In general, love stories end badly.

You’ve known this for as long as you can remember—but that’s not all. You’ve also repeatedly been told that you’re going to fall in love several times, and so how could the first man be the right one? You’ve been warned endlessly that there will be temptations along the way. And that’s without taking into account that he, too, will have no shortage of options.

Yes, it’s all true. Statistically speaking, you’re (far) more likely to break up with him than to love him till death do you part. If he doesn’t call you back, then he wasn’t worth it. He’ll find someone he is more suited to. And so much the better—for you both.

But it’s the exception that makes the rule—and isn’t life the sum of these exceptions? You can never be absolutely sure (in love or, for that matter, in anything), and the perfect man doesn’t exist: they all need to be wrong for the one to be right. Love is the only part of your life in which you truly have no choice.

The good news is that over the course of your various liaisons—and incidentally all your not-so-glorious moments—you have learned to truly know yourself, to be strong and independent, to get by on your own. And so you don’t need anyone else to be happy. But you have to admit that, with him, it’s better.

In Paris, like anywhere else, it’s good to know how to look beyond your preconceptions, in order to become a girl in love.

A Woman’s Real Assets

Based on a fable by psychiatrist Milton Erickson

Milton Erickson (1901–1980) was by no means a Parisienne but a great American psychiatrist, specializing in human behavior, hypnosis, and family therapy as a way of treating neuroses.

A childhood experience proved to be especially seminal to his work: farmers were trying to get a young calf out of its stall, but it did not want to leave. The farmers tried pulling it out by its tail, to no avail: the calf pulled the other way and would not budge.

Suddenly, one of the farmers had an idea.

What they needed to do was pull the calf’s tail in the other direction, toward the stall rather than away from it. The animal immediately changed its mind and ran out, leaving the stall of its own accord.

From this, Milton Erickson derived an important discovery about human psychology—we often get it all wrong, trying one thing exhaustedly when all it takes is doing the exact opposite to achieve the desired effect.

Here is the Parisienne’s secret arsenal when she finds herself in a lovers’ quarrel:

TEARS

Some women think that men are moved by their tears. Perhaps they still harbor the illusion that opening the floodgates used to work well on their parents.

If you believe that tears are a vibrant sign of your vulnerability, think again. Forget the notion that they are heart-wrenching in any way. Crying is not a weapon, it’s little more than noise and needlessly wasted energy.

Unless you never cry.

In which case, the one time you do, you can be sure your tears will floor him.

But beware it’s a one-trick pony. Pick your moment wisely, because you won’t get a second shot.

JEALOUSY

Jealousy is a complete bore for all involved, regardless of whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of it. It’s a no-win game.

Instead of fanning the flames and causing a scene, retract your claws and nip the fantasy in the bud. You could say, “Not only is that woman beautiful, but she’s such fun and clever too!” Acknowledging the fantasy is the surest way of extinguishing its spark.

If, however, the appeal lingers, if the situation becomes riskier than expected, invite your adversary to your home for dinner. Setting a fox among the geese will make it a gosling. Worst-case scenario, you’ll have a new friend.

BELITTLEMENT

Belittling him to put him at your mercy—that’s just wishful thinking. Telling him that he doesn’t measure up to any old Joe picked up off the street is useless. Saying hurtful and disagreeable things won’t make him change. It’ll only make him run. Why would he stay with someone who clearly has such a low opinion of him? Instead, shower him with compliments. As his ego is being boosted by your flattery, he will want only one thing: to try to be more like the image you painted of him.

THE IN-LAWS

Don’t ever speak ill of your in-laws. Tell him your mother-in-law is the ideal woman. He’ll never get over it.

SULKING

In France, we have this very colorful expression for sulking in bed: l’auberge du cul tourné—the inn of the turned ass. In a nutshell, it means the only action your partner will get is a front-row viewing of your backside.

The problem with sulking is that it is an act of self-punishment. It’s a waste of time that could be better spent channeling creative energy. Instead of sulking, play the role of the perfect woman—it is far more destabilizing. Be cheerful, bright, and sensual—anything but sullen. Once he realizes all that he stands to lose, an apology and mea culpa will come sooner than expected.

When you’ve made up, unmake the bed. Getting under the sheets rather than under each other’s skin will heal both your wounds.

Date: 2016-01-14; view: 846