Love Is Fear

Nathanial

My hand throbbed. I knew I had a fracture from punching that guy, but at the moment Ava had my attention. Her eyes were sunken, her skin pale when I found her. When she fell to the ground into hysterics, I could see that the guy was startled. I knew what she was seeing in the image of a man lying on the floor, bleeding. I knew what she was feeling. The frustration of knowing it’s too late and there’s nothing to be done.

“Come on,” I urged, but she couldn’t hear me. She looked distant and lost in thought.

In the truck she rolled down the window and let the rain wash over her. Halfway home, the rain stopped but there was lightning in the distance, and the air grew warmer as we approached the ranch. I pulled over at the end of the long dirt driveway.

Her eyes were closed and her hair had dried in the wind. I pulled her off the door and rolled up the window then laid her down across the bench seat. She was asleep. I sucked air in through my teeth when I bent my hand awkwardly, feeling the strain of the fracture in the knuckle of my index finger. Ava stirred.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Nothing, don’t worry.”

She sat up and moved toward me, taking my hand in hers. She kissed it. “I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Wasn’t it, though?” Her voice was strained.

I cupped her face, turning her toward me. “Listen to me. It wasn’t your fault, just like Jake wasn’t your fault.”

She pulled away and looked out the passenger window. I started the truck and headed up the driveway. It was the middle of the night but Redman was awake, sitting in the rocker on the porch, smoking his pipe. I cut the engine, got out, and walked quickly to the passenger side. After helping Ava out, I looked up to see Bea standing in the doorway, waiting.

“Bring her here, Nathanial.”

Bea stepped out of the doorway and reached for Ava’s hand. “Come here, sweetie. Let’s give you a bath.”

“You stay here, son,” Redman demanded, pointing to the other rocker. His eyes looked hollow in the darkness and his voice was raspy. “I appreciate you going to get her.”

“I didn’t expect you and Bea to be here; I thought you were staying one more night?”

“Bea wanted to get back, and I wanted to have a talk with you.”

“Okay, sure.”

“I know what you did. In a matter of days, you’ve made some big life changes. For Avelina, I’m guessing?”

“Everyone keeps telling me what my motives are. I want to get to know her, that’s all. I can’t do that from L.A.”

“But the simple truth is you quit your job to see about a girl.”

“Yeah, I suppose I did.”

“She may never get over what she’s gone through.” He blew smoke directly into the lantern light, stunning a swarm of tiny moths.

“I have to try.”

He turned toward me, and even though I couldn’t see his shadowed face I knew he could see mine, facing the light. “Well, I suppose she needs to learn that there are as many ways to love as there are to die.”

I nodded. I understood very well what Redman was trying to say. Ava didn’t have to stop loving Jake or mourning him to move on and live her life, just the same way that one mistake would not define my career, even if the consequences were great.

I stood and walked past Redman through the front door. Ava was sitting on the couch in a blue terry-cloth robe, probably one of Bea’s. She was unaware as I stood there watching Bea brush out her long hair. For several moments I was deep in thought, wondering if perhaps I was trying to save her, and why.

“Bea, can I stay here tonight?” They both turned at the same time. Ava smiled faintly.

“Of course, honey, the room is yours.”

“Thank you.”

In the bathroom, while I searched the cabinet for aspirin, I felt a presence behind me. I turned to see Ava standing in the doorway.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Can I see your hand?” She approached me.

I held it out to her and watched her examine it. “I know you’re the doctor but I think I should put a splint on this finger. It’s quite swollen and it looks like you might’ve fractured or bruised the knuckle.”

“How do you know all that?” I smiled and she returned it with a serene look.

“This happened to Jake often. The rope wraps on the horn were so tight he’d get his fingers caught in them sometimes when he was competing.”

I looked from our hands up to her eyes as she examined the bruised knuckle. “Okay, splint it. I trust you.”

She nodded and then left, returning a moment later with medical tape and broken popsicle sticks. She held them up. “The hillbilly way.”

I laughed but then winced as she wrapped the tape around my knuckle.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, you’re doing great. You’re a natural.”

There were a few unbearable moments of silence after she finished the wrap. I felt that familiar pull toward her whenever I’d get close enough, like two magnets as they inched closer together. I ached to take her in my arms, but I was worried she’d pull away.

“Maybe, I can stay with you in the guest room. It’s almost dawn and I’m tired, but I want to talk to you,” she said.

“Of course.”

We moved from the bathroom to the guest room. Bea walked by and pushed the door open wide. “Have some manners, you two.”

We lay down on top of the comforter, me fully dressed and her in the fluffy robe. We faced each other on our sides. “Nate, I’m sorry about earlier.”

“All is forgiven. I’m sorry, too. Olivia, the woman you heard on the phone, is an old friend; there’s nothing between me and her. I wish I had the words at the moment to explain that to you, but I was so relieved to hear your voice that I could think of nothing else.”

“I want to start over. I want to learn how to be less of a wreck.” Her eyes filled with tears.

“You’re not a wreck. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”

She nodded, looking up to the ceiling. “Every time I think I’m over it, everything comes rushing back.”

“You don’t have to let it go.”

“I know, but it’s not letting go that scares me. Life is no longer precious when you have nothing to lose, and that’s the place I’ve been living all these years since Jake. I’ve been indifferent. But now I can feel the fear coming back. It comes back even stronger when you know there’s something to be lost again.”

It was her first real expression of her feelings for me. “I’ve never loved and lost, but I’m scared, too.”

She closed her eyes and within a few moments her breaths steadied. I wondered what it would be like to lose someone the way Ava had at such a young age.

The four-week roller coaster of my life was clicking back up the tracks. I was at that point when you reach the peak before falling and you think maybe you want off, that maybe they can stop it. But I don’t think you can stop once you start falling. At least I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to. It’s as exhilarating as it is terrifying to fall in love.

I pulled her into me, rested my chin on her head, and filled my lungs with her sweet scent.

In the morning, she was gone. I scurried past the kitchen, hoping Bea wouldn’t see me. “Slow down,” she hollered. “Get in here and eat something.”

She slopped a ladleful of grits onto a plate and handed it to me. “There’s Velveeta, or you can have corn flakes for your grits.”

I felt myself starting to gag. “How about some fruit. Can I have fruit?”

“Sure honey, check in the fruit bowl.”

I tried not to breathe through my nose as I slurped up the bland grits, occasionally chomping off a bite of apple for flavor. Caleb sat across from me eating his grits, which were swimming in Velveeta cheese. It really was a small miracle, with the amount of red meat and cheese these people ate, that they weren’t all wracked with heart disease. Their diets were so heavy in cholesterol that I couldn’t help but visualize the plaque buildup in their arteries each time they took a bite.

“Where’s Ava this morning?”

“She’s working that filly,” Bea answered. “Caleb got some barrels and set up a track for her in the field below.”

“That was nice of you, man.”

He nodded, not looking up from his bowl.

I left the kitchen and walked down the dirt road to the small arena where Ava was riding the gorgeous black filly. The horse’s movements were even more graceful than Dancer’s as Ava galloped her back and forth. I took a seat on the top slat of the wooden corral. When she spotted me she steered the horse over to where I was sitting.

“What’s her name?” I asked.

“I hadn’t named her until now, actually.” She was smiling, her hair was floating down her back, and her cheeks were pink from the cool air hitting her face.

“Well?”

“Shine.”

“It’s perfect for her . . . and for you.”

“Red told me you took a job in Missoula.”

“Yes.”

“That’s great. How’s your hand? Will you be able to do surgery?” Her eyebrows were pinched together in a worried expression.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I need to get to the hospital, though, and take care of some things. And I have a place now, not that far from here. I want to take you there but it’s not ready.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll call you this week then maybe . . .” I was suddenly very nervous. “Maybe I can take you out to dinner next weekend . . . on a date?”

“I would like that.” Her bottom lip quivered. “Nate?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you for last night. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Her voice cracked and her eyes brimmed with tears.

I cleared my throat and jumped down from the fence. Holding my hand out to her, I said, “I’m Nate and you’re gorgeous. What’s your name?” She giggled. “I like that sound.”

“I’m Ava.”

“Nice to meet you, Ava.” We shook hands. “Can I take you out this weekend?”

Shine started getting antsy. Ava pulled her in a circle. “I have to run her a bit. Bye, Nate.”

She took off in the other direction. “You didn’t answer me,” I yelled. “Will you go out with me?”

“Yes, cowboy,” she yelled back.

Later that day at the hospital, I chose to wear my boots with my scrubs. I assisted on an angioplasty and when Abbie, the scrub nurse, looked down at the booties over my boots, she laughed.

“What?”

Smiling, she said, “I like your boots. I didn’t take you for a cowboy.”

“It’s a state of mind, Abbie, plain and simple.”

“We’ve all been calling you Hollywood.”

I laughed loudly. “I will spare you my John Wayne impression.”

CHAPTER 17

Date: 2014-12-29; view: 907