Chapter Twelve

Food for Thought

I arrive home shortly after two in the morning and waiting for me are bouquets of flowers scattered throughout the house. Eight are budding white tulips with dark green stalks standing tall and proud. Two are purple hyacinth bouquets with a beautiful white ribbon tied around the vase, each bearing a card.

Opening the first card, I am pleased to see that it is written in Evan’s own handwriting.

Ten days I’ve known you.

Ten chances you’ve given me.

Ten bouquets to say I’m sorry.

I think back to our first accidental meeting on the beach, and I believe it was exactly ten days ago. So much has happened in that short time. I knew at that moment that he was way out of my league, but I allowed myself to be deluded by hope. I stopped listening to reason, and listened only to desire. Look where that’s gotten me ... miserable and heartbroken.

The second card is also written in the same handwriting. As I read it, my heart softens, just a little bit.

There are several quintessential moments in a man's life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.

I know that quote immediately. It was spoken by Emilio Estevez in St. Elmo’s Fire, one of my favorite Brat Pack movies. Evan knows me, he knows my heart. How can he in such a short time? In all the time I was with David, he never once made me feel the way Evan does.

Do I acknowledge the gesture with a text to thank him? What message would that send? What message do I want to send? He has me twisted into knots. It’s too late to be able to reason through this. A good night’s sleep will give me the fresh perspective I need.

I wake with the sun, getting so much less than a good night’s sleep. My overactive mind kept me tossing and turning. There’s no point in trying to go back to sleep, so I may as well get up and go for a run.

Maddy and I arrive at the beach. I will not allow Evan to take the joy of that away from me. There are miles and miles of ocean, so I find a part of it that will not lead me towards his house. I grab my iPhone, my headphones, and Maddy’s leash. As I walk towards the surf, I receive a text. Curiosity gets the best of me, and I check the message. Sure enough, it’s from Evan.

Evan: Good morning running grl. Enjoy ur run. I won’t bother u, but I’ll be home if u want to talk.

Resisting the urge to text him back, I plug in my headphones and start my slow jog. Today’s run will be a brief one. I’m just too tired. Tired from lack of sleep and tired from worry. Why can’t Evan just let me go?

Maybe I need to get out of my own head. I could talk to Auggie about it, but I know what he will say. He doesn’t want to see me get hurt, so he’ll definitely tell me to cut him loose, let him go, and move on with my life.

I think I know what will happen if I talk to Emmy about it. She will definitely tell me to take him back. She’ll most likely even have some advice on exactly what I should do with him (and to him) once I do.

I could call Reese. She’s smart and always seems to know what the right thing is to do. But she’s in Wisconsin and it’s an hour earlier there. It’s way too early to call now. Maybe later.

There is someone else I can reach out to. I could talk with my mother. She moved back to Bayonne last year to live with my grandmother who’s getting on in years and needs a little help. I’ll be driving up to see them for Easter in two days, so I think I will hold off making a decision until then.

My mother and I are as different as any two people could be, but she always has my best interest at heart. Truth be known, I never really understood my mother. She is the kindest, gentlest, most giving person I know. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t think the world of her. The only person who doesn’t like my mother is my mother.

People tell me she wasn’t always like this. I have some spotty memories of my mother being sociable, taking me on outings, even entertaining family upon occasion.

Some of my fondest memories were from a time when I was very young and all three of us, my mother, my father, and I, would all go camping with another family. To me, they were my aunt, uncle, and cousins, but in reality, they were my parents’ best friends. We never went far, but it was like entering another world. Each family had a camper and we’d drive to different campsites just to get away for the weekend. We visited museums, zoos, parks, and historic villages. We’d come back and roast marshmallows and stay out playing until late into the night.

Everything changed when my father left us. I was still young, maybe nine or ten years old, but I remember it well. It tore my mother apart. She changed jobs so she could make more money to support us and she stopped seeing her friends. I suspect she didn’t like being around other couples. She didn’t have any single friends, so she grew closer and closer to my grandparents.

For years, my father would flit in and out of our lives, causing chaos and tension each time. My mother never had a chance to move on because she kept waiting for him to come back for good, but he never did. Things would start out fine, but eventually, he’d start drinking again and everything would fall apart. My mother never once asked him to leave; it was always his decision to go. This vicious cycle repeated over and over again well into my high school years. I think if she had her way, he’d still be in our lives.

That is, until I decided that enough was enough. During my sophomore year, I was invited to the Senior Prom. It was a big deal, even though I was only going with a friend. I was very excited. One afternoon, my father had started drinking early and asked me where I thought I was going. I told him I was going shopping for a prom dress with my friends. He told me that only sluts go to the prom with boys they aren’t dating, and I must have promised him sex or he wouldn’t have asked me.

Something changed in me that day. I looked at this man who was supposed to be my father and saw him for what he truly was, pathetic and unworthy. I didn’t get upset, I didn’t even get mad. I became empowered. I took action, something my mother was never strong enough to do.

I called my aunt and uncle, whom I admire and respect immensely, and asked them to pick me up. I packed enough clothes to last a week. With their support, I called my mother at work and informed her that I would not be returning home. Eventually, after a few weeks, my father left and I returned home. I’m still to this day not sure why he left. I don’t know if my mother asked him to leave, or if he just got bored again. It doesn’t matter. I took control of my own life at that moment, and I decided that I would never become like my mother, weak and powerless.

My last year in college, I came dangerously close to living a life I swore I would never allow. David was someone I thought I could build a life with. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It happened slowly, so slowly that I didn’t even notice at the time, but I can see now how many similarities there are between David and my father. To the outside world, David was fun-loving and an all-around nice guy, just like my father. But behind closed doors, he became pensive, dark and brooding. My moods started changing based on David’s moods. I stopped making decisions and instead let his frame of mind dictate our activities.

It was my mother who finally spoke up about it. She shared with me something I didn’t know. She never liked David, not one bit. She didn’t trust him and she didn’t like the direction our relationship was headed. But because of her self-doubt, she never told me, not until I voiced my own concerns first. She knew I would come to my own conclusions eventually and was afraid that if she shared her fears, it would only propel me towards him rather than away.

Easter is only two days away. I think talking it through with her will help clarify things for me. It’s liberating knowing that I don’t have to make a decision right now. I can feel relief wash over me and I am no longer weighed down with this heavy burden.

Time to head home.

I allow myself to think about the possibility of forgiving Evan. I send him a text to thank him for the flowers and to ask for the one thing I need above all else. Time.

Jette: Thank you for the flowers I will think of you every time I see them

Evan: Can we talk? Will you let me explain? I miss you :(

Jette: Yes we need to talk but not today - tomorrow?

Evan: I’ll be waiting thank u XO

Just like last Friday, it’s only Emmy and me working the lunch shift on the patio. I’m stocking the reach-in cooler as Emmy arrives. “Jette, you look so much better. Did you and Evan work things out?”

“No, Emmy, we didn’t. He really hurt me and that’s not something I can just ignore.”

“You’re crazy. He is sooooo yummy.” I can tell she’s fantasizing about Evan. If I decide to take him back, that’s something I guess I’ll have to get used to.

Most of the schools are closed today for Good Friday, and the boardwalk is filled with families. Season tickets for the boardwalk rides went on sale today at a discount price, bringing lots of customers to the boardwalk for lunch. Since the majority of our guests are young mothers and small children, not many cocktails are being ordered today.

“So, Emmy, any plans tonight? Want to do something?” I really don’t want to be alone tonight.

“Yeah. why don’t you come hang with us at Grant’s? I’ll send Marcus a text. We can get the whole gang together.”

“Actually, that sounds perfect. I have some champagne cupcakes for Camilla to sample. Mind if I bring them?” I meant to call her yesterday, but things didn’t go exactly as planned.

“You know, if you’re serious about breaking up with Evan, I know someone else who would jump at the chance –“

“Emmy, please. Not now.”

A young couple catches my eye as they wander out onto the patio. They are a few years older than me, but not by many. The wife is pregnant, very pregnant in fact. She sits at a table looking out onto the ocean. Her husband is doting on her and it’s adorable. Once his wife is seated, he helps remove her sweater and puts his arm around the back of her chair. Then, it happens. He starts to caress her back, making tiny circles along her bare shoulders. Memories of dinner with Evan flood my thoughts. I can feel his hands on my shoulders, tracing the same tiny circles and making my heart beat faster.

Emmy notices my melancholy. “You miss him, don’t you?” I nod my head. “You could invite him, too. The guys would be psyched if Big Mac showed up.”

“Emmy, please stop thinking about him as a football star. Please? He’s just my ex-boyfriend. One that hurt me, a lot.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. But there was a whole month last year when his picture was splayed across my computer screen.”

“Excuse me?”

“Desktop wallpaper. Right now every time I turn on my computer, Ian Somerhalder is there waiting for me, smiling.”

Two hours later our shift ends, and I’m making my way out to my car. Waiting for me on my windshield is a flower. It’s a single red rose wrapped in plastic – the kind you could buy at a gas station. It doesn’t feel like something Evan would do. I throw the car in drive and take off. This time, no one follows me.

I come home and lock all the doors, check all the windows, and close the curtains. I can’t call Evan. He’ll come right over and I’m not ready for that. Calling Auggie is a possibility, but suppose he’s with a client? He would drop everything and come home, I know it. Derek is off today. It’s probably best if I give him a call and ask him to come pick me up.

“Hi Derek, it’s Jette. Are you busy?”

“No, not at all. What do you need?”

“Well, I was wondering if you could come over and pick me up. I found something on my windshield, and I’m a little freaked out. Do you mind?”

“I’m on my way. I’ll be there in five minutes. Sit tight.” In less than five minutes, Derek is standing on my front porch. Maddy starts barking like crazy. I unlock the door and invite Derek in. Maddy won’t stop barking.

“Derek, have a seat, I’m going to put the dog in Auggie’s room. I’ll be right back.” I grab a bowl of water and take Maddy by the collar. Once I shut the door, she jumps onto Auggie’s bed and calms down.

“Sorry about that. She really doesn’t like men.” There is one man she liked other than Auggie.

“That’s okay. Go get ready. I’ll be fine. Mind if I turn on the television?”

I hand him the remote. “Here you go. There’s a six-pack in the fridge and some bottled water if you’re thirsty. Help yourself.”

Quickly, I gather a change of clothes and hop into the shower. I feel slightly uncomfortable showering with Derek in the next room, so I make it a quick shower. When I exit the bathroom, I am completely dressed, but my hair’s in a towel. I stick my head in the living room to check on Derek.

“Give me ten more minutes. I have to dry my hair and put on some make up. Do you need anything?”

“Nope, I’m good. Take your time.” He has a beer in his hand, but other than that, it doesn’t appear he’s moved since I left him to shower. He’s sitting on my couch looking comfortable and at ease. I head into my room to dry my hair.

This is a glimpse of what my life would be like without Evan. It’s a good life. But I don’t want good. I don’t want good enough. I want amazing.

Derek and I arrive at his house and the gang’s all here: Marcus and Camilla, Grant and Emmy, and now Derek and me. I sit back to observe the easiness they all have around one another. Emmy and Camilla are talking wedding plans and the boys are all talking about basketball. Apparently it’s nearing the end of March Madness and the Jayhawks aren’t doing as well as Marcus had predicted.

Everyone is talking over and around one another until Emmy speaks up. “Come on, girls. Let’s go taste some wedding cupcakes.” Emmy leads us back into the kitchen where we busy ourselves around the table.

Camilla has brought with her a pitcher of Pomegranate Margaritas and Emmy is holding three glasses. While the girls prepare our drinks, I fish around the kitchen and find three small plates and some forks. I serve our desserts and anxiously await their response.

“Oh my God, Jette, this is delicious!” Camilla announces. I’m so relieved that she likes them.

“These are champagne flavored. I can make some Prosecco flavored cupcakes instead if you want to try.” We chat a little about various liquor flavors we could experiment with. Emmy wants me to make a coconut and rum flavored cupcake, and Camilla decides she’d like to try a mojito cupcake. It looks like I have a lot of experimental baking to do. It will be good to keep busy.

“Jette, can I ask you about Evan McGuire?” Camilla asks. I nod and she continues. “What’s he like? I mean, he’s so ... wow! Is he like that in real life?”

“You know who he is, too, Camilla? God, I feel like such an idiot.”

“Jette, you have to realize, I grew up with three brothers. Every one of them plays football. My younger brother, Mateo, still goes to UMD. When they heard rumors of Evan being traded to the Sentinels, it’s all they’ve been talking about.”

“Really? What do they say about him? I only know one side of him. That part of him, the public side, I really don’t know anything about.”

“They idolize him. He can’t do anything wrong in their eyes. Part of it is because he’s really good. He was in the running for the Heisman Trophy in college. But part of it is his social life. Are you sure you want me to go on?”

“Yeah, I think I need to hear this.” I finish my margarita and Emmy pours me a refill.

“Well, he’s been photographed with some really beautiful and famous women. He’s never with any of them for very long, though. It’s like he’s living every man’s dream – football, fame, and fortune.”

“The man I know is completely different. That guy sounds like a jerk. The Evan I know is kind, caring, and ... perfect.” The girls encourage me to go on, so I try to put our relationship into words.

“He’s romantic. I mean really romantic. And thoughtful. He gave me flowers three separate times already. The first time he did, it came with a riddle for me to solve. Did you know that different flowers have different meanings? He can just send me a flower and I can read his intention behind the gift. So far, I’ve gotten daisies which represent hope, a single tulip that means affection and caring, and hyacinths that ask for forgiveness.”

“Damn, Jette. Do you have any idea how lucky you are? He does sound perfect. But is he ... you know ... good in bed? A lot of these athletes take steroids. It really screws with their ... you know ...” Emmy holds up one finger, then slowly relaxes it until it’s limp in her hand. We start giggling like school girls.

“Um, no. That is most definitely not an issue here.” I can feel myself blush with embarrassment, and with a little lust.

Emmy adds, “He’s not hard to look at, either.”

“No, he’s not.” My mind wanders over his body, starting with his dimples, moving across his shoulders, and dwelling a little longer than I should on that sexy v-cut in his hips. But there’s also something sexy about Evan when he’s completely dressed, all except for those damn bare feet.

“I don’t get it. He’s hot, good in bed, a real romantic, and he sounds completely devoted to you. Why aren’t you with him right now, this very minute?” Now Camilla is sounding a lot like Emmy.

“He lied to me. He told me his name was Evan Thomas. I had no idea who he really was. How can I ever really truly trust him?”

“Jette, put yourself in his position. You find someone you’re crazy about and you get to start a relationship with a clean slate.” Camilla finishes her margarita slowly, and then looks directly at me. “I’m guessing that a lot of his relationships, if you can call them that, were purely based on fantasy. Girls are drawn to him for either the fame or fortune. You weren’t interested in either one. You wanted him. Besides, look what happened when you did find out. You ran.”

“But there were so many other girls, not just rich and famous. There were tons of young college girls, too. There’s always going to be women throwing themselves at him. I don’t think I’ll ever fully trust him.”

I didn’t notice that the boys had walked in looking for us. Apparently, they overheard part of our conversation. Grant doesn’t have too much to say, so he refills everyone’s glass and sits beside Emmy. Marcus is the first one to chime in with his perspective.

“Jette, stay clear of that boy. I don’t care how much he claims to have changed, don’t believe it. You deserve better. You don’t want to become a part of his fucked-up lifestyle. Once the season starts, he’ll be gone, a lot. Sure, he can keep his dick in his pants here in Point Pleasant, but how about when he starts travelling? Can you handle that? Do you really think that if he’s in California, Florida, or Tennessee and there’s a team party with tons of beautiful women, he’ll be able to keep his hands off them?” Marcus speaks the exact thoughts that have been plaguing me since I first discovered the truth.

“He’s going to hurt you. I know it. I don’t think I can stand to see you like you were yesterday. You came to work looking like a zombie. Marcus is right, you deserve better.” This time, it’s Derek speaking.

“You’re all right, all four of you. Let’s just forget about this crap for one fucking night – Okay? Please?”

I get up and find more plates for the boys so I can serve them my confectionary treats. I come back to the table and they have set up shot glasses and cards for a fun little party game. “What are we playing?”

“Apples to Apples, but with a twist. Do you know how to play?” Derek asks.

“Sure, everyone gets seven red apple cards and we take turns turning over a green apple card. The best match wins, right?” We played this game a lot in the common room of my dorm in college.

Grant adds some more rules. “Rule 1. Winning apple chooses someone to do a shot. Rule 2. Helen Keller card wins the game and everyone takes a shot. Ready?” Sounds like fun, mindless, silly fun and I love it.

Since I’m the newest addition to the group, I get to go first. I turn over a green apple card and read it aloud, “useless”. Everyone throws in a red apple card pretty quickly, except for Derek. “Come on, Derek, pick a card.”

“Gimme a minute. I have some pretty good choices here. Ready? Anne Frank, cucumbers, and ballerinas. I can’t pick.” Derek actually looks deep in thought.

“Well, since it’s my round, I’ll tell you not to pick cucumbers if you want to win. They have lots of uses.” The whole table erupts into laughter. This is exactly what I need. Derek’s selection of ballerinas wins the hand and he makes me do a shot.

Derek turns over the Green Apple card ‘important’. We all quickly make our choices and turn in our cards upside down so Derek doesn’t know who selected each. He turns each over and reads them one at a time: Backstreet Boys, Spam, whipped cream, x-ray vision, and friction. He quickly eliminates Backstreet Boys and Spam, leaving the other three to argue the merits of each.

Grant tries to persuade Derek to pick x-ray vision. “Dude, you work in a bar. Hot girls are everywhere. Think about it.”

Camilla picks whipped cream. “Well, can you think of any other condiment you’d take with you to bed? You have to have some on hand, just in case. Right, honey?” She kisses Marcus and he nods in agreement.

“I say friction,” Emmy argues. What’s the point in the whipped cream or x-ray vision if there’s no friction between the sheets? We all agree, and Emmy picks Grant to do a shot.

The next few rounds, everyone gets to do a shot, but after that, I seem to be a favorite target. Emmy makes me do a shot, then Derek makes me do two in a row, and I’m starting to feel the effects. “Derek Lattimer, are you trying to get me drunk?”

“What, who, me? Never!” He devilishly grins and slides my chair closer to his. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I give him a peck on the cheek.

“Excuse me.” I get up to use the bathroom. “I’ll be right back.” I walk to the bathroom, or perhaps stagger is the better word. When I sit down, the walls stop spinning for a moment and I’m grateful. Just then, my phone beeps signaling a new text message. I struggle to retrieve my phone from my pants, which is no small feat. It’s from Evan.

Good night running grl. Can’t wait 2 see u tomorrow. XO

Damn. Evan. I almost went an entire hour without thinking about him. Thinking about him makes me want him and wish he was here with me now. I know that in my present condition, there’s no way I could resist him. I should tell him.

Good think ur not here, id be not responsible

There. Maybe when he reads that, he’ll regret lying to me. If he didn’t lie to me, we would probably be in his bed right now. Naked. God, he looks good naked.

A ringing phone startles me from my fantasy. Wait, it’s my phone. I should answer it. “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” I crack myself up.

“Juliette, is that you?”

“Duh.” It’s Evan, I’d recognize that schmexy voice anywhere.

“Are you Okay? Have you been drinking tonight?”

“Yup. I could have been with you, but you ruined it. Now I’m here with these other boys who aren’t you.”

“Juliette, who’s there with you? Is Emmy there? Can I talk to her?”

“Why would Emmy be in the bathroom with me? That’s silly. I have to go back to my party now. Bye-bye.”

I finish up in the bathroom and I’m washing my hands in the sink when there’s a knock on the door. I open it to find Emmy standing there with her hands on her hips. She’s mad. That’s not good. I wonder what happened.

“Juliette Evangeline Fletcher, why the hell did you just drunk dial your ex-boyfriend?” Shit, is that what I did? No. he called me. I’m pretty sure.

“He called me. Wait, how do you know? Emmy, are you a witch?”

“No, Jette, Evan just called me to make sure you were safe. You really did have a lot to drink tonight, didn’t you, honey?”

I guess she’s right. “Emmy, I’m tired. I think I should go home now.” I can hardly keep my eyes open all of a sudden.

“Sorry, but you’re crashing here tonight. Derek is making up the couch for you. Camilla and Marcus just left. Come on, let’s get you tucked in. You’ve had a rough night.”

I wake up with a pounding headache. I try to focus on my surroundings and it takes a minute for me to recall the events of the previous night. Shit. I’m at Derek’s. I got pretty drunk last night. I vaguely remember something about a phone call. God, I hope I didn’t call Evan and say anything embarrassing.

On the table beside me is a bottle of water and two aspirins. I wash them down and look around to see who left them there for me. Sitting alone in the kitchen is Derek, freshly showered. He’s not wearing any shoes and he’s sitting there in the quiet kitchen, alone, eating some cereal and reading the paper. What is it about bare feet?

Date: 2015-02-28; view: 532