Section One. The Invitation

Section One. The Invitation

1. The Bridegroom 3

2. The Allurement 7

3. Confusion 12

4. The Door 17

5. The Altar 21

Interlude I 26

6. The Laver 27

7. More Confusion 31

Section 2. Courtship

8. The First Veil 39

9 The Light of the World 45

10. The Bread of Life 49

Interlude II 54

Section 3. Halting Between Two Opinions

11. War Between the Flesh and the Spirit 55

12. The Drama of Transformed Identity 60

13. Mind Games 64

14. A House of Cards 69

Interlude III 74

Section 4. Rescued by My beloved

15. Elijah 75

16. Altogether Lovely 81

17. Refiner’s Fire 86

18. Apollyon 92

19. The Comforter 97

Interlude IV 103

Section 5. The Most Holy Place

20. Betrothed by the Ancient of Days 105

21. Before the Ark of the Covenant 109

22. The Joy of My Beloved 114

Postlude 120

Journey towards the Most Holy Place

Forward

Let’s take a journey! This book is all about the journey, a trip through life, a walk through the sanctuary, a path in the steps of Jesus. But the journey has a parallel one. It walks beside Christian and his Pilgrim Progress. It shoulders up to the experience we all share in living life, facing choices, searching for acceptance, honor and love.

Voices beckon to us from both the Beloved and the Deceiver. They sound so much alike! Pastor Ebens describes in a most personal way his journey of discovery in finding the One altogether lovely, hearing His voice, the voice of a Son and the voice of His Father. The voice is soft and still, small in the eyes of men who are so easily attracted to the tinsel and glitter, praise and acclaim that entices each of us every day and in so many ways. The voice speaks clearly through the reading of His Word, and this book is filled with Scripture, lighting our way through the Holy Place and finally into the Holiest of all!

Who is the Beloved? Why is He Beloved? Who has Beloved him? Crucial questions that receive clear answers in the following pages. The critical difference between Who he is and What he does is the great divide over which the god of this world has committed all his energy to hide, obscure and deceive the whole world and if possible the very elect. Our eternal life depends on knowing the difference. What you are about to read will make that difference real and wonderful.

So, take the first step in a journey of joy, peace and love—from

discovering Your Beloved.

Dr Gary Hullquist. Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

Prelude

I hear His footsteps, my pulse quickens in anticipation.

I hear His voice like the sound of many waters. It is like a sweet balm to my soul. My Beloved is calling. Could it be I for whom He calls? How could such precious hope be nurtured in my breast? From where does this notion rise? Why should I be counted worthy of His notice–this mighty Prince, Beloved Son of the Father?

Do I dare to hope? Will it not reveal the folly of my mind? Shall I not be laughed to scorn for my childish dreams? This is the mighty and valiant Prince, the strength and pride of His majestic Father; how could it be possible that He calls for me?

Listen! Do you hear in the stillness? He calls again! His voice, most sweet, penetrates the chilled night air, searching for His beloved. Oh heart of mine, do not give way to doubt! Do not expose yourself to the arrows of the scornful! He calls for me; yes, for me He is calling. I hear my name! Surely He is calling for me!

Oh my Beloved, I am here! Every fibre of my being thrills for you. All that I am is yours. Faith takes the wing and soars upon courage over the majestic mountains covered with roses and into the valleys perfumed with lilies.

I see Him! From my vantage point of the Sycamore, can’t you see Him? My Beloved comes; the desire of all ages comes! Oh dear Ancient of Days, grant me strength; my heart faileth for joy; I am overcome with delight! I hasten my request to you by the hand of my Beloved.

Oh daughters of Jerusalem, rejoice with me, for I see in Him such matchless charms; O how I love Him! This majestic Prince perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, emerges from the mist. I turn my head to see Him, straining my eyes to see, if truly, He is looking for me.

Then I awake. Where am I? What happened? Was it all a dream? Have I deceived myself with childish hopes? Surely, He is looking for me! I am certain of it. Take courage dear heart of mine. Trust, oh yes, trust that He is looking for you.

Section One. The Invitation

The Bridegroom

The Father rises from His throne and in a flaming chariot goes into the Most Holy Place of the Heavenly Sanctuary. Thrones are set in place, and the Ancient of Days is seated. The prophet Daniel, beholding this scene in vision, reveals that His garments are white like snow, and His hair is like pure wool. Millions of angels surround the throne; some are directly involved in the proceedings while the rest gaze upon the majestic scene in anticipation.

The Son of Man, from the time He left the earth, has been engaged in the precious work of intercession for the fallen sons and daughters of Adam. The prayers of the saints ascend to the Father with requests for forgiveness, grace, strength, courage, light, comfort, and cheer. Jesus faithfully presents these requests to His Father and pleads His blood on behalf of His brethren from earth.

The Father sees the Spirit of His Son moving in the hearts of the suppliants; as He witnesses their love for His Son and trust in His Word that “whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have eternal life,” (John 3:15) the Father of lights mercifully sends forth the comforting Spirit of Christ with healing, grace, love, power, and joy.

Although the sacred mediatorial work of Christ was obscured by the mystical philosophy of the little horn power, millions of souls still found access to grace through Christ, their Lord and Saviour. Down through the centuries of the Dark Ages the saints of God could come boldly to the throne of grace, knowing that the Son of God “ever liveth to make intercession for them.” (Hebrews 7:25).

In several places in the Scriptures God left evidences of a time when a significant change would take place in the intercessory work of Christ. Paul spoke to Felix of “judgment to come” (Acts 24:25). John saw a messenger flying in the midst of heaven proclaiming the time when “The hour of his Judgment is come” (Revelation 14:6, 7). He also saw the temple of God opened in heaven, and he saw the ark of His testament with lightnings, voices and thunders amongst other things. (Revelation 11:19)

In preparation for this judgment hour, the earth was lightened with a message from heaven that indicated that Christ was coming. The prophetic framework had been painstakingly laid by William Miller amongst others who traced the time for the cleansing of the Sanctuary to the year 1844. Mission stations around the world heralded the news that Christ was coming! Christ was indeed coming but it was not to the earth to claim His bride, but rather to His Father to determine who would comprise the bride. The wedding does not take place after the Second Coming but before!

The wise virgins who heard the cry “Behold the bridegroom cometh” were enabled to discern their misunderstanding of where the Bridegroom was going. And so we read:

I saw in the night visions, and, behold, one like the Son of man came with the clouds of heaven, and came to the Ancient of days, and they brought him near before him. (14) And there was given him dominion, and glory, and

a kingdom, that all people, nations, and languages, should serve him: his dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom that which shall not be destroyed. Daniel 7:13-14.

As Jesus was carried on a cloud and brought near to the Ancient of Days, the whole concept of sanctification for the Christian was transformed. Until this time those who trusted in Christ had little idea that a time would come when the work of forgiveness for sin would cease before the coming of Christ to claim His bride.

Behold, I will send my messenger, and he shall prepare the way before me: and the Lord, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to his temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, he shall come, saith the LORD of hosts. (2) But who may abide the day

of his coming? and who shall stand when he appeareth?for he is like a refiner’s fire, and like fullers’ soap: (3) And he shall sit as a refiner and purifierof silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the LORD an offering in righteousness. (4) Then shall the offering of Judah and Jerusalem be pleasant unto the LORD, as in the days of old, and as in former years. (5) And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and against false swearers, and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the LORD of hosts. Malachi 3:1-5.

As God’s people studied carefully the prophecies of the Bible, they discovered that those who would abide the day of His coming would pass through the refiner’s fire and be purified like gold and silver. They discovered that God would come so close to them in judgment that they would stand before God without a mediator for sin. (Isaiah 59:16).

The Most Holy Place experience would bring God’s people into such intimate connection with their Saviour that truly it can be said of them:

Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.

1 John 3:2.

At the time that Jesus was brought in before the Father, the majority of the Christian world refused to accept that Christ was firstly coming, and secondly that He was coming to the Ancient of Days to receive a kingdom through a process of Judgment.

This Judgment allows the Bridegroom to search the heart of His bride to see whether she truly loves and trusts Him. Does she trust Him enough to bring her through the Judgment? Does she believe that He can carry her to the point where she could live without mediation for sin? Will His promises to her hold fast and bring her into the haven of rest?

The Most Holy Place experience requires the prospective bride to closely examine her prospective Husband even as He closely examines her. Who is this Son of Man? Where did He come from? What are His credentials? What is His relation to the Ancient of Days, the Father? Why does He require such an exacting process of refinement? Is it possible for a person to be intimate with another person of whom little to nothing is known of His origins? Would such a person be trusted to carry another through the Most Holy Place experience?

This brings us to the theme of this book, learning all we can about the Son of Man in the context of the Most Holy Place experience. While it would be possible to simply list all the facts of Scripture concerning this majestic Prince of Life, the Most Holy Place experience invites us to a marriage and therefore sets the stage for the telling of a love story. I think most of us prefer stories to raw facts if given the option.

In the coming chapters I will share with you my experience in coming to know the Bridegroom and why I have fallen in love with Him. I will show you how He captured my heart and why He was worth forsaking all to obtain.

Jesus is the way to life, and we are told in Psalms that:

Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God? Psalm 77:13.

This love story will be built upon the path of the Sanctuary, starting with the door and leading right into the Most Holy Place. Added to this main theme will be elements of the story from Pilgrim’s Progress along with themes contained in the Song of Solomon.

The Allurement

I stood transfixed gazing into the starry heavens. Beneath a cloudless sky I surveyed the majesty and grandeur of the Milky-Way Galaxy. It is one of my earliest memories of an encounter with my Creator. I was four years old and the vividness of that memory remains with me. What beauty, what greatness my eyes beheld. I was taught as a child that:

The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament

sheweth his handywork. Psalm 19:1.

By the word of the LORD were the heavens made; and all the host of them by the breath of his mouth. Psalm 33:6.

My mother would take every opportunity to tell me that God made this world and everything in it. These thoughts were buried under the many exciting activities afforded a carefree child growing up in the 1970’s. Most of my childhood was centred on playing with friends, going to school and keeping myself entertained. I scan my memory looking for moments when my attention was arrested to hear the voice of my Beloved.

There are many things I could assume took place, but it is what springs from the memory that connects the dots of the love story. There are some things that I recall through negative experiences. I recall one night when my parents attended a concert and one of their friends took care of my sister and me. I distinctly recall the anxiety I felt as I lay awake in my bed, straining my ears listening for the sound of an engine coming into our drive way.

Though I did not recognise it then, I see now that my parents manifested the protection of my Beloved. I have clear memories of feeling safe in the knowledge of my father’s strength, especially when he hugged me and held me close. To me, my father could run like the wind, lift heavy objects, swing an axe with grace and power, and build anything. My experience confirms the truth that:

Children’s children are the crown of old men; and the glory

of children are their fathers. Proverbs 17:6.

My Beloved placed my father in my life as an expression of His strength, grace and ability to do anything for the love and protection of His children. The other thing I recall is the encouragement, sympathy and nurture of my mother. There were the special treats she would bake, cuts and bruises she would nurse, her cheering voice when I had scaled some obstacle or her calming voice quoting from the Psalms as a violent storm passed over our dwelling. Once again I could hear the voice of my Beloved through the nurturing care of my mother.

By an encounter with an angry tiger snake and an unaccountable escape from certain harm in a car accident, I became aware of the protection of My Beloved. My mother’s favourite text from Scripture was deeply impressed upon me:

The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them. Psalm 34:7.

I distinctly recall a picture from the Bible stories my mother would read to me. It showed a little boy in a red toy wagon with a car coming towards him and an angel with large wings shielding the boy from the car. This was such a comforting message sent from my Beloved, revealing how He sends His angels to care for us.

My father’s faith in God has been simple and practical. I recall two themes from his lips: keep the commandments of God and love your fellow man. Two of the texts that he emphasised were:

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. Ecclesiastes 12:13.

Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. Matthew 7:12.

His emphasis on doing right and being honest caused me to develop a tender conscience. I recall a number of occasions when I transgressed the law and my conscience was smitten with guilt. I recall a tearful prayer to God to forgive me at the age of six. Today, guilt is often perceived as a terrible affliction. Yet for me, I thank God for such a tender conscience. Through it, I heard the loving, guiding, warning voice of my Beloved.

My parents purchased a ten volume series called “The Bible Story.” Some of these stories we had on vinyl record. I recall listening to the story of Moses and the Red Sea, Joshua and Jericho, David and Goliath, Elijah and Elisha. We still have this series in my home and many of the pictures bring back childhood memories. These stories laid upon the protective and nurturing care of my parents allowed me to catch glimpses of my Beloved. Through these stories He taught me the story of this world, how it began, what went wrong, the conflict between good and evil, the remedy for sin, how this world will end, and what will be the reward of those who love God and keep His commandments including the Sabbath.

I recall attending church and Sabbath School as well as attending the church primary school. Of the first twelve years of my life, I recall few if any events that caught my attention concerning spiritual matters. I remember colouring in pictures, singing songs, playing with fuzzy felts, but there is no recollection of any real spiritual impact. What

I find even more amazing is that although I had listened to many stories about Jesus in my first twelve years, I have almost no memory of it. I have one or two memories of altar calls and my feeling the pressure of many eyes looking at me with knowledge that those who stood up were seen as good and those who didn’t were seen as bad.

Our Church has a youth organisation called Pathfinders in which a young person progresses through various levels for certain course work and activities achieved. At age twelve I was required to read through the Bible as part of my course work. This was the first time I really had to engage the Bible. I have several memories from the stories in Genesis and Numbers. I confess I skim read Leviticus

amongst other books of the Bible! I remember some of the other stories in the Old Testament and the Gospels. Although my motivation was primarily to get the task completed, there was also an interest arising in my heart that yielded questions about certain stories that

aroused my curiosity. This was my first real taste of the Word of God. Part of my course work required me to memorise the twenty-third Psalm and the Beatitudes of Matthew 5. These words impacted me:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. (2) He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. (3) He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. (4) Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. (5) Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. (6) Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. Psalm 23:1-6.

It is from this passage that my Beloved first really enticed me to meditate about Him. As I read the words “the LORD is my shepherd,” I thought about someone tenderly caring for sheep, scanning the horizon for any potential danger. I made the connection between the Shepherd and Jesus. Then the question gently surfaced in my mind, What does “I shall not want” mean? I remember discerning that I would not lack anything because the Shepherd would supply all that was needed. My Beloved was speaking to me by His Word. The voice was soft and subtle, yet I felt the stillness of the waters I was reading about. How I wish that I could have listened to that voice undisturbed, but there was another voice that we will discuss in the next chapter which distracted me, deceived me, flattered me, frightened me and discouraged me.

Around this time I took Bible studies with our Church pastor in preparation for baptism. I do not recall much of those lessons, but I had a sense that God, my parents and my church were pleased with my decision. I had no distinct ideas of the God I was vowing to serve. I knew that there was God and Jesus His Son. I had been taught about the Holy Spirit but had no real idea of its work. I believed that God sent His Son into the world and that if I believed in Jesus I would have eternal life. It was a simple transaction done in simple faith.

As I ponder my foundational years, I see the hand of my Beloved in so many places. Foundation stones were set in place that moved me towards a knowledge of my Lord. Yet despite all these advantages, my inheritance from Adam and the environment in which I grew up

made my childhood baptism far less meaningful than it could have been. In all the years of education I had received, I still did not really know enough about my Beloved to make my baptism truly meaningful. Also there were several cross currents sweeping my church that were moving my Beloved further away from me and beyond my grasp.

I trust that God was pleased with my commitment to Him and His Son, yet my simple childhood vow was soon completely undermined by a harvest of tares that the wicked one had managed to sow into my life.

Confusion

The voice of my Beloved anointed my childhood through the tender loving care of my parents, my encounters with nature and the stories of the Bible. The allurement was soft and subtle, yet I smile now as I reflect on the peace, tranquillity and blessing I would sense in those encounters. How I wish that this was the only voice my ears had ever heard.

It was difficult to hear the voice of my Beloved for although He was very close to me, He sounded far away. Another voice appeared to be much closer. It was louder, more assertive and even forceful at times. This voice can best be summed up in these verses:

For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: (14) I will ascend above the heights of the clouds;

I will be like the most High. Isaiah 14:13-14.

This voice had a natural resonance with me. It suggested that happiness was found in entertainment and amusement, in candy (lollies in Australia!) and cartoons, in drawing attention and admiration. Early in my experience I discerned that holding an audience, making them laugh or invoking praise brought a high level of satisfaction. The emotions that washed over my soul felt similar to those that came from gazing into the heavens or being embraced by my parents. They both felt good; I just could not discern the difference between the voices.

This voice enticed me to find delight in cakes, lollies, ice cream and fizzy drink. Parental restraint caused me to complain loud and long until I felt the rod of correction. Television was a significant educator. I watched characters with super powers defeating dangerous foes. I observed families that looked similar to mine deal with life’s challenges by their own intelligence without the need for prayer. I watched children’s movies that portrayed happy endings without the central characters feeling the need for God, a Bible or prayer.

Part of my unspoken educational training at school was that happiness came from gaining the notice and attention of those around me. This unwritten law suggested to me that if I wanted approval, I needed to study hard. As a young child, studying hard was not at all inviting; therefore I discovered other ways to gain attention! Playing the clown both caught the attention of the other students and caused the teacher to stop the class just for me! It was wonderful while it lasted. Yet once again the rod of correction informed me that there were costs to seeking this type of attention.

Upon reflection, the voice of the tempter would push in two directions. I was either enticed to gain attention by clowning and challenging authorities in my life or by seeking to gain the attention of authorities and the admiration of friends through diligent effort to study, to excel and to be a model child. Either way, this voice suggested that happiness comes from holding the attention of an audience in some capacity.

The less I felt accepted by my parents, the more the voice of the tempter would push me towards challenging authority and playing the clown. The more I felt accepted by my parents, the more I endeavoured to distinguish myself by good grades at school. Yet this was not all. I also would seek to show my family and friends that I was a good Christian. In this context the voice of my Beloved and the voice of the tempter sounded almost identical.

My Beloved wanted me to obey my parents, read the Bible, pray and do well in my studies. Yet when the tempter saw that I desired the approval of those in authority over me, he would encourage me to do exactly the same things, yet for a very different purpose. As a child, I had no capacity to understand and discern difference of purpose. A child only understands that he receives commands and chooses to

obey or disobey. There is no understanding of why he chose to obey or disobey.

Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; (2) But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father. (3) Even so we, when we were children, were in bondage under the elements of the world: Galatians 4:1-3.

The allurement of my Beloved through my parents and the Bible stories convinced me that seeking notoriety by resistance to authority was both wrong and painful. These conclusions were not really conscious; they were just subconscious observations. So I favoured the path of attention through hard work, effort and acceptable achievements. This did not mean I did not fall onto the other path when authorities appeared to be unjust, biased or inconsistent. I learned that even after hard effort, the goal of honour could still elude me.

Nearly every area of my experience informed me that the aim of life was to seek attention through achievement. There was one lone, still voice that was trying to tell me something different. Around the time I read the Bible for myself at twelve years of age, I became interested in the story of Jesus dying on the cross for sinners. I had received enough discipline in my life to know that I was a sinner, although I felt I was not as bad as others!

The story of the cross suggested to me that God accepted people just as they are regardless of their achievements. I know that my Beloved was calling to me, but the voice was so soft in comparison to the other voice that suggested to me that heaven went to great expense to deal with my sin problem and that since God had gone to all this trouble to send His Son to die for me then I really needed to show Him that I was grateful. I needed to demonstrate that I was worth all this fuss and effort.

This made so much sense to me. I discerned from many of my encounters with human authorities that the time involved in correcting me caused irritation and used up precious resources that were otherwise put to a more worthy cause. As the voice of the tempter has often cried:

To what purpose is this waste? Matthew 26:8

So we see that through the underlying chorus of seeking attention, the most enduring symbol of a Father’s love for His children in giving His Son to die was turned into the greatest reason to gain approval by displaying my gratitude through faithful adherence to the disciplines of the Christian life. These stirrings in my soul were all very embryonic for a twelve year old, yet the seeds were sown and the harvest was coming.

After my baptism the voice of the tempter reminded me that I was now locked into being a good boy and at the same time was encouraging me to gain attention by old and familiar methods. Like my Saviour before me, he was trying to get me to prove myself by turning stones into bread or jumping down from the temple to gain attention. The Sabbath was the toughest experience in this frame of mind. It was like climbing Mount Sinai every seventh day. Within a very short time of my baptism, I began to despair of being able to please God. Very little of this was evident to my mind; it just manifested itself in the gradual decline of spiritual interest, being replaced by activities to help me forget what I had vowed to God.

Looking back now, I see the cunning wiles of the tempter drawing me into a desire to please God driven by an underlying desire to gain attention and approval. I fell into the predictable result of seeking to immerse myself in diversional entertainment. Right in the critical teen years, I became a vessel riding the current of disillusionment born on the winds of self-exaltation. Within the space of five years I was chewing on the husks in the swine troughs.

My childhood training prevented me from plunging into the depths of self-harm and abuse where many teenagers find themselves, yet the emotions were of a similar harvest. I thank my Beloved so much that I did not encounter the physical scars that many teenagers experience.

I can only imagine how hard it was for my Beloved to watch me respond so easily to the voice of the tempter and follow his suggestions. How hard it must have been to watch me reap the harvest I had sown. Many times I thought that the voice that was guiding me was indeed the voice of my Beloved when sadly it was the voice of my adversary.

I shudder to think that I knew so little about my Beloved that I could not discern His voice from that of the tempter. The warm glow that came from receiving an award at school before my peers felt similar

to the warm embrace of my father. The laughter that exploded in response to my clowning felt very similar to when I gazed in awe upon the starry heavens. The actions of reading the Bible, praying and attending church were desired by both my Beloved as well as the tempter, yet for very different reasons that were beyond the comprehension of my developing mind.

The battle to tell these two voices apart will unfold in the coming chapters. I pray that as you ponder these things you will discern some of the nature of this battle and the narrowness of the way to life. The thought that I could so easily respond to the tempter and hurt my Beloved is a source of shame and humiliation for me, but I trust in His merciful forgiveness and tender patience.

4. The Door

Retreating from my vow to God by the means of diversional entertainment began to yield a harvest of dizzying proportions. My merry-go-round experience seemed to go faster with each tightening circle. The need for attention and acceptance placed increasingly greater demands upon

me, while opportunities to succeed seemed to diminish.

So many young people clamouring for the central position of attention in the various modes of my culture could only be held by a few at one time. The tempter’s suggested dreams and aspirations nurtured in my heart began to yield the predictable harvest of disillusionment. I often would imagine myself performing some great achievement for which all my peers, my community and nation would congratulate me. I would sit mesmerised watching heroic sportsmen from Australia receive the gold medal for their chosen field and the tempter would whisper to me that this was the road to salvation.

Justifying my existence by distinguished achievements of mind and body appeared to be the perfect solution to dealing with the imagined irritation that I had caused God, my parents, and my church by my failures. This desire to justify my existence was as natural and instinctive as breathing. I had no idea that I was being groomed in the worship of Cain, seeking to offer what I had produced as an offering for

worship to God. By listening to the tempter’s voice, I had unwittingly placed myself on a collision course with the law of life. Justification of my existence through achievement in comparison with others is diametrically opposed to loving and caring relationships with those same people. True friendship unknowingly slipped from my grasp because every individual around me was potentially a threat to my goals or conversely an ally to be used in obtaining those goals. Yet all the while I desired to be loved and have close friends.

These oppositional forces would erupt in my soul from time to time as warning signals of the path I was treading. I distinctly remember a basketball game that caused an eruption for all to see. I had managed to dislodge the ball from an opponent at a critical point in the game, yet the teacher refereeing called a foul against me. The spirit of achievement focused on self-justification momentarily immobilised all sense of respect for my teacher by my issuing a torrent of angry words as to the incorrectness of his decision. I completely lost all sense of my obligation to respect those in authority. Rage engulfed me and suggested a range of very unsavoury responses.

I heard the voice of my Beloved speak to me. Quietly came the questions, “Are you okay Adrian? Is this really what you want to be like?” At the critical point where the tempter was harvesting a crop of rebellion from me, my Beloved was able to ask me if I liked the taste or whether I desired something better. In the depths of darkness I was enabled to distinguish the difference in the voices. The dark, sullen, revengeful spirit that had taken control of me was now contrasted with the tender, sweet and gentle voice of my Beloved.

The referee banned me from the competition. The tempter suggested retaliation; my Beloved suggested I consider carefully my path. The voices were widening, and the great controversy over my soul was in earnest. This was a pivotal point in my life—an eternal moment where a decision was made that would set the course of my path. My Beloved called to me in such a manner as to evoke in me a deep desire to change. I did not want to be nasty, aggressive or violent; I wanted peace, joy and love. A doorway began to take shape in my mind; the choice was starting to take focus. This desire had to be strengthened by more baleful harvest from the tempter’s suggestions.

The all-wise Ancient of Days was not mocked by my foolishness. Providence allowed that a series of events placed together in quick

succession caused me to want to leave the pig pen and return to the Father’s house. As the opposing tectonic plates of my desires collided, I was afforded brief snapshots of my sinful character that I could not hide. With each harvest that the tempter was gaining from me, the greater the call from my Beloved to turn my feet towards salvation’s highway and find freedom from the tyranny of self.

The seemingly innocent desire for acceptance by my skill and effort left me with the reality that:

From the sole of the foot even unto the head there is no soundness in it; but wounds, and bruises, and putrifying sores: they have not been closed, neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment. Isaiah 1:6.

As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: (11) There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. (12) They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one. Romans 3:10-12.

My Beloved displayed such skill and wisdom in dealing with me. He knew the pain I would suffer, yet allowed me to choose the path I desired. He placed no restrictions upon me and walked with me

through the painful harvest that I had gleaned from the tempter. Each time I fell, He did not berate me, He did not condemn me, and He did not display a spirit of irritation. He simply asked me if I wanted something better; He let me taste a little of His love by wooing my heart. The door now stood fully open before me. I discerned the chains around my arms, my feet, and my neck. I could now see I was bound for certain destruction, yet hope from my Beloved flickered deep in my soul.

Then said Evangelist, “Why not willing to die, since this life is attended with so many evils?” The man answered, “Because, I fear that this burden that is upon my back will sink me lower than the grave, and I shall fall into Tophet. Isa. 30:33. And Sir, if I be not fit to go to prison, I am not fit to go to judgment, and from thence to execution; and the thoughts of these things make me cry.”

Then said Evangelist, “If this be thy condition, why standest thou still?” He answered, “Because I know not whither to go.” Then he gave him a parchment

roll, and there was written within, “Fly from the wrath to come.” Matt. 3:7.

The man therefore read it, and looking upon Evangelist very carefully, said, “Whither must I fly?” Then said Evangelist, (pointing with his finger over a very wide field,) “Do you see yonder wicket-gate?” Matt. 7:13,14. The man said, “No.” Then said the other, “Do you see yonder shining light?” Psalm

119:105; 2 Pet. 1:19. He said, “I think I do.” Then said Evangelist, “Keep that light in your eye, and go up directly thereto, so shalt thou see the gate; at which, when thou knockest, it shall be told thee what thou shalt do. Pilgrim’s Progress Stage One.

5. The Altar

I now knew that I needed a Saviour. The turbulence stirring within my soul caused me to long for the haven of rest. Through careful management, my Beloved had helped me to discern more clearly the voice of the tempter. I was now fleeing from the city of destruction, yet was uncertain which way to

travel. My heart was drawn to consider Jesus. For the first time in my life I felt the desire to really know Him. I had been taught that Jesus was a loving Saviour throughout the seventeen years of my life, yet till now, I had not discerned exactly from what I needed saving.

Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life:

no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. John 14:6.

The way to freedom was through Christ, yet how? At twelve, I had accepted Jesus as my Saviour, I had confessed what sins I understood and I believed that He would come again for me. Yet, something was missing. As I had no idea of the depth of my slavery, I had no appreciation of the gift of my Saviour.

…but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little. Luke 7:47.

The book Steps to Christ came to mind and I thought “This is exactly the book that I need.” No longer reading with the aim of displaying

religious fervour and no longer seeking to show God I was thankful, the words I read began to penetrate my soul.

Nature and revelation alike testify of God’s love. Our Father in heaven is the source of life, of wisdom, and of joy. Steps to Christ, page 9.

God has bound our hearts to Him by unnumbered tokens in heaven and in earth. Through the things of nature, and the deepest and tenderest earthly ties that human hearts can know, He has sought to reveal Himself to us. Ibid, page 10.

The Son of God came from heaven to make manifest the Father. “No man hath seen God at any time; the only begotten Son, which is in the bosom of the Father, He hath declared Him.” John 1:18. “Neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal Him.” Ibid, page 11.

The words found a chord in my soul. A tinge of joy came to me as I thought of Jesus coming to reveal the love of the Father to us. Then it began to describe Him.

He went about doing good and healing all that were oppressed by Satan. There were whole villages where there was not a moan of sickness in any house, for He had passed through them and healed all their sick. His work gave evidence of His divine anointing. Love, mercy, and compassion were revealed in every act of His life; His heart went out in tender sympathy to the children of men. He took man’s nature, that He might reach man’s wants. The poorest and humblest were not afraid to approach Him. Even little children were attracted to Him. They loved to climb upon His knees and gaze into the pensive face, benignant with love.

Jesus did not suppress one word of truth, but He uttered it always in love. He exercised the greatest tact and thoughtful, kind attention in His intercourse with the people. He was never rude, never needlessly spoke a severe word, never gave needless pain to a sensitive soul. He did not censure human weakness. He spoke the truth, but always in love. He denounced hypocrisy, unbelief, and iniquity; but tears were in His voice as He uttered His scathing rebukes. He wept over Jerusalem, the city He loved, which refused to receive Him, the way, the truth, and the life. Ibid, page 11, 12

I felt my heart open to my Beloved. He was someone who did not censure human weakness, was full of compassion, and exercised tact. Little children loved to climb on His knee! As I thought about Him in comparison to myself, I felt the darkness of shame seek to block the streams of light coming into my soul. He is so holy, pure and righteous and I am so unholy, impure and selfish. “It’s no use,” whispers the tempter. “Keep reading, Adrian,” replies My Beloved.

Every soul was precious in His eyes. While He ever bore Himself with divine dignity, He bowed with the tenderest regard to every member of the family of God. In all men He saw fallen souls whom it was His mission to save. Such is the character of Christ as revealed in His life. This is the character of God. It is from the Father’s heart that the streams of divine compassion, manifest in Christ, flow out to the children of men. Jesus, the tender, pitying Saviour, was God “manifest in the flesh.” 1 Timothy 3:16. Ibid, page 12.

Was I truly precious in His eyes? Could it really be true?

Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother’s children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept. Song of Solomon 1:6.

The tempter must have sensed that hope was rising in my heart. If I should dare believe that God loved me and sent His Son to save me, then His work of destruction in my life would be made very hard. “Think of your sins, Adrian!”

Wherefore Christian was left to tumble in the Slough of Despond alone; but still he endeavoured to struggle to that side of the slough that was farthest from his own house, and next to the wicket-gate; the which he did, but could not get out because of the burden that was upon his back: but I beheld in my dream, that a man came to him, whose name was Help. Pilgrim’s Progress Stage One

“Keep reading Adrian.” beckons My Beloved. “Yes, I want to keep reading.”

It was to redeem us that Jesus lived and suffered and died. He became “a Man of Sorrows,” that we might be made partakers of everlasting joy. God permitted His beloved

Son, full of grace and truth, to come from a world of indescribable glory, to a world marred and blighted with sin, darkened with the shadow of death and the curse. He permitted Him to leave the bosom of His love, the adoration of the angels, to suffer shame, insult, humiliation, hatred, and death. “The chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5. Behold Him in the wilderness, in Gethsemane, upon the cross! The spotless Son of God took upon Himself the burden of sin. He who had been one with God, felt in His soul the awful separation that sin makes between God and man. This wrung from His lips the anguished cry, “My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?” Matthew 27:46. It was the burden of sin, the sense of its terrible enormity, of its separation of the soul from God--it was this that broke the heart of the Son of God. Ibid, page 13.

I sat transfixed. With the words “Behold Him on the cross,” my mind pictured the scene. There upon the cross hung the Son of God, beaten, whipped and bruised and why, for me? A great struggle was going on in my mind.

“I am not worth this kind of love…” “Christ has died for your sins, only believe…”

I then read the words:

The spotless Son of God took upon Himself the burden of sin. He who had been one with God, felt in His soul the awful separation that sin makes between God and man. This wrung from His lips the anguished cry, “My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?” Matthew 27:46. Ibid, 13.

I can’t explain how it all came to me, but I was impressed that Jesus had hung upon the cross because of my sins and that it was my sins along with the whole world that caused Jesus to cry, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me.” As I pictured the scene, I looked into the face of Jesus and He turned and looked at me without one trace of anger, frustration or disappointment. I saw only love and acceptance.

“I believe. Lord I ask you to come into my heart and take control of my life. I thank you for loving me and saving me…”

At that moment a burst of peace came over my soul. I felt the chains around my neck, feet and hands fall away. Then a torrent of tears flooded from my soul. I knelt and just wept and wept. All my guilt, my hypocrisy, my defiance, my sharp and cutting words, my impure thoughts were all forgiven. I tasted of the love of Jesus.

Even now as I write and recall this event, my heart grows warm and my eyes moist. I can’t put into words for you how I felt about my Saviour at that moment. The separation, oh, the separation! He was willing to endure a separation from His Father for me. That struck deeply into my heart. If He was willing to do this for me, I must be worth something, and if God was willing to give His Son— I pause and let the swelling tide of gratitude wash over my soul. If indeed God was willing to give up His Son for me, then I believed that God loved me.

Now I saw in my dream, that the highway up which Christian was to go, was fenced on either side with a wall, and that wall was called Salvation. Isaiah 26:1. Up this way, therefore, did burdened Christian run, but not without great difficulty, because of the load on his back. He ran thus till he came at a place somewhat ascending; and upon that place stood a cross, and a little below, in the bottom, a sepulchre. So I saw in my dream, that just as Christian came up with the cross, his burden loosed from off his shoulders, and fell from off his back, and began to tumble, and so continued to do till it came to the mouth of the sepulchre, where it fell in, and I saw it no more. Pilgrim’s Progress Stage Three.

Interlude I

As I gaze into the eyes of my Beloved, I am lost to all my surroundings. I feel His acceptance; I know I am loved. Oh child of Adam, to what do I owe this privilege? I attempt to turn my eyes from His gaze, but His loving look reassures me. This is real! It really is happening and to me! He really loves me, and it pleases the Father that we should be together. My heart thrills with joy, the sunlight dances across my soul as the fragrance of salvation perfumes every corner of my dwelling.

My Beloved is mighty, He is fearless. He took my sin to the grave. He braved separation from His Father’s embrace. All this for me! Oh most noble Prince, You have captured my heart. I cannot resist Your charms. Forgiven? Yes, I believe that I am forgiven, and all my sins removed. A garment of fine linen is given me, woven in the loom of heaven without one thread of human devising.

Dear Father, Your Son is a gift beyond comprehension, and yet, You gave Him willingly. I understand why Your Son is so beautiful; all He has comes from You. I do not understand why You would do this, but as a little child I squeal with delight “Abba, Abba.” I am not forsaken, I have a Father and His Son is my Beloved.

Oh son of Adam, my heart races for joy. Who could know that salvation would come to my house through beholding the uplifted Son? I believe. Yes, I believe. My Beloved is mine and I am His.

6. The Laver

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; (26) That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. Ephesians 5:25-26.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

(2) The same was in the beginning with God. John 1:1-2.

The impact of what Jesus had done for me on the cross transformed every aspect of my life. I wanted to be with Him always. I loved to think about Him, copy Him, and bring everything in my life under His Lordship. When I allowed my mind to be absorbed in other matters for several hours, I would begin to feel the loss of His presence and my thoughts returned to Jesus. The thrill of knowing my sins were forgiven caused me to float for weeks. Such is the joy of first love.

This joy changed the Bible completely. I could not put it down. I suddenly had an incredible thirst to understand Jesus in the Bible. There were many things to learn as well as things to unlearn. The Spirit of Christ began to convict me through what I read. I saw several things needed to change. The Word of God began to cleanse and renew my mind. Now the Word was a person, not just a collection of writings. Now it was Jesus speaking to me directly, lovingly and personally.

I became convicted on several habits I needed to change. I no longer could bear watching movies with swearing, violence and immorality. The Spirit moved me to approach several people and ask their forgiveness for my bad behaviour. Some people struggled to understand why I needed forgiving, citing that we are all human. Yet by gazing intently into the eyes of my Beloved through the Word, these actions seemed obvious. Righteousness and sin became like day and night and my conscience became tender, focused and alert.

Some aspects of this washing process were joyful and freeing while on other occasions the cutting of the Word into my soul was painful, confronting and humiliating. As I look back, I see the mercy of my Beloved in not presenting too many character flaws and sinful habits at once. If all the cleansing power of the Word had been unleashed, I would have given up in despair. Yet at each hurdle, the love of Jesus carried me.

How I wish that I could report “and they lived happily ever after,” but the reality of the world, the flesh and the devil makes that outcome very difficult. Through years of listening to the tempter’s suggestions and cultivating a desire for recognition through achievement, my mind had been set in a pattern of thought diametrically opposed to the kingdom of God. For the first few months after my conversion, the tempter’s voice was muted in comparison to my Beloved, yet he was still there. Enraged by my new found love in Christ, he bided his time, looking for entry points to regain control and rule my heart once again.

The profound changes in my lifestyle and habits attracted comments of scorn from some of my former associates. The tempter would press me with their comments. I became engulfed in a feeling of isolation and discouragement. I did not discern the tempter in these things. I knew little of his tactics and therefore gave him the advantage.

Through the door of self-pity, my adversary found entrance to my soul. At the same time, some of my life style changes became hard to maintain. Sometimes I would forget and fall back into old habits. At other times, in despair I would just knowingly slide into them and let the blackness engulf me.

I had reached the hill of difficulty. The desire for ease, lack of patience, and unwillingness to cheerfully dwell in isolation as long as was needed allowed the tempter the access he was waiting for. Beyond

this, I lacked skill in the Word and how to confront temptations that exalted themselves against the knowledge of God. The Spirit of Christ taught me to memorise the Word.

Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee. Psalm 119:11.

I learned that when I repeated the Word of God in faith that it could cut down the arguments, reasoning and feelings that the tempter would press into my soul.

For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Hebrews 4:12.

If my Beloved had simply shielded me from all the tempter’s suggestions I would not have developed in character. I also had to learn the true nature and severity of my fallen condition. Through these early conflicts with my flesh, I began to discern the depravity of my heart.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9.

The light of the Word illumined my path and allowed me to begin to see where I had been and why certain destruction would have been my lot if I had not heeded the call of my Beloved.

I was taught to wrestle in prayer. Sometimes as I prayed, my heart

felt like a stone and the heavens were brass over my head. The more

I tried to pray the more despondent I became. “Claim the Word, Adrian,” came the voice. “Believe what the Word says. Be not faithless but believing.”

My Beloved taught me the science of waiting in the gap between claiming and experiencing the promise. At times I yielded to frustration and gave up, and this allowed my Beloved to show me my fickle, weak, impatient heart. At other times I whinged and whined about my difficulties to the Lord, forgetting to claim the promises of God, and I went away more discouraged than before. These were tough times, yet through them all my Beloved encouraged me, reminded me of His death on my behalf, and the promise of eternal fellowship

with Him and His Father. Slowly but surely, the Word of God became my sword, my faith and my shield.

I recall with fondness the joy of those first two years of my walk with my Beloved—such a faithful Saviour, Teacher and Friend. My one desire was to be like Jesus.

After about two years, the words of Scripture pressed themselves

upon me.

Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. Acts 2:38.

Although as a child I was taught much about Jesus, I did not know Him and my baptism while acknowledged, meant little to me personally, for I knew so little about myself and almost nothing of my Beloved. Baptism is the sealing of a relationship between two people that have come to love each other. Jesus had always loved me, but now I loved Him and this friendship needed to be sealed in baptism.

As I went down into the waters of baptism, my heart was focused on Jesus. He was my joy and my song, and I rejoiced to be able to pledge my life to Him and call Him my Lord. The waters that covered my soul symbolised the washing by the Word that was taking place in my life. The work which had been begun held forth the promise that it would be completed.

More Confusion

A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. James 1:8.

After more than a decade since my first love experience with Jesus, I became confused. My Christian life became circular; feeling like the children of Israel wandering in the wilderness. If someone had suggested that I was double-minded, I would have been horrified and offended. I loved Jesus deeply for dying on the cross for me, I desired to keep my Father’s commandments faithfully and I prayed for grace and strength to overcome. I did have victories, yet consistency eluded me.

I grew in my knowledge of Scripture and enjoyed many wonderful Sabbaths fellowshipping with family and friends. Yet something was missing. Something was out of place and I could not find it. For much of this time, I didn’t fully realise anything was missing.

But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 Corinthians 3:18.

Unbeknown to me, the Jesus I beheld in these years was a combination of two completely different worlds. On one side, I learned of the loving, caring, compassionate Jesus who revealed the wonderful love of His Father. I contemplated the struggle the Father endured to give up His Son for us. I meditated upon the prayer life of Jesus and His intercession on my behalf and these things touched my soul, melted my heart and gave me inspiration to live the Christian life. Yet there was an aspect to the person of Jesus, I assumed was in the Bible and this formed the foundation of all my efforts in the Christian Life. I

need to take a little time to describe what was taking place in my

mind. There were several factors that led me to cry:

By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not. Song of Solomon 3:1.

All through my childhood and youth, the voice of the tempter suggested a policy of self-reliance and hard work to gain respect. My conception of a good person was formed through the lens of my fallen nature combined with Satan’s suggestions that honour could be earned through honesty, uprightness and faithfulness. You will recall that I mentioned that the tempter would suggest to me to do the very things my Beloved desired but for a very different purpose.

Since the voice of the tempter was louder than that of my Beloved during these formative years, my conception of a model person was one who did right and displayed a good character to others. This display of good living would then win the admiration of others and grant me acceptance within my social group.

Little did I realise that this model person I had conceived in my mind, which was in reality an idol, I had unwittingly merged with the person called Jesus. I saw in Jesus one who displayed all the traits of a model person, one who through acts of kindness and deeds of righteousness had won the admiration and worship of millions. Indeed Jesus was a person whom I could emulate, copy and desire to be like. Once again, the tempter enticed me to do all the right things for all the wrong reasons.

The really difficult part was that the real Jesus of the Bible was merged together with this false Jesus in my mind, so that I could not tell them apart.

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 2 Corinthians 5:16 (NIV).

It never occurred to me that I could regard Jesus from a worldly point of view. What made this whole experience much harder is the fact that Christianity had within a few hundred years of its beginnings perfected the view of Jesus as one who was to be reverenced and loved for His inherent power, abilities and talents.1 In the same

1 See Athanasian creed as an example of this.

manner that I had been tempted to conceive a model person as one who receives praise through doing good deeds, Christian leaders had also been subject to this process. This new Jesus was part of a three person, One God, Trinity. The complexity of three persons existing within one God caused me to abandon efforts to understand exactly how they related to each other. I was encouraged to accept this as a mystery.

If you read carefully the description of God from most Christian Churches, you will see that the reason God is worthy of worship,

Date: 2015-12-18; view: 585