How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man 4 page

Versus Factsthe success of Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man mounted, so too did the fever pitch of television specials, newspaper, and magazine stories questioning why it’s so difficult for single women who are intelligent, successful, beautiful, and, by their own accounts near perfect, to so much as find a date, much less a husband. And always, always, the most vocal single women either claimed they were perfectly happy being alone or they laid the blame for their unmarried status squarely in the lap of men: “I’m alone because men are intimidated by me.”, but as the title of this book suggests, I’m going to have to give it to you straight, no chaser and, at my own peril, take one for the team: in the minds and hearts of most men, the notion that a guy is “intimidated by your success” is nothing more than an excuse-a convenient way for some women to rationalize why they’re alone. Harsh but true. When we’re away from the womenfolk and talking among ourselves out on the golf course or on the basketball court or while enjoying a cigar at the bar, we men give a chuckle, shake our heads, and wonder aloud who told you this madness. Because, nothing, really, could be further from the truth. Men don’t mind strong, independent, capable women by any stretch. What we do mind is feeling like we’re not needed.it or not, there is a difference., this “men are intimidated by me” myth persists, as do others concerning women who are independent, particularly women who are financially or emotionally self-sufficient. So I am addressing these issues with the hope that, if women truly understand the mind-set of a man when he goes mano a mano with a strong, independent, successful woman, we can move the dialogue forward.1Don’t Like Women Who Talk About Their Material SuccessTRUTH: If you’ve got a degree or two, a fancy car, a nice place to lay your head at night, and a paycheck that’ll make a Fortune 500 CEO drop his jaw in awe, we are happy for you. Yes, you read that right. Happy. It doesn’t anger us, turn us off, or deliver a crushing blow to our self-esteem and ego if a woman has done well for herself and is living a splendid life.if that’s the defining element of your life-if this is what you live and die for, and the first thing out of your mouth after you introduce yourself is the year and make of your car, the purchase price on your fancy home, your credit score, followed by the single, strong, independent female creed-“I don’t need a man to take care of me!”-then guess what we’re going to translate that into? “Your services are not needed here.” And we will take our services elsewhere while you climb that corporate ladder alone. Worship alone. Raise your child alone. Shop alone (or with your girlfriends). Take all your vacations alone (or with your girlfriends). Only to return home… alone. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, mind you. Plenty of women are on their own, content with lives full of good friends and great experiences that don’t necessarily involve committed relationships with the opposite sex.for every woman who says she’s just fine by herself, there is a whole host of others who really are unsettled by the idea that they may not find the happily ever after that they thought would be waiting for them once they acquired the career, money, and status they worked so hard to get, and who really do believe with all their hearts that they’re alone because men are intimidated by or jealous of their success.is the thing, though: it is already obvious to most men that the majority of women can take care of themselves. If you were raised by parents who were even remotely concerned about your well-being, they likely taught you the importance of getting a solid education, pursuing a good career, and having the wherewithal to take care of yourself, whether a man is in your life or not. Men expect that you followed through on this promise to yourself and are doing all you can to be the best you can be, and we know it’s only natural for people, women included, to share things about themselves that they’re proud of.turns us off is when your personal seams are sewed up so tight we can’t see where we can fit in and what role we can play in your life. You leave us no room to be men. As I’ve said elsewhere here and in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, the way a man shows his love for a woman is by providing for her, protecting her, and professing for her-giving her the title of girlfriend, lady, or wife. Now if you tell a man you don’t need him to provide for you, you have all the cash you need to cover your bills and your lifestyle, and that you don’t need his protection because between your alarm system and Jake, the pit bull, your mansion is safe-then what would make him want to profess his love for you?, I understand that not all women are slinging their degrees and salaries and material gains in men’s faces to brag and suggest that they don’t need men. There is, too, this pervading idea that women need to list their accomplishments in order to not appear “needy” in men’s eyes, so that guys won’t think they’re being pursued for their money and material wealth. But here’s the rub. Everybody needs somebody. And everybody has voids they need filled: they want companionship, a family, someone to help them feel safe, someone to share their dreams with, someone who can be a male role model in their home, someone willing to listen to their problems and maybe even offer up a few suggestions on how to fix them too-even someone for less complicated things, like mowing the lawn, taking care of the car, and dealing with the bills. And you know what? We don’t mind if you need us. In fact, it’s only a turnoff to men who, for whatever selfish reasons, don’t want to fulfill your needs. The man who is genuinely interested in having a solid relationship with you wants to care for you, wants to hold your hand and provide a shoulder that’ll help you through the hard times, wants to spend his money making sure you’re provided for, wants to make sure no one ever hurts you, wants to be a good father to your children, wants to see you succeed because he knows it’s for the greater well-being of the family and makes you happy. We have no interest in creating you. We want to come in and complete you.you’re constantly saying you don’t need us, well, maybe you don’t.don’t have to sell yourself short or dumb it down. Of course you can still be proud of your accomplishments and share them with men, too. But how about adding a little truth to the mix. There’s nothing wrong with running down your credentials and then following them up with some truth about what you still desire but don’t yet have: “I’m really happy with my station in life-I’ve accomplished a lot. But I’m looking for a man who completes me. I’ve got myself halfway to where I want to be, but I dream about having a family and a husband who will be my partner in life.” Sharing your vision with a man and being clear about what you want in a relationship without devaluing him takes true courage-true strength. A man can sign up for that. A buddy of mine did exactly that when a woman to whom he was attracted made plain to him that she was looking for “the one” to live out the rest of her life with. He met her in a bank; he was the teller, she was the customer-and the chemistry between them was electric. She would give him flirtatious smiles, he would do his best to keep up the small talk so that she would stick around a little while longer. After a few months of flirting with the idea of taking her out, my friend finally did the deed: he asked her out for coffee at a local shop. She happily accepted his invitation and, over coffee and Danish, proceeded to blow him away. He already knew that she was financially set; he was, after all, her banker. But during their meeting, he also learned that she ran her own company, which she’d started after picking up clients and a lot of know-how working for-and becoming wealthy from-a longtime position at a Fortune 500 company. She wasn’t bragging-just sharing information about herself. And then she laid out for him exactly what she was looking for: “I’m a good woman, I have a great life and family and friends, but I know, too, that I want a man to love and who loves me back. That would be the ultimate for me.” She explained further that at forty-plus years old, she wasn’t looking to marry a millionaire; she just wanted a steady, faithful companion with whom she could build a solid life.stuck in the back of my friend’s mind. He may not have been able to buy her the biggest house on the block or add zeroes to her bank account or be in the position to make decisions that would affect her career, but he could still find room in there to be a man-to provide for her and protect her and have the broad set of shoulders she needed to lean on while they built that life together. It didn’t take him long to become the man she needed-the man she was looking for. And after more than a decade together, they’re still going strong.2Don’t Approach Strong Women Because They’re Intimidated by ThemTRUTH: We’re not intimidated by strong women. Intimidation is just another word for fear, and although men are afraid of a lot of things, women aren’t one of them. You can’t kick our behinds, and, short of that, little scares us. If we see you from across the room, we’re not counting the zeroes in your bank account, and we sure aren’t wondering what your job title and position is at work. We don’t care about that. Initially, we don’t even care how many kids you have, or what your dreams and goals and ambitions are. We just want to talk to you. But we will only do it if it looks like you won’t give us attitude simply for approaching you. Give us some credit; we’re way more crafty than you think-believe me when I tell you.are hunters by nature, predators who, if we’re not looking for anything serious, will look for the easy kill. The woman who’s dressed provocatively, who’s a little loud, who’s tossing back drinks and dancing suggestively and sending out the signals that she’s down for whatever won’t have a problem filling up her dance card with a bunch of guys who won’t be remotely serious about her. She’s going to be the ultimate throwback for the man who’s sport fishing, a man who is looking for a woman to use and toss back into the water. She’s easy to spot. But we can also spot, just as easily, the woman who has it all, plus attitude to spare-and who isn’t afraid to use it.’re not as stupid as you think we are, I promise you that. We don’t just run up on you; we watch you. We watch how you talk to the lady in the cafeteria line at work-how rudely you talk to her, how you don’t say “thank you” when she gives you your change and packs up your sandwich. We see who you choose to sit with-how you sit with only a certain type of person, but avoid anyone who doesn’t fit into your mold of “success.” We sense when you’re throwing off that “you’re really beneath me, why are you over here” vibe when guys with a certain look head your way. We determine things about you before we walk that long stretch to get to you, before we figure out just the right words we’ll say to get you to smile. And if we get the sense that you won’t smile, that you’re going to give off that “why are you over here” attitude, we’re not going to approach you. We’re going to conclude that we don’t need to deal with you.men aren’t approaching you, maybe it’s not because you’re intimidating but because they’re too busy focusing on the woman who isn’t cold and callous-the one who is smiling and comfortable with herself and appears to be having a good time, even if she is sitting alone.a woman looks engaging, we’ll engage her. But if she looks like one of those cold women who will meet our advances with hostility and act disinterested when any man even looks in her direction, well, yeah: men aren’t going to talk to her. Who needs that hassle? Who wants that hassle?3Can’t Be in Relationships with Women Who Make More MoneyTRUTH: A man who makes less money than you isn’t holding it against you. He’s taking it out on himself., you must understand that it is possible for men to be in serious relationships with women who bring in more cash. These days, with the economy in flux and men losing their jobs only to leave their women the biggest-and sometimes the sole-breadwinners in the house, there are more examples of unions that fit this bill than ever before. But it is not easy, by any stretch, for a man to swallow that, and it’s going to take some serious strategizing to make this work. His difficulty handling the financial imbalance isn’t about you-it’s about him. He’s not intimidated by or mad at you for succeeding; it’s more that he’s ashamed that he’s not growing with you. If he’s not moving forward financially or in terms of his status and position, if he’s not accomplishing anything special or feels like he’s not living up to his promise, as a man, to provide for his family, then he’s going to have problems seeing where he fits into the equation, particularly if it involves changes he didn’t sign up for.you’ve gotten a promotion and now you’re taking more phone calls, answering more e-mails, and going on more business trips, whereas he’s stuck at the house, trying to keep the kids quiet while you work or taking them to school and picking them up because you’re not there to do it as regularly as you used to. If this wasn’t something he was doing before, and those changes came along without any discussion or agreement about how familial and household responsibilities will now be divvied up, your man is either going to begrudge his new position or rail against it. For a guy to go from being a workingman all his life to playing Mr. Mom will take a toll on him. When you’re going against everything that feels like the natural order of things and you’re forced to play a role that falls outside your skill set, without your permission or your partner’s acknowledgment of what you’re going through, it’s a hard pill to swallow. If your man didn’t raise his hand and agree to be Mr. Mom, get ready for some degree of rebellion. Some men can make the adjustment, but some can’t., at least, without your help.is where it will be important to communicate and be very clear about what it will take to work together to keep the family intact. And this is where your tone will be important. Sit him down and talk to him like the lady you are; acknowledge that the financial dynamic is different and unexpected and unlike any one you’ve ever handled in your relationships, but that the dynamic between you and him is the one that is most important to you and the two of you have to be willing to do what it takes to make it work. Reiterate to him that you two aren’t in some kind of paycheck competition-that the money you’re bringing in isn’t solely for you, but for the team, the family, and that everyone in the house benefits when the two of you work together to keep the cash flowing, no matter whose faucet is flowing harder. Pump him up-tell him that you still have his name as do the children, and you still consider him, without question, the fearless leader and head of the household. Offer him encouragement, support, and show him appreciation; it’ll go a long way in helping him deal., there will be some of you who take issue with this, who think that putting him on a pedestal will somehow devalue you. But I ask you this: Isn’t your relationship worth it? His feelings? Is it so awful to boost up the man you love? Wouldn’t you want him to do the same if the tables were turned?’m guessing you would.can deal with the changes as long as your attitude and your tone don’t devalue his worth. Success outside the home will not translate into success inside your home if you’re using your financial upper hand as an excuse to talk to and treat your man like an employee or your child. Men are not inflexible; it’s all in the approach.4Expect and Want Strong, Independent Women to Lower Their Standards or Get Comfortable Being AloneTRUTH: Men really don’t care about what model, make, and specification of a man you prefer; if you’re looking for a mate who, like you, has a couple degrees, a high-paying salary in a fast-paced career, a mansion on the hill, and a fancy car to drive you to expensive restaurants, that’s your business. It bears no reflection on us, and we applaud you for sticking to your guns about the kind of man you want. But if there aren’t a bunch of those guys fitting that specific bill standing around waiting for you, don’t go broadcasting from the mountaintops that there aren’t any good men around, because there are plenty of “good” men around. What gets our goat is the refusal of strong, independent, extremely picky women to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, one of the biggest reasons they’re alone is because they’ve severely limited their dating pool by skipping over perfectly good guys for less attainable ones.us it’s like when we’re twelve and we’re thinking about what we want to be when we grow up. We tell everybody we want to play center field for the New York Yankees. Even though there are a billion of us who want that job, only a few of us will actually get the job, and at some point, we realize it’s probably not going to be us. Consequently, we adjust our expectations and come up with a more reasonable, attainable career goal.might be some benefit to applying this logic to dating. If you feel like your MBA, bank account, and baubles make you a contender for center field-the cream-of-the-crop bachelors, the men who are handsome, fit, smart, tall, educated, and rich, in addition to all of the other things you expect from a man-go for it. But if you keep getting passed up for the gig, don’t get bitter about it. There’s nothing worse or more annoying to a man than the old guy standing around with nothing but a dollar and a dream and his coulda, shoulda, woulda stories about how he’d have been the greatest center fielder the Yankees ever had if someone would have just given him a chance. He’s broke and jobless and bitter because he couldn’t see the bigger picture-refused to exercise his options.get it: you worked hard to get where you are, and you feel like you need and deserve someone who worked hard in the same way and acquired the same education and status as you did and has similar experiences and goals. But there are a lot of different ways of working hard and striving, and men can’t-and won’t-tolerate it when women dismiss their idea of success for their narrowly defined way of characterizing accomplishments and achievements. In essence, you’re looking for a man who is your financial and educational twin; you’re exceptional in a certain kind of way and you want him to be exceptional in a similar vein, which means you’re limiting your dating pool to a very small subset of men. This would be fine if men in the subset you’re looking in were limiting their dating pool to their economic and educational twin as well. But chances are, they’re not, because those aren’t the qualities that men tend to prize in a mate. Men look at qualities that draw from a much larger subset-someone who is good-looking, nurturing, kind, smart (enough), stable, noncompetitive, cheerful, fun to be around. Those traits may lead a man to a whole other subset of women who bring something entirely different to the table than you can or would.people-men in particular-are saying is that it might be more helpful to you to adjust your priorities and focus on traits that are the hallmark of a true relationship built on a solid foundation. A man who works a blue-collar job, drives a Taurus, and is attractive, family-oriented, respectful, and trustworthy may not ever help you achieve your wildest financial aspirations, but isn’t that the kind of guy who brings to the table the standards that will help you build a good relationship and life together? And say the guy driving the Range Rover with a collection of impressive titles and the big salary fits your bill financially and educationally, but he’s not trustworthy or honest and is, oh, I don’t know, horrible in bed. Would he still fit the bill of the perfect guy?are plenty of good men ready, willing, and capable of doing right by you if you let them. And you have every right to weed through them to get to what you want and stand firm until you get it. Just remember that you’re the one making the decision to limit your dating pool, and if you end up alone, it’s on you. We don’t take any pleasure in your being alone, but we’re certainly not going to take the blame for it either.5Who Date/Marry Independent Women Are Lazy and Just Looking for a Sugar Mama to Take Care of ThemTRUTH: Sure, a few guys out there take advantage of women with money to burn. That’s human nature. But it’s not a trait even remotely embraced by men. In fact, this kind of behavior goes against every cell in our being. It’s admitting weakness and failure to a woman, and to a man, that’s the worst thing in the world. We want women to think of us as strong and capable-especially the women we love. We’re raised to believe and internalize the age-old notion that we’re supposed to be the protector and the provider; when that’s in a man’s mind, there’s little room for fantasies featuring a financial princess who swoops in and takes responsibility for our subsistence. It’s one thing to accept gifts from a woman who likes to give them, but if she’s helping a man eat and providing a place for him to lay his head and buying his clothes and making it so he can survive because he can’t do it on his own, he’s not going to stick around for long. Don’t believe me? Why do you think there are so many single-parent families and absentee fathers? Some men leave because they can’t take being in the home if they can’t provide for their women and children. It’s unfortunate that these two things are interconnected, but a man can’t see himself being a good father if he can’t see himself providing for his family. In our minds and in yours, and the collective mind of society, the two-fatherhood and income-are inextricably linked. So if he’s not providing, the last thing he wants is someone-particularly his woman-accusing him of being less than a man. As a result, he’ll leave before he signs up to be taken care of by a “sugar mama.”doesn’t, however, mean that men aren’t willing to even entertain the offer of help. That you’re willing to open your heart and make a personal sacrifice so that we can have something better for ourselves is never lost on us. Indeed, it tells us something about the kind of woman you are-what kind of partner we might expect if we decide to hitch our wagons together. For sure, Marjorie won me over with her willingness to be selfless. She was there when I went from making a lot of money to making absolutely no money. I’d just given up my radio show in Los Angeles, and my TV show, Steve Harvey’s Big Time, had been canceled; to make matters worse, it was summer, a difficult time for comedy tours, so from June through August, I wasn’t going to make money touring. I was also tied up in an asset division case and had moved to New York without any real home in which to settle. Marjorie saw all of this but she didn’t say, “You know what? I’m not going to get more involved with you.” Instead, this woman, who is extremely strong and independent, who was living in her own home, helping to run her own family’s successful business, raising her own kids, and living her own life, offered to open her home to me. She literally took me to her house in Memphis and said, “Steve, we can live here.”I looked around, I said to myself, “Well, um, this is cute and all.” She’d decorated her home beautifully and she’s an amazing housekeeper (her home was immaculate), but it was small and there was no gate. I kept trying to explain to her that up until that very moment, after years of struggle, I’d been doing really well professionally and had every intention of doing even better going forward, these setbacks notwithstanding, and that a home without a gate could get really tricky for a celebrity. But none of that mattered to her. She kept telling me, “You don’t have to tell me that.” She had her own money and her own struggles, but she was riding out the latter and was willing to share her money with me, as long as I came to the table with the things she required: that I act like a father to her children, that I was a faithful husband, that I was a partner with whom she could share her dreams of the future, and that I could make her feel safe.her, everything was about family and the quality of her relationship, which told me where she was in her life and that what she wanted was much bigger than a bank account.this myth debunking is meant to help you understand that it’s time to let go of the whole notion that the reason strong, independent women can’t find men is because we men are afraid of your power. We are not afraid of you. We applaud your success. We’re not looking for you to take care of us. We don’t have a problem with you making more money. Indeed, we want you to be happy. And we don’t revel in your being alone. We do care about attitude, however-your attitude toward material things, your attitude toward others, your attitude toward us when we’re down and going through a transition of sorts.

get why it’s so easy to get sucked in.’s this guy at your door bearing gifts-say it’s the latest Fendi bag, a pair of Christian Louboutins to match the hot, body-skimming dress he laid across your bed last month, or a pair of diamond earrings the size of fists and a matching bangle so sparkly it makes your wrist look like a constellation. Or those gifts might be something much more practical-a check to cover a month’s worth of rent for the condo you all spend time in, or a payment for that Chrysler you’ve been driving around town, or a date in the chair of that stylist you love who sews in your tracks just the way you (and he!) like them or gives you highlights that all the women in the office envy. Hell, he might be bringing something as basic as a bag of groceries or lunch money for the kids.the gift, you’re happy to receive it, aren’t you? Because it keeps money in your pocket and, more important, it makes you feel like this man cares about you-wants you to look good, live comfortably, eat right, and have some of your needs and even some of your wants taken care of. Who wouldn’t sign up for that, especially if this guy is bringing these gifts and showing you what appears to be genuine affection?you know, back in the day, that guy was referred to as a “sugar daddy.” Sugar Daddy is a sweet person who takes care of you like your daddy would-gives you clothes, food, shelter. Delivers it all with sweetness beyond compare, but with expectations no “daddy” would ever expect of his real daughters. The sugar daddy motto: you be sweet to him, and he’ll be sweet to you.days, a sugar daddy has a different name: sponsor. No matter if you all call this man a “sugar daddy” or a “sponsor,” we men simply refer to him as a player and you as a woman willing to prostitute yourself without even realizing it., I said it., you may be getting some nice things, but honestly, accepting gifts from a guy without getting what you want in return is nothing more than an advanced form of prostitution. See, we men understand this much: there’s a “cost”-direct or indirect-associated with sex. We can buy it at the strip club or at a brothel or online, or we can take you to dinner and the movies, pay your rent, buy you some jewelry, send you to get your hair done on our dime, or hand you money. Either way, we fully expect that if we’re spending money, we’re going to get something in return: sex.trust me when I tell you, there is nothing sugary or sweet about giving so much of yourself to a man who, at the end of the day, is giving up so little in return. Oh, it may look like he’s giving you the world. Hell, a sugar daddy/sponsor/player will go out of his way to make it seem like he’s going all out, just for you. But a sugar daddy who is, in essence, paying for sex will never make any real, long-term sacrifice, will never pursue anything that substantially chips away at his own bottom line. He’ll play the game as long as it goes undetected and will not interfere with a relationship that’s important to him.will not pay your rent if it means he can’t pay his.will not buy you a car if he doesn’t have one for himself.will not buy you groceries if his refrigerator isn’t full.will not take you to the hot party if a woman he cares for more wants to go too.he most certainly will not fall in love with you just because you’re giving him some tail.my line of business, I see this all the time. Men with means-celebrities, athletes, bankers, businessmen-have one, two, three, and even more women on the side, and each one of them will be the proud recipient of a sponsorship package: they might get $2,000 for rent in a luxurious condo, maybe $700 for a car note, $300 for hair and nail appointments, an expensive pair of shoes or a dress every now and again. Tally that up, and those women have gotten something very valuable from their sugar daddies, haven’t they? They have a place to live and transportation, and they get to look good from head to toe-all on someone else’s dime. But what they’re getting from their sponsors is worth nothing more than a dime to a sugar daddy in the scheme of things; if he’s making millions, what is that little $3,000 a month costing him? The woman who’s getting that sponsorship package is worth very little-the equivalent of a drawerful of cashmere Marcoliani socks, a few fancy Hermès ties, and a pair of expensive cuff links. He might as well be flipping a quarter in her direction.you’re involved with a sugar daddy or sponsor, you don’t even have to ask for that quarter either. The real players always offer to help you with whatever your needs are before they’re expressed-we pick it up in conversation, see it with our own two eyes. You pull up in a car that looks like it’s on its last leg? A sugar daddy’s got a car payment for you or a ride to wherever you need to go. A potential sponsor comes over to your house and sees that all your furniture looks like it came from the 1950s and your two little kids’ hand-me-downs date back to the 1970s? Your sponsor is going to be sure to kick you a little cash for some new furniture or take the kids clothes shopping. A sugar daddy goes out with a woman and looks down at her feet and asks what size she wears. Please believe, he’s going to make a mental note that she said she wears a size 9, and a few weeks later when she’s not thinking about it, he’s going to show up with a nice pair of shoes in the perfect size. Those shoes are going to get him a kiss. And when he asks her what size dress she wears, a few weeks later, he’s going to trade in a size 10 outfit for a hug and a kiss and maybe a little bit more. The woman hasn’t said she wants clothes or a dress or anything else, but she’s not turning it down, either. The money and the gifts are bait, and he knows she’s biting.’s going to keep the bait coming, too, because he’s investing in her. It’s just a slick way of giving her what she values-a way to reel her in without sacrificing anything he truly needs or wants. And what kind of return does he get on his investment? Something that no man should be able to buy: her love, her devotion, and her body-three things that are absolutely priceless.trust me, a player doesn’t have to be rich to offer sponsorship packages. The regular workingman is just as much an expert at investing in a woman as the richest man on the planet. You’re short on cash and running out of milk? Here come some groceries, some baby food, and a couple of lollipops for the kids. You a little light on money for the bills? Here comes a couple dollars toward the phone and light bills. Your car’s not running right? Here he comes to change the oil or check on the timing belt or change the flat tire. He doesn’t have to have a lot of money-he just needs to see a need and fulfill it, at minimal or no cost to himself.understand, there really is a difference between a man who provides and one who is simply investing. As I’ve said elsewhere in this book, a man who truly loves you will do three things: profess his love for you publicly, protect you by any means necessary, and provide for you, no matter if it means there’s nothing left for himself. He will not spend his money on trifling things and come to you with what’s left, and he will not selfishly give you a little cut and take the rest for himself. If he’s a real man, he will always sacrifice buying something for himself until he’s fulfilled his responsibility to provide for you; he will not buy a new set of golf clubs or a nice suit if he knows the kids’ tuition is due. He does this because providing for you-even if it means sacrificing what he needs for himself-is fulfilling his role and purpose as a man who is showing his genuine love for his woman.man who is buying baubles and trinkets but refuses to give you what you really want-a true, monogamous, loving relationship, however, is simply using you. He’s paying your rent and car note, but he’s doing it only because he expects something in return, and the moment it starts costing him to keep buying you, he’s out. His sponsorship package may make you feel grateful to be with him, but really, you’re being played-kept in a holding pattern until he’s ready to move on. He’s buying your kindness, your sex, your love, your affection-a cool place to chill out and escape whatever problems he’s dealing with, like the nagging wife or girlfriend, or the dog-eat-dog competition at work, or the pressure that comes with raising kids with a difficult ex. And while you’re letting him spend money on you and giving him your all, you’re compromising your requirements and standards and missing out on what most women looking for a sound relationship want in a man-understanding, tenderness, companionship, a man willing to share himself and grow with you and truly sacrifice for you. He reels you in by telling you he’s with you because he can find peace in your arms, but you’re not finding any peace.true player knows how to, well, play on your needs; he’s very clear on what women need-someone to share their lives with and someone who makes them feel secure. I’m not qualified to say that these are the only things women look for because I’m not one, but I can say those two things have been important for every woman I’ve dealt with in any kind of way. As hunters, we men understand this, and so we’ll set out the bait to meet those two needs, knowing that if we just give the illusion of those two things, we get everything we want out of you.course, some relationships are built on this; the world is full of women who want nothing more than to be sponsored-to get a man’s cash with no obligation to him. For every woman like that, there are twenty men willing to sign up for the program because, just like she claims she doesn’t want anything more than money, he’s clear that he doesn’t want anything more than the sex that comes with handing the money over. If a man meets a woman who is physically to his liking and she makes it perfectly clear she doesn’t want anything but a little financial help, then cool: we’re used to that. We have to pay for your company and sex anyway. So instead of taking you to dinner and wining and dining you, let’s package it all up and call it rent. Instead of taking you on trips, let’s add all the money that would involve and call it a car note. And once those things are paid for and the passionate moment has come and gone, we’re through. If you don’t want anything emotionally, well hell, guess what? We don’t want anything either. Men are not dumb-they know when they’re being gamed for their cash. But trust me when I tell you: a man enters these kinds of relationships willingly. You’re not pulling the wool over his eyes. And the moment he decides he’s bored with you or tired of the game, he’ll simply move on-either to another woman who has more excitement to offer, or to a woman whom he’s decided to give his heart to. He’s the master of the game. He knows what’s up.moment you start expecting more from him is the moment you’ll be in trouble. You may have liked being spoiled but as with any sugar high, eventually, you’re going to crash; you’re going to come down and crave something of substance. However, you won’t get it. You’ll have his cell-phone number but you won’t be able to call him at the house; you’ll be invited to his “house” but it won’t look lived in (which means he probably has a real home with somebody somewhere else); you won’t ever meet his family or go on double dates with his best friends (because no one else-especially his boy’s girlfriend, who is likely friends with his real girlfriend-can see you, lest they give you and him a hard time); you won’t ever sit next to him in a house of worship (even the hardest dogs of dogs won’t push the limit with the Lord that far, and there aren’t too many dudes who have that kind of dog in them). He’s generous, but he’s not sharing his life with you.will not get real companionship from him. You will not get him to protect, profess, or provide for you-to truly get him to show and prove his love for you. What’s worse is that when Mr. Right does come along, you won’t recognize him because your standards will be out of reach of what most well-intentioned men can provide; you’ll miss the guy who is willing to pick you up on time and introduce you to his friends and sit in a house of worship with you on Sunday morning but doesn’t have the money to, say, pay your rent. The man who is willing to give you true kindness, understanding, companionship, and attention doesn’t have a chance because you’ve sold out for cash to pay your car note and rent.the car note and rent worth that if what you ultimately want is a sound, secure, loving relationship?how do you get away from the sugar and find yourself some substance? Get back to what I told you in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: get some standards and some requirements. A man can only act like a sugar daddy if you sign up for the program to be “sugared,” I promise you. Trust me-I’ve seen it a million times. I’ve got plenty of friends who’ve played sugar daddy more times than they’re willing to cop to. One of my boys had a fleet of gorgeous women he flew all around the country; he’d buy them things to keep them interested and have them coming and going as if he was running air traffic control at LAX. Arrival and departure times-that’s all he cared about. I personally saw the doorman who controlled entry into his building high-five him one evening and say, “Sir, I’m enjoying your visits.” He did nothing for those women-he didn’t profess any love for them, he didn’t take them to meet his family, there was no coming over to his house unannounced, and they weren’t invited into his life to share it with him. He was just offering up sponsorship packages.he met his match-a beautiful woman with her head on her shoulders who made clear to him that she wasn’t about to sign up for the program. She made it very clear that she wasn’t interested in how much he made or what he did for a living-she just wanted a man who would love her and be faithful. And she let him know, too, that she couldn’t be bought-not with the typical things he used to get for the other women. Her purchase price was a mite higher: she told him how he was going to treat her, how he was going to deal with her, and how he was going to show his love to her. And he rose to the occasion. I swear to you, living with a woman like that is like living with corrections; whatever wrong mess you did before comes to a stop with her, and if you want to stay with her, you do what she wants you to do in order to keep her. She lets you know, too, that she’s willing to walk away if you don’t act right and quick.’s the power you have in a true, valuable relationship. Convincing a man to give you things isn’t power, I promise you that. When you sign up for a sugar daddy, all you’re doing is delaying what is real-your true happiness-because a sugar daddy eventually goes away. The relationship is almost always temporary. Of course, some men are genuinely trying to help you, but plenty more are just playing and biding their time. The key to determining the difference is figuring out if you’re getting what you need and really want. If you’re taking the help but your relationship isn’t going anywhere-he’s not calling, he’s consistently not showing up when he said he would, he’s treating you like a throwback instead of a keeper (see the glossary)-then you’re being used., I can’t and I won’t tell you not to accept gifts from a man; he might very well be the man of your dreams and he may want to give you something nice because that’s what he wants to do for the woman with whom he can see himself. But please know he’s giving you something because he wants something. Your job is to make clear what you want, and let him know that the true gift he can give-the one you’re willing to accept with an open heart-is not material, it’s true love. If he can’t give that to you, then walk away.you understand what I’m saying here? Walk. Away.’ve got to be willing to do this to get what you want. Don’t be scared; if this man is giving you only the material things, but isn’t being the kind of man you want, need, and deserve, leave him and open yourself up to someone better-the guy who is willing to do what it takes to keep you.II. Finding a Man

Date: 2015-01-02; view: 650