NOT YOUR MOST GLORIOUS MOMENTS

It’s the text message you send the very girl you are writing nasty stuff about. Simply because you were thinking of her so much that you accidentally selected her name.

Worse: It’s hearing yourself try to apologize to this girl, who doesn’t believe for a second that you’re sorry and is listening only for the pleasure of making you squirm.

It’s the charming guy you run into at a party for the second time, who comes up to you smiling, and says “Hi, Anne.” Your name is Audrey.

It’s the pantyhose that rip just as you sit down for a job interview. You focus so much on the hole in your stockings that it becomes a hole in your memory, which turns into a hole in your bank account when you don’t get the job.

It’s the pork roast you prepared for tonight’s dinner party, forgetting that your friends are practicing Muslims.

It’s the alarm on your phone that goes off in the middle of your 11:00 a.m. meeting reminding you to take your birth control. Best-case scenario, the guy sitting across from you thinks this is when you normally wake up.

It’s the morning after, when you open your eyes next to someone and remember that you never did take that birth control, because you were in said 11:00 a.m. meeting.

It’s when your father sends you that raunchy message meant for his mistress. And you promptly get over your Oedipus complex.

It’s champagne. Vodka. Champagne. Vodka. Champagne. Until it’s time to drink coffee.

It’s the embarrassing photo you have no recollection of taking that somehow made it to the office before you. Thanks, Twitter.

It’s realizing you’re the one who posted it. Merde.

It’s the 456 unread messages in your work in-box.

It’s the message from a headhunter you received a year ago but never saw among all those e‑mails.

It’s your banker being the first person to call you on your birthday.

It’s the taxman being the second, as if they were in cahoots.

It’s the pimple on your behind on date night.

Not your most glorious moments, but important because they prevent you from ever taking yourself too seriously.

Date: 2016-01-14; view: 881