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VOICES ON TELEVISIONI can't live without you. I love you. I love you too, but it's for the best. It's finished. Oh, but darling, no. I'll die without you. ANNIE [Blows nose] No, she can't!
BRIDGET No, she can’t! He’s too good looking!
ANNIE And her husband’s so awful!
VOICE ON TELEVISION I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than... Sound of telephone BRIDGET It’s your turn. ANNIE Hello? A message for who? Rock Thrust? I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong number. That's OK. Bye. BRIDGET Well, who was that? ANNIE Someone wanted Rock Thrust. BRIDGET Rock Thrust? What a stupid name. ANNIE I know. Who would have a silly name like that? NICK Go, go, go, go, go! It's a raid! HECTOR Don't move. Legs in the air. NICK Hands. Not legs, hands in the air. HECTOR Oh, sorry. Hands in the air. BRIDGET Hello Nick.
ANNIE Hello Hector. NICK How did you know it was us? ANNIE Oh, lucky guess. BRIDGET Great. It's like Piccadilly Circus here on a Friday night. This apartment is very busy. Crazy phone calls, crazy names and now the FBI! NICK So Bridget, darling, any messages for me? BRIDGET What do you mean, messages? Who do you think I am? Your secretary? This is not your apartment. You do not live here. I never have any privacy. NICK But they cut off my telephone. BRIDGET That's not my problem. You should pay your bills. HECTOR Sorry, Bridget. BRIDGET And Hector, you live with Nick now. Please knock on the door. Now I want to be alone! Sound of door slamming NICK Well, that went well. What's wrong with her? ANNIE Nick, what day is it? NICK Wednesday. ANNIE And what time is it? HECTOR I know. Half past six. ANNIE So... NICK and HECTOR So... ANNIE So what's on television? NICK Oh, Love's True Dream. HECTOR Love's True Dream. What is that?
NICK "Oh, Alberto, Alberto! I love you, I love you", "And I love you too, Penelope". Bridget's favourite programme. ANNIE Yeah, and mine. HECTOR Oh, really, Annie? Why? ANNIE Because it's about the simple love of a boy from Argentina and a girl from England. HECTOR Huh? ANNIE The simple love of a boy from Argentina and a girl from England. HECTOR Nice. ANNIE Oh, Hector! I love this advert. HECTOR What is it? ANNIE It's for chocolate mousse - shhh! "Chocolate so smooth it will melt a beautiful lady's heart. Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lov-ers". Hmmm, I love chocolate mousse. Hey! This advert's good too. "Oooh, popcorn in the microwave, popcorn in just seconds, popcorn in your tummy, they're pop-tastic!" HECTOR And do you like popcorn, Annie? ANNIE Oh yeah, especially pop-tastic popcorn. HECTOR Well, we don't have pop-tastic popcorn in Argentina, but we make great popcorn. ANNIE Yeah? HECTOR Yes, I'll make it in the frying pan. NICK Oh yes! Yes, great! I've got the part, I've got the part! HECTOR Wow, man! That is great! ANNIE What is it? NICK Let's just say that my face will be on your television every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge audience. HECTOR O-ho! "Ladies and gentleman, a star is born!". ANNIE Oh, Nick, that's fantastic! HECTOR Ha-ha! This is it, Nick. Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood. Sound of cameras clicking NICK I'd just like to thank my parents, my brothers and sisters, my dog, ...... and of course my adorable girlfriend, Bridget. BRIDGET Huh! I don't think so. Anyway, what's going on? ANNIE Oh, it's wonderful news, Bridget. HECTOR Nick is going to be on television. BRIDGET Well, tell us, Nick, what is it? NICK Well, it's on every night. It'll be hot. Sometimes it'll be stormy, so will you still love me when I'm a superstar?
BRIDGET Yes, Nick, and I'm going to help you to be a great superstar. NICK Yes! BRIDGET Lesson number one: This is how all superstars make a big exit. Goodbye, Nick. See you at the Oscars. Annie? ANNIE Uh-huh? BRIDGET I really think you're watching too many adverts. ANNIE What do you mean, too many adverts? BRIDGET Well, remember Chunky Chunks? ANNIE Oh, Chunky Chunks. "Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge! Nick, in front of you are two plates and all you have to do is tell me which plate is Chunky Chunks - A or B. Ready? OK. This is Plate A." NICK Hmm. ANNIE "Good. And this is Plate B." NICK Huh. ANNIE "OK, Nick. Which plate do you think was Chunky Chunks? A or B?" NICK Well, they both smelled great. ANNIE "Correct! Well done! Both plates were Chunky Chunks!" NICK By the way, Annie. ANNIE Uh-huh? NICK What are Chunky Chunks? ANNIE Dog food, of course. BRIDGET Do you see what I mean? ANNIE I think so. What's that noise? HECTOR Oh, Annie's popcorn. ANNIE My popcorn? HECTOR Yes, I wanted to make popcorn just for you. ANNIE Oh Hector, thank you. Oh, you are sweet. BRIDGET I like popcorn too, Hector.
BRIDGET [composing email] ‘This apartment is very busy! Crazy phone calls for a stranger called Rock Thrust.’ BRIDGET ‘Rock Thrust? What a stupid name!’ ANNIE I know! BRIDGET [composing email] ‘Hector and Nick come in without knocking!’ NICK Go, go, go, go, go! BRIDGET And Annie is crazy about adverts! ANNIE "Popcorn in your tummy, they're pop-tastic!" NICK ... ... guess what? I've got the part. HECTOR Man, that is great! NICK I'm gonna be a star! [composing email] ‘My own show, every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge audience!’ HECTOR Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood. NICK Ah, I co-starred with Russell Crowe in this one. HECTOR You, in Gladiator? Wow, Nick, I didn't realise. What were you? NICK The centurion. HECTOR Which centurion? NICK Ah! Here it is. There, that's me, on the ground. HECTOR Huh! A dead centurion. NICK Yeah, good, eh? I had some words, but they were cut. HECTOR What did you say? NICK "Nwrraaahhh!" Hey, but now I've got the whole script just for me on television every night. HECTOR Nick, tell me, what is it? NICK It's my show. When I'm a star, I will not forget you, my friend.
VOICE ON TELEVISION ...Join me at 5.30 PM today when I'll show you how to make a delicious chocolate mousse, a dessert for lovers. You'll need chocolate, eggs and butter. And don't forget the way to a heart is through the stomach. HECTOR The way to the heart is through the stomach. What does that mean? NICK It means if you want a girlfriend, cook for her. HECTOR I want to learn how to cook. ANNIE Anyway, what do you mean by I watch too many adverts? BRIDGET Well, remember when you wanted us to change our washing powder? ANNIE Oh, ho! "Hello there. As a mother, I must fight different stains every day. Tomato ketchup. Chocolate - huh! Gravy. And egg. But help is here! I will wash one shirt in ordinary washing powder and the other in new Zap! So, the shirt washed in normal washing powder is - oh! - still dirty, but the shirt washed in new Zap is …” Oh! BRIDGET Annie, have you seen my red T-shirt anywhere? ANNIE Oops! BRIDGET See what I mean? HECTOR Oh, hello, Bridget. BRIDGET Hello, Hector. HECTOR Oh, hi, Annie.
NICK Oh, thank you. Yes, I know. HECTOR Do you know where Nick is?
BRIDGET No, we've just arrived. NICK I'm a great actor.
ANNIE I think I know where Nick is. NICK .....Would love to do the part, but I'm too busy. No, it's not the money, but I don't need 15 million quid. Look, talk to my agent, Bridget, huh?
BRIDGET I have an idea. NICK Oh, so Robert de Niro said yes already. Hmm, well... hello?
Telephone rings
BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary] Hello? Nick Jessop? NICK Yeah.
BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary] I have an executive from Warner Brothers on the line for you. NICK Right.
HECTOR [pretending to be a Hollywood executive] Hello Nick. You are very big in England. What are you working on now? NICK Hi. Well, it's something that all of England watches. It's the... You can laugh, but tomorrow night at 6 o'clock, you will see that Nick from next door has star quality and then Spielberg will call. Now excuse me, I must learn my line. ANNIE [composing email] ‘You know how much l love adverts. Do you remember my Chunky Chunks?’ "Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge!" ‘And Zap!’ "New Zap!" My favourite advert right now is for chocolate mousse. "Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lovers".
CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] Hello all you gorgeous chefs. And welcome to Charlotte's Kitchen. Today - hmmm! - chocolate mousse, a dessert for lovers. First, take some chocolate. HECTOR Chocolate.
CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] And melt it over hot water. HECTOR Melt? Oh! Over hot water. CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] Now, my darlings, you must separate the eggs into two bowls. HECTOR Separate the eggs? CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] Separate the yolk from the white. HECTOR Oh, the, the... ANNIE Hector? HECTOR Ah, hello, Annie.
CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE] Mix the yolk and the chocolate. Add the butter. And now for the fun - whisking! I love whisking, don't you? HECTOR Oh, whisking? ANNIE Ah! You need Annie's magic whisk. HECTOR Yes, please.
CHARLOTTE Nearly finished, my darlings. Finally, add the whites to the chocolate and put it in the fridge. And in 30 minutes, this delicious chocolate mousse will be ready for your lover to taste - hmm! HECTOR And put it in the fridge - mwahh!
BRIDGET Why Hector, who's the lucky lady? I think I know! Hmm! Chocolate mousse, my favourite dessert.
ANNIE Nick!! What time is it?!
HECTOR Six o'clock. ANNIE Quick! Change channels!
Date: 2015-12-24; view: 665
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