Preparing For Important Conversations

If a conversation is particularly important or complex, it’s often useful to consciously prepare for it. First of all, know why you're having the conversation, what your purpose is. Second, get your story, message, point of view or case clear in your own mind. Third, think of the impact your conversation might have on both yourself and your conversational partner and determine how you might need to prepare yourself for the conversation and what you might need to do to help the other person hear what you have to say.

Pilots, before take-off, always run through a pre-flight checklist. The same idea can be helpful when you’re preparing for an important conversation. There are three priority questions you need to ask yourself. Why am I having this conversation? What is it I want the other person to understand (the Big Point)? What can (or should) I do to put the other person in a receptive frame of mind?

4. a. Determining the purpose of the conversation

Consider an example. Larry is upset with Maria. She has been somewhat distant lately. Recently, when they were at a mutual friend's house for dinner, she made him the butt of a few jokes. Now, on impulse, he calls her. He has not made it clear to himself just why he is calling her. To punish her? To complain about being mistreated? To get back on track? To work things out? His failure to determine what he wants to achieve from the conversation creates a void. After a few sentences, Larry's emotions fill the void. The conversation disintegrates. Their relationship ends up in an even worse state than it was before the conversation.

If Larry had prepared, he might have said something like this to himself as to purpose: "I'm still ticked off at what Maria did and the cavalier way she did it. When I calm down, I'd like to do three things. First, I'd like to tell her how I reacted to what she said at dinner. Second, I'd like to know what was going on in her mind at the time. Third, I'd like to take stock of our relationship."

In this case Larry wants to get a number of things done. There are multiple purposes, none of which is to punish Maria.

b. Getting the main points clear in your own mind

It’s usually very helpful to get the main points you want to make clear in your own mind. Different people use different methods for doing this.

Some people think through what they want to say before the conversation, and even decide in advance how they will say it.

Others prepare by taking a moment immediately before the conversation to reflect on what it is they want to say.

Still others, think out loud. They use the conversation itself as a road to discovery. For them, clarity evolves through the dialogue.

Finally, some people realise during the conversation that they need more time to clarify for themselves what they want to say. They end up saying something like this, "What you've just said makes me realise that the point I'm trying to make is not clear enough in my own mind. Let's talk again once I've had a chance to think it through more carefully."

Whatever approach you use, your stories, messages, points of view and cases, will be understood by others only if you understand them yourself. If what you want to say is not clear in your own mind, you might begin the conversation by saying something like this: "I've got a bunch of half-formed ideas. I'd like to bounce a few of them off you to see if I can develop some clarity."

Date: 2014-12-22; view: 1256