Snergy and Communication

Synergy is exciting. Creativity is exciting. It's phenomenal what openness and communication

can produce. The possibilities of truly significant gain, of significant improvement are so real that it's worth the risk such openness entails.

After World War II, the United States commissioned David Lilienthal to head the new Atomic

Energy Commission. Lilienthal brought together a group of people who were highly influential --

celebrities in their own right -- disciples, as it were, of their own frames of reference.

This very diverse group of individuals had an extremely heavy agenda, and they were impatient to

get at it. In addition, the press was pushing them.

But Lilienthal took several weeks to create a high Emotional Bank Account. He had these people

get to know each other -- their interests, their hopes, their goals, their concerns, their backgrounds, their frames of reference, their paradigms. He facilitated the kind of human interaction that creates a great bonding between people, and he was heavily criticized for taking the time to do it because it wasn't

"efficient."

But the net result was that this group became closely knit together, very open with each other, very

creative, and synergistic. The respect among the members of the commission was so high that if there

was disagreement, instead of opposition and defense, there was a genuine effort to understand. The

attitude was "If a person of your intelligence and competence and commitment disagrees with me, then there must be something to your disagreement that I don't understand, and I need to understand it.

You have a perspective, a frame of reference I need to look at." Nonprotective interaction developed, and an unusual culture was born.

The following diagram illustrates how closely trust is related to different levels of communication.

The lowest level of communication coming out of low-trust situations would be characterized by

defensiveness, protectiveness, and often legalistic language, which covers all the bases and spells out

qualifiers and the escape clauses in the event things go sour. Such communication produces only

win-lose or lose-lose. It isn't effective -- there's no P/PC Balance -- and it creates further reasons to defend and protect.

The middle position is respectful communication. This is the level where fairly mature people

interact. They have respect for each other, but they want to avoid the possibility of ugly confrontations, so they communicate politely but not empathically. They might understand each other intellectually,

but they really don't deeply look at the paradigms and assumptions underlying their own opinions and

become open to new possibilities.

Respectful communication works in independent situations and even in interdependent situations,

but the creative possibilities are not opened up. In interdependent situations compromise is the

position usually taken. Compromise means that 1 + 1 + 1 = 1/2. Both give and take. The

communication isn't defensive or protective or angry or manipulative; it is honest and genuine and

respectful. But it isn't creative or synergistic. It produces a low form of win-win.

Synergy means that 1 + 1 may equal 8, 16, or even 1,600. The synergistic position of high trust

produces solutions better than any originally proposed, and all parties know it. Furthermore, they

genuinely enjoy the creative enterprise. A miniculture is formed to satisfy in and of itself. Even if it is short-lived, the P/PC Balance is there.

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart There are some circumstances in which synergy may not be achievable and no deal isn't viable. But

even in these circumstances, the spirit of sincere trying will usually result in a more effective

compromise.

Fishing for the A Third Alternative

To get a better idea of how our level of communication affects our interdependent effectiveness,

envision the following scenario.

It's vacation time, and a husband wants to take his family out to the lake country to enjoy camping

and fishing. This is important to him; he's been planning it all year. He's made reservations at a

cottage on the lake and arranged to rent a boat, and his sons are really excited about going.

His wife, however, wants to use the vacation time to visit her ailing mother some 250 miles away.

She doesn't have the opportunity to see her very often, and this is important to her

Their differences could be the cause of a major negative experience.

"The plans are set. The boys are excited. We should go on the fishing trip," he says.

"But we don't know how much longer my mother will be around, and I want to be by her," she

replies. "This is our only opportunity to have enough time to do that."

"All year long we've looked forward to this one-week vacation. The boys would be miserable

sitting around grandmother's house for a week. They'd drive everybody crazy. Besides, your

mother's not that sick. And she has your sister less than a mile away to take care of her."

"She's my mother, too. I want to be with her."

"You could phone her every night. And we're planning to spend time with her at the Christmas

family reunion. Remember?"

"That's not for five more months. We don't even know if she'll still be here by then. Besides, she needs me, and she wants me."

"She's being well taken care of. Besides, the boys and I need you, too."

"My mother is more important than fishing."

"Your husband and sons are more important than your mother."

As they disagree, back and forth, they finally may come up with some kind of compromise. They

may decide to split up -- he takes the boys fishing at the lake while she visits her mother. And they

both feel guilty and unhappy. The boys sense it, and it affects their enjoyment of the vacation.

The husband may give in to his wife, but he does it grudgingly. And consciously or unconsciously,

he produces evidence to fulfill his prophecy of how miserable the week will be for everyone.

The wife may give in to her husband, but she's withdrawn and overreactive to any new

developments in her mother's health situation. If her mother were to become seriously ill and die, the husband could never forgive himself, and she couldn't forgive him either.

Whatever compromise they finally agree on, it could be rehearsed over the years as evidence of

insensitivity, neglect, or a bad priority decision on either part. It could be a source of contention for years and could even polarize the family. Many marriages that once were beautiful and soft and

spontaneous and loving have deteriorated to the level of a hostility through a series of incidents just like this.

The husband and wife see the situation differently. And that difference can polarize them, separate

them, create wedges in the relationship. Or it can bring them closer together on a higher level. If

they have cultivated the habits of effective interdependence, they approach their differences from an

entirely different paradigm. Their communication is on a higher level.

Because they have a high Emotional Bank Account, they have trust and open communication in

their marriage. Because they Think Win-Win, they believe in a Third Alternative, a solution that is

mutually beneficial and is better than what either of them originally proposed. Because they listen

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart empathically and seek first to understand, they create within themselves and between them a

comprehensive picture of the values and the concerns that need to be taken into account in making a

decision.

And the combination of those ingredients -- the high Emotional Bank Account, thinking win-win,

and seeking first to understand -- creates the ideal environment for synergy.

Buddhism calls this "the middle way." Middle in this sense does not mean compromise; it means

higher, like the apex of the triangle.

In searching for the "middle" or higher way, this husband and wife realize that their love, their relationship, is part of their synergy

As they communicate, the husband really, deeply feels his wife's desire, her need to be with her

mother. He understands how she wants to relieve her sister, who has had the primary responsibility

for their mother's care. He understands that they really don't know how long she will be with them,

and that she certainly is more important than fishing.

And the wife deeply understands her husband's desire to have the family together and to provide a

great experience for the boys. She realizes the investment that has been made in lessons and

equipment to prepare for this fishing vacation, and she feels the importance of creating good memories

with them.

So they pool those desires. And they're not on opposite sides of the problem. They're together on

one side, looking at the problem, understanding the needs, and working to create a Third Alternative

that will meet them.

"Maybe we could arrange another time within the month for you to visit with your mother," he

suggests. "I could take over the home responsibilities for the weekend and arrange for some help at the first of the week so that you could go. I know it's important to you to have that time.

"Or maybe we could locate a place to camp and fish that would be close to your mother. The area

wouldn't be as nice, but we could still be outdoors and meet other needs as well. And the boys

wouldn't be climbing the walls. We could even plan some recreational activities with the cousins,

aunts, and uncles, which would be an added benefit."

They synergize. They communicate back and forth until they come up with a solution they both

feel good about. It's better than the solutions either of them originally proposed. It's better than

compromise. It's a synergistic solution that builds P and PC.

Instead of a transaction, it's a transformation. They get what they both really want and build their

relationship in the process.

Date: 2015-02-03; view: 1249