Four Weddings And A Funeral 12 page

'My mum's started crying again,' he said to Will. It was a Thursday afternoon and they were in Will's kitchen, making toast.

'Oh,' said Will. 'Are you worried about it?'

'Of course. She's the same now as she was before. Worse.' That wasn't true. Nothing could be worse than the last time, but he wanted to make sure Will knew it was serious.

'So what are you going to do?'

Marcus had thought that Will would help him. That's what he wanted. Wasn't that what friends were for?

'What am I going to do? What are you going to do?'

'What am I going to do?' Will laughed, and then remembered that the situation wasn't funny. 'Marcus, I can't do anything.'

'You could talk to her.'

'Why should she listen to me? Who am I? Nobody.'

'You're not nobody. You're...'

'You come round here for a cup of tea after school, but that doesn't mean I can make your mum feel better. I know I can't.'

'I thought we were friends.'

'Yes, Marcus, we're friends. But I'm not your dad, I'm not your uncle, and I'm not your big brother. I can tell you who Kurt Cobain is and what trainers to get, and that's all. Do you understand?'

'Yes.'

But on the way home, Marcus thought about the way Will had said, 'Do you understand?' to end the conversation. He knew teachers said that, and parents said that, but he didn't think friends said that.

He wasn't really surprised about Will. He thought of Ellie as his best friend more than Will - not just because he loved her and wanted to go out with her, but because she was always nice to him. Ellie had told him that she knew about his mum trying to kill herself. Ellie's mum was a friend of Suzie's, and Suzie had told her.

But the next day, when Marcus went to find Ellie in her classroom at breaktime, she didn't seem very pleased to see him.

Zoe was sitting next to her, holding her hand.

'What's happened?' he asked.

'Haven't you heard?'

Marcus hated it when people said that to him because he never had. 'I don't think so.'

'Kurt Cobain.'

'What about him?'

'He tried to kill himself. He took a lot of pills.'

'Is he all right?'

'I think so. They pumped his stomach.'

'Good.'

'Nothing's good,' said Ellie. 'He'll do it, you know, in the end. They always do. He wants to die. It wasn't a cry for help. He hates this world.'

Marcus suddenly felt sick. He'd imagined having a conversation with Ellie about his mum, and Ellie making him feel better, but it wasn't like that at all.

'How do you know?'

'You don't know him,' said Ellie.

'You don't know him,' Marcus shouted. 'He's not even a real person. He's just a singer. He's just someone on a sweatshirt. It's not like he's anyone's mum.'

'No, but he's someone's dad,' said Ellie. 'He's got a beautiful little girl and he still wants to die.'

Marcus was very upset. He turned round and ran out. Did his mum feel the same way as Kurt Cobain? He went to the boys' toilets and shut himself inside the end toilet because it had hot water pipes running along the wall and you could sit on them. After a few minutes someone came in and started kicking on the door.

'Are you in there, Marcus?' said Ellie. 'I'm sorry. I'd forgotten about your mum. It's OK. She's not like Kurt. She's not going to try to kill herself again.'

He paused for a moment, then unlocked the door and looked out. 'How do you know?'

'Because you're right about him. He's not a real person.'

'You're only saying that to make me feel better.'

'OK, he's a real person. But he's a different kind ofreal person. He's like James Dean and Marilyn Monroe and Jimi Hendrix and all those people. He's not like your mum. You think I know things, but I don't. I don't know why Kurt Cobain feels like he does, or why your mum feels like she does. And I don't know what it feels like to be you. Quite frightening, I should think.'

'Yes.' Marcus started to cry then. It wasn't noisy crying - his eyes just filled with tears and they ran down his face - but it was still embarrassing. He'd never thought he'd cry in front of Ellie.

She came in and put her arm round him. 'Don't listen to me. You know more than I do. You should be telling me things.'

They sat on the hot water pipes together in silence, moving when they got too hot, and waited until they felt like going back into the world.

***

Will knew that he should do something about Fiona and that he'd behaved badly towards Marcus. He was older than Marcus, he knew more... He should get involved, help the kid, look after him.

But he didn't want to have a conversation with Fiona about her depression. She would ask him what the meaning of life was - ask him why she should go on living. And Will couldn't tell her what the meaning was, because he didn't know. But Fiona was lost and unhappy, and if he told her that life had no meaning, she might actually kill herself.

He decided to talk to Rachel about Fiona. They were in Rachel's kitchen, making coffee.

'A few years ago I got very depressed,' said Rachel, 'and I thought about killing myself, like Fiona. But I always thought I would do it tomorrow, never today. There were always a lot of reasons to continue living; there were too many things that I'd started but hadn't finished, and I wanted to see what happened.'

'Fiona must have things like that too.'

'I don't know,' said Rachel. 'Perhaps she doesn't. Why don't I talk to her?'

'You? She doesn't know you.'

'It doesn't matter. And maybe you could learn to help her too, if I showed you how. It's not so bad.'

'OK,' said Will, but he didn't want to think about Fiona just at that moment. He couldn't remember ever feeling as happy as he did with Rachel.

CHAPTER TEN

A Trip to Cambridge

It was spring and the days were getting longer. Now Marcus was able to walk home from Will's flat in the late afternoon sunshine. He began to feel better about things. Then his dad fell down some steps and broke his arm.

'You'll have to go up to Cambridge and see him,' said his mum. 'I'm not going while you're like this.' 'Like what?'

'Crying all the time.'

'I'm OK. Well, I'm not OK, but I'm not going to do anything silly. I promise.'

'But why do I have to go and see him?'

'He was asking for you. He's lucky he didn't hurt himself really badly. Maybe he's having a big think about his life.'

That made Marcus angry. He went and sat in his room. Why had his dad never had a big think about his life before? And why did he only want to see his son when he'd broken his arm? What about all the hundreds of days when his arm was all right, and Marcus had heard nothing from him?

He went downstairs again. 'I'm not going,' he told his mum. 'He makes me sick.'

But the next day, when he told Ellie about his dad, he began to change his mind.

'You should go and see him,' said Ellie. 'Tell him what you think of him. I'll come with you, if you like.'

Marcus thought how nice it would be to have a whole hour with Ellie on the train to Cambridge.

'Will you come with me really, Ellie?'

'Yes, of course. If you want me to. It would be fun. I'll know what to say to him.'

Marcus didn't stop to think about what Ellie was going to say to his father. He'd worry about that later.

'So shall we go next week, then?' It was nearly Easter, and they were on holiday from school next week, so they could stay in Cambridge for the night if they wanted to.

'Yes. Cool. We'll have a great time.'

Marcus and Ellie arranged to meet at King's Cross station in north London, where they would catch the train to Cambridge. Fiona wanted to come to the station with him, but he didn't want her to see Ellie.

'It would be too sad,' he told her. 'I don't want to say goodbye to you there.'

So Fiona and Marcus walked from their flat to Holloway Road underground station and said goodbye in the entrance. Fiona gave Marcus an enormous hug, while everyone around them watched.

The underground train wasn't crowded. It was the middle of the afternoon and there was only one other person in the same part of the train, an old guy reading a newspaper. He was looking at the back page, so Marcus could see the front.

The photo seemed so familiar that for a moment he thought it was a picture of someone he knew, like a member of the family. But none of his relatives had long blond hair and half a beard.

He knew who it was now. He saw the same picture every day of the week on Ellie's sweatshirt. He felt hot all over; he didn't even need to read the old guy's paper, but he did.

ROCK STAR COBAIN DEAD, it said in big letters, and then underneath, in smaller writing, Nirvana singer, 27, shoots himself. Marcus thought and felt a lot of things at the same time. He wondered whether Ellie had seen the paper yet, and how she would be when she found out. He wondered if his mum was OK, although he knew there was no connection between his mum and Kurt Cobain because his mum was a real person and Kurt Cobain wasn't.

Then he felt confused because the newspaper had turned Kurt Cobain into a real person. And then he felt very sad - sad for Ellie, sad for Kurt Cobain's wife and little girl, sad for his mum, sad for himself. And then he was at King's Cross and he had to get off the train. He met Ellie under the information board. She seemed normal.

Everyone was carrying a newspaper, so Kurt Cobain was everywhere. There was a whole army of Kurt Cobains marching towards them. Marcus didn't know what to do. He didn't want Ellie to learn that Kurt Cobain was dead. Then he had an idea. 'Ellie,' he said suddenly. 'Do you trust me? Yes or no?'

'What are you talking about? Of course I trust you.' 'OK, then. Close your eyes and hang on to my jacket.' 'What? Why?'

'I watched a programme on TV with my mum once. It was all about learning to trust someone. They made some people close their eyes and then other people led them around and made sure that they didn't hurt themselves.'

'Marcus, have you gone mad?'

'I'm going to guide you to the train through all these people, and then you'll trust me for ever.'

'Oh, all right.'

Ellie closed her eyes and Marcus led her to the part of the station where the Cambridge train was waiting. She didn't see all the people with newspapers coming towards them. Marcus was almost enjoying it, because he liked the feeling of looking after Ellie.

'Are we nearly there?'

'Yes. The train's there waiting for us.'

'I know why you're doing this, Marcus,' she said suddenly in a small, quiet voice. He stopped, but she continued to hold him. 'You think I haven't seen the paper, but I have.'

He turned round, but she didn't open her eyes.

'Are you OK?'

'Yes. Well, not really.' She felt around in her bag and got out a bottle of vodka. 'I'm going to get drunk.'

Will had arranged to go to a pub in Islington with Rachel and Fiona while Marcus was in Cambridge visiting his father. They would all have a drink and a talk, then Will would leave and Rachel and Fiona would have another drink and a talk. Fiona would feel better about things, and not want to kill herself. What could possibly go wrong?

Will arrived at the pub first, got himself a drink, sat down and lit a cigarette, and Fiona arrived soon afterwards. But Rachel didn't come. Half an hour passed and she still hadn't arrived. Will went to phone her, but he only got through to her answer machine. Then he realized the truth. She had never intended to come because she wanted Will to talk to Fiona by himself. She had said he could learn to help Fiona if she showed him how, and this was what she meant.

Will didn't know what to do. He went back to his seat and he and Fiona sat in silence for some time. Then Fiona started to cry. At first Will tried not to take any notice of her, but he couldn't. He knew he would have to try and help.

'What's the matter?' he asked.

'Nothing.'

'That's not true, is it?'

'Yes, it is. Nothing's the matter - no thing. I'm just like this. I think I probably need to talk to somebody.'

'Do you want to go and get something to eat?' said Will.

They went to a pizza restaurant on Upper Street.

'I'm sorry for being like this,' said Fiona. 'And for being like this with you.'

Will started to make a joke, but then he thought he would try to say something serious and useful.

'I'm the one who should apologize,' he said. 'I want to help, but I know I won't be able to. I haven't got the answers to anything.'

'I don't need answers,' said Fiona. 'I know there's nothing you can do. I'm depressed. It's an illness. It just started. Well, that's not true... there were some things that happened...'

Suddenly Fiona started talking about her problems. It was much easier than Will had thought; he just had to listen, and ask the right questions. He'd done it before, lots of times, with Angie and Suzie and Rachel, but that was for a reason. This was different. He didn't want to sleep with Fiona, but he did want to make her feel better.

He learnt a lot of things about her. He learnt that she hadn't really wanted to be a mother and that sometimes she hated Marcus; he learnt that she was worried about not having a relationship and that her last birthday had depressed her because she hadn't been anywhere or done anything. There was no one terrible cause of Fiona's unhappiness, or an awful dark secret in her life.

They got a taxi back to Fiona's place. The taxi driver was listening to the radio and Will suddenly realized that it was a discussion about Kurt Cobain.

'What's happened to him?' Will asked.

'He shot himself in the head. He's dead.'

Will wasn't surprised, and he was too old to be shocked. It wasn't unusual for pop stars to kill themselves. But then he thought about Marcus and Ellie, and that worried him. What would they think?

'Isn't he the singer Marcus liked?' Fiona asked him.

'Yes.' Suddenly Will was afraid. He didn't know why, but he had a strange feeling that Marcus might be in trouble.

'Can I come in with you?' he asked Fiona when they arrived at her house. 'Perhaps Marcus has left a message on your answer machine. I just want to hear that he's OK.'

There was 2 message from Marcus, but he didn't sound OK. He was calling from a police station in a town called Royston and he sounded frightened and lonely.

***

Ellie had started drinking vodka on the train, and Marcus was feeling very tired. Whenever people stared at her, she started shouting at them and saying that she would stop the train.

Marcus was beginning to realize that he didn't actually want Ellie to be his girlfriend. She was funny and pretty and clever, but she just wasn't the right kind of person for him. He needed to be with someone quieter, someone who liked reading and computer games. Elbe's behaviour was frightening and embarrassing.

'Why does Kurt Cobain's death matter so much?' he asked her quietly.

'I loved him.'

'You didn't know him.'

'Of course I knew him. I listen to him every day. I wear him on my sweatshirt every day. He understood me. He knew what I felt, and he sang about it.'

Marcus tried to remember the words of some of the songs on the Nirvana CD that Will had given him for Christmas, but they didn't mean anything to him.

'So how were you feeling?'

'Angry.'

'What about?'

'Nothing. Just... life. Life's awful.'

Marcus thought about that. He realized that Ellie spent her whole time wanting life to be awful, and making things difficult for herself. School was awful for her because she wore her sweatshirt every day, which wasn't allowed, and because she shouted at teachers and got into fights. But why didn't she stop doing those things? Her life wouldn't be so awful then.

'Do you feel like shooting yourself?' Marcus asked.

'Of course. Sometimes, anyway.'

Marcus looked at her. 'That's not true, Ellie.'

'How do you know?'

'Because I know how my mum feels. And you don't feel like that. You have a nice life.'

'I have an awful life.'

'No. I have an awful life. And my mum has an awful life. But you... I don't think so. I'll tell you, you don't feel anything like my mum, or Kurt Cobain. You shouldn't say that you feel like killing yourself when you don't. It's not right.'

They sat in silence. Marcus was looking out of the window of the train, wondering what he was going to say to his dad about Ellie. He didn't notice that the train had pulled into Royston station. Suddenly Ellie stood up and jumped off the train. Marcus waited for a moment, then, with a horrible sick feeling, he jumped off after her.

'What are you doing?'

'I don't want to go to your dad's. I don't know him.'

She walked out of the station and Marcus followed her. They walked up a side road and on to the High Street, past a chemist and a supermarket. Then they came to a music shop with a big cardboard figure of Kurt Cobain in the window.

'Look at that,' said Ellie. 'That's really terrible. They're trying to make money out of his death.'

She took off one of her boots and threw it at the glass window of the shop as hard as she could. The glass broke first time. Ellie reached inside and took out the cardboard figure of Kurt Cobain. She sat down outside the shop, holding the figure and smiling a weird little smile.

'Oh, Ellie. What did you do that for?'

Once again, Marcus had the feeling that Ellie didn't have to do what she'd just done. She didn't have to make trouble for herself. He was tired of her behaviour. There was enough trouble in the world without inventing more.

The street had been quiet when Ellie broke the window, but the noise of breaking glass had woken Royston up. Some people ran down to see what was happening.

'Right, you two. Stay there,' said a guy with long hair who looked like a hairdresser.

'We're not going anywhere, are we, Marcus?' said Ellie sweetly.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Growing Up

A police car took Marcus and Ellie to the police station. The policemen were nice really. Ellie had explained that she wasn't a troublemaker or on drugs; she was angry because the owner of the music shop was making money out of Kurt Cobain's death. The policemen thought this was funny and laughed, which made Ellie even more angry.

When they got to the police station, they were taken into a little room and a policewoman came in and started talking to them. She asked them their ages and addresses, and what they were doing in Royston. Marcus tried to explain about his dad and the big think and Kurt Cobain and the vodka. But the policewoman couldn't understand the connection between his dad's accident and Ellie and the shop window.

'He didn't do anything,' Ellie suddenly said. 'I got off the train and he followed. I broke the window. Let him go.'

'Let him go where?' asked the policewoman. 'We've got to phone one of his parents. We've got to phone yours too.'

The police telephoned Marcus's dad and Ellie's mum. Then Marcus rang Fiona, but she wasn't in so he left a message on her answer machine.

They sat and waited in silence until Marcus's dad and Lindsey arrived. Neither of them was in a very good mood. Lindsey had had to drive, because of Clive's broken arm, and she hated driving. His dad was in pain. He didn't look like a man who had had a big think or wanted to see his only son.

The policewoman left them alone and Clive sat down on a seat that ran along one side of the room. Lindsey sat down next to him. Marcus looked at his dad unhappily.

'He didn't do anything,' said Ellie impatiently. 'He was trying to help me.'

'And who exactly are you?'

'Who exactly? I'm Eleanor Toyah McCrae, aged fifteen years seven months. I live at 23...'

'What are you doing with Marcus?'

'He's my friend.' This was news to Marcus. He hadn't felt that

Ellie was his friend since they got on the train. 'He asked me to come with him to Cambridge because he wasn't looking forward to talking to you.'

Marcus put his head in his hands. He was suddenly very, very tired. He didn't want to be with any of these people.

'I suppose you think all this is my fault,' said Clive. 'If I had stayed with your mother, you wouldn't be in trouble.'

'What are you talking about?' said Marcus. 'What's happened? I just got off a train.' He wasn't tired now, but he was beginning to feel angry. 'What's wrong with getting off a train? Ellie's crazy. She broke a window with her boot because it had a picture of a pop star in it. But I haven't done anything. And I don't care if you left home or not. It doesn't make any difference to me. I just wanted to try and look after my friend.'

Ellie laughed. 'Cool speech, Marcus! Can we go now?'

'We have to wait for your mother,' Clive told her. 'She's coming with Fiona. Will's driving them up from London.'

'Oh, no,' said Marcus.

The four of them sat there staring at each other, like characters in a play without an ending.

***

After the police had called Ellie's mum, she had called Fiona. Then Fiona spoke to Clive, then she called Ellie's mum and offered her a lift up to Royston with her and Will. Ellie's mum was an attractive woman in her early forties. She didn't seem surprised or upset about her daughter's problems.

When Will, Fiona and Ellie's mum arrived at the police station in Royston, Clive and Lindsey were staring angrily at Marcus, Marcus was staring angrily at the wall, and Ellie was staring angrily at everyone.

'Can we go now?' Will asked the policewoman.

'Not yet. We're waiting for the shop owner to come. It's something we're trying here. Criminals meet the victims of their crimes, so they understand the effects of their actions.'

'Good,' said Ellie. 'I want to see what this person's like.'

A nervous-looking young woman in her twenties was shown into the room. She was wearing a Kurt Cobain sweatshirt and lots of black eye make-up and she looked like Ellie's older sister.

'This is Ruth, who owns the shop. This is the young lady who broke your window,' said the policewoman.

Ellie looked at Ruth, very surprised. 'Did they tell you to look like me?' she said.

'Do I look like you?' Ruth asked.

Everyone in the room laughed, including the police officers.

'You put that picture in the window to make money,' said Ellie, but she didn't sound as confident as before.

'Which picture? The picture of Kurt? That's always been there. I think he's great. Is that why you broke the window? Because you thought I was trying to make money out of Kurt's death?'

'Yes.'

'Today has been the saddest day of my life. And then a stupid little girl breaks my window because she thinks I'm trying to get money out of people. Just... grow up.'

Ellie was very embarrassed and didn't know what to say. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered.

'All right,' said Ruth. 'Come here.' She opened her arms, and Ellie stood up, walked over to her and hugged her.

Suddenly Fiona, who had been very quiet, got up too, walked around the table, and put her arms round Marcus.

'I haven't been a good mother to him,' she said to the policewoman who had been looking after them. 'I haven't been noticing things. I know I don't deserve another chance, but I'm asking for one... If you give us another chance, you won't be sorry.'

'We don't need another chance, Mum,' said Marcus. 'I haven't done anything wrong. I only got off a train.'

But Fiona took no notice of Marcus. She was mad, thought Will, and she was saying crazy things, and nothing could stop her. But he knew she had suddenly realized that she had to do something for her son. And if she was thinking that, then she wasn't going to try and kill herself again.

'Please let Marcus go,' Fiona said, and put her face in Marcus's neck.

But Marcus shook her off and moved away from her and towards Will. 'You're mad, Mum. I can't believe how mad both my parents are,' he said with real feeling.

Will looked at this strange little group and tried to make some sense of it. He couldn't understand these people. He hadn't known some of them before today; he had known some of them for only a short time, and he couldn't say that he knew them well. But here they were anyway, one of them holding a cardboard figure of Kurt Cobain, one of them crying, one with a broken arm, all connected to each other in different ways. Will couldn't remember being involved in this kind of situation before. He was looking at real life and seeing what it was like to be human. It wasn't too bad, really.

***

Marcus went to stay with his dad and Lindsey in Cambridge that night. In the car Clive complained a lot about Ellie and what had happened. Why did Marcus want to be involved with someone like that? Why hadn't he tried to stop her? Marcus didn't say anything, and finally his father was quiet. Later, when Lindsey had gone to bed, he and Marcus talked.

'I've had a big think, you know, since my accident,' said Clive. 'I know I haven't been a very good father. And... you need a father, don't you? I can see that now.'

'Why do you think I need a father now? I'm doing OK without one.'

'It doesn't look like it.'

'What, because Ellie broke a window? No, really, I am doing OK. Maybe I'm doing better. It's hard with Mum, but this year at school... I can't explain it, but I feel safer than before, because I know more people. I was really frightened because I didn't think two people were enough, but now there aren't only two. There are lots.'

'You mean Ellie and Will and people like that?'

'Yes.'

'It was wrong of me to leave you,' said his dad. 'That's what my big think was about.'

'It doesn't matter, Dad. I know where you are if things get bad. I'm OK. Really. I can find people. I'll be all right.'

And he would be all right, he knew it. He didn't know whether Ellie would be, because she didn't think about things very hard. And he didn't know if his mum would be, because she wasn't very strong a lot of the time. But he was sure he could cope in ways that they couldn't. He could cope at school because he knew what to do, and he had learnt who you could trust and who you couldn't.

They talked a bit longer, about Lindsey, and how she wanted a baby, and how his dad couldn't decide, and whether Marcus would mind if they had one; and Marcus said he liked babies. And then his dad gave him a hug and he went to bed. In the morning his dad and Lindsey took him to the station and gave him enough money for a taxi from King's Cross back to the flat.

***

Will knew that his feelings for Rachel had changed his life for ever. He wanted her so much that it frightened him. He was terribly afraid of losing her; perhaps she would get bored with him, or meet someone else. He wasn't Will the cool guy who didn't want to get involved with other people now. He was deeply involved with Rachel, and he couldn't go back. He wanted to be an important part of her life, and to make her think of him as a responsible person. So he started taking Ali and Marcus out on Saturdays, sometimes to football games but usually to the cinema and McDonald's.

In some ways Marcus seemed older than Ali now. He dressed better - he had won the argument with his mother about whether he could go shopping with Will - and he had his hair cut regularly. He was still good friends with Ellie and Zoe, but he was more careful about what he said to them, and they didn't laugh at him as much.

It was strange; Will missed him. Marcus was the only person in the world who might be able to give him advice, but Marcus - the old Marcus - was disappearing.

'Are you going to marry my mum?' Ali asked one day, when they were eating chips at McDonald's.

'I used to want him to marry my mum,' said Marcus. 'I thought it would solve all our problems. Your mum's different, though. She's not as confused as my mum.'

'Do you still want him to marry your mum?'

Will stared at them both in disbelief.

'No,' said Marcus. 'I don't think it would help. You're safer as a kid if everyone's friends. Think about it. Your mum and my mum are friends.' It was true. Rachel and Fiona saw each other regularly now. 'And Will sees my mum, and I see you, and Ellie and Zoe, and Lindsey and my dad. There are lots of people now.'

One afternoon, when Will took Marcus back to his flat, Marcus disappeared into his bedroom with a quick 'thanks'.

'He seems so much older,' Fiona said.

'Yes,' said Will. 'Are you worried about that?'

'Why do you ask? Of course I am.'

'But... you've seemed better recently.'

'I think I am. I don't know why, but I think I'm more in control of everything.'

Will thought he knew one of the reasons, but he didn't want to hurt Fiona's feelings. The truth was that the new Marcus wasn't so difficult to look after. He had friends and he could look after himself. He was just like every other twelve-year-old boy.

Date: 2015-12-18; view: 708