All That Matters By S X Meagher 4 page

“Sweetheart,” she soothed, “this is starting to hurt our marriage. There's nothing wrong with either one of us, David. We just haven’t gotten pregnant yet. There’s no shame in that!”

“I want you to be inseminated with donor sperm,” he said quietly, not looking her in the eye.

“What?” Blair sat up. “Why would you want to try that so soon?”

“Because this isn’t going to work. I want to have a baby soon, and if we keep wasting time, it delays the whole timetable.”

“David, if we’re not going to use your sperm, there’s really no reason not to adopt!”

“Sure there is,” he said. “If the baby can’t be ours, I want it to at least be yours. I’m worried about taking a baby when we don’t know the mother, honey. What if she was using drugs or drinking or smoking? We’d have no way of knowing that. I want to do everything we can to make sure we have a healthy baby, and having you bear it will do that.”

“David, there aren't any guarantees. I know nothing about my biological father’s genetic profile. He might have been a drug-crazed psycho killer! Hell, knowing my birth mother, it's likely!”

“I know you don’t see it this way, Blair, but I want to be part of the entire process. I want to see your body change. I want to be there when you give birth. I can’t do that if we adopt. I’m really afraid that I’ll feel like a complete outsider if we don’t give birth to the child.”

“Can’t we try a few more cycles with your sperm?” she asked.

His head shook decisively. “I’d really rather not, honey. I know you’ll say that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I don’t want to have a child with my sperm. I’m afraid of how he'll turn out.”

She wrapped her arms around his shaking body and soothed him as best she could. “All right, David, all right. We’ll try it and see what happens.”

„G

Since she knew her mother woke with the sun, Blair snuck out of bed at 4:00 a.m., not having slept more than twenty minutes at a time. After relating the events of the previous evening, Blair asked, “Do you think this is the right thing to do, Mom?”

“Honey, I can’t tell you that. This is your business.”

“I had a feeling you’d say that,” she said, sighing. “Maybe you should put Dad on; he’s never afraid to give me advice.”

“You never take it,” her mother reminded her. “That’s why it’s safe for him.”

Laughing softly, Blair said, “I wish I lived closer. I really need to see you.”

“I'd tell you to come home for a few days, but you need to be with David now.”

“I know,” she said. “This has been so hard on him, Mom. He honestly feels like less of a man just because I haven't gotten pregnant.”

“It’s your job to support him through this, Blair. This is a critical point in your marriage. You’ve got to let him know that you still rely on him.”

“I do,” she insisted. She ran her hand through her hair and said, “I hope I don’t live to regret this, but I’m going to go ahead and use donor sperm. There’s a part of me that believes he really needs to parent at this point in his life, and that he’ll resent me if he doesn't. Once the baby gets here, he might be able to put this all aside and just focus on what we have, rather than what he doesn’t have.”

“That’s the spirit, honey,” her mother urged. “I think you’re making the right decision.”

“You always say that after I make it,” Blair chided her. “Is that in the mother’s handbook?”

“It is. And I promise to send you a copy as soon as you get pregnant.”

Chapter 2

Sitting at her desk one afternoon, Blair realized she'd been staring into space when her assistant walked into the office and said, "Is everything all right? You've been acting … distracted lately, and that's not like you."

Blair started to do what she normally did ¾ say that everything was fine and change the subject. But she'd been working with Mandy for almost three years, and they'd become more than just co-workers during that time. They didn't socialize much, but that was mostly because of their partners' schedules. Mandy's boyfriend was in dental school, and she and Bill stayed in most evenings, while David was asleep when Blair was ready for dinner. A smile crossed her face when Blair realized that she didn't feel like Mandy's boss any more, and that the younger woman would probably want to move on fairly soon to strike out on her own. "Something is bothering me," she said. "Do you have time to talk?"

"Sure." Mandy closed the door to the office and sat down, giving Blair an expectant look.

"I'm having some problems at home," Blair said, stalling a bit while she tried to get comfortable with revealing details of her personal life.

"Is something wrong with David?"

"No, not really, but … oh, I'm just gonna spill it. We're trying to get pregnant but not having any luck."

Mandy winced. "I'm sorry, Blair. I know how hard that can be."

"You do?"

"Yeah, my older sister was infertile."

"Really? Did she ever get pregnant?"

"No, but it worked out all right for her. She went back to school and got an MBA, and now she has a job she loves. She told me not long ago that she's happy she doesn't have to worry about child care and all of the other things that go with having kids while you're working."

"Did they go through a lot?"

"Oh, yeah. My brother-in-law's a doctor, and he wouldn't rest until they did everything possible. They did a few rounds of in-vitro, and when that didn't work, she had assisted hatching." She made a face and said, "Doesn't that sound like something you'd do to a hen?"

Blair made a gurgling sound and laid her head on her desk. "How long did they try?"

"Years," Mandy said. "They started when she was … oh, thirty-eight or so. They didn't give up until she was forty-three. They spent over $100,000."

"My stomach's in knots," Blair mumbled. "Please tell me she's still married."

"Oh, sure she is. She said that all the struggles they went through made their marriage stronger. I think she's really happy now, and her husband seems happy, too. They're able to go on nice vacations, and Rick just bought a new Audi TT, something he'd never have been able to do if they’d had a baby. Things seem good between them."

"Well, that's a relief," Blair said, lifting her head. "I'm worried that this is gonna wreck my marriage."

"Oh, Blair, David's crazy about you!"

"Yeah, he is," she admitted, "but he's not crazy about himself right now."

"Ooo … is he the one with the … problem?"

"The doctors think so," Blair said. "He's not handling it very well."

"My sister was the one who had problems," Mandy said. "Maybe that made a difference."

"I wish it were me," Blair said. "Then David might feel sorry for me rather than feeling inadequate."

"God, that sounds horrible," Mandy said. "Just horrible."

"You know, I don't admit this to many people, but it has been horrible." Blair was surprised to find herself feeling a bit better now that she was getting some of her worries off her chest. "It's affected our whole relationship, Mandy. Our sex life has suffered, we're not as patient with each other … everything's … off."

"How's David in the communication department?"

Blair shrugged. "Not great. He's not the type to show me his soul, ya know?" She laughed and said, "Not that I show my soul very often, either."

Mandy laughed along with her. "You are a little guarded."

"Only Child Syndrome. Sadly, David's an only, too. Neither one of us is very good at sharing our deepest feelings."

"I don't know what to tell you, Blair, but you can talk to me any time you need to. I'm a good listener."

"I know that, Mandy," she said. "That's why you're the only person other than my mom I've talked to about this. I trust you."

„G

One Friday evening, Blair, Kylie, Nick and his date, Kathy, were at the Dorothy Chandler Auditorium, listening to the Los Angeles Philharmonic perform a program of Chopin, Liszt and Rachmaninoff. When the concert was over, Nick and Kathy went out for a late dinner, and Blair drove Kylie home. "I'm sure glad you two subscribed for four tickets," Blair said. "I'm going to the Philharmonic more than I have in years."

"When we did that, we both had hopes that we'd have dates to use the extra tickets," Kylie said. "It's worked out much better for Nick than it has for me."

"Well, you've got me now, Doc. I'm sure you'd rather have a date, but I'm better than an empty seat."

"You're a lot better than an empty seat, Blair. I really enjoy being with you. Of course, I'd like it better if you wanted my body in the most lewd and lascivious fashion, but you're still pretty good."

"I don't think I'm your type," Blair said, giggling. "Girls don't make me hot."

"Hmm … I guess you're right, then. I prefer women who start drooling the minute they lay eyes on me."

"Many of those come along?" Blair asked, smirking.

"They're out there," Kylie said. "I know they're out there, and some day I'm gonna find one of 'em."

Blair was still smiling when she said, "You haven't changed your mind about telling me how to live my life, have you?"

"No, I struggle with my own decisions, Blair. I really can't take on a boarder." She looked at her friend and saw the smile fade. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Same old thing," Blair said. "I told David I'd use donor sperm, but I can't make myself make the phone call."

"It's a big step," Kylie said. "You're smart to think it through."

"But I'm not thinking it through," she complained. "I'm just going around in circles. I don't want to do this, but I'm afraid that David will never forgive me if I don't."

Kylie gave her a look filled with concern. "Blair, that's not a very good reason to have a baby."

"No, no, I want to have a baby; I'm sure I do. I just wish that David would agree to adopt. But he's not going to, so I might as well stop whining."

"Hey, just because he won't give in doesn't mean that you have to."

"I know, I know. I don't always give in. Actually, most of the time, David is the one who caves. My mother thinks I take advantage of his good nature."

"Don't you love that?" Kylie asked. "My mom thinks it's all my fault that I can't find a girlfriend."

"Well, she's right, but my mom's totally wrong!" Blair said, managing to really laugh for the first time all day.

"I wish I had the answer for you. I really do. But all I can do is recommend a good sperm bank. I'll even make the call for you if you want."

"Thanks," Blair said. "I'll make it. I think."

„G

Once she'd decided to make the call, Blair checked with David to see when he was available to go with her. "Honey, I was thinking of going to Westside Cryobank this week. What afternoon's good for you?"

"Huh?" He put his drink down and immediately picked up his cigarettes. He tapped the end of the pack and put one in his mouth, motioning for his wife to follow him.

When they married, Blair had promised that she'd never complain about his smoking as long as he never smoked in the house. She’d noticed that he was spending significantly more time in the backyard lately, but she forbade herself to bring up the topic. As his contribution to the baby's health, David had promised that he'd quit smoking the minute Blair got pregnant, and she thought she'd best leave it at that.

He lit his cigarette the moment he hit the back steps. Walking through the cloud of smoke, Blair said, "If we want to get moving, we have to choose a donor, David. Westside Cryobank sounds like the best place."

"Can't we do that over the Internet?"

Blair blinked at him, then said, "I didn't think to ask." She placed her hand on his waist and asked, "Don't you want to be a part of this? Picking the donor is a big deal."

"Yeah, yeah," he said, sucking on his cigarette like it provided life-sustaining oxygen. "I just don't want to have to go in person. I just … I don't want to." He stubbed out his cigarette, then shoved his hands in his pockets. "Wanna go for a walk?"

Knowing that David was more voluble when he was walking, Blair readily agreed. A few minutes later, they were strolling along the streets of their Santa Monica neighborhood. They didn't speak at all until they were a good twelve blocks from home. Finally, David said, "We'd better turn around."

Blair rolled her eyes, but didn't comment further, knowing that David didn't react well to being pressed to communicate. They passed their street, still without saying a word. When they reached the ocean, David sat down on one of the benches overlooking the cliffs that dropped to the sea. They were about eighty feet above the water, making the usual roar of the sea a mere whimper. A cool breeze blew in their faces, and Blair felt chilled even through her sweater. She scooted over, and David picked up on her cue and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Cuddling closer, she rested her head on his chest, and after a long while he said, "I know you're trying, but you don't understand how humiliating this is for me. I … I can't do it."

"Can't do what, honey? Have you changed your mind about using a donor?"

"No. I still think that's what we should do. But I can't go to the place."

"Okay," Blair said, patting his stomach. "I'll go check things out and see if I can do a first cut. Then we'll see where we stand."

"'Kay." They passed another hour sitting on the bench, both of them staring into the black sea, not even a moon to illuminate the inky depths.

„G

Blair's first visit to Westside Cryogenics lasted nearly two hours, and when she returned home, she was dismayed to see Sadie's car parked in front of the house. Good Lord, did David ask her over tonight? Or does she have a sixth sense for the worst possible time to drop in?

Blair walked into the house and was immediately met by two pairs of dark brown eyes. "Well?" Sadie said. "What did you learn?"

"Hi, Sadie," Blair said. She walked over to the older woman and gave her a hug and a kiss, then did the same to David. "David didn't tell me you were coming; I would have made dinner."

"Oh, honey, you know I don't like to cause a fuss. I only wanted to see if you're going to continue with this thing."

"Thing?"

"This sperm donor thing," Sadie said, her hands anxiously fluttering like a pair of wings.

"Well, David and I have to talk it over," Blair explained. When David didn't say a word, she continued, "Do you want to know what I found out?"

"Sure," David said. "I'd like a drink. Mom?"

"Oh, no, it's too early for me. You go ahead, though."

David gave Blair a relatively discreet head twitch, and she said, "I'll help you, honey. I could use a cold drink, too."

The pair went into the kitchen, letting the door swing closed behind them. "I'm sorry, baby," David said. "I talked to her on the phone this afternoon and mentioned that we were thinking of using a sperm donor. By the time I got home, she was sitting in her car in front of the house."

"Why did you tell her?" Blair asked, her voice rising despite her efforts to remain calm. "There's no reason anyone has to know about this."

Looking away, he said. "I tell her everything important, Blair. Since my dad died, she's so dependent on me. I can't shut her out while she's struggling to rebuild her life."

"Okay, honey," she said, patting him on the waist. "If you want her to know about this, it's okay with me."

"I don't," he grumbled, "but she'd kill me if she found out later. It's easier to get it over with now."

"She's your mom, David. You're the one who has to decide how to handle her."

"Thanks." He kissed her on the cheek and gave her a squeeze.

"No problem," she said, but she knew there were going to be problems galore now that Sadie was part of the decision-making team.

„G

The trio sat at the dining room table, looking over the brief donor profiles that Blair had brought home with her. Sadie dismissed most of the men immediately, but she was intrigued by one donor ¾ a man of Russian and Armenian descent. "If you're going to go through with this, this is the fellow," she declared.

David looked at the profile and nodded. "Grad student in electrical engineering, on the water polo team in college, baseball team in high school, sports fan, doesn't want the child to be able to contact him ¾ he looks good to me."

"Only one thing I don't like," Sadie said. "He says he has no religion. I don't like that."

"Our child will have whatever religion we practice, Sadie. Why does it bother you that the donor isn't religious?"

The older woman shrugged in a way that was clearly a dismissal. "You never know," she said.

Blair usually ignored her mother-in-law's comments, but something about this one bothered her, and she couldn't let it go. "You never know what?"

"He might be hiding his real religion. It might be something funny," she said.

"Funny?"

"He could be anything," Sadie said. "I'd like to know what his people are before we commit."

"Fine," Blair said, not having the strength to push the issue.

"He might be … Muslim or something," Sadie blurted out.

"I'll check," Blair said, pasting a smile on her face. "Any other religions that would bother you?" She felt David's hand on her thigh and saw the set of Sadie's jaw. "They said they'd call the donor with specific questions."

"Thanks," David said, obviously grateful to her for agreeing to consider Sadie’s favorite candidate and for giving up on the argument.

"I'll make the call for number 1051, but I liked this guy," Blair said, pushing another profile across the table.

David picked up the sheet and read it quickly. "National Merit Scholar, graphic artist." He started to laugh, looking up at Blair. "His favorite hobby is reading. How weak is that?”

“One of my favorite hobbies is reading, honey,” she said, smiling thinly.

“Right!” His expression froze for a moment, and she could almost see the gears turning in his head. “And since you’ve got that covered, there’s no sense in asking for more of it. I want this kid to be well-rounded.”

“Good recovery,” she said under her breath.

"I think you're making a mistake with this donor thing," Sadie said. "A big mistake. But if you insist on doing this, you've got to go with number 1051."

"I agree," David said. "I think he's ideal."

Blair sat back in her chair and said, "I know when I'm outvoted. I'll call and ask them to ask about his religion. They'll also need to make sure they have enough of this guy's sperm for a second go, in case the first time doesn't take."

Sadie got up from the table, her broad-shouldered bulk looming over both of them. Suddenly, Blair felt like a child about to be lectured by the teacher. "Just because I like number 1051, doesn't mean I agree with this whole thing. Why are you two giving up so easily on conceiving your own child? I read about a technique where they can fertilize an egg with just one sperm! You have millions, David! Millions!"

David looked a little small, too, but he took in a breath and held his ground. "We're not giving up easily, Mom. But to do that, we'd have to use in vitro fertilization, and they usually want to fertilize several eggs. We don't want to run the risk of having triplets or quads. Besides, the doctor says that the risk of passing on genetic defects might be higher using the single sperm technique."

"I read the same things you do, David. They can do an amniocentesis to make sure the baby doesn't have any chromosomal abnormalities."

"Jesus, Mom, how do you think I'd feel if we went through all of this crap and then had to abort the baby because of my defective sperm? I'm not gonna take that chance."

Sadie sighed, then looked at her son, her dark eyes like twin lasers. "I don't like to tell you what to do, David, but this is wrong, and you're going to live to regret it."

Blair looked at her husband and saw him swallow. She knew how much his mother's opinion meant to him, and she wished that she could rewind the last minute of the conversation and hit the delete button. Dear God, please don't ever let me guilt trip my child like that.

„G

“There’s not a chance in the world that you’ll tell me whether or not you think I’m making a mistake, is there?”

“Nope.” Kylie stood by a sparkling, aquamarine swimming pool, trying to imagine if the house they were investigating was the right one for her. “I will never do that, Blair. Only you and David know if using a donor is the right choice for you.”

“But you have so much experience with couples who’ve been in our situation,” she said. “Can’t you give me anything?”

Kylie gazed at her friend for a few moments, then nodded her head. “I’ll give you one piece of advice. If you’re conflicted about it, you should spend some time talking about this in couples therapy. This is a life-changing decision, Blair, and once you’re in, it’s tough to go back.”

Sighing deeply, Blair let her head drop back and the sun warm her face. “David’s antagonistic to therapy. He’s not the kind of guy who likes to analyze his motivations for things. He’s all action, no reflection. I’ve suggested therapy, but he's refused.”

“That’s my best advice, Blair. I wish I could be more help, but I don't have a clue if this is right for you. All I know is that you're going to be a great mom, no matter how you become one."

"I think I will," she said, a small frown wrinkling her forehead. "And I know that David will be a good dad. We just have to get through the preliminaries and get a baby in the house."

"You'll get there, Blair. You're a very determined woman."

"I am," she admitted, "but you don't get some things by determination alone."

„G

On the morning she started to ovulate, Blair and David rode in silence to the doctor's office. Neither made mention of the canister of donor sperm resting on the floor of the backseat. David had not even been able to refer to it by name, asking his wife if she wanted him to carry the … thing. She fought down the voices that continually questioned her, deciding that all women would be worried about conceiving if they had to do it as deliberately as she did.

When they entered the office, the nurse came in and explained that they would have to sign consent forms before Blair could be inseminated. She briefly explained the content of the forms, then left them to read the paperwork and sign. "Why do we have to do this?" David asked. "It's not like we just wandered in off the street."

"The donor's not on the hook, honey. Since we're married, we have to acknowledge that if I get pregnant, you're the father."

He read the form twice, then took out his pen and signed. Blair watched him carefully, seeing how coiled with tension his body was. "There," he said, handing the papers to her. "Not one chromosome from me, but I'm the father. I'm sure the baby's gonna buy that."

"Hey!" She grasped him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. "We agreed we weren't going to tell anyone." She bit her lip to keep from reminding him that he'd broken that agreement by telling his mother. "There isn't any reason for our child to know that he or she was the product of donor sperm. It's just a technicality, David."

"Technicality?" He shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked at the vinyl baseboard. "Eye color, hair color, height, bone structure, blood type, talents, fears, diseases, life expectancy." He turned back towards his wife, and Blair was sickened by the sorrow she saw in his mournful dark eyes. "If those are technicalities …"

"David, David." She put her arms around him and hugged him as tightly as she could. "No one is forcing us to do this. If we have a baby this way, you're the father, not the wad of gunk in this tank!"

"Right." He pulled away and stared out the window again.

Blair went to him and forced him to look at her. "If we don't talk this out, I'm leaving; and you can't do much here without me."

"All right." He sounded bone tired. "What?"

"I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you'll love the baby we have — no matter how we get it."

His answer was immediate, and she could see that he was telling the truth. "Of course I will. Jesus, I'm not a heartless bastard!"

"David, I never implied that you were. I just don't want you to spend your time thinking about who contributes what to create the embryo. Parenting doesn't start until our baby is resting in our arms." She softened her voice and pulled David close. "I want to raise a child with you. The guy who provided the sperm isn't going to help us raise this baby. After today, his contribution is over — while ours is just beginning."

He held her close and rocked a bit, kissing and nuzzling against her neck. "I'll do everything in my power to give this baby all of my love."

"Save some for me," Blair whispered. "Mommies need love, too."

Date: 2015-01-29; view: 817