BROCABULARY

As you thumb through The Bro Code, you may come across some words and terms you've never seen before. Many have been boldfaced and placed in the Glossary on page 193 so you can familiarize yourself with the Bronacular.

While Bros are always encouraged to spread the truth of the Bro Code, they are also cautioned against overusing "Bro." Such Broliferation cheapens the important mission of this book and, nearly as important, makes you sound stupid.

APPROPRIATE "BRO" USAGE

Nabroleon

Tom Brokaw

Bro Jackson

Teddy Broosevelt

Broce Springsteen

INAPPROPRIATE "BRO" USAGE

Broan of Arc

Brobara Walters

BroJ. Simpson

Geraldine Ferrarbro

Broko Ono

ORIGIN

While the story of the Bro Code is not nearly as simple and elegant as God handing down some stone tablets to Broses, its origins weave all the way back to the dawn of humanity.

In the beginning there was no Bro Code… which was unfortunate for the world's first Bros — Cain and Abel. Lacking an agreed-upon set of social principles, Cain killed Abel and committed history's first Broicide. As punishment Cain was doomed to walk the earth alone. Why? Because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks.

Centuries later a Bro from Sparta and a Bro from Troy got in a fight over a chick named Helen. I know, "Helen" doesn't sound hot, but allegedly she had a "face that launched a thousand ships," so you can just imagine what her rack was like. The two Bros waged a terrible war over this chick — a war that could have been avoided had the Bros been familiar with the most basic Bro Code: Bros before hos. Troy put up a good fight, but the Spartan navy was very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan barrier, and Helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years.

Hundreds of years later, appropriately in Philadelphia (the City of Bro Love), a little known delegate named Barnabas Stinson scratched on parchment what is now considered the earliest attempt to record the Bro Code. Over the years Bros have amended and added rules, but Stinson's elegant words remain as the glorious preamble to the Bro Code.

While the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum-sealed, bulletproof chamber, I was able to gain access long enough to manufacture this replica.

July 4, 1776

The Bro Code

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for Bros to settfe a dispute, decent respect to the opinions of Bro-kind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to argue, though prudence says it's probably a chick. We hold these truths to he self evident, that all Bros are created equal — though not necessarify with the same good looks or sense of style — and that they are endowed with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of tail. To secure these rights, we present the Bro Code. If is the right of Bros to after or to abolish it, and to institute a new code, but let's face it — that's a lot of work.

Be it here resolved that, henceforth, when and if two gentfemen cover the company of the same wench, the Bro who first called dibs on said wench shall be entitled sufferance for such time as it takes to reasonably strike out, or the time it takes sand to fill one half of an hourglass, whichever comes first. At no point is it permissible for a Bro to violate this right and codpiece block his Bro, even if he hath consumed copious quantities of ale.

Date: 2014-12-21; view: 920