THANK YOU 13 page

I threw my arms around him, squeezing hard until he returned the friendly gesture. “I love you for caring about me, but of course you should be there for Jack.”

“I just wish I could talk him out of it.” He tugged at the corners of his eyes, a yawn escaping.

“Are Gran and Gramps going?” The question alone forced my knees to resume trembling.

“They’re not. Gran can’t fly for that long and Gramps refuses to go without her.” He shrugged. “But honestly, I don’t think they have the heart to watch him go through with it.”

“Does Jack know they aren’t coming?” I suddenly found myself caring for Jack’s well-being.

“He knows. I think he’s relieved, actually. He feels like he let them down, you know? He’s dealing with a lot of guilt right now.”

I swallowed hard as my throat burned with repressed emotion. “I’m gonna be late to class. I have to go. Thanks for telling me.” I turned on my heel and walked away as fast as my quivering legs would move me.

*****

I paced in the living room, my body a bundle of nervous energy as I waited for Melissa to get home from night class. The door flung open as a gust of wind practically blew Melissa inside. She pushed her small body against the door, shutting it with a loud slam before turning to face me, her hair tangled across her face.

“I hate the wind.” She jutted out her bottom lip and blew a huff of air against the pieces covering her mouth.

I frowned. “Me too.” I plunked down on the couch and picked nervously at the edge of a cushion. “I need to talk to you.”

“So talk.” She flipped the kitchen light on, searching the cupboards for her bag of butter-flavored pretzels.

“I want to go out there.”

“Go out where?” She turned and squinted at me in confusion.

“Alabama. I need to see him, Melissa. Or maybe he needs to see me? I don’t know, but what if I can stop the wedding?”

“Why would you want to stop the wedding?” Her head cocked to one side as she crunched on a pretzel.

“Because.”

“Because why, Cassie? This guy cheated on you. And he lied.” Leave it to Melissa to press the issue, forcing me to examine my heart.

“I know. And I always believed that cheating was an unforgiveable act. That once you broke down that foundation of trust, it could never be rebuilt. But I was wrong. I don’t want him to marry someone else, Melissa. I don’t know that I can get past what he’s done, but I’m willing to try.”

She stared at me like she’d known this all along and was simply waiting for me to figure it out.

“So why are we still talking about it?”

“Because I don’t have the money for a ticket.” I sighed, plucking at the frayed edges of the throw pillow. “And I was wondering if I could borrow some? I’ll pay you back, I swear.”

“How will you pay me back? You don’t even have a real job.” Even though she was telling the truth, I still wanted to smack her.

“I didn’t say I’d pay you back next week, but I will pay you back.” Irritated at her reluctance, I squeezed the pillow to my stomach, trying to push back at my emotions.

“I’m just messing with you. Let’s go book you some flights!” She tossed the bag of pretzels into the air before heading into the bedroom. I laughed as they spilled out onto the floor.

“And a rental car. And a hotel,” I shouted.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve got it covered. Get in here!”

*****

The lights at the baseball stadium flicked off as the last of the fans pulled out of the gravel lot. The opposing team piled onto their bus and the engine roared to life with a loud puff of smoke. I stood next to my rented Ford Mustang and watched as the home team players sporadically filed out of the locker room. My legs were shaking like crazy, my nerves completely frayed.

I noticed Jack immediately. He was freshly showered, his black hair still dripping wet. A smile crept across my face and I knew without a doubt that if my eyes could sparkle like stars, they would have. Seeing him almost brought me to my knees.

I watched as his eyes scanned the parking lot for his car, before they stopped on me. He looked away and then quickly jerked back, his hair spraying water from the force of the turn.

“Kitten?” He dropped his bag, running.

“I hate when you call me that,” I half shouted with a smile.

“What are you doing here?”

I leaned my back into the car as he kissed the side of my face and then stood far too close. I felt my stomach drop to my knees. And my knees drop to my feet. And my feet…well, they could barely stand. He wrapped his arms around me and I nuzzled into his neck, breathing him in. I stopped my fingers from running through his wet hair. I stopped my hands from gripping the back of his neck and pulling him to me. I stopped my mouth from attacking his.

God, I missed him. What was left of my broken heart belonged to him. Every jagged shard had his name written all over it in permanent black ink.

He gently pulled back from our embrace before asking me again, “What are you doing here, Cass?”

“I just…” I hadn’t thought about what I was going to say, which was really stupid. I’d just been so consumed in the process of getting to Alabama so I could see him, I hadn’t really thought through what I was going to say once I got there. “I just wanted to talk to you.”

“You could have called.” His teasing tone was so familiar, bringing memories crashing back that made my throat start to burn.

“I wanted to see you in person.”

He suddenly shifted his weight and his eyes widened. “Are you okay? Everything is okay with you, right?”

I smiled at his protectiveness. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

I watched as he regained his composure with a shaky breath. “That’s good. I don’t know what I’d do if something ever happened to you, Kitten.”

“Like if I was marrying a complete stranger tomorrow?”

His body stiffened. “Is that why you’re here?” I watched his shoulders and head drop as the realization hit.

“Jack. It’s a mistake. You shouldn’t do this. Please don’t do it…don’t marry this girl.” My left hand balled into a fist and rested between my breasts. “I’m begging you. I am literally begging you to not do this.”

I started crying. The ugly, uncontrollable kind of crying. His eyes glistened and I watched him blink back his own tears.

“It’s too late. Her whole family’s in town.” His face pinched with pained emotion.

“It’s not too late. Tomorrow at whatever time you’re supposed to marry her is too late. Tonight isn’t. Please.” I reached for his shirt and gripped, balling it tightly in my fist. “Please don’t do this to me.”

“I’m sorry you flew all this way.” His eyes looked away from mine.

“So that’s it? You won’t even consider not going through with it?”

“I already made my decision.”

“Do you love her?” I asked, my heart beating as if the next pulse depended on his answer.

His body suddenly pressed against mine as he cupped my face with both hands. “You’re so beautiful.”

I struggled to breathe. “Do you love her?” I choked out the words.

His dark eyes narrowed. “She’s not you.”

His breath was a mixture of warmth and cinnamon from his long-gone breath mint. “What does that even mean?” I asked, my tears spilling over his fingertips.

His hands fell from my face as he breathed in and out through his nose, his temper rising. “Fuck, Cassie. What do you want to hear? How much I hate myself for getting drunk that night and losing the only girl in my life I’ve ever trusted and truly loved? How I called Dean fifty times a day for weeks begging him to tell me how I could get you back? Do you want to hear how fucking weak and pathetic I think I am for not being able to tell her no that night, when I knew what was at stake?”

His eyebrows pinched together and his jaw tensed as his emotions spilled out into the night air. “Do you want to hear how I tried to talk her out of keeping this baby so that it wouldn’t fuck everything up? How I begged her not to keep it, told her I’d pay for everything, I’d drive her there and give her money after it was all over, just to please not do this to me. And then how much of an asshole I felt after that too? Who tells someone that?”

I watched as he paced back and forth before falling to his knees, his hands covering his tortured face. His hands fell as he glanced up at me, tears reflecting in his eyes. “I am so fucking in love with you I can’t see straight. I don’t love her. I’ll never love her. But I fucked up and now I have to pay for it. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you,” he said. “Or losing you.”

I fell to the ground next to him, my teardrops staining the dry concrete below. I reached for his arms as he wrapped them tightly around my waist and pulled me in. There was no space between us, our bodies sharing the same air. Our foreheads touched and I closed my eyes. “Knowing you’re marrying someone who isn’t me,” I squeezed my eyes tighter to fight back the pain, “is literally killing me.”

“You don’t hate me?” he asked tentatively.

I opened my eyes to him, my pulse racing at his nearness. “I flew to Alabama to tell you not to get married, dummy. I’m pretty sure I don’t hate you.” I forced a small laugh.

“How about one last kiss then?” He grinned, his dimples illuminated by the moonlight.

“My heart’s already shattered beyond repair, what more damage could it do?”

My eyes closed as his lips pressed against mine. My broken heart sputtered to life as those pesky butterflies in my stomach flapped the dust off their wings. My mouth opened slightly and my tongue was immediately greeted by his. His lips softly opened and closed as our tongues danced with one another as if thrilled to have reconnected. Everything in the background faded away and nothing existed except that kiss. Nothing but the feel of his lips, the taste of his tongue, the smell of his sweet, cinnamon-scented breath. His lips closed gingerly as he pulled away.

“I don’t know how to recover from this…from you,” I admitted, embarrassed.

“How do you think I feel? Do you have any idea how hard of an act you are to follow, Cassie Andrews? I will never be the same.”

He stood up before reaching out a hand to pull me to my feet. I took a shaky breath, suddenly distracted by the sound of tires screeching and the flash of headlights bouncing in our direction.

“Shit.” Jack looked at me apologetically and then back toward the oncoming car.

“Who is that?” I asked, and then suddenly I knew. “It’s her, isn’t it?”

I swallowed hard as the car came to a sudden stop and the driver’s side door flew open. Without turning off the ignition or closing the door, a petite, pixie-like brunette sprinted toward Jack. “When you didn’t come home, I got worried. All the other players are home already.” She flung her arms around Jack’s shoulders and squeezed, the massive diamond on her finger flashing. I looked away as my stomach lurched.

“What are you doing?” she asked as her eyes looked past Jack and fell onto mine, her eyes widening as realization set in. I eyed her tiny five-foot-one-inch frame and wished I could tackle it to the ground.

She pulled back from Jack’s arms. “What’s she doing here?” Jealousy was written all over her pinched little face.

Jack glanced at me before turning to face his future bride. “She came to see me. She wanted to talk.”

“She’s trying to stop the wedding, isn’t she? She doesn’t want us to be together, Jack! She’s trying to take you away from me and the baby!” She clutched her stomach before throwing her head into Jack’s chest.

“She just wanted to talk, Chrystle. Calm down.” Jack glanced at me as he awkwardly tried to console her.

She pulled her head from against his body and glared at me. “Don’t even think about showing up at the church tomorrow. You will not ruin this day for me! He’s not yours anymore!”

“Chrystle. Stop it.” Jack scolded her like a child as I looked around the empty parking lot to make sure her threats were really meant for me.

“Excuse me?” I said with a defensive snarl.

She placed a hand on her hip, her thigh jutting out to one side. “You think I don’t know who you are?” she asked before jerking Jack’s hand possessively into hers.

Anger swept over me, effectively blocking all the other emotions swirling around inside me. “I don’t give a fuck if you know who I am or not. Just be thankful you’re pregnant.”

Her jaw dropped slightly. “Or what?”

“Or else I’d be beating your tiny little ass right now for being a disrespectful slut who sleeps with other people’s boyfriends. You’re the worst kind of girl.”

“And what kind of girl is that?” She tried to sound tough and I had to hold back a smirk.

“The kind other girls can’t trust. You’re a backstabber, a liar, and a manipulative skank. You have no respect for boundaries or other people’s relationships.” Damn, it felt good to finally say those words to her face!

“You don’t even know me! Jack, say something!”

Before he could speak, I lit into her once again. “You didn’t care that Jack had a girlfriend back home, did you? And no matter how many times he told you about me, you told him I wasn’t there and what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me. You manipulated him that night into sleeping with you.”

She eyeballed me, unsure of how to respond, so I continued. “So you tell me…what kind of girl does that?”

“Cassandra, that’s enough,” Jack said sympathetically.

I cringed inwardly at the sound of him using my real name. No one called me that. Ever. To hear it spill from his mouth, in his voice, it sounded all wrong.

“None of it matters now, does it? I’m pregnant and we’re getting married, so you’ll just have to find someone else.” She looked at Jack for approval, but he refused to tear his eyes from mine. “Have a nice life, Cassie. I know we will.” She smirked at me and then tugged at Jack’s arm.

Jack whispered, “Good-bye, Kitten,” loud enough for me to hear before she dragged him away. I stared down at the concrete, willing the pain to subside, when I heard footsteps bounding back in my direction. I glanced up to see Chrystle standing a few feet away, a smug look on her face.

“I’m the kind of girl who gets what she wants, and what I wanted was a professional baseball player for a husband. And that’s exactly what I’m getting. Maybe you’ll be a little more resourceful in your next relationship.” She patted her flat stomach again before running toward her car.

My jaw unclenched as it fell open.

*****

I drove the short distance to my hotel, tears blurring my vision the entire way. It’s amazing I didn’t have a freaking wreck. When I pulled into the hotel parking lot, I turned off the engine and dialed Melissa’s number.

“Tell me everything,” she screamed into the phone.

“Well, I didn’t stop the wedding,” I admitted, my voice cracking.

“Oh God, what happened? Did you see him? Did he see you? Did you talk to him?”

“I saw him. We talked. I told him not to marry her. He said he loved me, and then he left with her. He said he couldn’t call off the wedding, that this was something he had to do.” I choked back a sob as I stared out the windshield into the night, seeing nothing.

“I’m so sorry, Cassie. I honestly thought that if he saw you, it would change things.”

“Me too.”

“Hey, I’m proud of you. I’m really fucking proud of you. The old Cassie would have never done this. She would have never put aside being wronged to try to win him back.”

“Well, the old Cassie never had Jack Carter to lose.”

“No regrets, right?”

“No regrets,” I repeated.

EIGHTEEN

JACK

It killed me to leave Cassie standing alone in that empty parking lot. I watched her as I drove away, tears streaming down her beautiful face. It took every ounce of my self-control to keep my foot on the gas pedal, when all I wanted to do was turn around and be with her.

Seeing her tonight almost broke me. I’d do anything for her, be anything she wants me to be. Because she deserves nothing less than everything.

But I always find a way to fuck things up. And Cassie Andrews was no exception. I had the best damn girl in the world, and I threw it all away. Just like that jerk Jared said I would, the night of my first date with Cassie.

I pulled my car into the garage next to Chrystle’s and hopped out to look for Dean. “Hey, little brother! Where are you?” I shouted from the entryway.

“What’s up?” Dean yawned as he walked out of the guest bedroom, his dark hair sticking up in every direction.

“Can I talk to you out back?” I glanced at Chrystle, who pretended to yawn.

“You won’t be long, will you, Jack?” she asked, her voice nauseatingly light and airy.

“Go to bed without me, Chrystle. I’ll be there soon.” I forced a smile, dreading each moment I had to spend with her.

Dean and I walked out into the warm Alabama air and sat in two lawn chairs side by side.

“You nervous for tomorrow?” Dean asked with a slight grin.

I turned to look at him. “A little.” Then I cut to the chase. “Did you know Cassie’s here?”

I watched Dean’s eyes widen. “Excuse me? What do you mean, she’s here?”

“She was waiting for me in the parking lot after my game tonight.”

“Shit.” Dean looked at me with worry.

“You didn’t know? I was certain you knew.”

“I had no idea, Jack. I swear. I would have given you a heads-up or something if I knew.” His eyes widened. “Which is why, of course, they didn’t tell me.”

“They who?”

“Melissa and Cassie. They were acting weird all week, but they didn’t say why.”

“Does she ever talk about me,” I asked, putting my brother on the spot.

“Not when I’m around,” he answered and I nodded with understanding. “So what did she say?”

I shrugged my shoulders and leaned toward him. “She asked me not to get married tomorrow.”

“She flew all the way out here to ask you that? She could’ve just called.” I watched as Dean eyed the second-story window where my bedroom was. His eyes searched for something before landing back on mine.

I laughed. “I told her the same thing.”

“That sucks.” Dean shook his head. “I know this is killing her.”

I felt my face tighten with his words. “I’m pretty sure it’s killing both of us.”

“Then why are you doing it? I mean, don’t do it. Don’t marry Chrystle.” I knew it was hard for Dean to be supportive of my marriage to Chrystle, but sometimes his irritation with me bubbled over, like now.

“It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”

“Look, I get why you’re doing it. I just wish you wouldn’t. I know you still love Cassie.”

My eyes narrowed and I clenched my jaw. “Of course I fucking love Cassie. But I cheated on her and got someone else pregnant. I’ll spend the rest of my life loving the one person I can’t have. That’s my punishment for hurting her.”

Dean squinted as he shook his head. “What kind of fucked-up logic is that?”

“The only kind of logic I can live with. My pain is my punishment. I brought it on myself. I deserve to hurt since I hurt her. And I don’t deserve to have her after what I did.”

“You’re seriously whacked. You know that, right? You could be with Cassie right now if you wanted to!” Dean whisper-shouted to me harshly.

I breathed in and out through my nose, refocusing my thoughts. “I can’t.”

Dean stood up, shoving the chair out from under him before leaning close to my face. “You’re still hurting her. Every day you aren’t with her, you’re hurting her. And following through with this stupid wedding is probably going to fucking ruin her!”

He went back into the house and slammed the sliding glass door shut with a thwack. I replayed the conversation in my mind, convincing myself that he was wrong about one thing. Eventually Cassie would heal and get over me. She’d find someone new to love…someone who deserved her.

But me? I’d never find another girl like her. And I’d never love anyone the way I love her. My pain would last a lifetime and hers would one day become a distant memory.

*****

The church was a combination of newly updated renovations mixed with the original structure built in the early eighteen hundreds. I had no idea that the tall building I drove past on the way to the ball field was an actual church until Chrystle forced me inside one day.

It honestly looked like an oversized mausoleum from the outside. But once you walked through those massive doors, it was a different story. Maybe it was the impressive stained glass windows that guided you down the aisle. Or the white and black swirled marble staircase. Whatever it was, I found myself understanding why people found comfort here.

The pews filled up quickly with my teammates and Chrystle’s family and friends. I stood at one side of the altar with Dean next to me, and Chrystle’s best friend, Vanessa, waited at the other. The large white doors opened as organ music filtered from the enormous pipes.

Chrystle appeared in a skintight white dress, the fabric hugging every inch of her body as her smiling father walked her down the aisle. What a fucking sham. He had to know this wasn’t real. If I had a daughter, I’d never let her marry some schmuck who didn’t even love her.

I wanted to throw up. Beads of sweat began to accumulate behind my neck as my heart started pounding. Dean leaned over and whispered, “We can still leave,” and I actually considered it. My stomach flipped as I struggled to hold back the sickness that threatened.

What was I doing? This should be Cassie walking down the aisle toward me. I shouldn’t be marrying this girl. I don’t love her. Hell, I can barely stand her. The mere idea of spending every day with her made me want to vanish into thin air.

I imagined having the power of invisibility and how freaked out everyone would be if I suddenly disappeared. Poof, gone. The crying and screaming that would overwhelm the church. Some would insist that demons took me. Or that maybe I was the demon. I forced back a laugh as I glanced toward Vanessa who eyed me, her expression wicked.

I glimpsed back at Chrystle just as she placed her free hand on her stomach and rubbed it with a smile, as if reading my mind. I swallowed my broken laugh and remembered why I was standing there in the first place. I had an obligation to my unborn child. A duty as a father.

I couldn’t wouldn’t leave my baby. I would follow through with this because it was the right thing to do. My kid deserved a family that was whole, not broken, not incomplete, not separated. He deserved to grow up in a house with a mom and a dad who loved him. I refused to be the reason why he switched houses depending on the day of the week and I was unwilling to only see him on those days. Kids should grow up with their family and I wouldn’t abandon mine.

I forced a smile as she neared, a part of me suffocating with each step. She looked pretty, but all I saw when I looked at her was the reason I’d lost the one thing I ever loved. I glanced at Dean, his face pained behind the happiness he faked, as Chrystle sidled up next to me. The preacher read vows and we repeated them to each other, my heart slowing with each word until I was certain it would stop beating altogether and I’d drop dead.

Couldn’t everyone in the room tell I wasn’t in love with the girl standing next to me?

I felt hollow. Empty. Devoid of all emotion as I said, “I do,” when I really wanted to shout, “Hell no, I don’t!”

The words, “You may now kiss your bride,” echoed in my mind as Chrystle’s grin widened. I leaned in to give her a peck, refusing to close my eyes, but she grabbed the back of my neck with both hands and refused to let me go. I pulled against her tight grip as my temper flared.

“That’s enough,” I whispered through a tight smile.

“Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. and Mrs. Jack Carter,” the preacher shouted with enthusiasm, and I pulled at my tie, willing its chokehold to loosen.

“You okay?” Dean leaned in with a whisper.

“I gave up being okay the day I lost Cassie,” I admitted, Chrystle’s hand gripping mine as she pulled me from the altar.

NINETEEN

After the wedding Chrystle wanted to buy a house, insisting that our child needed a neighborhood and a backyard in order to be truly happy. We fought for weeks over it, until I finally got it through her thick skull that we weren’t going to live in Alabama forever.

“I can get moved up or traded at any time, Chrystle! Then we’ll have to move right away. It doesn’t make any sense to buy a house here when we’re most likely not staying,” I shouted, trying but failing to hold back my temper.

“But I want to live here in the off-season. Don’t you?” she cried.

“Hadn’t planned on it.” I longed to feel any emotion for the tears she shed, but couldn’t find it in me.

“You’re not even trying.”

I released an exasperated sigh. “What are you talking about?”

“This marriage. Us. You’re not even trying, Jack. I deserve for you to try.” She stomped her foot on the floor. “I’m carrying your child. We both deserve for you to try.”

There was the emotion I so desperately needed. Guilt. Welcome home, old friend. “You’re right. I’ll try harder,” I promised, and she cried again.

“Sorry. Being pregnant makes me really emotional.” She wiped at her face with the back of her hand and I reluctantly pulled her into my arms.

*****

I walked through the front door carrying my baseball gear before I shouted, “Chrystle? I’m back!”

I refused to say that I was home because Cassie was my home. But I’d lost that, and her, forever, so I’d never truly be home again.

“I’m up here,” she shouted from upstairs, her voice sounding odd.

“Are you okay?” I yelled before craning my neck to hear her response. “Chrystle?” I yelled again, dropping my bags with a thud.

I could make out the soft sounds of crying as I rushed up the stairs to our bedroom. Chrystle was curled into a ball surrounded by pillows and used-up tissues. While no feelings existed for the woman I was married to, my feelings for what grew inside of her were immeasurable.

“What’s wrong? What happened? Is the baby okay?” I asked, overwhelmed with worry.

“Oh, Jack.” She broke down into tears. “I lost the baby this morning.”

My stomach dropped and on its way down it grabbed a hold of my heart. “What? What happened?”

“The doctor said it’s common. I woke up and started bleeding really bad. I was so scared.” She threw herself into my arms and sobbed against my chest.

Devastation ripped through me. Somewhere along the way I’d grown used to the idea of being a father. I’d made plans and looked forward to a future that no longer existed.

There was no more baby. I brushed under my eye and stared at Chrystle’s stomach, resting my hand there.

“I can’t believe I lost our baby. I’m so sorry. All I wanted was our baby. Our child.” She looked up at me through her tears.

“I know. Me too,” I admitted as a tear escaped my eye. “Can I get you anything? Do you want some water or something?”

“I’m okay. Where are you going?” She clung to my shirt as I climbed to my feet.

“I’m just going downstairs to grab a drink. I’ll be right back, okay?”

She nodded and I flew from the room, my emotions taking over. I hopped over the last two stairs before rushing into the tiny bathroom and slamming the door shut. I fell to the floor, my head falling between my legs as I grieved for the child I’d lost.

My chest heaved with pain before a sliver of hope crept in.

You can leave Chrystle now.

Get a divorce and go fix things with Cassie.

Spend your life making it up to her.

Relief washed over me, quickly followed by guilt, my new best friend. How could I feel relief at a time like that? This isn’t the time to find happiness. What the fuck was wrong with me?

I steadied my heartbeat before pushing my body up from the floor. I poured a glass of water, grabbed some headache medicine, and slowly crept back up the stairs.

“Let’s make another baby, Jack.”

Her request caught me off guard. “What?”

“Make love to me,” she begged.

“No,” I told her staunchly, the very idea made me want to punch something. I hated the relief I felt, but the truth was, I’d just dodged a bullet. I wasn’t about to load the gun again.

“Why not? Now that we’re not having a baby, you’re going to leave me? I can see the headlines now…‘Jack Carter Leaves Heartbroken Wife After She Loses Baby.’”

I winced. “Calm down, Chrystle.”

“Say you won’t leave. I can’t handle you leaving on top of what I already lost.” She sobbed, her face flushed.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I conceded.

I woke up the next morning, my head throbbing as if I’d drank too much the night before. But it was the ache of loss that ripped through my skull. I glanced at Chrystle, her arm possessively clasping mine. She whined as I removed it from her grip and flipped over, but continued sleeping as I crawled out of bed.

Date: 2015-01-29; view: 616