A WARNING TO BEGINNERS

in England * everything is the other way round. On Sundays on the

Continent even the poorest person puts on his best suit, tries to look

respectable, and at the same time the life of the country becomes gay and

cheerful; in England even the richest peer or motor-manufacturer dresses in

some peculiar rags, does not shave, and the country becomes dull and dreary.

On the Continent there is one topic which should be avoided - the weather;

in England, if you do not repeat the phrase 'Lovely day, isn't it?' at least

two hundred times a day, you are considered a bit dull. On the Continent

Sunday papers appear on Monday; in England - a country of exotic oddities -

they appear on Sunday. On the Continent people use a fork as though a fork

were a shovel; in England they turn it upside down and push everything -

including peas - on top of it.

On a continental bus approaching a request-stop the conductor rings the

bell if he wants his bus to go on without stopping; in England you ring the

bell if you want the bus to stop. On the Continent stray cats are judged

individually on their merit - some are loved, some are only respected; in

England they are universally worshipped as in ancient Egypt. On the

Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners.

On the Continent public orators try to learn to speak fluently and

smoothly; in England they take a special course in Oxonian stuttering. On

the Continent learned persons love to quote Aristotle, Horace, Mon taigne

and show off their knowledge; in England only uneducated people show off

their knowledge, nobody quotes Latin and Greek authors in the course of a

conversation, unless he has never read them.

On the Continent almost every nation whether little or great has openly

declared at one time or another that it is superior to all other nations;

the English fight heroic wars to combat these dangerous ideas without ever

mentioning which is really the most superior race in the world. Continental

people are sensitive and touchy; the English take everything with an

exquisite sense of humour - they are only offended if you tell them that

they have no sense of humour. On the Continent the population consists of a

small percentage of criminals, a small percentage of honest people and the

rest are a vague transition between the two; in Eng land you find a small

percentage of criminals and the rest are honest people. On the other hand,

people on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in Eng land they

hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth.

Many continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket is a

game.

*When people say England, they sometimes mean Great Britain, sometimes

the United Kingdom, sometimes the British Isles - but never England.

INTRODUCTION

this is a chapter on how to introduce people to one another. The aim of

introduction is to conceal a person's identity. It is very important that

you should not pronounce anybody's name in a way that the other party may be

able to catch it. Generally speaking, your pronunciation is a sound

guarantee for that. On the other hand, if you are introduced to someone

there are two important rules to follow.

1.If he stretches out his hand in order to shake yours, you must not

accept it. Smile vaguely, and as soon as he gives up the hope of shaking you

by the hand, you stretch out your own hand and try to catch his in vain.

This game is repeated until the greater part of the afternoon or evening has

elapsed. It is extremely likely that this will be the most amusing part of

the afternoon or evening, anyway.

2.Once the introduction has been made you have to inquire after the

health of your new acquaintance. Try the thing in your own language.

Introduce the persons, let us say, in French and murmur their names. Should

they shake hands and ask: б??Comment aliez-vous?' 'Comment aliez-vous?' - it

will be a capital joke, re membered till their last davs. Do not forget,

however, that your new friend who makes this touchingly kind inquiry after

your state of health does not care in the least whether you are well and

kicking or dying of delirium tremens. A dialogue like this:

he: 'How d'you do?'

You: 'General state of health fairly satisfactory. Slight insomnia and

a rather bad corn on left foot. Blood pressure low, digestion slow but

normal.' - well, such a dialogue would be unforgivable. In the next phase

you must not say 'Pleased to meet you.' This is one of the very few lies you

must never utter because, for some unknown reason, it is considered vulgar.

You must not say 'Pleased to meet you,' even if you are definitely disgusted

with the man. A few general remarks:

1. Do not click your heels, do not bow, leave off gymnastic and

choreographic exercises altogether for the moment.

2. Do not call foreign lawyers, teachers, dentists, commercial

travellers and estate agents 'Doctor.' Everybody knows that the little word

'doctor' only means that they are Central Europeans. This is painful enough

in itself, you do not need to remind people of it all the time.

THE WEATHER

this is the most important topic in the land. Do not be misled by

memories of your youth when, on the Continent, wanting to describe someone

as exceptionally dull, you remarked: 'He is the type who would discuss the

weather with you.' In England this is an ever-interesting, even thrilling

topic, and you must be good at discussing the weather.

EXAMPLES FOR CONVERSATION

For Good Weather

'Lovely day, isn't it?' Isn't it beautiful?' 'The sun . . .' 'Isn't it

gorgeous?' 'Wonderful, isn't it?' It's so nice and hot. . .' 'Personally, I

think it's so nice when it's hot- isn't it?' 1 adore it - don't you?'

For Bad Weather

'Nasty day, isn't it?' Isn't it dreadful?' 'The rain . . . I hate rain

. . .' 1 don't like it at all. Do you?' 'Fancy such a day in July. Rain in

the morning, then a bit of sunshine, and then rain, rain, rain, all day

long.' I remember exactly the same July day in 1936.' 'Yes, I remember too.'

'Or was it in 1928?' 'Yes, it was.' 'Or in 1939?' Tes, that's right.' Now

observe the last few sentences of this conversation. A very important rule

emerges from it. You must never contradict anybody when discussing the

weather. Should it hail and snow, should hurricanes uproot the trees from

the sides of the road, and should someone remark to you: 'Nice day, isn't

it?' - answer without hesitation: Isn't it lovely?' Learn the above

conversation by heart. If you are a bit slow in picking things up, learn at

least one conversation, it would do wonderfully for any occasion. If you do

not say anything else for the rest of your life, just repeat this

conversation, you still have a fair chance of passing as a remarkably witty

man of sharp intellect, keen observation and extremely pleasant manners.

English society is a class society, strictly organized almost on

corporative lines. If you doubt this, listen to the weather forecasts. There

is always a different weather forecast for farmers. You often hear

statements like this on the radio: 'To-morrow it will be cold, cloudy and

foggy; long periods of rain will be interrupted by short periods of

showers.' And then: 'Weather forecast for farmers. It will be fair and warm,

many hours of sunshine.' You must not forget that the farmers do grand work

of national importance and deserve better weather.

It happened on innumerable occasions that nice, warm weather had been

forecast and rain and snow fell all day long, or vice versa. Some people

jumped rashly to the conclusion that something must be wrong with the

weather forecasts. They are mistaken and should be more careful with their

allegations. I have read an article in one of the Sunday papers and now I

can tell you what the situation really is. All troubles are caused by

anti-cyclones. (I don't quite know what anti-cyclones are, but this is not

important; I hate cyclones and am very anti-cyclone myself.) The two

naughtiest anti-cyclones are the Azores and the Polar anti-cyclones. The

British meteorologists forecast the right weather - as it really should be -

and then these impertinent little anti-cyclones interfere and mess up

everything. That again proves that if the British kept to themselves and did

not mix with foreign things like Polar and Azores anti-cyclones they would

be much better off.

Date: 2015-02-16; view: 1590