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Sound of intercom buzzingBRIDGET What are you doing, Annie?
ANNIE Nothing!
BRIDGET What’s this? ‘Dream date, make my dream come true … ‘
ANNIE Oh, how did that get there?
BRIDGET How sweet!
Sound of fitness video playing in background
BRIDGET Hector! Hector.
HECTOR Oh hi, Bridget.
BRIDGET And up!! Oh well, keep going, Hector.
ANNIE Aah I see Hector found Cindy’s one hundred and one top exercises then.
BRIDGET Yes!
ANNIE Oh, good try Hector.
BRIDGET Cindy is so old fashioned, I can teach Hector how to exercise! Exercise with Cindy, no, exercise with Bridget, yes …
HECTOR But … !
BRIDGET It’s OK, I can do it! Music please, Annie. Follow me. Arms up, touch your toes, stand straight and – one-two-three –four-five-six-seven-eight! More energy please! One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight. One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight … OK, faster still! Left leg up! Left leg up! HECTOR and ANNIE Left leg up!
ANNIE Oh, my leg hurts!
BRIDGET Come on, keep it up! Come on, come on, faster …
ANNIE Oh, hi Nick, we’re exercising.
NICK I can see.
BRIDGET Oh, phew, OK. Let’s get a drink!
ANNIE Oh, I must check my emails.
BRIDGET Would you like some water, Hector?
HECTOR Oh no, no, after you.
BRIDGET No, you first.
HECTOR Oh, no, no, no, ladies first.
BRIDGET No, no, you first.
HECTOR No, you first.
HECTOR and BRIDGET No, …
NICK OH, give it to me!
ANNIE Oh, goody! Three messages. Oh dear.
NICK What’s wrong?
BRIDGET Annie’s been on the Internet – again!
HECTOR The Internet?
BRIDGET To find a boyfriend!
NICK Oh, let’s see!
ANNIE Oh no, don’t look.
NICK Oh come on Annie!
ANNIE Oh, all right then.
NICK ‘Annie baby! Rocky the tennis star here! I am the racquet – Will you be my ball?’ Ugh!
ANNIE OK, number two.
NICK Mmm. Erm – ‘Dear Annie! I love animals too.’ Mmm. ‘They are so beautiful in their glass boxes. Come and see them. Tony Green (Taxidermist).’
ANNIE A taxidermist! Oh, how horrible!
NICK Oh Charlie, here boy! [Whistles]
Dog barks
ANNIE It’s OK, Charlie.
HECTOR Annie, what is a taxidermist?
ANNIE Erm, well it’s, it’s a, ah, oh never mind.
NICK Third time lucky.
ANNIE Hope so.
NICK Hmm. ‘Annie, can you cook like my mother? Do you like trains? Can you meet me today? Giles Smith aged twenty four. P.S. Mummy says I must be home before 5 p.m.’ Oh dear!
ANNIE Oh, I’ll never get a boyfriend! Bridget always has a boyfriend.
NICK Has she?
HECTOR Ah-yum-ah-ah …
NICK Annie, look, it’s not what you write, it’s, it’s how you write it. [Uh?]. I bet I could get a girlfriend on the Internet, no problem.
ANNIE Well yes Nick you could!
BRIDGET I bet you could not!
NICK I could!
BRIDGET OK, what would you write?
NICK I’m six foot tall.
BRIDGET Five foot eleven.
NICK I have blonde hair.
BRIDGET Mousey brown.
NICK I love animals.
BRIDGET Ha!
NICK And fast cars, and beautiful women.
ANNIE I would write to you!
NICK Would you?
ANNIE Oh, come on Annie! Let’s go to the gym.
ANNIE Oh Bridget no, not more exercise!
BRIDGET See you later boys. Oh and erm, Hector, would you do my washing for me?
HECTOR Washing? OK. No problem.
ANNIE Oh and Nick [uh] will you spray my plant for me please? The spray is in the bathroom.
NICK No problem.
HECTOR Nick [ah-ah]. What is a taxidermist?
NICK Oh –well, well it’s, never mind.
BRIDGET ‘Chrissy! [sending email] Today Hector found Cindy’s exercise video, but I decided to help him with his exercises instead!’
BRIDGET Two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight! More energy please! ‘He really enjoyed it!’
ANNIE My leg hurts!
BRIDGET Come on, keep up!
ANNIE ‘Nadia. [sending email] I looked for a boyfriend on the Internet today and had three strange replies. One from a tennis player, too arrogant.’
NICK Ugh!
ANNIE [sending email] ‘One from a taxidermist, too horrible!’
NICK Oh Charlie! Here boy! [Whistles/dog barks]
ANNIE [sending email] ‘And one from a train spotter, too weird!’
NICK Oh dear!
ANNIE Oh, I’ll never get a boyfriend. But Bridget always has a boyfriend.
NICK [sending email] Dan! It’s so easy to find a girlfriend on the Internet.’ I bet I could get a girlfriend on the Internet, no problem.
NICK Finding new girlfriends on the Internet is so easy. OK, Hector! Question one. How do guys get girlfriends?
HECTOR Girlfriends?
NICK Yeah! [Laugh/wolf whistle] Girlfriends.
HECTOR Oh, oh no girlfriends, me. Never.
NICK What? Never? No girl … no girlfriends? Wow! Man!
HECTOR You, Nick, you have had girlfriends?
NICK Yeah, loads!
HECTOR Ten?
NICK Ten?!! Hah! Hundreds!
HECTOR Wow!
NICK So I know what girls like. They like fast cars, they like money, they like dancing.
HECTOR Oh, I love dancing! Like this!
NICK No, dancing like this! Hey? Yeah, Hector, leave it to me. Leave it to me, my friend, I have a plan! [Laughs] Oh, Hector, Annie’s plant. Her garden spray is in the bathroom.
HECTOR Oh.
NICK Ho-ho!
HECTOR Garden – gar-den … Spray, garden spray. Garden Romance, garden … good! [Spraying noise]
NICK Hmm! Perfect!
HECTOR Perfect!
HECTOR Cold, hot, very hot. Erm, Nick.
NICK Uh-huh?
HECTOR Bridget’s cold or hot?
NICK Hah, very hot!
HECTOR Ah. Perfect!
NICK Perfect, ha! Hector, we’ll get lots of girlfriends now! [Aha!] From now on it’ll be girls, girls, girls, girls!
HECTOR Ha-ha! [Yo!] Hey! [Whoo!]
NICK Oh you really must change your after shave! [Sneezes] Oh, excuse me, come on, let’s go out and celebrate.
BRIDGET and ANNIE [Sniffing]
BRIDGET What’s that smell?
ANNIE It smells like a perfumery. Oh, my plant!
BRIDGET Oh, empty!
ANNIE Oh, my poor plant! I don’t believe it!
BRIDGET My perfume, I don’t believe it!
BRIDGET and ANNIE Nick!
BRIDGET Oh good, the washing’s done. [Snarls]
ANNIE What’s the problem?
BRIDGET This is the problem!
BRIDGET and ANNIE Hector!
ANNIE Wow!
BRIDGET What is it now?
ANNIE We have six hundred and thirty three messages!
BRIDGET Let’s see.
ANNIE [reading email message] OK, one moment. ‘Hector, Nick. Yes we are gorgeous, yes we like dancing and yes we like millionaires. Fifi and Sarah.’ Chloe, Sadie, Louise, Gerri - I mean these messages are all for Hector and Nick – and they’re all from girls!
BRIDGET I smell a rat!
ANNIE Hmm! And I think I know who is responsible! Oh, Bridget! Look at this! [reading email message] ‘Are you a gorgeous babe? Do you have a gorgeous friend? Do you like fast cars and dancing all night? Do you like millionaires? Then you will love us. We are Hector and Nick, the Romero brothers.’
BRIDGET What?
ANNIE [reading email message] ‘See attached photo.’
BRIDGET Ha, cheats, they glued their photo on this car!
ANNIE Ha, what a joke! What, that’s how they received six hundred and thirty three messages from girls.
BRIDGET But they don’t know they received six hundred and thirty three messages, do they!
ANNIE No, they don’t - now.
BRIDGET Let’s go to the cyber café. I have a plan. Laughter
NICK The poor computer. How many messages? One hundred!
HECTOR Two hundred!
Laughter
NICK Oh.
HECTOR How many?
NICK Erm, one.
HECTOR Good. One hundred!
NICK Erm, no, no, no, just one message.
HECTOR Uh?
NICK [Erm] ‘Hector and Nick, we are dancers in a West End musical!’
HECTOR Dancers, you mean … dancers?!
NICK Yes, sort of. ‘When we finish the show, shall we meet at your apartment, at 10 p.m. Is that OK? Cuddles and Bubbles, Kiss, kiss, kiss. P.S. what is your address?’ Wow!! They sound gorgeous!
HECTOR Uh?
NICK Ah, ah-hah! Cuddles and Bubbles [wolf whistle] are coming here tonight when they finish the show – at – 10 o'clock! Look, 7 o'clock, 8, 9, 10 o'clock! Wait a minute! It’s 7 o'clock! That’s just three hours! What am I going to wear? What are you going to wear?
HECTOR But Nick, what about Bridget and Annie?
NICK Aha! It’s not a problem!
HECTOR [Laughs] Ah-ha-ha! Yes!
ANNIE [sending email] ‘Nadia, it’s terrible news. Hector killed my plant with perfume!’ ANNIE Oh, my plant! My poor plant!
BRIDGET [Snarls]
ANNIE What’s the problem?
ANNIE [sending email] ‘And he did the washing! A very hot wash.’
BRIDGET This is the problem!
ANNIE Mm, Bridget was not pleased.
BRIDGET and ANNIE Hector!
NICK ‘Hey Dan! Guess what! Hector and I have a date tonight with two dancers! Cuddles and Bubbles [wolf whistle] are coming here tonight. Wish us luck.’
HECTOR So, Nick, what should I say?
NICK It’s easy, relax.
HECTOR Yeah, but you have had a hundred girlfriends.
NICK Yeah, well, when I said a hundred, it’s actually fewer.
HECTOR … Fifty?
NICK No.
HECTOR Forty?
NICK No.
HECTOR Thirty?
NICK No.
HECTOR Twenty?
NICK [Gulps] No.
HECTOR Ten?
NICK No.
HECTOR Five?
NICK No.
HECTOR Four?
NICK No.
HECTOR Three?
NICK No.
HECTOR Two?
NICK No.
HECTOR One?
NICK …
HECTOR None?!!
NICK [Makes squeaking noise]
Sound of intercom buzzing
NICK and HECTOR Aaaah!
NICK OK. It’s OK. Hi. [speaking on intercom] Hi!
Voice on Intercom Hello, it’s us.
NICK Come on up.
NICK and HECTOR Ooh/oh/ah!!
HECTOR So Nick, what do I say?
NICK OK, we need a script. Try this. Your eyes are blue, like the ocean.
HECTOR Your ears are blue, like the ocean.
NICK No!! Eyes, ears, ears, ears, eyes.
HECTOR Oh, oh, oh, OK, OK. Your ey-es are blue, like the ocean.
NICK Good! You smell of sweet …
HECTOR You smell of sweat …
NICK No! No [sniffing noise] sweet, not sweat!
HECTOR Oh, OK, OK.
NICK OK, your hair is so soft.
HECTOR Thank you, Nick.
NICK No, No, her hair, her hair!
HECTOR Oh, her hair!
Date: 2015-12-24; view: 318
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