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VOICES ON TELEVISION

I can't live without you. I love you. I love you too, but it's for the best. It's finished. Oh, but darling, no. I'll die without you.

ANNIE

[Blows nose]

No, she can't!

BRIDGET

No, she can’t! He’s too good looking!

ANNIE

And her husband’s so awful!

VOICE ON TELEVISION

I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than...

Sound of telephone

BRIDGET

It’s your turn.

ANNIE

Hello? A message for who? Rock Thrust? I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong number. That's OK. Bye.

BRIDGET

Well, who was that?

ANNIE

Someone wanted Rock Thrust.

BRIDGET

Rock Thrust? What a stupid name.

ANNIE

I know. Who would have a silly name like that?

NICK

Go, go, go, go, go! It's a raid!

HECTOR

Don't move. Legs in the air.

NICK

Hands. Not legs, hands in the air.

HECTOR

Oh, sorry.

Hands in the air.

BRIDGET

Hello Nick.

 

ANNIE

Hello Hector.

NICK

How did you know it was us?

ANNIE

Oh, lucky guess.

BRIDGET

Great. It's like Piccadilly Circus here on a Friday night. This apartment is very busy. Crazy phone calls, crazy names and now the FBI!

NICK

So Bridget, darling, any messages for me?

BRIDGET

What do you mean, messages?

Who do you think I am? Your secretary?

This is not your apartment. You do not live here. I never have any privacy.

NICK

But they cut off my telephone.

BRIDGET

That's not my problem. You should pay your bills.

HECTOR

Sorry, Bridget.

BRIDGET

And Hector, you live with Nick now. Please knock on the door.

Now I want to be alone!

Sound of door slamming

NICK

Well, that went well. What's wrong with her?

ANNIE

Nick, what day is it?

NICK

Wednesday.

ANNIE

And what time is it?

HECTOR

I know. Half past six.

ANNIE

So...

NICK and HECTOR

So...

ANNIE

So what's on television?

NICK

Oh, Love's True Dream.

HECTOR

Love's True Dream. What is that?

NICK

"Oh, Alberto, Alberto! I love you, I love you", "And I love you too, Penelope". Bridget's favourite programme.

ANNIE

Yeah, and mine.

HECTOR

Oh, really, Annie? Why?

ANNIE

Because it's about the simple love of a boy from Argentina and a girl from England.

HECTOR

Huh?

ANNIE

The simple love of a boy from Argentina and a girl from England.

HECTOR

Nice.

ANNIE

Oh, Hector! I love this advert.

HECTOR

What is it?

ANNIE

It's for chocolate mousse - shhh! "Chocolate so smooth it will melt a beautiful lady's heart. Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lov-ers". Hmmm, I love chocolate mousse.

Hey! This advert's good too. "Oooh, popcorn in the microwave, popcorn in just seconds, popcorn in your tummy, they're pop-tastic!"



HECTOR

And do you like popcorn, Annie?

ANNIE

Oh yeah, especially pop-tastic popcorn.

HECTOR

Well, we don't have pop-tastic popcorn in Argentina, but we make great popcorn.

ANNIE

Yeah?

HECTOR

Yes, I'll make it in the frying pan.

NICK

Oh yes! Yes, great! I've got the part, I've got the part!

HECTOR

Wow, man! That is great!

ANNIE

What is it?

NICK

Let's just say that my face will be on your television every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge audience.

HECTOR

O-ho! "Ladies and gentleman, a star is born!".

ANNIE

Oh, Nick, that's fantastic!

HECTOR

Ha-ha! This is it, Nick.

Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood.

Sound of cameras clicking

NICK

I'd just like to thank my parents, my brothers and sisters, my dog, ...... and of course my adorable girlfriend, Bridget.

BRIDGET

Huh! I don't think so. Anyway, what's going on?

ANNIE

Oh, it's wonderful news, Bridget.

HECTOR

Nick is going to be on television.

BRIDGET

Well, tell us, Nick, what is it?

NICK

Well, it's on every night. It'll be hot. Sometimes it'll be stormy, so will you still love me when I'm a superstar?

BRIDGET

Yes, Nick, and I'm going to help you to be a great superstar.

NICK

Yes!

BRIDGET

Lesson number one: This is how all superstars make a big exit.

Goodbye, Nick. See you at the Oscars.

Annie?

ANNIE

Uh-huh?

BRIDGET

I really think you're watching too many adverts.

ANNIE

What do you mean, too many adverts?

BRIDGET

Well, remember Chunky Chunks?

ANNIE

Oh, Chunky Chunks. "Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge! Nick, in front of you are two plates and all you have to do is tell me which plate is Chunky Chunks - A or B.

Ready? OK.

This is Plate A."

NICK

Hmm.

ANNIE

"Good. And this is Plate B."

NICK

Huh.

ANNIE

"OK, Nick. Which plate do you think was Chunky Chunks? A or B?"

NICK

Well, they both smelled great.

ANNIE

"Correct! Well done!

Both plates were Chunky Chunks!"

NICK

By the way, Annie.

ANNIE

Uh-huh?

NICK

What are Chunky Chunks?

ANNIE

Dog food, of course.

BRIDGET

Do you see what I mean?

ANNIE

I think so. What's that noise?

HECTOR

Oh, Annie's popcorn.

ANNIE

My popcorn?

HECTOR

Yes, I wanted to make popcorn just for you.

ANNIE

Oh Hector, thank you. Oh, you are sweet.

BRIDGET

I like popcorn too, Hector.

BRIDGET [composing email]

‘This apartment is very busy!

Crazy phone calls for a stranger called Rock Thrust.’

BRIDGET

‘Rock Thrust? What a stupid name!’

ANNIE

I know!

BRIDGET [composing email]

‘Hector and Nick come in without knocking!’

NICK

Go, go, go, go, go!

BRIDGET

And Annie is crazy about adverts!

ANNIE

"Popcorn in your tummy, they're pop-tastic!"

NICK

... ... guess what? I've got the part.

HECTOR

Man, that is great!

NICK

I'm gonna be a star!

[composing email] ‘My own show, every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge audience!’

HECTOR

Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood.

NICK

Ah, I co-starred with Russell Crowe in this one.

HECTOR

You, in Gladiator? Wow, Nick, I didn't realise. What were you?

NICK

The centurion.

HECTOR

Which centurion?

NICK

Ah! Here it is. There, that's me, on the ground.

HECTOR

Huh! A dead centurion.

NICK

Yeah, good, eh? I had some words, but they were cut.

HECTOR

What did you say?

NICK

"Nwrraaahhh!"

Hey, but now I've got the whole script just for me on television every night.

HECTOR

Nick, tell me, what is it?

NICK

It's my show. When I'm a star, I will not forget you, my friend.

VOICE ON TELEVISION

...Join me at 5.30 PM today when I'll show you how to make a delicious chocolate mousse, a dessert for lovers. You'll need chocolate, eggs and butter.

And don't forget the way to a heart is through the stomach.

HECTOR

The way to the heart is through the stomach. What does that mean?

NICK

It means if you want a girlfriend, cook for her.

HECTOR

I want to learn how to cook.

ANNIE

Anyway, what do you mean by I watch too many adverts?

BRIDGET

Well, remember when you wanted us to change our washing powder?

ANNIE

Oh, ho! "Hello there. As a mother, I must fight different stains every day. Tomato ketchup. Chocolate - huh! Gravy. And egg.

But help is here! I will wash one shirt in ordinary washing powder and the other in new Zap! So, the shirt washed in normal washing powder is - oh! - still dirty, but the shirt washed in new Zap is …” Oh!

BRIDGET

Annie, have you seen my red T-shirt anywhere?

ANNIE

Oops!

BRIDGET

See what I mean?

HECTOR

Oh, hello, Bridget.

BRIDGET

Hello, Hector.

HECTOR

Oh, hi, Annie.

NICK

Oh, thank you. Yes, I know.

HECTOR

Do you know where Nick is?

BRIDGET

No, we've just arrived.

NICK

I'm a great actor.

ANNIE

I think I know where Nick is.

NICK

.....Would love to do the part, but I'm too busy.

No, it's not the money, but I don't need 15 million quid. Look, talk to my agent, Bridget, huh?

BRIDGET

I have an idea.

NICK

Oh, so Robert de Niro said yes already.

Hmm, well... hello?

Telephone rings

BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary]

Hello? Nick Jessop?

NICK

Yeah.

BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary]

I have an executive from Warner Brothers on the line for you.

NICK

Right.

HECTOR [pretending to be a Hollywood executive]

Hello Nick. You are very big in England. What are you working on now?

NICK

Hi. Well, it's something that all of England watches. It's the... You can laugh, but tomorrow night at 6 o'clock, you will see that Nick from next door has star quality and then Spielberg will call. Now excuse me, I must learn my line.

ANNIE [composing email]

‘You know how much l love adverts. Do you remember my Chunky Chunks?’

"Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge!" ‘And Zap!’

"New Zap!"

My favourite advert right now is for chocolate mousse. "Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lovers".

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]

Hello all you gorgeous chefs. And welcome to Charlotte's Kitchen.

Today - hmmm! - chocolate mousse, a dessert for lovers. First, take some chocolate.

HECTOR

Chocolate.

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]

And melt it over hot water.

HECTOR

Melt?

Oh! Over hot water.

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]

Now, my darlings, you must separate the eggs into two bowls.

HECTOR

Separate the eggs?

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]

Separate the yolk from the white.

HECTOR

Oh, the, the...

ANNIE

Hector?

HECTOR

Ah, hello, Annie.

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]

Mix the yolk and the chocolate. Add the butter. And now for the fun - whisking! I love whisking, don't you?

HECTOR

Oh, whisking?

ANNIE

Ah! You need Annie's magic whisk.

HECTOR

Yes, please.

CHARLOTTE

Nearly finished, my darlings. Finally, add the whites to the chocolate and put it in the fridge.

And in 30 minutes, this delicious chocolate mousse will be ready for your lover to taste - hmm!

HECTOR

And put it in the fridge - mwahh!

BRIDGET

Why Hector, who's the lucky lady? I think I know! Hmm! Chocolate mousse, my favourite dessert.

ANNIE

Nick!!

What time is it?!

HECTOR

Six o'clock.

ANNIE

Quick! Change channels!


Date: 2015-12-24; view: 191


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