d. The economics of preparation

To sum up, when you prepare for important conversations, these simple questions can be a great help:

1. What is my purpose? What do I want to achieve through this conversation?

2. What are the main points I want to get across?

3. How do I prepare both myself, and the person I'm talking to, for the kind of conversation we're going to have?

The importance of these questions depends on the nature of the conversation. Obviously, simple conversations about relatively unimportant matters usually do not require a great deal of forethought. However, if the message is more complex, the time spent answering these questions before the conversation takes place, is often time well-spent.

Here are two situations that represent opposite ends of the spectrum. Both involve messages left by your friend Bert on your answering machine.

In the first, Bert says, "Hi. I’ll meet you in front of the theatre at 8:15 this evening. The show begins at 8:30. I'm assuming that you'll be bringing the tickets with you. Give us a ring just to confirm everything’s okay."

Responding to the message doesn’t warrant much by the way of advance thinking.

But what if the situation were more complex? Let's assume that the world changes. This time the message on your answering machine from Bert says that you’ve both been invited to a last-minute farewell party being given by Danielle, a mutual friend. Bert has decided to go and skip the theatre.

He adds, "Why don't you see if you can get rid of my ticket. If you can’t, I’ll still pay for it."

To complicate things a bit more, you decide that you, too, would like to go to Danielle’s party. But you have a friend in the cast of the play and don't want to let her down.

It's mid-afternoon. You have a few minutes to prepare for your conversation with Bert. How would you answer the four questions above? Take a few minutes to think you way through this situation.

e. Isn’t preparation the enemy of spontaneity?

Someone might say, "Come on! People don't go around preparing for conversations. That's too much logic in an illogical world. Conversations should be free-flowing. Anyway, doesn't preparing fly in the face of the uncertainty of outcome that is supposed to be characteristic of dialogue?"

What shall we say? Of course conversations should be free-flowing. But going off half-cocked in critical interpersonal situations is usually less than helpful. You will have to decide for yourself which conversations merit some degree of preparation. If people spent more time thinking about important conversations, there would be less guilt and regret after they are over.

Furthermore, preparing for an important conversation does not mean unilaterally deciding on what the outcome should be. The purpose of preparation is to do whatever you can to foster a decent dialogue, not engineer it for your own personal benefit. Therefore, if some preparation will add value to both the conversation and the relationship, do it.

Date: 2014-12-22; view: 1080