How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man 9 page

“Really? What makes you think I’m spontaneous?” I asked, smiling.

“You’re not just crazy, you’re actually a lot of fun to be around, you take time to enjoy life. You like to make it seem like you’re a homebody and you never want to leave the house, but I love that you’re getting out, going golfing and fishing and doing the things that you love to do,” she said sweetly. “I love that about you and I’m glad you’re like that because it inspires the rest of us to enjoy life. That’s a great quality to have in a mate.”she could get the last of her sentence out of her mouth, I had invited her to come with me on my solo golf weekend getaway. I mean, how could I resist? Here was this beautiful woman complimenting me on something I didn’t even see in myself, and thanking me for leading by example.

“Wow, really? You want me to come with you on your golf weekend?” Marjorie asked, shocked by the invitation.

“Yeah!” I said excitedly before I could even think to stop myself. “And I’m going to take all the kids!”, even as I’m extending the invitation, my brain is going, “No, dummy! That’s not quality alone time! Those kids are going to be acting crazy, there’s water and jet skis and they’re going to want to rent a boat and you’re going to have to do all of that with them and you can kiss cigar smoking, sleeping in, and those leisurely rounds of golf good-bye. What’s wrong with you?”thing I know, it’s a family affair-all of us are headed to the lake on my solo golfing trip, just because my girl extended a thoughtful comment that made my heart swell. She wasn’t trying to horn in on the trip; she genuinely was happy to let me get in my alone time. But it just felt right to bring her and the kids along because this woman was showing her appreciation for a characteristic I barely saw in myself.though I surely would have enjoyed spending that time alone, I had an incredible time bonding with my family. We rented a cottage, caught up with one another’s lives, snuggled around the fire pit (making and eating enough s’mores to feed a small army), and laughed and played together way into the night. Marjorie got a massage while I hung with the kids, and then she spent time with them while I got in my tee time out on the golf course.when my caddy pulled up to the cottage after my golf outing, Marjorie and the kids had a surprise waiting for me that I’ll never forget: right there on the sidewalk leading to the cottage was a big pastel chalk drawing designed by my family, just for me. In big, colorful bubble letters, they’d written out “Welcum Home Deddy” with the “e” drawn backward, and each of my kids wrote their names and what they want to be when they grow up. There was also a sprawling family tree with all of our names as well as the names of the grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. And next to that were two huge signs that said, simply, THANKS FOR THE TRIP! and TO DADDY, THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS, with a hand drawing of a microphone and a crazy picture of me. Up on the deck, Marjorie had the grill going, and the kids were all there, waving and laughing and calling out to me.from ear to ear, I couldn’t find the words to express how good that made me feel. This massive display of appreciation from my family didn’t cost much or take up a huge amount of time; the chalk couldn’t have been more than a few dollars, the drawings couldn’t have taken more than twenty minutes or so. But I’ll tell you this much: their words of appreciation, sprawled out across the sidewalk for all the world to see, were worth a million dollars to me. And their smiles? Priceless. It validated for me that everything I’m doing to profess, provide, and protect my family is not only necessary, but well worth it. Things like this make me want to work that much harder for them, to make sure that they’ve got everything they need, and certainly to give them a lot of what they want, too.caddy, a young guy in his late twenties, took in the scene and, as he handed me my golf bag, said, simply, “You’re a lucky man-that must feel great. I hope I have this one of these days.”

“Yeah,” I said, shaking my head in wonderment. “Every man should have a family like this.”Easy Ways to Show Your Appreciation-and Get a Little Something for Yourself in Return

.your man barbecues a meal for you or your family, compliment his grill skills, and, the next time you buy a cut of meat from the grocery store, tell him you know your cooking it on the stove just won’t compare to what he can do fixing it up over a charcoal fire.YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A man who will happily grill Cheerios on an open flame if it means he’ll get another compliment on his cooking prowess.

.your man cuts the lawn every week and trims up the hedges to keep the yard looking good, show your thanks by presenting him with a small rose bush or hydrangea that can be planted out front.YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A pretty flowering bush that’ll make the yard look great and, every time either of you pulls into the driveway, you’ll be reminded of your solidly rooted relationship. Plus, when the flowers bloom, he might just cut a few and put them in a vase for you.

.your man fixes the leaky faucet or changes the showerheads in the bathroom, show him your thanks by running him a hot bath later that evening.YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: Some quality alone time while he’s enjoying some for himself, or, even better, a steamy bath for two.

.your man helps the kids into their pajamas and reads a story to them before it’s time to kiss them goodnight, tell him that watching him bond with the kids is total husband porn and turns you on.YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: Trust me: he’ll put those kids to bed most every night and give them plenty of, um, encouragement to stay there if he thinks it’ll result in some quality alone time with you.

.your man makes all the reservations and arrangements for the two of you to have a fun, relaxing time together, tell him you appreciate his initiative to plan much-needed alone time just for the two of you.YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: You’ll spark his spontaneity and inspire him to plan more date nights for the two of you.

.your man fixes your car or makes arrangements with the mechanic to make sure it runs smoothly, or even just simply takes it to the car wash or fills up the tank with gas, thank him for keeping your sole source of transportation in good running condition.YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A working ride and a lifelong personal mechanic/car washer/tank filler-upper.

.your man washes a couple loads of laundry but leaves them for someone else (that would be you!) to fold, thank him for helping clear the hamper of the dirty clothes and invite him to help you fold them-together.YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: Not only help finishing up, but some quality time talking and laughing with the guy you love.

.your man runs to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and some eggs and cereal when you’re running low, thank him for noticing you were out of the essentials.YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A man who will be more likely to make runs to the store because he sees the need, not because you begged.

to Handle Money Problems with Men’s like my father used to say: the best thing you can do for a poor person is not be one of them. That’s because if a person in need comes to you for help-he doesn’t have the means to feed, clothe, or shelter himself-there’s nothing you can do for that guy if you’re broke too. This makes all the sense in the world to most men because we’re really clear that no matter how much we love our significant others and the families we create together, we can’t live off that love. It can’t pay the light bill. It doesn’t send in checks for the mortgage. You can’t drive it to the store or buy groceries with it. And no matter how much hugging is involved, it will not keep the people we love warm in the same way that good old-fashioned heat and electricity will. Simply put: we need money to provide the essentials for the people we love. And a man-a real man-will move heaven and earth to make sure that he has it, so that the people he loves have it.ability to do this is at the very core of manhood. From the moment the obstetrician smacks our bottoms and tells our mothers, “It’s a boy,” we are expected to understand and respect the fact that one of the most awesome responsibilities we will have as men is to have a clear-eyed, laserlike focus on who we are, what we do, and how much we make, and to use that to make sure that the people we love are taken care of-that they want for nothing, even after we’ve taken our last breath. As I wrote in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, being the chief provider in our lady’s life is also one of the key ways we show our love for her and the family we build together. It’s absolutely critical for a man to show his love in that specific way., then, the problems that can arise if a man can’t get his family’s money right. Let’s say you get married and the honeymoon season is over. Now you’re in the thick of living your lives together and, suddenly, the grind of paying bills is getting complicated-you’ve got a couple of credit cards that are past due, the money you had set aside for rent had to be used to fix the car, and you’re a little short on the cash you need for the gas bill. Now toss some kids in there and watch your bank accounts get sucked dry. This scenario was complicated enough while the two of you were single and dealing with it on your own, but the frustration, embarrassment, and stress only multiplies when you have to go through those financial complications in front of and with someone else, and someone other than you is severely affected. Not to devalue how women feel in these situations, but I can tell you that this can wreak havoc on a man’s ego.man, who vowed to love you beyond measure, can’t show his love in the best way he knows how-by making sure he can tend to your most basic needs and even by giving you the things the two of you dream about as a couple-a nice house in a better neighborhood, good schools for the kids, a comfortable and safe ride, a vacation or two. Multiply that by a thousand if he actually loses his job-a scenario that’s not uncommon in our current economy, where men are taking the lead in the numbers of workers who’ve both lost their jobs and remained unemployed. A man who isn’t working not only suffers the blow of not being able to provide for you, but he also suffers the indignity of feeling as if he can’t protect you: if he can’t afford to pay your car note, then you’re on the bus; if he can’t afford the rent, he’s going to have to move his family to a neighborhood that may not be as safe and where the schools may not uphold the standard you had in mind for the kids; if he can’t pay the electricity bill, the family is about to be a little chilly come wintertime. All of these things can make a man feel as if he’s failing to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Consider, too, that if he loses his job, he’s taking a hit in two of the three cornerstones of manhood-what he does and how much he makes. And that takes a huge toll on his identity and dignity.know what comes next: The two of you face down tough times with more arguments over spending. He checks out mentally and emotionally while the two of you grapple with hard financial decisions. He’s tense and a lot more anxious, his temperament is off. He is less romantic, can’t even think about sex because his mind is on twenty-four-hour churn, trying to figure out how he’s going to hoist his family on his shoulders and carry them through the financial mess in which he’s found himself. Most men want to do what they’re supposed to do and what’s required of them, and the moment they can’t, everything comes to a halt. I’m the first to admit that even now, as the primary breadwinner, I go into a shell if my family is feeling any kind of financial strain, and I don’t pull out of it until I can figure out how we can resolve any setbacks. During these periods, I’m not as talkative, I’m not as romantic, I’m not nearly as caring or attentive. I’m off in the corner with a look on my face that says, “I’ve got something on my mind and it will affect me and how I interact with you until I fix it.”, it’s nice when our women try to console us with the “I love you no matter what and we can get through this” pep talk-we appreciate you and thank you for your support and vowing to be with us ’til the end. In fact, we need that support. But it’s not going to change things-not going to affect in any way our mind-set. The pressure is on us as men, and no matter how much you say you understand and are in our corner, you cannot begin to fathom the pressure on us to produce, particularly in a man’s world. Witness us running into an old friend when we’re financially compromised and you’ll get a little taste of what runs through our mind at a thousand miles per minute: He knew I was the CEO of that company that tanked or that I was working at that plant that closed down a few months ago, and now when he asks me what I’m up to, my answer has to be, “nothing.”And when he asks me about you, I tell him, “It’s all good,” when he knows you must be concerned because things are tight now. A woman’s pep talk, no matter how heartfelt, won’t shake the feelings such an encounter can set off. And so we retreat.there are some ways you can help draw us out while we recover and figure out how to get back up on our feet:

. ORGANIZE YOUR MONEY AND GIVE HIM SOME CONTROLfinancial planner gave me this critical advice years ago: to really organize your money and help everyone in the house feel like they’re contributing and benefiting from their paychecks, every couple should have at least four bank accounts. One is the household checking account-the one where each of you deposits your paycheck. This makes one large family money pool from which a portion, for most of us the majority of, pays all of your bills and the necessities that help you live from day to day-the car note, the electricity and credit card bills, the tuition, the mortgage. The second account should be a savings account that requires two signatures to move any of the money. This is both the emergency fund-the cash you set aside for a rainy day and the fund in which you can save for life’s big expenses: housing, automobiles, tuition. It doesn’t matter if you transfer from your joint checking account 10 percent, 20 percent, or just $10 dollars a month; the point is that the two of you are using it to save, with the intention of using those savings for emergencies. The last two accounts should be individual accounts-one for him, and one for you. Those accounts comprise the spending allowances the two of you agree to keep solely for yourselves.these four accounts allows you to pool your resources together and work as a couple to get your finances in order, while helping you maintain your individuality. In some families, the car note may be her responsibility and the rent and tuition his. Now it’s all shared, even the child support. Now the two of you are linked together in a united financial front. In good times, that means the two of you are contributing as a couple toward the upkeep of your lives. In bad times, it’s the perfect way to help your man feel like he’s still got a handle on the finances, even if he’s not bringing in as much. If he’s writing the bills and the checks have his last name on them and he’s making decisions about which payment takes priority (or at least he thinks he is) and the lady down at the cable company is addressing him with respect-“Thank you, Mr. Johnson, for your payment”-then he doesn’t feel like someone is kicking him in the teeth every time a bill collector calls or another late notice shows up in the mailbox.pep talk that keeps him focused is the one where you tell him no matter who is putting what into the account, you need him to handle the money and keep the bills as current as possible-and that you trust him to do it. This goes a long way in helping him maintain at least some financial dignity while he works to get back on his feet. For the women who feel like this is handing over too much control, know that you still share the responsibility; the two of you still need to talk about the finances, no one can dip into the savings without checking in with the other, and the two of you still have your separate accounts that give you the autonomy you need for yourselves without any questions from your mate. If he wants to buy a box of cigars, he can dip into his individual account to buy them, no questions asked; if you want to get your nails done or buy a cute pair of shoes and you have the money in your individual account, he can’t say anything about it. See? Everybody has some control., if your man spends frivolously, isn’t taking care of business, and doesn’t seem like he’s remotely interested in climbing out of his jobless state, you’ve got a problem-and I don’t have the book to help you with that guy. Rest assured, a man who isn’t taking care of business is going against what I think are his natural instincts, and if you happen to be hitched to him in any way, you have the absolute right and power to walk away. Or you can hang in there-and good luck to you.the bottom line is that when you make the move to be with someone, from the get-go you have to play the game like you practice the game. If you have the hard conversations about finances and how the two of you handle bills and saving before you get in deep, and put into place this practice of handling money together in both good financial times and bad, then the sharing is going to work, even when something goes wrong, especially when things go wrong.

Date: 2015-01-02; view: 648