Is It Safe?

I thought of the caves after I'd checked around the waterfall and the far end of the Khyber Pass. If I'd been thinking more clearly, I would have checked the caves first. Not that it would have made much difference. The boat had probably been gone since sun-up.

These days I can find comfort in the idea that, weirdly, my deranged assault had cured Karl after all. I often picture him, trying to guess what he's doing at this moment or that. All the images revolve around him having a normal life, and a loose impression of what a normal life might be in Sweden. Skiing, eating, working in an office, drinking with friends in a bar. An oak-panelled bar with moose heads and hunting trophies on the walls, for some reason. The more mundane the picture, the more comfort it gives me.

But at the time my reaction wasn't so straightforward. Part of me was relieved that killing Karl was now an impossibility. I doubt I'd have killed him if he had been in the caves, despite the inflexibility of Sal's order, but I'm glad I never had the chance to find out. Most of me, however, was numb with shock. For the first few minutes after seeing the empty cove, I didn't even have the will to climb out of the water. All I could manage was to hang on to the rocks, and let myself be scraped up and down by the swell. I couldn't begin to imagine how Sal would react to this development. Karl turning up during Tet was of almost zero consequence compared to losing the boat, let alone the possible consequences of his arrival on Ko Pha-Ngan.

Eventually one of the larger swells as good as threw me on to the shelf where the gasoline can was usually tied down. Once there, I dragged myself a little further in and didn't move again until, a short while later, I saw someone surface near the underwater passage.

Instinctively I ducked down, not recognizing the dark bobbing head at first. An instant paranoid scenario had formed: as someone who knew too much, Sal had sent Bugs after me in the same way that I'd been sent after Karl. Maybe this was what she'd meant by saying I couldn't afford to let her down.

'Richard?' the head called over the sound of the waves. It was Étienne. He was treading water, looking around, apparently having spotted neither me nor the missing boat. 'Are you here, Richard?'

Of all the people I might fear on the beach, Étienne was the least likely candidate. Warily I stood up and waved him over.

I only noticed how cold I was when he'd swum over to the shelf and hauled himself up. I could hear his teeth chattering. The sun was still too low in the sky to reach inside the cave entrance, and the sea wind chilled the spray. 'I followed you,' he said, rubbing goose-bumps off his arms. 'I wanted to talk.'

I paused, wondering why he hadn't noticed that the boat was gone. Then it dawned on me that there was a good chance he'd never been on this side of the caves. In which case he'd also never been through the underwater passage before. Very brave, I commented to myself. Or just as crazy as everyone else.

'I know there has been some difficulty between us,' he continued. 'Some difficulty between us, yes?'

I shrugged.

'Please, Richard. I would be very happy if we could talk about this. We should not be this way. Not at this time...'

'What time is that?'

'Before...' Étienne swallowed awkwardly. 'Before Tet. Sal wants all difficulties to be over for Tet. A new start for the new year... Everybody else in the camp has forgotten their arguments. Keaty and Bugs even. So... I thought we should talk about our problem and make friends again... I thought we should talk about when you kissed Françoise...'

It was funny. My world was falling to pieces, everything in my life revolved around threat, and my nerves were shot to shit. But hearing that Étienne was still worried about the kiss with Françoise made me feel like laughing out loud.

'That is the problem, no? It is because of my reaction. My stupid reaction. Really, it was all my fault. I am very sorry that...'

'Étienne, what the hell are you talking about?'

'...The kiss.'

'The kiss.' I glanced up at the sky. 'Fuck the kiss. And fuck all that crap about Tet and Sal, too. I know how much you care about Tet.'

'I care about Tet!' he exclaimed, very alarmed. 'Of course, I care very much! I am working very hard to make sure tha...'

'Bullshit,' I interrupted.

Étienne stood up, making as if he was going to dive back into the water. 'I have to get back to the fishing detail now. I only wanted to apologize so that now we can be friends and...'

I caught his elbow and dragged him back down. 'Jesus! What's the matter with you?'

'Nothing! Richard, I only wanted to apologize! Please, now I must get back to...'

'Étienne, will you cut it out? You're acting like I'm the fucking Gestapo!'

He went very silent.

'What?' I shouted. 'What is it?'

He still wouldn't reply, but looked extremely worried.

'Say something!'

After at least a half-minute, Étienne cleared his throat. 'Richard, I want to speak to you, but... I do not know...'

'You don't know what?'

He took a deep breath. 'I do not know if it is... safe.'

'Safe?'

'I... I understand Sal has not been happy with me...'

I dropped my head into my hands. 'Christ,' I muttered. 'You do think I'm the Gestapo.'

'I think you... do things. You do things for Sal. Everybody knows...'

'Everybody knows?'

'Today, you were looking for Karl...' 'What does everybody know?' 'Where is Karl, Richard? Did you catch him?' I closed my eyes against a wave of nausea. 'Is he dead now?'

Everyone knew I did things for Sal. Everyone talked about it. They just didn't talk about it in front of me.

Étienne might have continued speaking, asking what I'd done with Karl, but I can't be sure because I wasn't really listening. My head was filling up. I was remembering the way Cassie had looked at me when I'd let Bugs slip and slide in his shit. And the way a consensus of silence could drop as fast as an Asian rainstorm, and Jean nervously asking me on a date, and unmentioned gunshots. Unnoticed Christo dying in the death tent, Sten's funeral forgotten in half a day, Karl forgotten on a beach.

Except now, suddenly, not forgotten on a beach after all. Deliberately avoided to provide me with a discreet window of opportunity. A space for me to do the things I do for Sal.

God knows what those weeks since the food poisoning had been like for Étienne. It's impossible for me to put myself in his shoes, working through how he must have interpreted the events around him. I know because I've tried. The nearest I got was while I was sitting with him in the empty cove, and I've never been close since.

Ultimately, I've only got one reliable touchstone to his ex­perience. The scene that followed Karl running through the clearing with me on his tail. The moment when Françoise strode away from him, distancing herself from the liability that he'd become, ignoring his outstretched arms. I'd give a lot to know what she'd said to him later. But obviously it was enough for him to realize that once Karl was out of the way, he might be next.

'Étienne,' I said, hearing my voice from far away. 'Would you like to go home?'

He didn't seem to reply for a long time. 'You mean... the camp?'

'I mean home.'

'...Not the camp?'

'Not the camp.'

'Not...'

'Leaving the beach. France for you and Françoise, England for me.'

I turned to face him, and was immediately hit by a second rush of sickness. It was the expression on his face, hiding his hope so badly. 'It's all right,' I murmured and reached out, intending to pat his shoulder for reassurance. But as soon as I moved, he recoiled.

'Don't worry,' I said. 'Everything will be OK. We're going to leave tonight.'

Date: 2015-02-03; view: 607