Renewed

Nathanial

I blinked, waiting for her to respond. It was true, I would have followed her anywhere—there was nothing I believed more in that moment as I stared at her with weary eyes. Her pudgy bottom lip quivered and her breath quickened.

“What about your job?” she asked, her voice timid and shaky.

I shrugged. “It’s not as important as you.” I reached my arm out, encouraging her to move closer. She scooted across the bench and sunk into my embrace.

“Nate, I want to do something with my life.”

“I know.”

“I’m not sure that you understand.”

“I understand that you’re still mourning.”

“It’s not about Jake anymore.” It seemed like his name was becoming much easier for her to say.

I leaned back so I could see her face. “What is it then?”

“I’m trying to figure myself out.”

“I am, too,” I said instantly.

“Then why did you come here, honestly?”

“Because a ten-year-old kid made me realize that I’m in love with you, Ava. All of you.”

She took in a quick breath.

“I said I love you. Did you hear me?”

She nodded, eyes wide.

“That part I’ve got figured out,” I said. “The rest is a bit blurry.”

She looked away and then her eyes quickly darted back to mine. “Okay, but what do you want?”

“I want to be with you. I know that for sure.”

“I came here to figure myself out. I need more purpose in my life. I don’t know what my life will look like in five years.”

“No one does. We just have to dream it up then chase it,” I told her.

“I think I want to be a nurse,” she said.

I chuckled. “Well, that might make things easier.”

“But not because of you.”

“Oh, okay.”

“I need to do it on my own. I want to help people. I’ve always wanted to and I know that I can now.”

“What about the horses?”

“That was another life.” She looked up to the sky and took three deep breaths. “I don’t know, I feel like I’m remembering who I was before Jake, and I remember wanting to be a nurse. The horses were always just a hobby until I met him.”

“I will do everything in my power to help you reach that goal, Ava.”

“Thank you,” she said.

She started to speak again but before she could get anything out I said, “But first I want to know how you feel about me.” The sun was coming up and she shivered in my arms. “I have a hotel room. Let’s get some sleep. But later I want an answer.”

“Okay.”

At the last minute, before I had left the States, I had booked a room at one of the nicest hotels in Barcelona. Ava’s weary eyes opened wide when we entered the extravagant lobby. Inside the elevator, I held her against my side. We were both unsteady with exhaustion, using each other as anchors.

Once inside my suite, she looked around in wonder. “I’ve never been to a place like this.” She gazed at the large four-poster bed, piled high with a rich-looking maroon duvet. She peeled off her dress as she moved past me before throwing herself into the mess of covers. “Oh, this is wonderful,” she mumbled into the pillows. “I wish I weren’t so tired so I could enjoy this.”

I went to the side of the bed and stared down at her. She rolled onto her back, her eyes closed and a small, lazy smile gracing her lips.

I took my clothes off, leaving only my boxers, and slid in next to her. I spooned her from behind, cocooning her.

“In the morning . . . ,” she sighed.

“It is the morning,” I answered.

“Then tonight.”

“What’s that, baby?”

“We’ll start chasing it . . . the dream.”

“I’m doing that now. Let’s sleep.” I kissed the back of her head and listened for a few minutes until her breaths became even.

Dozing off, I could hear thunder in the distance and a slow patter of rain against the window. The room got darker and the constant sound of the droplets against the window, along with Ava in my arms, made falling asleep pure bliss.

In the evening, a light from the bathroom awoke me. The water in the bathtub was running and I could see the blur of Ava’s body moving about. When I entered the bathroom, she was completely naked, bent over the faucet of the huge sunken tub, testing the water temperature.

I came up behind her and smoothed my hand over her backside. She stood up straight, surprised at my presence. I pulled her against me and she let her neck fall to the side, giving me full access. I kissed the space below her ear and felt her relax against my body. Finally, she turned out of my embrace to face me. “It rained a lot today,” she said as she moved in and kissed the hollow of my neck.

“Yes. It’s still raining now.”

She hummed lightly against my chest. “The rain is good.”

“After the bath, I think we should sit on the veranda and wait until the rain stops.”

“What will we do after the rain?”

“After the rain, you’ll make a decision. I want you to come back with me, when you’re ready of course, but I want you to live with me.”

She made no indication that she would say yes or no.

In the bathtub she said few words. I sat behind her, caressing her arm and kissing her shoulder and neck. “What are you thinking about?” I asked.

“I was just thinking that the odds are pretty good that you won’t kill yourself.”

“People would start getting suspicious, don’t you think?”

The sweet sound of her laugh echoed in the bathroom. “I’ve never laughed about it because it’s so tragic.”

“It really was a tragedy that Jake wasn’t equipped to overcome that kind of adversity, but you’re still here.” It was quiet again. She didn’t respond. “Is fear the only thing holding you back? Please tell me it has nothing to do with that night I left you at the restaurant.”

“Nothing is holding me back. I’m here with you, in your arms.”

“But you haven’t told me how you feel.”

“You said after the rain.”

She turned and straddled me and it wasn’t long before there was water sloshing and spilling over the edges. I looked at her warm, smooth skin in the dim light and watched as little droplets of water trickled down to the buds of her breasts. I licked and sucked and then pulled her forcefully against me. “I want you in the bed,” I growled.

She whimpered but didn’t answer so I stood, rather clumsily, and lifted her out of the tub at the same time. I marched to the bed with her in my arms, sopping wet, and laid her down. She giggled but her smile disappeared quickly when she saw how serious I was. Her nipples were hard. I pressed my hand against the center of her chest and felt that her skin was very hot. I hovered over her as she looked up at me with big brown eyes. “What are you doing?” she whispered.

“Just looking at you.” I grabbed her from behind the thighs and pulled her to the edge of the bed so she was open to me. I stood between her open legs, watching her chest rise and fall with her hurried breaths, her black hair wet and trailing above her. Slowly, she lifted her arms above her head, presenting her body to me. Her back arched off the bed and her knees fell to the sides as she opened herself wider to me. My heart was racing, all of the blood in my body rushing to the center. She looked away from me to the side. Even with no makeup on, her cherry lips stood out brightly against her skin.

“Look at me.” She looked back up as I bent and kissed each breast, my hands resting on her hips. She seemed uneasy. Her eyes looked urgent. “What is it?”

“You have to touch me.” I could feel her heat against my thigh and her body bucked slightly toward me. She wanted me and I was teasing her, making her wait. I stood up straight. Hovering over her, I placed my index finger on her belly and ran it south very lightly until I was touching her soft flesh. Her eyes closed and she turned her head away again.

“Open your eyes, Ava. I want to see you.”

I plunged two fingers in and let my thumb draw circles until she was writhing against me. I could feel her falling apart as her body tightened around my fingers. Just before she came, her back arched again, her eyelids fluttered, and her mouth opened in awe. I removed my hand and barreled into her while her body was still quaking from the orgasm. My hands met hers above her head, holding her in place as I moved in and out. She relaxed, letting me find a rhythm. Her hands gripped my sides, pulling me closer, her lips near my ear, kissing and sucking and making sweet sounds until I felt her reaching the pinnacle again. Arching her body into me, she went rigid. I could feel her release pulsing all around me. She came over and over until I finished, and then I collapsed on top of her. Both of our bodies were coated in sweat. I kissed her for a long time and then moved down her neck until I fell asleep, gripping her body to mine.

When we woke, the rain had stopped. We went out onto the veranda wearing matching black hotel robes. The sun peeked through the clouds.

She leaned over the balcony ledge to look out as I wrapped my arms around her from behind. “Please talk to me.”

“Fear is mainly what’s holding me back. I need to learn to find a balance so that I don’t fear life without someone.”

“That’s not a very romantic sentiment.”

“I had stars in my eyes before. I idealized what Jake and I had. I was only with him for a year and a half. We were only just getting to know each other. I let him pull me in so much that I didn’t think I could go on without him.”

“Isn’t that how you’re supposed to feel?”

“Listen to you. You’re suddenly the expert on love.”

“I know a few things when it comes to matters of the heart.”

“Well, Dr. Meyers, do tell.”

“Love is selfless. The other night I proved to you how selfish I could be, but I won’t make that mistake again. I think I know what needs to be done, but first you have to tell me where you want to be.”

“I want to be with you.”

I tightened my grip around her. “Then we’ll go back.”

“No, you’ll go back. I’m going to stay with my mom for a while and take classes here. That’s my decision.”

“Here, as in Spain?” I turned her so we were face-to-face. My own expression must have been shocked.

She arched her eyebrows and answered definitively, “Yes.”

“But you said you wanted to be with me.”

“I do, but you have to learn how to give more, and I have to learn how to give less.” I knew what she meant. We needed a balanced relationship, and neither one of us was emotionally ready for what that meant. A small smile touched her lips.

“I’m not sure what you’re saying, Ava.”

Her hand came up and caressed my jaw. “I’m in love with you, Nate, so much so that I don’t want to screw anything up. I’m afraid that if I go back now, that’s what will happen. All I’m asking for is a little time.”

“How long?”

“One year.”

I swallowed, shocked. My eyes shot open. “One year? I’m not going to see you for a year?”

She nodded. “That way we’ll know.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “I know what I want now.”

“Don’t you want to be sure?”

“I am sure.”

“Nate, a year from now I’ll still be young and so will you, but at least in that time you can figure out where you want to practice for good and I can go back to school, something I should have done a long time ago.”

“I thought I was going to practice in Montana.”

“You said we needed to figure out the dream and chase it. What is your dream, Nate? Where do you want to live for the rest of your life? I know it’s not Montana. If I weren’t in the picture, wouldn’t you want to be closer to your mom and dad, especially if you have kids?”

“I guess. But what about you?”

“I can live anywhere.”

“Why can’t we date or take things slow while we’re figuring it out?”

“Because you and I aren’t capable of slow. I think we’ve proved that.”

“This is insane.” My voice started to rise uncontrollably. “So, does this mean we can’t talk on the phone or email?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m asking you for a year so I can get completely straightened out. I’m going back to school, and I think you should go back to L.A.”

I blinked, still trying to figure out how to change her mind. “Is L.A. even some place you’d want to live?”

“Yes, and you won’t change my mind,” she said.

“A lot can happen in a year, Ava.” What if she found someone else?

“I want to be with you. I love you and that won’t change in a year.” Her tone was determined.

I nodded, even though the prospect of what we were about to do scared the life out of me.

We took the subway to her mom’s apartment. On the doorstep I spun her around to face me. “I don’t know how I’m going to be away from you.”

Her grin widened. “You’ll be in my heart.”

“No heart jokes.”

I leaned in and kissed her deeply, wondering if it would be the last time.

“Goodbye, Nate Meyers. You’ve made me better, but I want to be the best I can be for you and for myself.” Her voice was shaky. “It’s going to be hard for me, too.”

I shook my head and looked down at my shoes. “I still don’t understand.”

“You will.”

“What if we don’t make it?”

Tears streamed down her cheeks. I wiped them away with my thumb and felt my own eyes start to water. She shook her head and shrugged.

“We’re gambling with what we have,” I said.

“It would be more of a gamble if we didn’t take this time. Look what’s happened so far.”

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Ava. I think about you more than anything. I can see a future with you. You’ll break my heart, you know, if this doesn’t work out.” I brought her to my chest and hugged her.

“I will see you a year from today—June fourteenth, two thousand and eleven.”

“Where?”

“Wherever you are, I’ll find you, if it’s meant to be. Just please let me grow up and figure myself out. I want to live, and I owe that to myself.”

It was so hard for me to let her go. I continued to drag out our goodbye.

“What can I do? I don’t know what to do.”

“Go back to L.A. and build a life there.”

“I feel like you’re breaking up with me.”

She sniffled and shook her head. “Please, let me go.”

“I can’t. Please don’t do this,” I pleaded.

“It’s not forever.”

“It could be.”

She pulled out of my embrace and squared her shoulders and jutted her chin out at me. “One year.”

“I’ll stalk you,” I said.

She laughed and then started crying again. “One year,” she whispered this time, looking pained. She leaned up on her toes and kissed me. Her mouth stayed closed but she let her lips rest on mine for more than a few seconds, and then she was gone.

CHAPTER 25

Date: 2014-12-29; view: 765