All That Matters By S X Meagher 5 page

The soft chuckle that David let out rumbled against Blair's ribs, reassuring her thoroughly. "I have more love for you than I'll ever be able to tell you, sweetheart. You'll always be my sweet baby."

A knock on the door startled both of them. The nurse picked up the papers, looked at them and said, "Mrs. Spencer? You didn't sign."

Blair signed, then handed the papers back to the nurse. "Great," the woman said. "I'll take the sample and warm it. The doctor will be in soon."

They were both still nervous, and Blair tried to make conversation. "I wonder what makes a guy decide to donate sperm?"

"The money," David said immediately.

Something about his tone made her look at him, and she asked, "How do you know that?"

He walked over to the window, looking out towards the ocean. "That's why I did it."

"You did it? You donated sperm?"

He whirled around and glared at her. "Yes, I did. I used to have a full supply."

"Oh, honey, I didn't mean that." She put her arms around him and felt the tension in his body. He stood motionless, so she pulled away, trying to give him some space. "I was only surprised because you seemed so … I don't know … judgmental about the donors."

"I'm not judgmental," he said, turning back to the window.

"When did you do this, honey?"

"When I was in college," he said, still staring. "A bunch of my frat brothers did it, and it seemed like an easy way to get a few extra bucks. We'd go over on Friday afternoon, make a deposit, then hit the bars. It gave me spending money for the weekend, and if I did happen to get lucky, I could last a lot longer since I'd already knocked one out."

Blair approached him and placed her hand on his back. "How'd you feel about doing it?"

Laughing mirthlessly, he said, "I didn't feel anything. I was twenty-one years old, and it meant nothing at all to me. I knew I had an unlimited supply, and this just seemed like a good way to get rid of the excess. I jerked off every day, anyway. Why not make $50 while I was at it?"

Afraid to hear the answer, Blair asked the question anyway. "How do you feel about the guy who donated the sperm we're going to use?"

David gave her a sad smile. "I feel like he's a lucky asshole who doesn't know how lucky he is. When I was his age, my biggest worry was getting a woman pregnant. I couldn't imagine a worse fate. Now, almost twenty years later, I still worry about the same thing just from the opposite angle."

"Do you ever wonder about the children you might have …"

"I didn't used to, but in the last few months, it's been on my mind a lot. I know a couple used my sperm, because the sperm bank called me to ask if I'd come in to make another deposit. That time felt kinda weird. I felt like a cow being milked," he said. "But even then, I didn't wonder if that couple was successful. Until now," he added quietly.

She wrapped him tightly in her arms and asked, "Are you absolutely certain this is what you want?"

He nodded. "I want to have a baby with you, Blair. This is the only way."

A quiet knock on the door signaled Doctor Coughlin's entrance. "Good morning," she said brightly. "Ready to make a baby?"

„G

"I just had one of the strangest days of my life," Blair said. She had her telephone headset on and was sitting outside, drinking a glass of lemonade. "It was like the worst possible one night stand. No dinner, no movie and no sex. All I have to show for it is a few cc's of semen from a guy I'll never see again."

"Blair, honey, we've had this discussion before. There are some parts of your life that you should keep private. I'd really rather not know that you ever had anonymous sex."

Laughing, Blair said, "That was a hypothetical, Mom. You know I was perfectly chaste when I met David. Our wedding night was such a shock! If only I'd known …"

"I'm glad you didn't go into acting, honey. You would have starved to death," her mother said dryly, “and you know I'm teasing you. I was just trying to cheer you up, sweetheart. You sound so … lethargic."

"I didn't sleep well," Blair said. "I can't imagine that every married woman who does this doesn’t have decidedly mixed feelings about it."

"I think so, too, honey. Do you want to tell me more?"

"Mmm … just … just that I almost chickened out."

"Was it that bad for you? Damn, Blair, there are times when I wish you'd never left Chicago. I could have been with you."

"That's okay, Mom. Having Doctor Coughlin in the room during my attempted conception was freaky enough. I don't think I could have had my mother there and stayed sane."

"Tell me about it, hon. What happened?"

"I still don't know if we should have gone through with it, Mom. David told me some things that make me wonder more than ever if he's in the right mind frame for this. Hell, I'm still not sure that we picked the right donor!"

"Maybe you just have cold feet," Eleanor said. "I almost had to tackle you to keep you from leaving the church when you got married."

"Funny," Blair said. "Everyone wants a funny mother."

"I'm sorry, Blair. Come on now; tell me what's on your mind."

"I'm really snappish today, Mom. Don't mind me. And I'm sure that you're partially right. I do have cold feet. But David was so ambivalent today. He's totally focused on the fact that he won't be making a genetic contribution. Try as I might, I can't understand that! I was thinking that maybe because I'm adopted, I have more insight into what real parenthood is, but now I'm not so sure."

"How does David feel about your being adopted? Does he think of us as your parents?"

"Yeah … I mean, I think he does. He's never said anything that would make me think otherwise." She sighed heavily and reclined in her lounger. "Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe David can't understand why this isn't like an adoption. I don't think of this guy as being the birth father. My sperm donor had a relationship with my egg donor. He shared in the decision of whether or not to raise me. If things had been different, he and my egg donor would have been my parents. That's not the situation here. This donor may have had charitable motives, but he also might have just wanted to make an easy $75 while watching porn! I don't know him — I never will. I can't tell my baby anything about him, other than what's in his profile. That's why I liked that the donor didn't want to be contacted. If I'm pregnant, it's my baby, and David's — legally and morally. I don't want my baby to know about the donor."

"I agree, Blair, but are you sure that's wise? Your father and I know, and now Sadie knows. She's not the most discreet person …"

"Don't remind me," Blair moaned. "David’s telling her screwed everything up! Sadie'll never be able to keep this a secret!"

"You'll deal with it, Blair. If you're pregnant, and there's a glimmer of a chance that he or she will find out, you'll tell the baby yourself."

"Yeah, we will." She paused for a moment and then said, "I hate to say this, but I hope I'm not pregnant. David and I are going to have a very long talk before I agree to do this again. I think we were too rash."

"Now, honey, it's too late for thoughts like that. No matter what happens, you and David can work it out."

"Yeah, you're right. If I'm pregnant, I'm sure I'll be happy. I just hope my happiness is delayed until I'm more certain about the whole thing."

„G

Just a week after being inseminated with donor sperm, Blair was planning to meet Nick and Kylie for a film noir festival at a West Los Angeles theater. She'd left work early, getting home well before David.

Taking the opportunity to pamper herself, she doffed her clothes and filled the tub in the master bath. She added some of her favorite bath salts, climbed in and turned on the jets. I hope David doesn't come home soon, she thought as the bubbles tickled under her chin. I know how much he misses his hot tub. He might just throw off his clothes and jump in here with me, and this is definitely not a tub for two.

She'd had a busy and stressful week, most of the stress courtesy of a house falling out of escrow. There'd been a nagging suspicion in the back of her mind about her buyer, but she didn't feel good about having been right, especially since she'd had to spend hours on the phone placating the seller's agent. Even though it occasionally happened to everyone, it irked Blair that her buyer had flaked on her. She prided herself on representing well-qualified, reliable clients, and she felt that having a house fall out once it was in escrow reflected badly on her.

I probably could have gotten all of that idiot's earnest money back if I'd sold my soul to Harriet Glickman, but I was not going to hang myself out to dry just because Mr. Paranoid read an article in the paper saying that Santa Monica could be washed away if a tsunami ever hit. She slapped at the bubbling water with the flats of her hands, the situation still annoying her. If I'd been concentrating at work, I would've seen the warning signs earlier. When he insisted on having a geological inspection on a perfectly flat piece of land, I should have sensed that he wasn't sure about it.

The bath had helped a little, but she was still out-of-sorts when she lay down for a nap. She slipped her hand into her robe and cupped her breast, giving it a squeeze. It made sense when I was in the tub, but why are my tits still tingling? It feels like a teeny, tiny electrical current passing through them.

Turning onto her side helped take her mind off the annoying sensation, and she was nearly asleep when a familiar feeling in her uterus nudged her awake. Oh, fuck, I'm getting my period. She flopped onto her back and pressed gently on her abdomen. Huh. It doesn't feel like it normally does. It's not cramping; it just feels … full and a little heavy. Huh. Lacing her hands behind her head, she allowed herself to fantasize for a minute, then dismissed the errant hopes. It's been a week! No one can feel pregnant in a week. Just go to sleep and forget your delusions. You'll probably have your period by the time you wake up.

„G

After the first feature, Nick went to buy snacks, and Blair leaned over and whispered, "I know I'm probably insane, but could I possibly feel pregnant already?"

Kylie produced the biggest grin imaginable, and her hand immediately dropped onto Blair's belly. Her fingers slid up and down the soft cotton of her khakis. "Really? Do you really? Tell me exactly how you feel. Include everything."

Blair patted her friend's hand, and Kylie immediately pulled it away, staring at it for a moment as though she didn't recognize it. "Damn, Blair, I'm sorry for touching you like that. I lost my head for a minute there."

Reaching over to take her hand and give it a squeeze, Blair smiled and said, "It's cool to see how excited you are. You're really into this, aren't ya?"

Kylie nodded enthusiastically. "I am! As many women as I've helped, I've never been involved past the surgery. Plus, I know how much this means to you and David, and I really want it to work out for you." Her smile increased a few lumens, and she said, "I'm really charged!"

"Well, like I said, it's probably all in my head, but I just feel different. My breasts feel a little like they do when I have PMS, but they're even more sensitive. It actually hurt to have the shower spray on them this morning."

Kylie's expression grew sober, and the thought ran through Blair's mind that this was her friend's doctor persona coming out. The intense, intelligence-filled eyes gazed at her carefully, her attention completely focused on the blonde’s face.

"I also almost vomited when I opened the refrigerator at work earlier today. There was nothing particularly noxious about it — just too many smells." She shivered briefly in memory.

"Anything else?" Kylie asked, her tone low and soft.

"That's mostly it," Blair said.

The gaze sharpened. "Mostly?"

Her expression was so penetrating that Blair heard herself admit to something she'd sworn she was going to keep to herself. "Again, I know I must be imagining this, but at the moment the doctor injected the sperm, I got this funny kinda rush. It's impossible to describe, but it was a very different feeling than I got the other times." She ran her hands through her hair and said, "I know it's weird, but I feel pregnant."

Kylie impulsively leaned over and brushed her lips across Blair's cheek. "It's not weird at all. A lot of women detect subtle signals very early, especially if they're very attuned to their bodies. It's possible that you're pregnant, Blair, and if you are, I'm totally buzzed to be the first to know." She giggled and said, "I know that shouldn't make me so happy, but I love to know things before other people do."

"Must be from being the baby in a big family," Blair said, giving her friend a little pat on the cheek. "I'm not going to say anything to David yet, since I don't want to get his hopes up. But I'm gonna have that EPT test in my hot little hands on exactly the fourteenth day. I can't wait! I told my mom that I hoped I wasn't pregnant, since I think David and I still have some things to work out. But the mere thought that I might be is making me ridiculously happy. Just goes to show that you're never sure what your reaction is going to be until it happens."

„G

When she returned home, David was asleep, and she stood in the doorway of their bedroom for a long time, just watching him. Needing to be close, she slipped off her clothes and climbed into bed, receiving a small grunt in response. Placing soft, moist kisses along his back, she reached around him and tickled up and down his belly.

He woke slowly, mumbling, "Tired."

"You don't even have to wake up. Just let me love you."

Rolling onto his back, he sighed and wrapped his arm around her, nuzzling his face into her shoulder.

She was incredibly aroused — her burgeoning belief that they were finally pregnant making her nearly mad with desire for him. He was still half asleep, so she unbuttoned his pants and started to stroke him.

Surprisingly, he touched her arm, stopping her. "Kiss me," he said. "I want to feel your lips."

Sliding her hand out of his pajamas, she propped herself onto her elbow and leaned over him. "You'd rather kiss than …?"

"Uh-huh. I would."

She looked at him for a few moments, seeing the love reflected in his eyes. "Why?" Her voice was soft, her eyes questioning. "Don't you like to make love to me anymore?"

"Of course I do!" He grasped her and pulled her to his chest, hugging her tightly. "I love you, Blair. Very, very much." He said this with such fervor that she felt chills run up her back. "But we've been so … I don't even know what we've been, but I wanna start over, baby. I want … I want it to be like it was when we just started to make love. Damn, do you remember how much time we spent kissing?"

"I do," she whispered, her mind filled with memories of lying in bed for hours, doing nothing more than kissing David and staring into his eyes. "It was wonderful."

"Let's make it wonderful again. I know we can." He rolled onto his side, taking her with him. He caressed her face, barely touching her skin. "You're so beautiful. The most beautiful woman I've ever kissed."

She felt herself melt into his arms, and his lips touch hers. After the briefest touch, he pulled away and brushed the hair from her forehead, looking deeply into her eyes. "I love you, Blair."

"I love you, too." She kissed his chest and rubbed her chin and cheek on the soft black hair that covered his upper body. Looking up at him, she smiled and murmured, "Kiss me."

„G

Kylie picked up the ringing phone on Sunday afternoon, muttering a curse that her stereo didn't have a remote control. "Hello?" she called out. "Hold on a sec."

Moments later, the volume at a manageable level, she picked up again. "Hi. Who's this?"

"Did you skip the class in medical school where they tell you how easy it is to damage the human eardrum?" Even though her words were teasing, Kylie could hear the edge in her voice.

"Hi, Blair," she said, her voice low and warm. "I did attend that class, and loud noise would more likely damage the hair cells in the cochlea, but I get your point. I was out on my deck, so the noise wasn't so bad out there. Actually, it's your fault if my hearing goes. If I hadn't come inside to answer the phone, I'd be just ducky. So, what's up?"

She took in a deep breath, then asked in a shaking voice, "Wanna come over and celebrate?"

"What's wrong? Are you crying?"

"Yes, I'm crying," she whimpered. "I … I … I'm pregnant … and David's not coming home tonight like he was supposed to."

“Ohh … you poor thing." Kylie paused a second and shouted, "You're pregnant!"

Despite her disappointment, Blair couldn't help but smile at her friend's enthusiasm. "Yeah. I'm pregnant," she said, the words sounding odd rolling off her tongue.

"That's awesome, Blair! I'm so excited for you!"

"I am, too," she said. "But I'm also sad. I … I … I was gonna make David a special celebration dinner … and I … I'm lonely …"

She started sobbing, and Kylie spoke soothingly to her. "Do you have the food you wanted to prepare?"

"Uh-huh."

"Unlock the door, then go lie down and put a cool cloth over your eyes. I'll be there in an hour."

"You sure?"

"You couldn't keep me away. If the door's locked, I'll break it down."

Blair hung up and followed the doctor's orders, then lay down on the couch, a smile starting to build as she thought about Kylie's exuberant reaction. I think she's more excited than my mother's going to be.

„G

It only took Kylie forty-five minutes, and by the time she slipped in, Blair was dozing on the couch. Kylie half-sat, half-reclined on the floor, folding her long body between the coffee table and the sofa, just to be near her friend when she awoke.

Some time later, Blair blinked her eyes open to find Kylie’s dark head resting against the cushion. The doctor was contorted into a remarkably uncomfortable looking position, and when Blair ran a hand through her hair, she groaned in pain. “It’s been a long time since I could take a nap in that position and not pay for it,” she grumbled.

“You must have been awfully tired,” Blair said, her voice low and a little raspy from sleep. “Hot date?”

“Uh-huh. Hot from a fever. I had a patient who developed an infection last night. I spent the night at the hospital keeping an eye on her.”

“How is she?” Blair asked, sitting up.

“She’s fine now. I stopped by and checked on her on my way over here. That’s what took me so long.”

“So you were up all night?”

“Pretty much. They called me at 1:00, and I wasn’t completely satisfied until 9:00 this morning. I spent half of the time reassuring the poor woman’s anxious husband. He and I sat in the cafeteria, drinking coffee until it was coming out of my ears.”

“You didn’t have to do that, did you?” Blair asked, giving Kylie’s hair an affectionate mussing.

Intentionally misunderstanding her, she said, “I guess not, but it’s more socially acceptable to drink coffee than to inject myself with amphetamines. Don’t know why, but that makes people skittish.”

“Don’t try to dodge a compliment, Doctor Mackenzie. You know full well what I mean. Not many surgeons would hang out for hours to reassure a family member. I know you’ve got some little space at the hospital where you could have taken a nap.”

Turning slightly to be able to look into her friend’s eyes, Kylie said, “I wasn’t able to perform microsurgery on this patient. I had to open her up, Blair. I made the incision that allowed bacteria to invade her bloodstream. Granted, it wasn’t my fault that she got the infection, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna put a woman’s life at risk and then go hide while her husband worries himself sick. That’s not my style.”

Blair leaned forward and kissed the top of Kylie’s head. “You’re such a sweetheart that part of me wishes you were my doctor. But I’d never want to give up our friendship.”

Kylie got to her feet with some difficulty, then stretched for a moment, wincing when some of her joints crackled noisily. “I’m really glad we didn’t work together, too. You’re a good friend, Blair, and you’re going to be a world-class mom.” She extended a hand and helped her friend to her feet. “If David were home, he’d be pampering you silly tonight. So, since I’m standing in for him, I’m gonna do the honors.” Folding Blair into her arms, she hugged her for a long time, murmuring, “I’m so happy for you. It’s all gonna work out just like you want it to.”

“Thanks,” Blair said, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “I have a feeling I should start carrying a handkerchief. I haven’t cried this much since I was a baby.”

“You’re allowed,” Kylie assured her. “You’ll hardly recognize your own behavior from all of the hormones you’ve got coursing through your bloodstream. But the baby needs every one of them — so you get a free pass to be a complete lunatic!”

“That’s something to look forward to,” she said, starting for the kitchen. “I don’t think my clients will agree, but at least you do.”

“Oops … I almost forgot.” Kylie went to the door and, stepping outside, said, “I’m glad you have a covered porch.” She reappeared in a moment, trying to herd a bunch of balloons into the house. There were six pink and six blue, and they were partially weighted down by a cuddly-looking brown teddy bear who clung to them. “I know you’ll have to deflate them before David comes home, or the surprise will be ruined, but I had to do a little something to commemorate the occasion.”

“You’re wonderful,” Blair sighed, hugging her tight. “You’ve made me feel so much better.”

“Glad I could help,” she said. “You’re going to feel even better after I cook you dinner.”

„G

She did feel even better after dinner, Blair had to admit. They’d dined well, listened to a Rachmaninoff symphony that Blair was particularly fond of, and were now sitting in the living room, waiting for dinner to digest so they could eat dessert. “I get to do this all again tomorrow night,” Blair said, grinning. “How lucky am I?”

“Very,” Kylie said. She scooted around on the couch, trying to get some of the stiffness out of her shoulders. “Can I ask why you didn’t wait for David to get home to do the test?”

“Sure. I want to make this a big celebration, Kylie, to help him let go of the fact that we couldn’t use his sperm. But there was no way I was going to take that test and have it be negative. I’m very protective of him lately, and I didn’t want him to be disappointed.”

“He’s a lucky guy to have you,” Kylie said. “I bet he knows it, too.”

“Usually, he does,” Blair agreed. “Up until now, we’ve had a very good relationship. Oh, he’s got his little shortcomings, but so do I, and our quirks fit together really well. I just hope he welcomes this baby with as much joy as I’m feeling.”

“I didn't want to say much before, but you're very lucky to have been able to conceive this way, especially on your first try. Very few of my patients do.”

“I know we're lucky," Blair said. "I read all of the statistics, and I knew the odds were against us." She looked at her friend for a moment, then asked, "You've never talked about having a baby. Have you ever considered it?”

Kylie nodded. “A lot. I’ve been trying to figure out a way since I was about thirty. It’s just been in this past year that I’ve begun to reconcile myself to the fact that it isn’t gonna happen.” She looked at her friend and said, “Honestly, that’s part of the reason I’m so ecstatic about your pregnancy. After deciding I’d never experience it, it’s a gift to get to watch a good friend go through it.”

“Are you unable …?”

“I have no idea,” Kylie answered. “I think the odds are good that I’m fertile. Neither my mom nor my sisters had any trouble. But I’ve never been in the right situation. When I was young, I considered having a child alone, but I had so many loans to pay off that I couldn’t have afforded a live-in nanny. Now that I can afford it, I don’t want to take the time away from my practice. I’m at the point where I’ve got my career where I want it, and I worry about dividing my loyalties. I know how I am, and I’d never let a nanny take over if my child were ill and needed me. And I don’t have the kind of job where I can call in sick. When a patient gets up the courage to schedule surgery, I’m not going to make her do it again because my baby has a bad cold.” She rolled her shoulders and said, “Besides, the older I get, the less I want to hire someone to raise my child. If I can’t do it and really experience the joys of parenthood, I think I should give up the dream.”

“But you’d feel different if you were partnered?”

“Yeah. I have enough money for my spouse to be a stay-at-home mom. That would be ideal.”

“You've been thinking about this for ten years. Have you ever come close to doing it?”

“Not very. Stacey and I talked about it, but she was ten years younger than I was, and she didn’t want to consider it until she was thirty-five or so. We probably would have done it if we’d stayed together, but she was gone long before she hit thirty-five.”

“Well, I can’t give you this one, or David will be pissed, but I can make you a godmother.” Blair paused. “How’s that?” She got up and walked over to her friend, took her hand and placed it on her belly. “Meet your godmother, baby,” she said.

Kylie's expression turned to one of pure astonishment. "Really? Really?"

"Yes, really," Blair said. "You're my closest friend."

Blinking back tears, Kylie patted the flat belly and said, “I feel the same about you. Well, Nick's my closest boy friend, but you're my closest girl friend. Of course, I have some good friends from med school ¾"

Blair covered Kylie's lips with her fingers. "You're blathering." The doctor looked up at her and nodded. "Now, say hello to your godchild."

Date: 2015-01-29; view: 842