I should bloody well think I’m connected.’ As she got angrier, the girl’s voice sounded increasingly like the honk of an extremely patrician goose. But not for long. Having reached the person she wanted to speak to, her voice suddenly dissolved into a syrupy, lisping, Sugar Kane wheedle.

‘Is that you, Rollsy?’ she gushed. ‘Darling, I’ve been thinking about our trip to Paris tonight. It’s just too wonderful of you to take me in your private plane but could we possibly take that glorious red Gulfstream instead of the blue one? I know I’m a silly, darling, but it’s just that my nail varnish is the wrong colour for the blue...’

Jane swallowed. Clearly, studio secretaries moved in more elevated circles than she thought. Literally.

‘The red one, darling, yes.’ A hint of the imperious honk was creeping into the girl’s breathy tones. Rollsy was obviously having trouble recalling which of his hundreds of Gulfstreams she meant. ‘You know, the one with that divine little inglenook fireplace... Yes? Fabu­lous, darling. Big kiss. Bye-ee.’ She slammed down die phone. ‘Idiot.’ With a push of her long leg, the chair swung round.

Jane found herself staring at an arrogant-looking blonde with indignant grass-green eyes and a petulant, full mouth big enough to seat a family of six. She had cheekbones like knuckledusters, cascades of shining hair and a tight white jersey top through which her nipples could clearly be seen. Jane realised it wasn’t the studio secretary at all. She was looking at Champagne D’Vyne.

‘What is going on?’ a voice behind them demanded suddenly.

A small, profoundly tanned man with intensely blue eyes, tight jeans and stack-heeled boots was standing in the doorway of the office. Three cameras, all with enor­mous lenses, were slung round his wrinkled brown neck, as were a number of thick gold chains. Jane recognised him instantly as Dave Baker, a well-known fashion photo­grapher who had launched more models than NASA had space probes. He waved furiously at Champagne, upped his huge, expensive-looking watch and frowned. ‘For nick’s sake, we haven’t got all day,’ he shouted at her. ‘Scusi my language, darling,’ he said to Jane, his Italian sitting oddly with his Cockney. ‘We’ve been here three hours already and Her Blondeness has only just turned up. Only just got out of bed, apparently – though whose I wouldn’t like to speculate.’ He turned on his stack heel in disgust and minced back in the direction of what Jane imagined was the studio.

Champagne took absolutely zero notice. Her entire attention was focused on the telephone, which had just rung again. She listened intently, then let out an indignant yell into the receiver. ‘I don’t believe it, Rollsy,’ she shouted furiously, completely abandoning her sugary tones. ‘You’ve lent it to Prince who? Well, can’t you get it back? No, the blue’s simply not on, darling. I’d have to have a whole new manicure and you know how busy I am, angel.’

Extract 4

As Champagne’s grudge against her seemed to have completely dissolved under the hot studio fights and the attention, Jane bit the bullet and suggested, after the shoot was over, that it was time to talk through the first instalment of Champagne Moments.

‘Well, it had better not take long,’ Champagne snapped, looking at her diamond-studded Carrier watch. ‘I’ve got a colonic at three,’ she announced. ‘Then a leg wax. Then Rollo’s picking me up.’

‘Fine,’ said Jane briskly, fishing out her notebook and flicking the ballpoint release mechanism of her pen. ‘Let’s be quick then. Talk me through your week. What have you been doing?’

Champagne, slumped on an orange box in the studio with her elegant legs wound round each other, fished a cigarette out of her snakeskin Kelly bag. She lit it and frowned. ‘Ah,’ she said, addressing the far wall. ‘Um,’ she added. ‘Er,’ she finished.

Jane felt panic rising slowly up her throat. Of the many difficult situations she had imagined Champagne Moments might involve, the one in which Champagne was unable to remember anything she had done had never occurred to her.

‘Um, I saw in the Sun that you had been out with Robert Redford when he came to London earlier this week,’ Jane prompted.

A slight pucker appeared between Champagnes perfectly-plucked eyebrows. Robert Redford, Robert Redford, her bee-stung lips mouthed silently. Robert Redford. After a few minutes of profound frowning, a faint glow of remembrance irradiated her face. ‘American!’ she pronounced triumphantly.

Jane nodded eagerly, encouragingly.

‘Actor,’ Champagne added a few seconds later.

Jane nodded again.

‘Oh, yah,’ pronounced Champagne eventually, her face glowing with the promise of full recollection.

The promise remained unfulfilled. Champagne could remember nothing more.

‘I suppose I had a lot of QNIs last week,’ Champagne concluded. ‘Quiet Nights In.’

Extract 5

Tally, Jane soon realised, was not your typical upper-class girl, despite having had almost a textbook grand upbringing. From what Jane could gather, her mother had wanted her to ride but Tally was almost as scared of horses as she had been of the terrifyingly capable blondes strap­ping on tack at the Pony Club. Lady Julia had managed to force her daughter to be a debutante, with the result that Tally was now on intimate terms with the inside of the best lavatories in London. ‘I was a hopeless deb,’ she admitted. ‘The only coming out I did was from the loo after everyone else had gone. I once hid in the ones at Claridge’s for so long I heard the attendant tell the manager she was going to send for the plumber.’

Tally did, however, live in a stately home, Mullions, and was the descendant of at least a hundred earls. The earls, however, had done her no favours as far as the house was concerned. ‘Trust’ was the Venery family motto. ‘I so wish it had been Trust Fund,’ Tally sighed on more than one occasion. For the heads of successive generations had, it seemed, trusted a little too much in a series of bad investments and their own skill at the card table. A sequence of earls had squandered the family resources until there was nothing left for the upkeep of a hen coop, let alone a mansion.

‘It’s embarrassing really, having such hopeless ancestors,’ Tally would say. ‘These wasn’t a Venery in sight at Waterloo or Trafalgar, for instance. But once you look at the great financial disasters, we’re there with bells on. The South Sea Bubble, the Wall Street Crash, even Lloyds; you name it, we’re there right in the middle of it, losing spectacularly, hand over fist.’

Tally’s own father, who had died in a car crash when she was small, had tried to reverse the situation as best he could while saddled with a wife as extravagant as Lady Julia. But without much success. The result was that Mullions had been more or less a hard hat area for as long as Jane had known it. Nonetheless, Tally had, after Cambridge, decided to dedicate herself to restoring her family home to its former glory, continuing the work of her father.

Highly romantic though all this sounded, in practice it seemed to consist of Tally rushing round the ancient heap doing running repairs to stop it falling down altogether, and using any time left over to apply for grants that never seemed to materialise. As time had gone on, Tally seemed to have gently abandoned hope of getting the place back on its feet. She had confessed to Jane frequently that getting it on its knees would be a miracle. ‘Although I suppose it possesses,’ she sighed, ‘what House and Garden would call a unique untouched quality.’

Tally did not look amused, Jane thought, as the tall, grave-faced figure of her friend finally appeared in the wine bar. But she certainly looked amusing. What on earth was she wearing? Tally had never exactly been a snappy dresser but even by her standards this was eccentric. As Tally threaded her way between the tables, Jane saw she had on what looked like an ancient, enormous and patched tweed jacket worn over an extremely short and glittery A-line dress.

‘You look amazing,’ Jane said, truthfully, leaping up to kiss Tally’s cold, soft, highly-coloured cheek. ‘Is that vintage?’ she asked, nodding at the dress which, at close range, looked extraordinarily well-cut and expensive, if a little old-fashioned.

‘Mummy’s cast-offs, if that’s what you mean,’ Tally answered, slotting herself in under the table and stuffing what was left of the nuts into her mouth. ‘All my clothes have fallen to bits now, so I’ve started on hers. I must say they’re very well made. The stitches don’t give an inch. When I was scraping the moss out of the drains yesterday–’

‘You surely didn’t scrape them out wearing that!’ gasped Jane. ‘It looks like Saint Laurent.’

‘Yes, it is, actually,’ said Tally vaguely. ‘But no, I wear her old Chanel for outdoor work. Much warmer. This glittery stuff’s a bit scratchy.’

‘How is Mullions?’ asked Jane. This usually was the cue for Tally to explode into rhapsodic enthusiasm about duck decoys and uncovering eighteenth-century graffiti during the restoration of the follies. This time, however, Tally’s face fell, her lips trembled and, to Jane’s dismay, her big, dear eyes filled up with tears. The end of her nose, always a slight Gainsborough pink against the translucent white­ness of the rest of her face, deepened to Schiaparelli. This, clearly, was what Tally wanted to talk about.

Extract 6

‘Now I have to tell you the worst dung of all,’ she stuttered, after Jane had banged her on the back and her eyes had stopped streaming. Jane looked at her apprehen­sively. Short of Mrs Ormondroyd and Mr Peters opening a Tantric sex workshop, it was difficult to imagine what that might be. ‘Mummy wants to sell Mullions,’ Tally's voice was as tight and dry as her face.

‘No!’ Jane gasped. This really was a disaster. Nick at his most scathing and Champagne D’Vyne at her worst paled by comparison. ‘Why?’

‘To pay for her travels. It’s her right, she inherited the house in Daddy’s will. And she can do what she likes with it – there’s no tide to hand down anymore since the Ninth Earl, my grandfather, lost it on a hen race in 1920.’ Tally paused and swallowed. ‘Mummy says the place is an old wreck and we’d be best advised to get shot of it while it is still worth something. She s-s-s-says,’ Tally gasped, her self-control deserting her, ‘that she suddenly realised she’d spent her entire life [gulp] perpetuating [sniff] an out­moded feudal system.’ Tally clapped her bony hand to her mouth as the tears spilled down her long, thin cheeks.

‘Well, she took a long time to work that out,’ said Jane. ‘Did she never get any clues from the fact she lived in a stately home with servants’ bells and a stable block?’

Tally said nothing. Both red hands were covering her face now. With a twinge, Jane saw the signet ring with the Venery family crest shining dull and gold on Tally’s little finger.

‘But you’ve had that place for four hundred years, for God’s sake,’ Jane raged, feeling suddenly furious. ‘You can’t let go of it now. Can’t you stop her?’

Tally shook her head. ‘Not unless I can come up with some brilliant plan for it to make money. But as I can’t even get grants to repair the place, I very much doubt I’ll get them to start building restaurants and things. And quite frankly, Mrs Ormondroyd’s cooking is hardly a draw.’

‘You could always marry someone rich,’ Jane suggested. ‘Then they could buy the place off Julia.’

‘Fat chance,’ said Tally miserably. ‘Who’s going to want to marry me?’ She raised her thin face hopelessly to Jane. ‘It’s not as if I’m pretty. Or rich. I’m going to die a spinster in a council house at this rate.’

‘Hang on, hang on,’ said Jane, seeing Tally wobbling at the top of the Cresta Run of self-pity. ‘What about all that stuff about Lord Right? What about finding the perfect man?’

‘Forget it,’ said Tally, flashing her a hurt, how-could-you-mention-that-now glance. ‘At the moment, I’m trying to hang on to the perfect home. Not that anyone thinks it’s perfect except m-m-m-me.’ She started to snivel again.

‘Now look,’ said Jane briskly. She was, she knew, at her best when she was trying to help other people out of trouble. Unable to solve any of her own work or Nick problems, she nonetheless felt completely confident she could sort Tally out somehow. The most appalling messes always had ingeniously simple solutions. Didn’t they?

‘There’s got to be a way out of this,’ she said decisively, sitting up straight and giving her slumped friend a challenging look. ‘We need to get you a knight in shining armour. Sir Lancelot. Or Sir Earnalot, more like.’ She grinned. Tally remained hunched and hopeless.

‘He doesn’t even have to have shining armour,’ Jane added. ‘You’ve got plenty of that standing around the Great Hall.’

‘Well, it’s not very shiny,’ sniffed Tally, ‘but Mrs Ormondroyd does her best. You know what she’s like.’

‘Half cleaner, half demolition squad,’ grinned Jane. ‘Well, a knight on a white charger then. Or, even better, a gold chargecard. A multi-Mullionaire.’

‘But where am I going to meet someone like that?’ asked Tally dismally.

Jane had to admit it was a good question. ‘Let’s have another glass and think about it,’ she said.

Extract 7

One of the bitterest pills to swallow, Jane considered, was not just that her love-life and work life were on the kind of downward trend not seen since the Wall Street Crash. Much worse was the fact that Champagne seemed set on an endless upward trajectory. For, if the first Champagne Moments column had been a sensation, the second almost caused riots. Within hours of Gorgeous appearing on the news-stands, it had sold out. People, it seemed, simply couldn’t get enough of her. Champagne’s combination of stunning beauty and astounding vacuousness seemed to have struck some kind of chord with public and media alike. The Lost Chord, a despairing Jane supposed.

Champagne, naturally, was well aware of her popu­larity. ‘If there’s no beginning to her talents,’ Jane sighed to Valentine, ‘there’s certainly no end to her demands.’ Only yesterday Champagne had called insisting Gorgeous hire a Learjet to fly her to a polo match, a request that followed hard on the Blahnik heels of a recent demand for a helicopter to take her to a shooting weekend.

‘Doesn’t she ever use roads?’ Jane had marvelled aloud.

‘Well, you always said she was an airhead,’ Valentine reminded her. Josh then amazed them both by revealing he had promised Champagne a company car as a compromise, which left Jane wondering who was com­promised, exactly. Josh had then played his trump card by saying he’d thrown in a chauffeur too.

‘She’s worth it,’ Josh said shortly. ‘Our circulation is on the up.’ But it wasn’t just her own magazine that Champagne dominated. International heavy-hitters from American Vogue to Russian Tatler were rushing to profile her. Her increasingly frequent appearances on TV trans­lated straight into column inches in the tabloids. When she appeared on Have I Got News For You, Ian Hislop, after asking Champagne how she kept her figure, had been rendered unprecedentedly speechless when Cham­pagne had said she worked out 370 days a year. The press had gone wild.

‘What would you say to those who call you an ego­maniac?’ Bob Mortimer had asked her on Shooting Stars. ‘Oh, they’re completely wrong,’ Champagne had replied. ‘I absolutely loathe eggs.’ This became Quote of the Week in every paper from the Daily Mail to the Motherwell Advertiser.

Most notorious of all was Champagne’s appearance on Newsnight when Jeremy Paxman asked her whether it was true she spent each and every night out partying. ‘Absolu­tely not,’ Champagne had replied, apparently deeply affronted. ‘As a matter of fact, I spent last night finishing a jigsaw puzzle.’

‘A jigsaw puzzle?’ Paxman had asked sardonically, raising one of his famously quizzical eyebrows.

‘Yah, and I’m bloody proud of myself,’ Champagne had declared. ‘It’s only taken me ninety-four days.’

‘Ninety-four days? Surely that’s rather a long time for a jigsaw,’ Paxman bemusedly replied.

‘Well, it said three to four years on the box,’ said Champagne triumphantly.

On the strength of this performance, negotiations to give Champagne her own chat show were well advanced.

It was odd, Jane thought, that a public, not to mention a press, that had already endured years of Caprice, Tamara, Tara, Normandie and Beverley could possibly have the stomach for yet another pouting party girl, but stomach it most certainly had. Perhaps it was, Jane mused, because Champagne seemed somehow to combine all of them. She had Caprice’s looks, Tara’s class, Tamara’s chutzpah, Beverley’s shopping obsession, and probably now close to Normandie’s money as well.

Oddly enough, Champagne never seemed to encounter any of her rivals. Jane had two theories as to why. Either they all avoided her or, as was far more likely, Champagne spent night after night with them in Brown’s, Tramp and the Met Bar but could recall absolutely nothing of it afterwards. Champagne’s memory, Jane considered, made a goldfish look like Stephen Hawking.

Not that this in any way held her back. No breakfast TV programme was complete without at least a reference to her; there was talk of her kicking off at Wembley, and rumours were beginning to circulate of a planned tribute in Madame Tussaud’s. ‘I hope that’s true,’ Jane said to Valentine. ‘I might get more information for the column out of a waxwork.’

Extract 8

Never had a day been so designed to test Jane’s patience to the full. She returned from the sandwich shop to find a letter from the BBC asking Champagne to go on Desert Island Discs and recommending she choose a mixture of contemporary and classical music. Jane snorted. Probably as far as Champagne was aware, Ravel was a shoe shop, Telemann someone who came to fix the video and Handel something that her bulging designer shopping bags were suspended from. None of this improved the fact that top of her list of jobs this afternoon was getting more column inches out of Champagne.

Jane delayed the evil moment as long as possible, rummaging about her desk and returning telephone calls, sometimes to people who hadn’t even called in the first place. Eventually, however, she bowed to the inevitable.

‘What are you doing calling this early?’ barked the sleepy, furious voice at the other end. Jane looked at the clock. ‘It’s ten past three, Champagne,’ she said with exaggerated patience. ‘In the afternoon, that is.’

‘Is it? Oh. Had no idea. Bloody late night last night,’ honked Champagne.

Jane hardly dared breathe, let alone say anything that might knock Champagne off this particular train of thought. Like a truffling pig, she had caught the first tantalising whiffs of that rare and precious commodity Anecdote. ‘Really?’ she asked gently. ‘What were you doing?’

‘Went to the races with Conal. Bloody good fun, actually.’

‘Which ones? Sandown? Kempton Park?’

‘No, the East End somewhere.’

Jane frowned. Which of the racecourses was actually in London? None, as far as she knew.

‘Bloody funny horses,’ Champagne continued. ‘Really weird and small-looking. Went bloody fast, though.’

The penny dropped. ‘Do you mean you’ve been to Walthamstow?’ Jane gasped. ‘The dog track?’ Conal O’Shaughnessy had clearly been attempting to inculcate Champagne into working-class culture. Jane was not sure how successful he’d been.

‘Yah, and then we went for supper,’ Champagne recalled after a few minutes’ hard thought. ‘Conal tried to make me have a green Thai curry but I told him no way was I going to eat anything made out of ties. Particularly green ones. Hermes ones I might have considered.’

Extract 9

‘What’s bitten you?’ Jane asked. She had just arrived in the office to find Josh with a face like thunder.

‘Only that Luke Skywalker’s had an accident ski-ing,’ Josh grumbled. Luke Skywalker was the Gorgeous astro­loger. Or, rather, the astrologer for Gorgeous. Even the most flattering of byline pictures had not succeeded in making Luke’s unkempt, stringy hair, large nose and doleful eyes appealing. And he probably looked much worse now.

‘Oh, poor Luke,’ said Jane. ‘Is he OK?’

‘Not really,’ said Josh irritably. ‘The clumsy bastard mashed into a rock and now he’s got amnesia. Can’t even remember the past, let alone predict the future. You’d have thought he’d have seen it coming.’

Jane raised her eyebrows as she sat down and started to poke about her desk. In an attempt to impose some order on the chaos of her life, she had recently taken to noting down the next day’s most important tasks on a Post It before she left the office the evening before. This morning, she gazed at the little primrose sticker and sighed. Top of the list was ringing Champagne.

She tried the mobile last. It ground away, unanswered. Jane had just decided to put it down when someone at the other end picked it up.

‘Yah?’ barked Champagne, over what sounded like loud banging and sloshing sounds in the background.

‘It’s Jane. How are you?’ asked Jane, trying to sound enthusiastic.

‘Fine. Just got back from shooting, in fact,’ honked Champagne. ‘With the Sisse-Pooles in Scotland. Bloody awful.’

‘Oh, I hate blood sports too,’ agreed Jane, starting to scribble down the conversation for the column. ‘So dreadfully cruel.’

‘Hideously cruel,’ Champagne agreed, much to Jane’s surprise. ‘Making people stagger over the moors in the peeing rain wearing clothes the colour of snot is absolutely the worst, the most inhuman thing you can do to anyone. Let’s face it,’ Champagne added, in the face of Jane’s stunned silence, ‘I’m just not an outdoor type of girl. The only hills I care about are Beverly.’

And the only kind of shoots you care about are movie ones, the only Moores you’re interested are Demi and Roger and the only bags that grab you are by Prada, thought Jane, working up the theme for the new column and scribbling furiously. And we all know whose butts you’re most interested in at the moment. Unless, that is, you’ve been poached by a loaded gun.

Date: 2014-12-29; view: 906