Section 2. Courtship

The First Veil

The tempter had deceived me through a confused picture of my Beloved. The combination of Christ revealed to men by His incarnation was fused together1 with the “Second Person of the Godhead” who possessed power, strength and honour from His own resources. This person was presented to me as equal because of His power rather than because of His inheritance

as a Son. None of this was obvious to me; I simply lived out the

predictable results of such a belief.

As I mentioned, I was further disillusioned by a number of events involving my fellow pastors. I saw favouritism, issues swept under the carpet and political manoeuvrings within church meetings.

With the loss of the closeness of my Beloved, sin did not appear so sinful, my conscience was not so tender, and self-pity allowed the tempter to take a stronger hold on my heart. Little self-indulgences grew into larger ones. As a religious leader, the exterior was carefully

1. This was my unwitting re-crafting of what Rome had done long ago in the doctrine of hypostatic union formalised at the council of Chalcedon in 451 A.D. It is the dialectic welding together of two opposites. Rome needed this doctrine to deal with the reality that self-existent Deity cannot die. I desired a crude form of this teaching to weld together a submissive trusting earthly Jesus to a self-reliant, self-assured heavenly Jesus.

maintained, but in my private moments, I worried less about the language and violence of the movies I watched. I became more interested in sport where respect by achievement was constantly played out before me.

In this state of mind, I stepped over a personal line that I considered unacceptable. It was nothing external and only within my heart, but according to the Law of God, I felt condemned. This brought me to a critical point in my life. Based upon the principle of honour and respect by hard work, integrity and discipline, I felt that I had failed. The only option I initially saw was to leave it all behind and forget about professing to be a Christian with such a high standard. If what I was preaching was not a reality in my life then I should stop preaching it. The Bible promises victory over sin for those who follow Christ by faith into the Most Holy Place. I was not experiencing this victory. I knew that God forgives sinners, but He also promises victory in the life.

Any possibility of having this Most Holy Place experience was rendered impossible because of my double mindedness over who Jesus really was. I had not even experienced the Holy Place experience due to my confused ideas. We will cover this in greater detail later on, but suffice it to say that I was robbed of the ability to have consistent, sweet fellowship with Jesus because I unwittingly held conflicting ideas about His Sonship. I didn’t even know the ideas were conflicting. I only experienced the conflict in my mind by my day to day dealing with life.

As I felt the weight of the Law upon me and as I considered my prospects, I found that through worshipping an idol of my imagination and the imagination of my immediate spiritual forefathers that:

...the commandment, which was ordained to life, I found to be unto death. (11) For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me. Romans

7:10-11.

The commandment that was ordained to life, I found to be unto death because of my sinful desire to be recognised by my achievements and enthroning such a god in my heart. I felt guilty before God. When I thought of guilt, I naturally thought of the Father, because my earthly father had been God’s agent to discipline me. So when

I had to face my sins, it was the Heavenly Father I had to face. How

could He forgive me? According to the law of respectable people, I felt unworthy of forgiveness. I also felt unworthy because part of me was disappointed that I could not continue the journey of winning adulation and praise for my services to God.

As I wrestled and prayed, my Beloved came to me and reminded me that the Father loves me. If I chose to cling to His sacrifice for my sin, then indeed I was truly forgiven.

As I searched through the confusing mist, I was seeking an assurance of the Father’s love. The Word of God said, “Believe!” Yet there was a stumbling stone in my way. The biblical Father of Jesus was intimately involved in my life, yet the Father of the Trinity felt more distant because Jesus did all the actual work. The Father really just sat on the throne and approved and smiled at the works of His Son. I did not know these things logically then, but in my mind that is what placed a gulf between me and the Father. Could He really forgive me?

The Word told me, “Why not hold it fast, Adrian?” Still I struggled.

And then the Word came to me:

To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. Ephesians 1:6.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16.

And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, crying, Abba, Father. Galatians 4:6.

Once again I was reminded that the separation of the Father from His Son is what revealed the Father’s feelings for us. Only in seeing that God was the Father of Jesus could I begin to appreciate His love for me. If Jesus was not really God’s Son then God was not giving up something that belonged to Him; He was watching “the Son” follow His convictions. We could say that the Father was giving up His relationship with the Son, but it was not a relationship that He owned, so this did not translate when I read “For God so loved the world.” When I read God in that sentence, I partly thought about three members of the Godhead deciding Jesus should come and at the same time that the Father sent Him. This confusion placed God’s grace and forgiveness at arm’s length. I stood like weary Pilgrim in

Pilgrim’s Progress just before the two great lions in his way. I could

see the safety of shelter just beyond, but first the test of faith.

In the moment of crisis, I reached for my real Father and chose to believe He forgave me. Joy flooded my soul as I clung to the assurance that I was accepted in the Beloved. Indeed He was my Beloved.

It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me. (5) I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please. (6) Who is this that cometh out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all powders of the merchant? Song of Solomon 3:4-6.

All the joys of my first love returned. Once again the love of Christ perfumed every recess of my soul. I was forgiven, twice forgiven; first for the sinfulness of my childhood and youth and now again for my idolatry in early adult life.

Shortly after these events, our Father ensured that I would have time to thoroughly study about His Son and begin to understand why I had wandered for so many years in a state of confusion. I became quite ill and had to cease my work as a minister. We moved to a place where I would have time to heal, study and pray.

During my convalescent moments, I recalled a long conversation I had had seven years earlier. One of my friends tried to tell me that there were problems with the Trinity and that that this teaching had not always been part of the church. I was shocked. I knew nothing about this. The implications this had for the church were too great for my mind to accept. Sadly I turned away from the subject and picked out a few choice inspired statements that appeared to support my belief. Nothing was going to make my Beloved appear to be any less than He deserved. I would not let any person diminish the divinity of Jesus. I, along with a number of other friends, considered this person as being deluded and side tracked from the real work of saving souls. This felt like the perfect argument for me to be able to demonstrate my faithfulness to God.

Now after seven years, I went to my friend and asked forgiveness for not being a Berean Bible student and proving all things. He kindly forgave me, and I then asked him for some materials to read on the subject. As I read, I felt myself drawn to the plain utterances of Scripture.

For as the Father hath life in himself; so hath he given to the Son to have life in himself; John 5:26.

And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent. John 17:3.

The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of

God; Mark 1:1.

And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God. Matthew 16:16.

God, who at sundry times and in divers manners spake in time past unto the fathers by the prophets, (2) Hath in these last days spoken unto us by his Son, whom he hath appointed heir of all things, by whom also he made the worlds; (3) Who being the brightness of his glory, and the express image of his person, and upholding all things by the word of his power, when he had by himself purged our sins, sat down on the right hand of the Majesty on high; (4) Being made so much better than the angels, as he hath by inheritance obtained a more excellent name than they. Hebrews 1:1-4.

My Beloved spoke to me through these words. As I read the Bible simply, it seemed to indicate that Jesus was indeed the Son of God. I began to yield myself to the joy of these thoughts when the tempter quietly said, “How could Jesus really be equal with the Father and yet be brought forth at some point? Adrian, this diminishes the divinity of Christ. Are you sure you want to put everything on the line for something you are not absolutely certain about?”

I emailed a respected scholar about these issues and he gave me what appeared to be plausible arguments. This combined with my desire to see Jesus fully divine and equal with the Father caused me to step back from fully embracing the truth that Jesus was the Son of God. Yet I had read enough Scripture to know that there were two sides to the story. I decided to stay open on the subject, but sadly I clung to the Trinity.

I would like to tell you that the fear of losing many friends and my standing in the church did not influence my decision, but I can’t say that. Some of my friends had been removed from the Church for rejecting the Trinity, and I really did not want to get myself involved in those types of situations. I accepted the argument against real Sonship given the scholar I had emailed without giving it proper consideration. My scholarly friend had suggested that as the future work of the coming Christ could be used in anticipation, the title Son also could be used in this way. Yes, The term Christ was indeed a title or office of the work of Christ for He was indeed the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world and that was the promise of what He would come to do. The term Christ was an office of the Son of God and therefore could be used in anticipation. However, the term Son was not an office but who He actually was in relation to the Father. My friend’s argument had turned the word Son from a being into an office. What is the difference? It’s the difference between who you are and what you do. It is being known in a relational context rather than a work or job context. Is the difference important? As I found out later, it was the difference between worshipping God instead of Satan.

My heart was now open to more of the issues concerning my Beloved. Yet I was still halting between two opinions. My heart now leaned towards the truth that Jesus indeed was the Son of God, but there were things I could not resolve.

Then he said unto them, O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken. Luke 24:25.

My loving Father took pity on me. He knew I needed more strength, eye salve and intercession from my Beloved to be prepared to face all the truth. All these things were to be found in the Holy Place. The bread of heaven, the light of the world and the mediation of Christ at the altar for me, would yield the answers I needed to be able to consider fully embracing my Beloved.

9 The Light of the World

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105.

In him was life; and the life was the light of men. John 1:4.

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth

me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. John 8:12.

As my mind was opened to the reality that Jesus really is a Son, several passages of Scripture suddenly flooded with light. Since Jesus is the cornerstone, all our perceptions of truth are connected to how we perceive Him. As the “Second Person of the Trinity,” my perception of “the Son” was one who did great things from His own resources. As the Son of the Father, I began to see the Son as one who receives all things, who receives blessing and is loved for who He is rather than what He does. These perceptions were not apparent to me but were manifested in the way I read Scripture and related to those around me.

Even though I did not have all the answers about the Trinity, the truth about Sonship changed the cornerstone of my faith, and this new precious cornerstone slowly began to bring all my beliefs into line with it. The god I had enthroned from my childhood was facing a serious challenge. Although I still partly perceived Jesus as all powerful solely

from His own resources, the concept of true Sonship allowed me to begin to copy this principle in my life. I began to emulate one who receives, one who is blessed by His Father and this began to change everything.

One Sabbath as I walked through a beautiful rural setting near my home, I began to think about the birth of my son. As I replayed the moment of his birth, I recalled the thoughts that were in my heart. As I held my son, I had prayed “Lord, please don’t let anything come between me and my son, and I pray that he would come to know me for who I am.” Now that I was open to seeing Jesus as a real Son, I was also ready to hear this clear response that came to me from my heavenly Father as I walked on that calm Sabbath day.

“That’s how I feel about you”

I was stunned. My shift in understanding as to who Jesus was, allowed me to perceive the real power of this statement. God was saying to me that He did not want anything to come between Him and me, and He just wanted me to know Him for who He is. Now that I perceived Jesus was a Son, I could truly copy Him and believe that I also was a son in my own sphere. The Sonship of Jesus to the Father made certain my sonship to the Father. Only through the Son of God could I start to understand this.

…I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God. John 20:17

To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. Ephesians 1:6

Despite this new understanding, when I perceived what our heavenly Father was saying to me, I felt a wave of resistance wash over my soul. The tempter reminded me of my failures and the reasons why I was unworthy of sonship. This war went back and forth in my mind as to whether I could claim the title of sonship and that the almighty God of heaven and earth wanted us to be close with nothing between us. It seemed like a dream too hard to believe. My heavenly Father quietly spoke to me, “Will you really reject my offer?”

“What am I doing?” I said to myself. “No Lord, I choose to believe that

you love me as a son. I don’t really understand it, but I believe.”

The Sonship of Jesus became the cornerstone of my own sonship. By beholding His Sonship I could claim mine. The light that was in the begotten Son flooded my soul. All of this was taking place within me without any understanding of how this related to the Trinity. It was a gradual process of rebuilding on the new cornerstone.

My new sense of sonship caused me to have a greater awareness of

my dependence on my Father. One day as I was reading:

And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: (5) For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:4-5.

It suddenly hit me that contained within this lie was a principle of self- reliance and independence. In quick succession light dawned upon my mind that independence means loss of blessing which means loss of value and worth. These thoughts were the genesis of the Identity Wars series I presented soon after. This was then followed by the book Identity Wars.1 Though I was unaware of how this shift in thinking was taking place, nonetheless the shift in understanding Jesus as a real Son led to a foundation of inheritance, which led to the principle of blessing, which led to the understanding of value by relationship as opposed to value by achievement.

I remember the first time that it hit me that Satan actually felt worthless due to this lie of self-reliance. If everything we are and do comes from God then we will only experience happiness, joy and peace when we acknowledge the One who gave it. The Son of God lives and breathes this perfectly. He does nothing of Himself, but acknowledges the Father as the great source of all. Yet Satan refused to acknowledge that all that he possessed came from God through Christ. This stripped him of the Father’s blessing which in turn made him the originator of worthlessness. I then could see that the seeds of this worthlessness were attached to the lie given to Adam and Eve in the garden. Worthlessness was concealed in the lie of self-reliance.

How long, O you sons of men, will you turn my glory to shame? How long will you love worthlessness and seek falsehood? Psalm 4:2 (NKJV).

1. See www.identitywars.org

Connecting Satan’s lie to finding value by achievement tore away layers of deception that the tempter had practised on me. The need to be appreciated for my efforts at church, the need to be always busy, the criticism of others for their failures all began to be exposed to the light that value does not come from what we achieve but to Whom we belong.

From the same serpent’s lie, I began to see more clearly that life is received from above. I had believed this in theory before, but as the cornerstone of my faith had been understood as a person of total self-reliance, my thoughts had become confused. I was then struck by these Bible passages:

God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands; (25) Neither is worshipped with men’s hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things; Acts 17:24-25.

Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature: (16) For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him: (17) And he is before all things, and by him all things consist. Colossians 1:15-17.

He gives life and breath to all men. Through Jesus all things consist or hold together. These thoughts burst with new light in the face of the real Sonship of Jesus. I did not understand how all these things were connected, but the new building of Bible teaching was taking shape all in accord with the cornerstone of Sonship.

My Beloved became much more attractive as the light of His Sonship flooded the Scriptures. Within a few short years, my whole understanding of the great controversy between Christ and Satan and the plan of salvation were radically altered. As the Light of the World opened my mind, I was now ready for a real feast of the Word.

10. The Bread of Life

The concept that depression and worthlessness were connected to the lie of self-reliance began to add deeper meaning to the fall of man, the conflict between good and evil and the whole process of salvation. My eyes were opened to the reality that man’s fall into sin was a fall into worthlessness and

shame. It is a state of living with the reality that we are doing things of which God does not approve. At the heart of this wretched state is the desire to rely upon yourself rather than upon God; it is a desire to be recognised for what you do rather than who gives you all things.

As I pondered these matters, the whole experience of Jesus hearing His Father’s voice telling Him that He loved Him and accepted Him as His Son, now spoke directly to me.

And lo, a voice out of the heavens, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. Matthew 3:17.

In my previous worship of the self-reliant Jesus, I could not clearly hear my Father speaking to me in this text. Yet now that I perceived Jesus as really being the Son of God, these words struck my heart as a balm to my soul. In the arms of the begotten Son, beholding Him; loving Him and being transformed by Him, I now could stand where Jesus stood in my own sphere and actually hear my heavenly Father tell me that I was His beloved son who pleases Him. Yet only

through Christ, the Son of God, could I hear this voice. As I pondered these things I was led to this statement that confirmed the thrill I experienced.

The voice which spoke to Jesus says to every believing soul, This is My beloved child, in whom I am well pleased.“Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when He shall appear, we shall be like Him; for we shall see Him as He is.” 1 John 3:2. Our Redeemer has opened the way so that the most sinful, the most needy, the most oppressed and despised, may find access to the Father. Desire of Ages, page 113.

Here, right here in Matthew 3:17 was the secret to my heart’s yearning, my desire to know that I am loved by the supreme Creator of the universe and that I am pleasing to Him. Simply by beholding the Son of God in the embrace of His Father, I was able to see by faith myself in that same embrace and hear those same words extended to me. By beholding a Son that inherited all without having to prove to the Father that He was worthy, I was enabled to accept all the loving inheritance that the Father yearned to bestow upon me.

How I wish that at this point in my life I had fully understood the Sonship of Jesus. Our Father was allowing me to taste the bread of life and how sweet it was, yet the grip of the Trinitarian tentacles caused me to go back and forth for some time. I will cover this in more detail in the next section, but it is important to mention that although I tasted of the sweet love of the begotten Son, I could not see that I was still quite confused and had built upon a double minded platform.

Yet despite this, I now would have regular periods of sheer joy. I clung to the living reality that the Father delighted in me. I could see it now; I could claim it now. When I stumbled and fell, I could look in the Word of God. Did the Father still delight in His Son? Yes! Then I am accepted in the Beloved. He must surely delight in me. The promise of eternal life was not based upon anything I did of myself because more and more I was looking through the Bible to a Jesus who did not rely on Himself, but rested in His Father’s promises.

With these things in mind, I read the whole story of the conflict in the wilderness and the baptism as a war over sonship and how it is obtained. Satan kept pressing Jesus to demonstrate His Sonship

by performing miracles or showing the world His power. I saw the conflict of Jesus with Satan as a battle for how sonship is defined. Is it simple trust in the Word spoken by the Father or must it be proved by what the son does?

Once again, the war I read about with Christ in the wilderness was the cornerstone of my own internal battle. What role model do I emulate to hold my sonship? Do I attempt to do great things or do I trust in my Father’s Word? Once again the confirmation came to me.

“Many look on this conflict between Christ and Satan [in the wilderness] as having no special bearing on their own life; and for them it has little interest. But within the domain of every human heart this controversy is repeated.” Desire of Ages, page 116.

The best part about this whole process is that rather than simply looking to Jesus and trying to copy what He did, the law of inheritance means that what He did is freely offered to me.

Let him who is struggling against the power of appetite look to the Saviour in the wilderness of temptation. See Him in His agony upon the cross, as He exclaimed, “I thirst.” He has endured all that it is possible for us to bear. His victory is ours. Desire of Ages, page 123.

This feasting in the Word of God almost made me burst. Such precious revelation! His victory is mine, by faith. I had tried many times before to cling to this truth, but the self-reliant Jesus I was worshipping kept washing me off the rock of truth not realising it all comes by inheritance!

Seeing worthlessness from a loss of sonship as a key part of the fall of man, I now saw the conflict of Jesus in the wilderness after His baptism as the cornerstone to to victory for a reclaimed Sonship . He refused to base his Sonship on anything but the words of His Father. “It is written” were the only responses He gave, he never responded to the doubts about if He were truly the Son of God or the need to prove who He was by miracles and power.

With this new understanding of how Jesus reclaimed our identity as sons and daughters of God, I now could begin to see this element in the message of Elijah.

Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD: And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse. Malachi 4:5,6.

At the heart of the Elijah message is a turning of the hearts of children to fathers and fathers to children. This led me to this passage

Children’s children are the crown of old men; and the glory

of children are their fathers. Proverbs 17:6.

And all of this glory was realised with a value system that states:

Thus saith the LORD, Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches: (24) But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the LORD which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the LORD. Jeremiah 9:23-24.

As a true son of God I did not need to glory in wisdom, might or riches; I only needed to glory in knowing my Father through Christ. I remember presenting these principles to an audience in Sydney, and seeing the joy that lit up the faces of the people as some began to catch a glimpse of the Father’s kingdom.

Early next morning, I awoke to the sound of singing. I heard in my thoughts the famous Charles Wesley hymn.

And can it be that I should gain

an interest in the Savior’s blood? Died He for me, who caused His pain- for me, who Him to death pursued? Amazing love! How can it be,

that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

Amazing love! How can it be,

that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

As I meditated on these words and the certainty of my sonship to the Father through Christ and that my Father in heaven was indeed my glory, I felt an overwhelming sense of love, joy and peace sweep over me. The sense of love I felt was so great that I could not speak as the tears of joy came forth. I really can’t describe the experience fully.

I came under deep conviction that I needed to share this with others. I prayed for strength to share this precious message of what it means to be a son of God through Christ. As I sat there and recalled all the aspects of the message I had learned in such a short space and what a blessing they had brought to my life, I just worshipped our Father and our Lord Jesus for such wonderful things. All of this sweet knowledge was coming to light through the person of the Son of God.

From this point I eagerly desired to press forward and share the joy I had found. But even in this pressing forward there were some things I still needed to learn, things that would enable me to truly enter the Most Holy Place experience.

Interlude II

In the stillness of dawn, I wait for Him. My Beloved moves swiftly over the mountains, the crooked way He makes straight. Our fellowship is sweet. He whispers to me from His inherited treasures; His words fall like honey upon my lips. How sweet are His words to my taste.

Like a deep spring, my Beloved pours forth a crystal stream of living water for my soul. I rejoice to taste this living water and yet there are things that leave me puzzled. My dearly Beloved, forgive my slowness of heart to catch every drop of knowledge you impart to me. Please let me catch my breath and take time to come to terms with these delights.

If only they knew Beloved, if only my countrymen really knew you! Then would they know why I love you, why your fellowship is so sweet. I pour out my heart in thanksgiving for showing me the way to the Father through your Sonship. I feel the Father’s love for You in my heart, I have the evidence of being a co-heir with you, my Beloved. You are altogether lovely.

Will you take me, my Beloved, to the Most Holy Place? I have longed to find entrance, yet have stumbled and fallen with shameful tears. As a son of the first Adam, I am blinded to how to find entrance. Will you take me, my Beloved? Will you take me to the secret place of the Most High? I know that I am unworthy, but I put my trust in you, my Beloved, for you are the Way to Life.

I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock. (6) I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer. Song of Solomon 5:5-6.

Date: 2015-12-18; view: 557