The Retreat From Intimacy

In the journey toward intimacy, a couple emphasizes similarities rather than differences. In the retreat from intimacy, the opposite occurs. In the first or dif­ferentiating stage, a couple begins to notice and comment on previously over­looked differences. Instead of using the pronouns “we” and “us”, they begin to talk about “you” and “me,” “yours” and “mine.” Partners discover substantial areas of disagreement, which then become major topics of conversation. Arguments may be prefaced by comments such as “I don’t understand how you could possibly like her” or “I can’t believe you agree with him.” Overt argument and conflict are hallmarks of this stage.

Short periods of differentiation occur in all relationships; they don’t al­ways signal the beginning of the end. By reaffirming relational goals and focus­ing on similarities, partners may reverse their movement away from intimacy. Sometimes, however, differentiation leads to the second stage of relational breakdown, the circumscribing stage. In this stage, members carefully restrict their communication. Certain topics are placed off limits because they are too painful. “Let’s just skip it” or “I’d rather not discuss that” indicate that commu­nication has become a mine field of potentially explosive topics. As a result, very little information is exchanged, and expressions of commitment decrease.

In a failing relationship, the next stage is the stagnating stage. This stage is characterized by silence and inactivity. Communication is infrequent, and when it does occur, it is stylized, rigid, and awkward, as though the partners were strangers. Talk may be overly formal and polite, with negative emotions being conveyed nonverbally. Partners don’t bother to talk, because they believe it is useless. One might think that this uncomfortable stage cannot last long. Unfortunately, a couple may stagnate for months or even years, staying together because terminating seems too difficult, risky, or painful.

In the avoiding stage, partners separate either physically or emotionally. In a dating situation, one partner may suddenly stop answering the phone or disappear for weeks at a time, in a marriage, one spouse may spend more time at the office or visit relatives for the summer. If physical separation is impossi­ble, couples may isolate themselves psychologically, behaving as though the other does not exist.

The final stage in relational disengagement is theterminating stage. If both parties are aware that their relationship is dissolving, termination may come as a relief. In other cases, it may be a heart-wrenching surprise. Either way, termination is the time when individuals come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over. Knapp believes that communication during this stage ful­fills the three basic functions of other forms of leave-taking. It announces the upcoming separation, summarizes what has occurred during interaction, and determines the future of the relationship.

Date: 2016-04-22; view: 829