Chapter 20

When your mom told you life isn't fair, she wasn't kidding.

The next day we're off to the obstacle course again. Avi isn't with us, so we're without a team leader. Liron said Sergeant B-S called him into his office, and nobody has seen him since.

Determined to master the monkey bars, I take a deep breath when it's my turn and swing my body from one bar to the next. My team cheers me on... even Tori, who has lost a tiny bit of her edge. We've fallen behind because of me, but when I finish the monkey bars without help and everyone claps for me, I catch a genuine smile on Tori's face as she congratulates me.

We still lose the race to Liron's team, but not by much. I think our team has finally become a cohesive unit, bolstered and strengthened by each other. When we all give high fives to each other, I catch sight of Avi standing next to Sergeant B-S. They both have very serious expressions on their faces.

Avi tells us we did a good job, then pulls me aside.

"If you're gonna tell me I should have gone up that rope by myself, I just couldn't," I tell him. "Next time I'll try. I promise."

"It's not about the rope, Amy."

He's definitely concerned about something. "What's wrong?"

Its your safta.

My grandma? I swallow hard, thinking the worst. She has cancer, but I thought she was doing okay. Was I wrong? "Is...is she okay?" I hardly get the words out because there's a lump in my throat.

"Your father called. She was taken to the hospital last night and he thinks you should go there. Just in case."

"Just in case oduhati"

He shrugs. "I don't know."

"What exactly did he say?"

"Sergeant Ben-Shimon gave me a forty-eight hour leave and use of a car. Come on, we can talk about it on the way."

I say my goodbyes to everyone in my unit. Even though Avi and I are abandoning them, Sergeant B-S says he'll take over as team leader for the next forty-eight hours until Avi comes back. My farewell is filled with tears, because I'm not coming back. And while I hated being here, I loved it too.

It takes me less than a half hour to pack up. Avi accompanies me to the bittan and doesn't leave my side the entire time. In the car, we're finally alone--without military restrictions or rules.

"So what did my dad say?" I ask.

"He said not to panic until they know more. He just wanted you with the family in case it's something serious."

"What if she's dying?"

"Don't start thinking the worst."

"That's like telling my dog Mutt not to smell crotches."

He looks sideways at me as he drives. "Is that why you think the worst of me?"

"You kissed Liron more than once. I didn't make it up."

"I admitted to kissing Liron. When you kissed Nathan, I heard you out and we got past it. Why won't you hear me out?"

I might as well tell him the truth. "Because I'm afraid."

"Of the truth?"

Of course. The truth hurts most of the time. I have a history of pushing people away in an effort to avoid the truth. "Yeah," I tell him. "I'm afraid of the truth. I think of you being attracted to someone else, and I feel sick. And when I visualize you kissing someone else, the pain is just too great. I thought you, of all people, would never disappoint me."

I look out the window, trying to avoid looking right at Avi.

Admitting how much his betrayal has affected me makes me vulnerable.

"I've been waiting for some hint that you want to fight for us."

"I'm done fighting," I say.

"I'm not."

"It's an occupational hazard for you. You're a soldier, trained to fight."

"So what do you want, Amy? You want to be enemies? Friends?"

"Friends sounds good. You know, what we are without the dating part. That way, I have no expectations." Maybe Noah has it right...

no expectations means you don't get hurt.

Avi takes a deep breath. "If just being friends is what you want, I'll give you that. But when you're ready to fight for more, let me know. Because nothing is as intense as when we're together.

Admit it."

"I admit it. But who says intense is best?"

"Me. And you, if you'd just open your eyes long enough to realize we might not be the most perfect couple, but were better together than apart. Truth is, I'm afraid of losing you," he blurts out. "I know this probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but we don't have many chances to be alone. Nathan isn't the one--you know that.

Sure, he talks a lot. Each word out of me is a struggle sometimes.

But you and I... Amy..." He hesitates, and I can just feel him trying to get the right words out to express his feelings. For a guy who hardly ever talks in public, expressing emotion out loud is harder than shooting a flea a hundred meters away. "We're just right."

The problem is, I don't think my heart can handle another Avi breakup. I'm programmed to be emotional; I can't help it. For better or worse, my attitude and "drama queen-ness" defines who I am. Avi, on the other hand, is emotionally and drama-challenged. And although I came on this boot camp program in order to see him, maybe it was God's way of hinting that we're just too different.

"I'm always going to be afraid a smarter girl or a prettier girl is going to lure you away from me. Listen, I don't blame you for being attracted to Liron. She's beautiful, she can scale walls, climb ropes, and she carries a rifle. If I liked girls, I'd go for her too."

"Just hear me out, okay?"

My resolve is weakening fast. I have the childish urge to cover my ears with my palms and sing la, la, la, la, la, la so I don't hear what happened between Avi and Liron. But I guess I can't hide from the truth forever.

"Okay, Avi. Tell me why you kissed Liron."

Date: 2015-02-28; view: 730