BIBLICAL DATING: TIPS FOR ENGAGEMENT

Let's talk first (and briefly) about the decision whether to marry a particular person. Here's a quick review:

First, look at the purpose that God has for your life (generally to "bring glory to God and enjoy Him forever"; more specifically how you see that playing out in your ministry and circumstances). What do you think your ministry will be, or what is it now as the Lord has placed you? Will you be able, generally speaking, to serve God better together than apart? Will you be able to accomplish ministry (be it your original plan or one that you have caught a vision for through this person) more effectively together than apart?

Next, look more closely at Ephesians 5:22-33. Look at the roles laid out there for men and women. Do you desire to fill your role with the person in question specifically in mind? Do you feel that you can love her sacrificially, or respect and support him?

Also, what do others (those that both of you have been seeking counsel from, under whose authority the relationship has taken place, Christian friends or family) think of the relationship? Does it look solid to them? Does the relationship seem to be good for both of you spiritually, glorifying to God and Christ-centered?

Finally, is there an affection for this person in my heart and mind based on the way God has defined biblical manhood and womanhood? This is (hopefully) a much deeper and godlier assessment then simply asking, "Am I physically attracted to him or her?" or "Do we have chemistry?"

Off You Go

If you get through all that soul-searching, you may decide (probably separately at this point) that marriage between the two of you is the right thing before the Lord. If that happens, the next step is for the guy to go through that terrifying joyful process of learning about cubic zirconium diamonds, ascertaining the exact specifications of the ring his girlfriend wants through various acts of espionage picking out the perfect ring based on heartfelt intuition, and agonizing about carefully planning a way to propose that will not thoroughly embarrass him sweep the woman he loves off her feet. Just as you women suspect, this process comes naturally and easily to all men. After the proposal is seamlessly executed and delivered by the man with no snags whatsoever, the woman says yes with no hesitation, accompanied by smiles and tears all around. Individual results may vary.

OK, congratulations, you're engaged. What do you do now? There is really only one concept to keep in mind when it comes to engagement, and it's quite easy. It should guide you in every decision, thought and act until you stand before God, the people and the pastor on the big day. Ready? You are not married yet. Now, depending on logistical or other circumstances, cultural backgrounds, length of relationship, things other Christians might have told you, there's another way to put this: Ready? You are not married yet. Remember that if you get nothing else out of this column.

Assuming this "cardinal rule of engagement," let's look at some God-honoring, useful ways to spend this unique time.

What Do We Do Now?

In terms of how to spend your time and what to talk about, the main concerns should be to prepare for marriage, to avoid temptation and to keep in mind that you are not married yet. That simply means keeping basically the same constraints on the settings in which you spent time together before you were engaged. In other words, while you will spend more time together, it still should not be alone in one of your apartments. Refer to "Biblical Dating: Growing in Intimacy" for more details on this.

Here are some other things to think about.

First, don't spend significant time talking about what your sex life will be like once you're married. As we've discussed before, do talk clearly about boundaries in your physical relationship, and do put clear methods in place to help you adhere to them, but don't spend time fantasizing about your future sexual relationship. This may seem like common sense, but trust me, it needs to be said.

If each of you feels that you should talk to someone that you trust (of the same sex) about fears or concerns you may have about your sexual relationship — especially the wedding night itself — then do that as your wedding approaches. You don't need to talk about it constantly as a couple, and you don't need to do an in depth study of Song of Solomon with your fiancé two months before your wedding. For more ideas on this, see "How can I prepare for our wedding night in a God-honoring way?" by Candice Watters.

This is important: Don't buy into the secular myth that you are somehow inferior or failing your new spouse if you don't show up as a sexual expert on the night of your wedding. In fact, the opposite is true. If you are already a sexual expert on the night of your wedding, then you have, somewhere along the way, blatantly strayed from God's design for sexuality in your life. Learning and growing together in this way is one of the many wonderful things about marriage.

Date: 2015-12-24; view: 568