Marriage, Divorce & Revenge

As mentioned earlier, the prime reason for disappearing is an unhappy marriage. Men and women caught in an unhappy relationship often dream about leaving their partner and everything else behind and starting over in a new town with a new name. Fear of the unknown and lack of knowledge about identity changing prevents most of them from acting on their wishes. They may even take off one day, but a few nights in boxcars brings them back or they fail to disguise their identity or location and are forcibly brought back. They do not have the psyche of the identity-changer.

For a rare few individuals, the dreams of leaving their spouse eventually develop into concrete plans and a successful escape. I met such a person one evening at Specs' 12 Adler Place Saloon in San Francisco. He recounted his story over a Green Death using the transparent guise of his "friend," a convention I had become familiar with already.

"This friend of mine was in his mid-forties when he decided he'd had enough of his wife. They had been married for many years but never had any children. He had a job that paid him pretty well but was dog-ass boring. About the only thing that meant anything to this guy was model trains. He belonged to a 'model railroaders club' and spent most of his evenings building these complicated models in his basement.

"His pride and joy in life was this elaborate scale model of a High Sierra logging railroad. You should've seen it. He built it all with his own hands and it was the envy of the club. There were articles about it in model-builder magazines and even a feature spread in the local paper.

"One evening his wife followed him downstairs after supper. A man's got to have a private place, you know, to be by himself and that basement was his private place. She shouldn't have gone down there. She was all uptight because he wouldn't go visit her folks with her. She started bitchin' and naggin' and working herself up into a tirade. And what do you think she said to him? 'You think more of that damned toy train set than you do of me.'

"There was something about her tone of voice when she said 'that damned toy train set' that made the light go on. I guess he suddenly realized that she was right, he did care more about his models than he did about her--a helluva lot more! And he knew that this was about as sad a commentary as it's possible to make about the relationship between a man and woman."

"So he split right then and there," I offered.

"No, not just then. She stomped off saying, 'If you want to talk to me, you can reach me at Mother's.' Can you imagine that, a woman of thirty-nine going off to her mother's house?

"He just sat there for a while thinking about what she said and how miserable his life was. Something inside of him clicked and he knew he couldn't take it anymore. He got up, went out to the garage and got a sledge hammer, came back and smashed that model train set-up to pieces! That night he got his things together and moved out. He hasn't set foot in that house since."

"Then what happened?" I asked.

"Well, he cleaned out their bank account the next day. He figured he'd leave her the house, which was almost paid for, and that ought to be good enough for the damn little satisfaction she had given him over the years. The next thing he knew he was ass-deep in legal talent, both hers and his. She was going to divorce him and it looked like she could force him to continue making the house payments. He could have afforded everything because his job paid so well, but then came the straw that broke the camel's back: she sent him the bill from a photographer she hired to take pictures of the wrecked model trains to prove to the court that he was 'mentally unstable' and had violent tendencies.'

"Shortly after that he was sitting in a bar thinking about these goings-on and brooding about the whole mess when he saw an article in the paper about this guy who stepped out for a pack of cigarettes one day and vanished into thin air. He started thinking about his life and realized he didn't have anything to hold him down. He didn't have any emotional ties, he didn't give a shit for his job, he had some money put away, and he was in pretty good health."

"So he took off, just like that guy in the paper," I said.

"Not immediately. He thought about where he would go. He always liked the San Francisco area and so he took a few trips up there. The more he saw, the better he liked it. And the longer he waited, the more he realized that his ex-wife and those ambulance chasers were going to gnaw on his bank account until it was all gone. He went on this way for four or five weeks until he realized that every time he thought about splitting, he felt better. So he did it."

"With no references or ID he must have had a tough time making the switch," I said. I was hoping he'd tell me about rigging-up this new identity, but he looked at me sort of funny as if he'd just realized he had maybe said more than he intended to. He looked over my shoulder and saw something that made him climb off his stool.

"A friend I'm taking out to dinner just arrived," he said. "Thanks for the beer, but I've gotta go. Good luck with your book."

The friend he was meeting was an attractive, well-dressed lady in her late twenties or early thirties. They greeted each other with obvious affection. They chatted, looking over at me a couple times, then left. I've seen neither of them since.

While it is fairly common for a man to leave his wife and disappear, especially if he is being taken to the cleaners in a divorce, it is very rare for a woman to leave her husband. Some of the reasons for this are obvious.

The system of "justice" in the United States is heavily slanted in favor of women in a divorce. Why would a woman want to split on her husband if she could divorce him and make him take care of most of her bills? It wouldn't make any sense.

Also, a woman does not face the same kind of pressures when married as the husband does. Both of them may work, but the man's income and career are usually seen as the financial foundation of the family. And men have more psychological pressures on them to succeed and build a career than women do. A husband usually will not disappear if his marriage turns sour or he hates his job, but the combination of the two can be devastating.

Without a doubt the greatest reason for women to disappear is battering. When a spouse or lover is violently abusive, divorce and separation are not very attractive remedies. In either situation, the estranged woman is still vulnerable while living in the same town or using her real name. The police are unable and, in many cases, unwilling to provide her with adequate protection. In these cases, disappearing may be a matter of basic survival.

Disappearing is further complicated for women who have children. It is hard enough for one person trying to disappear--it is damn near impossible for a whole family to vanish. A woman on her own is not likely to take much abuse before walking out on her man; women with children have been known to put up with an awful lot before seeking help. And the longer the woman puts up with it, the more likely her man is to hunt her down if she tries to leave.

It is the fear of being harmed that is the cause of most female identity changes. Perhaps this is why I have never talked with a woman disappearee. A man who successfully adopts a new identity is justifiably proud of his achievement and is willing to talk about it with a perfect stranger. But a woman who has disappeared out of fear for her safety is not likely to reveal her secret to anyone she hasn't come to know intimately.

Occasionally, the deciding factor that makes a husband disappear is a desire for revenge. The abandoned wife is, in almost all respects, in a far worse position than a widow. All her alternatives will be expensive and difficult, including hiring detectives to find him, getting a divorce or having him declared legally dead. And she is not likely to have many resources at her disposal to pay for these things.

In most cases it will be a year or longer before she can sell any real or personal property that's in his name or in both of their names. Depending on where she lives she may not be able to sell property in her own name immediately. In the meantime, she will have to make all the payments due on the property, yet she will have to have a court action to use any monies due her husband, such as wages, tax returns, etc. Chances are he collected what he had coming before he split.

If she wants to get married again, she will have to either divorce her spouse or have him declared legally dead. Most women choose the former because it is less time consuming and less expensive. Obtaining a divorce under these circumstances can present severe financial problems, though, especially if the wife was figuring to saddle her ex-husband with the tab. Lawyers understand this situation and are prone to requesting fees up-front.

If the wife wants to collect on her husband's life insurance policy, she will have to get him declared legally dead. The procedures for getting such a declaration vary greatly from state to state and the whole process can be blocked by a particularly malicious husband. I know of one case where a husband penned a note on the datelined front page of a newspaper, then mailed the note to his life insurance company. Needless to say, the insurance company refused to pay off on the substantial policy.

Date: 2015-01-11; view: 835