C. When necessary, making sure you (and the other person) are in the right frame of mind

Some conversations are more complicated, sensitive or difficult than others. In these cases, it can help to think ahead about the best way of approaching and conducting the conversation. You may have to prepare yourself, or your intended conversational partner. Larry wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk with Maria but he barged ahead anyhow.

Preparing yourself

Calvin wants to talk with his relatively new neighbour, Ted, about his daughter, Marjorie. She plays music very loudly whenever she’s home alone. Calvin doesn’t want to ‘squeal’ on Marjorie, nor does he want to create any bad blood between himself and Ted. But neither does he want his family subjected to endless rap music. He has talked with Marjorie a few times. She turns the music down for a while, but it's soon back to full volume. The same old story. She isn’t getting the message.

First, Calvin needs to prepare himself. He hates bringing bad news to people therefore he often suffers in silence. So he realises that he has to ‘psych himself up’ to talk with Ted. He does so by reminding himself how important this is, not just for himself, but his family. He also tells himself that it's the right thing to do. He thinks of ways of getting his message across without alienating Ted, and without indicting Marjorie.

Preparing your conversational partner

At other times, your conversational partners might not be ready to listen to what you have to say. They may be distracted. Your message might take them by surprise. They might be immersed in their own concerns. And so forth. Therefore, at times it can be helpful to reflect on how your story or message might ‘play’ with any given conversational partner. If you think there might be some difficulty but it’s still important to have the conversation, determine what you might do to put your partner in the right frame of mind.

Calvin doesn't know Ted well enough to know how he might react. After all, Ted could see Calvin's remarks as an attack on his daughter, or an insult to his own parenting skills. He opts for the ‘soft sell’, but he realises that he still has to get his point across forcefully enough to get results. "I mustn’t say it and then take it back as I often do," he says to himself. The following conversation takes place over the fence, after some opening small talk.

Calvin begins, "Ted, could I talk to you ‘off the record’, so to speak?”

Ted, looking a bit taken aback, replies, "Why sure, Calvin. What's on your mind?"

Calvin goes on, "Well, it's about Marjorie. It's a little annoyance, but I don't want to get her into hot water." He explains the situation.

Ted listens attentively, then, smiling, says, "Marjorie's a great young woman. But she's still a teenager with all the baggage that entails … Here's how I'd like to handle it. I'll be open with her. I'll tell her we've talked. And I'll make it clear that this is no way to treat decent neighbours. I'm also going to tell her about your concern not to get her into trouble. That will soften the whole thing … And what do you mean – ‘little annoyance’? We find it very annoying. You notice that we don't let it happen when we're around."

In retrospect, Calvin probably did not need to be so careful. But he was careful because he didn't know how Ted would react.

Consider another situation. Rosemary wants to talk with her sister, Nellie, and her brother-in-law, Conrad, about an upcoming family gathering at their house. The members of the family have a lot of fun at these annual affairs. For some, it’s the only time they see one another. They change the location of the gathering from year to year, but they need a house large enough to accommodate everyone.

One of Rosemary and Nellie's nephews, Brendan, who is gay, has found out within the past year that he is HIV-positive. Most family members know this by now. Brendan has become very sensitive about being rejected, especially by family members. He wants to come to the family gathering and participate fully. Nellie and Conrad have a swimming pool at their house. Recently, Brendan was ejected from a swimming pool when the owner found out that he was HIV-positive. Finally, Rosemary knows that Conrad is a bit homophobic. Rosemary mulls all of this over in her mind in preparing for a conversation with Nellie and Conrad.

Here are some of her musings.

"I guess it's best to talk with Nellie first. She and I are on the same wavelength on most things. We both know Brendan, though I'm much closer to him than she is. I can have an all-issues-on-the-table conversation with her. Understanding where Conrad stands on Brendan's participation in the reunion needs to be one of these issues. I need to find out if there's going to be any kind of problem.

"It might be good for Nellie to have a preliminary conversation with Conrad. But I want to tell her that I'm willing to have a meeting with her and Conrad, or with Conrad alone. I'm not sure whether I'm making something out of nothing. I need to discuss this with Nellie. And if she wants me to talk with Conrad, then I need her advice on how to go about it."

Rosemary is having a conversation with herself about laying the groundwork for what could be an important and sensitive conversation later on.

Having a conversation about the conversation

When it comes to preparing for conversations, it's essential to remember that the best conversations are dialogues. The other party, or parties, may well have opinions with respect to what the purpose of the conversation should be and what groundwork should be laid. Sometimes it's possible to have a conversation about the conversation before it takes place. Rosemary intends to have such a conversation with her sister. And she might need one with Conrad.

Date: 2014-12-22; view: 1105