Four Weddings And A Funeral 8 page

'God, no!' says Henrietta. 'I don't want to marry your friends too, specially Fiona.'

'Fiona loves you,' says Charles.

'Fiona calls me Duck-Face,' says Henrietta.

'I've never heard that!' says Charles.

Henrietta knows that he's lying. 'Come to lunch sometime,' she says. 'Give me a ring.' She gives him a gentle kiss on the cheek.

As she walks away, Fiona comes up to Charles. 'How's Duck- Face?' she asks.

'She's fine, actually,' says Charles. 'Not too mad at the moment.'

'Ladies and gentleman,' says the best man. 'The bride and groom!'

Hamish and Carrie dance together in the middle of the room. It's a formal Scottish dance and everybody claps them. Charles and Fiona watch the happy couple with the other guests. Fiona puts her hand on Charles's shoulder and looks at him. She can see that he looks sad.

'You like this girl, don't you Charles?' asks Fiona.

'Yes - it's a strange thing, this love business, when at last it happens... and now she's marrying another man,' answers Charles. 'But what about you, Fifi? Have you met your future husband here?'

'No - and I won't - it's not like that. I've been in love with the same man for years.'

'Have you?' Charles asks in surprise. 'Who's that?'

'You, Charlie,' says Fiona, very lightly. Charles stops smiling. He looks shocked. Fiona walks away and goes into a quieter room. Charles follows her.

'It was always you, ever since we first met,' says Fiona. 'I knew that from the first moment I saw you. "Across a crowded room" - you know what they say! But it doesn't matter. We can't do anything about it. That's life. And we're friends - "friends" isn't bad, you know. It's quite good, really.'

Charles is upset, and he feels her pain. A few months ago, he didn't know love, but now he knows how it feels. He is deeply sorry for her, and takes her hand.

'Oh, Fi! It's not easy, is it?'

'No. But forget it - it can't happen between us, Charlie.'

Just then, Matthew comes in. Fiona pretends that nothing has happened.

'Matthew dear!' she says brightly. 'Where's Gareth?'

'He's being rude to Americans,' Matthew answers.

'How thoughtful of him!'

Gareth is dancing with an American woman. She looks surprised as he turns her round fast and jumps about quite violently. Tom is dancing too, and looking hopefully at every girl in the room. He clearly hasn't found his future wife yet!

When it's time for the speeches, Gareth comes back over to his friends, very hot.

'Ladies and gentlemen, fill your glasses, please,' says the best man. 'Unusually, the bride will make the first speech.'

'Excellent,' says Gareth. 'I love this girl!'

He looks at Charles - he knows about Charles's feelings for Carrie now.

'Thank you,' says Carrie, as everybody claps her. 'And thank you to those people who've flown in from the United States. Congratulations to the rest of you! You came here, even though you knew that all these terrible Americans were coming too!'

People laugh, and Charles looks at Carrie with love.

'My dear Dad should be the one to give this speech. But, sadly, he's not alive today. If he was here, I know what he would say: "Lovely dress, girl! But why the hell are you marrying a man in a skirt?'"

They laugh again, though Hamish is not very pleased with this joke bout Scottish clothes.

'My answer is,' Carrie continues, '"Because I love him." As John Lennon said, "Love is the answer. " And we all know that.'

The guests clap loudly. Charles can't believe that he has been so stupid. Why did he let her go? If he hadn't been so slow he would have been the groom here today.

'Oh, one more thing!' says Carrie. 'Someone here said that if things didn't go well with Hamish, he would be ready to take his place. Well, thank you, and I'll let you know!'

It is a very cheeky thing to say, but Hamish laughs loudly. He begins to make his speech now, very confidently. Hamish is not self-conscious. He has had years of practice in public speaking. Suddenly there is a loud noise, a kind of crash, at the back.

'Oh dear - someone doesn't agree with me!' he jokes. 'No problem! I'm used to that!'

But the crash was Gareth, falling unconscious to the floor. Charles, David and Tom get to him quickly.

'Find a doctor,' says Charles, urgently. While Hamish is still speaking, a doctor is found among the wedding guests. He gives Gareth a quick examination. Then they carry him into a quieter room, and put him down gently on the ground. Charles is on his knees, holding Gareth's head. But it's too late. Gareth is dead. Then he decides that he must find Matthew quickly among the crowd of guests.

Charles sees Matthew and walks towards him. Just before he reaches him, he stops - it's a hard moment. Then he moves forward, takes Matthew's arm and whispers to him. As he tells him about Gareth they can hear the guests behind them begin to sing.

Chapter five

A Funeral

It is the day of Gareth's funeral. It takes place in the town where Gareth's parents live, a small and dirty town, full of factories. Gareth didn't come from a rich family. It is raining and grey, and everyone looks very sad. It is a big contrast to the three wonderful weddings. Matthew and Gareth's family are driven to the church in a large black car. In front of them is the car with Gareth's coffin.

Charles arrives at the church and sits down next to Fiona, putting his arm around her. Carrie is there too, quiet and white-faced at the back. The atmosphere is very different from the atmosphere at the weddings. Everybody is wearing dark clothes and nobody is talking.

'Good morning,' the priest welcomes everybody 'Welcome to you all, on this cold day. Our service will begin in a few minutes, but first we've asked Gareth's closest friend, Matthew, to say a few words.'

Matthew steps forward and stands near the coffin. It has beautiful flowers on it.

'Gareth preferred funerals to weddings. "One day I shall probably have a funeral," he said, "but a wedding - never!"'

People smile and begin to feel a little bit more comfortable.

'I rang a few people and asked them about Gareth. What did they think about him? What comes into their minds when they hear his name? Well, a lot of people said, "Fat." And a lot more said "Terribly rude." So "very fat and very rude" was the way that strangers described Gareth. But then some of you here rang me and said that you loved him. You remember visiting Gareth, and how kind he was to his guests. You remember what an adventurous cook he was. Fortunately, the secrets of some of his dishes, like duck with banana, are lost for ever! Gareth really loved life. I hope you will remember him specially for that.

'How do I remember him? I can't find the words - I'm sorry. So I've taken the words of that wonderful writer, W. H. Auden. This is what I really want to say.' He reads from a book.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

After the service, people meet and talk outside. It was a very emotional funeral and everybody looks very sad. The car with Gareth's coffin is driven away.

Charles finds Carrie. 'It's good of you to come,' he says. 'But didn't it spoil your honeymoon?'

'Oh, it doesn't matter,' says Carrie. 'We'll do it another time. You know, that thing you said in the street...'

'Yes, I'm sorry about that,' Charles says quickly.

'No, don't be sorry. I liked it. I'm glad that you said it.' She kisses him gently on the cheek, then walks away. He watches her.

'Would you like a walk, Charlie?' asks Tom.

'Yes - good idea.'

'I've never felt like that,' says Tom. 'Not like Matthew. Not that kind of love. Well, I felt something for Jilly when I was young -'

'Jilly?' asks Charles, surprised.

'Our family dog,' Tom explains.

'Yes...' says Charles. 'It's strange, isn't it, we've all been friends for years, and we never noticed that Matthew and Gareth were really married, in their own way.'

They have reached the river, but it is not an attractive place - there are factories all along the banks. Everything looks cold and gloomy. Charles is holding an umbrella as it is still raining.

'It's hardest for his parents,' says Tom. 'I hope I die before my children.'

'You're very confident that you'll get married,' says Charles. 'But should we get married at all, if we can't find the right person? We saw today at the service that there can be a perfect marriage. And if we can't be like Gareth and Matthew, perhaps we should just forget the idea. Some of us won't get married at all.'

'I don't know, Charlie,' says Tom, thoughtfully. 'I don't hope for the perfect marriage. I'm not looking for thunder and lightning. I just want a nice, friendly girl who likes me too. Then we'll get married and be happy. It worked for my parents - well, it did for years, until they separated...'

'Then I give you six months at the most, Tom,' replies Charles. 'You won't have to wait any longer than that. It'll happen before then, you'll see. And maybe you're right. Maybe waiting for true love is quite useless.'

Chapter six

The Fourth Wedding

You are invited to the wedding of Charles and- on July 15th at St Julian's Church, Smithfield, London EC1

It's Charles's wedding day, but even now he's not awake! His male friends gave him a special party last night, and everybody drank too much! The alarm clock rings, Charles turns it off. He gets ready to go back to sleep again. But then another bell rings, and another!

'What the hell's happening?' he asks. He looks around the room. There are twenty or thirty alarm clocks in there with him!

Tom has been sleeping next to him. 'I decided that we mustn't be late!' he says brightly. 'I like your hair-style - excellent for a wedding!' Charles's hair is a total mess. He gets out of bed and goes into the kitchen, still in his underwear. Matthew is already there; he's going to be Charles's best man. Unlike Charles, he looks very smart.

'Matthew - great!' says Charles, sleepily. 'Listen - thanks for doing this today! I wish Gareth was here.' He knows what a hard time Matthew has had recently.

'He'd like to be here too,' says Matthew. 'Sorry we're so late. The others are just parking the car. We thought that we could all go in Tom's car because it's so big.'

'Late? Is it so late?' asks Charles.

'Yes-it's 9. 45.'

'Nine forty-five?' Charles can't believe it.

'Only forty-five minutes until you say, "I do.'"

'Oh God! I wanted the alarm to ring at eight o'clock! I told Tom! Oh, hell!'

Now Scarlett comes in, still in her nightdress. Her hair looks terrible too and she is yawning.

'Scarlett?' Matthew says. 'Are you ready?'

'Oh yes, yes -' she answers sleepily. 'Just give me twenty seconds!' And she makes herself a cup of coffee.

They drive as fast as they can to the church. Charles is still putting on his tie when he gets out of the car. 'What's the time?' he asks urgently. 'Honestly?' asks Matthew. 'You really want to know?'

'Yes - tell me, please!'

'Well,' says Matthew, 'it's about ten to nine. 'Charles keeps on running towards the church, then suddenly he realizes what Matthew said.

'You rats!' he shouts. His friends all start laughing; they changed the time on all those clocks. If they hadn't played this joke Charles would have been late for his own wedding!

They've got plenty of time now, so they get some coffee and drink it outside on the grass. Fiona decides to make a speech.

'I'll just say a little word,' she begins. 'I've watched Charles's girlfriends come and go for years now. I was worried that he would never get married! But now everything's going to be fine. Unfortunately, his bride is quite crazy - but perhaps that's why he loves her! So let's drink to Charles and his beautiful girl on this sad day. Be happy - and don't forget us!'

'Thank you,' says Charles. 'To Charles - and Duck-Face!' They raise their plastic coffee cups and drink. 'Thank you, Fiona, for those few kind words about my future wife!' Charles replies. 'She's sent a message for you, too!'

Charles pulls out a piece of paper and reads - or pretends to read from it. "If any of you come near my house, I'll send the dogs out to get you!"

Everyone laughs, and they set off for the church. Today, perhaps for the first time ever, Charles won't be late!

John is one of the first guests to arrive. He's the man whose wife was still seeing Toby de Lisle. And he's actually Henrietta's brother.

'Hope my sister arrives,' he says to Charles. 'You can't have a wedding without a bride, you know. And why didn't you have a party last night?'

'Oh, but we did, we did - we didn't think it was a good idea!' says Charles hurriedly. John, of course, was not invited to the party!

'You look lovely today, Fi,' Charles says to Fiona, as they enter the church together. She's wearing a smart jacket of red, blue and other colours.

'Yes,' she replies. 'I decided that I wouldn't wear black any more.' Usually, Fiona chooses black or dark colours for her clothes. 'From now on, I'm going to wear bright colours, and find somebody who'll fall in love with me. That'll be different, won't it?'

'You're a dear girl,' says Charles, and gives her a friendly kiss.

Charles stays alone in the church. He walks around and looks rather uncomfortable and nervous. He doesn't look as happy as bridegrooms usually look on their wedding day.

Outside the church, Scarlett and Matthew are welcoming the guests. As usual, Scarlett is wearing something strange - this time it's a formal wedding suit, but made in a man's style. It looks quite sweet on her, but a little bit odd. Suddenly, she screams! Chester has come - her tall, charming American from Carrie and Hamish's wedding. She is delighted!

'I thought that you'd gone back to America!' she says, excitedly.

'Without you?' he asks. 'Never!' And he gives her a big kiss.

An old man appears at the door. It's the crazy man who sat next to Charles at the first wedding!

'Bride or groom?' Matthew asks him, so that he can show him where to sit.

The old man looks at him angrily. 'I'm neither!' he says. 'Can't you see?'

Tom is looking after a young lady called Deirdre.

'Bride or groom?' he asks her.

'Bride,' she says. She looks like a nice girl - very gentle and pretty. But for Tom, it's something more. It's love at first sight!

'Haven't we met before?' he asks her.

'Yes, we have, about twenty-five years ago. We're cousins - well, distant cousins!' she smiles at him. 'You're Tom, aren't you?'

'So you're family! Wonderful - well, do sit here, Deirdre,' he says.

'Good God!' he tells himself, as he walks away. 'Thunder and lightning!'

Charles is even more nervous now, as he sees all the guests coming in.

'Good luck!' says the priest, passing by.

Lydia and Bernard arrive together, and Charles goes over to welcome them.

'How are you?' he asks.

'Very tired, actually,' says Bernard.

Then Charles suddenly sees Carrie, who has come alone. He didn't have any idea that she was coming. She's looking elegant but she seems to be in a quiet mood, and a little sad.

'Hi!' he says. 'You look lovely. But then you always look nice at weddings!'

She smiles at him.

'How's Hamish?' he asks.

'Oh, he's fine - I think,' she says.

'You think?' asks Charles, surprised. 'What do you mean?'

'He wasn't the right man for me after all,' she says.

'You've left him?'

'We left each other,' she tells him. She looks quite weak, and Charles leads her to a quiet place at the side of the church where they can talk.

'When did this happen?' he asks her.

'Oh, a few months ago. March was hell. But by April, we'd made all the decisions and it was OK. I won't marry someone so old again!' She tries to turn it into a joke, but obviously she is not very happy.

'Charlie!' calls Matthew. 'Time to go!'

'Yes, yes - I'm coming,' says Charles, not really listening to him. 'But why didn't you ring me up?'

'Well, I thought about it,' Carrie replies, 'and I wanted to but things were so difficult then. You'd better go now. I'll see you later.'

'I'll show you to your seat,' Charles says. 'We just didn't get it right, did we? If only we'd been together at the right time...'

'Yes, we got it wrong,' Carrie says sadly.

'Terrible. Awful,' says Charles, and he means it. 'But it's so lovely to see you!'

'Well, good luck,' says Carrie finally. 'It's very easy, you know, getting married. You just say, "I do" whenever anyone asks you a question.'

'We'd better go to the front,' Matthew tells Charles.

'Can you give me a moment, Matthew?' Charles asks him.

'Of course,' says Matthew, who thinks that Charles wants to go to the toilet.

But Charles is no longer in the right mood for his wedding. He goes into an empty side room and says, 'Dear God, please forgive me for what I am going to say in your church - Damn! Damn! Damn and hell!'

'Can I help you?' asks a sympathetic voice. A priest steps out from behind a curtain in the same room, where he was washing his hands. It seems that the room was not empty.

'Oh - no, thanks!' says Charles, embarrassed. 'I was doing some exercises - you know, for my voice. This is a big church!'

'Excellent, I often do the same myself- I use rather different words, of course. I'll leave you alone now.'

Charles still cannot come back out into the church, and Tom and Matthew are getting worried.

'The bride's arriving now,' says Matthew. A large black car has driven up to the church and Henrietta gets out with her father. She is dressed finely for the wedding, in white, with flowers in her hair.

'Well, that's great,' says Tom. 'Because we've lost the groom.'

'Try to keep her outside for a bit,' says Matthew. 'I'll go and look for Charles.'

'Matthew!' says Charles brightly when he sees his best man. He is very unhappy. 'Good to see you! Tell me - what do you think about marriage?'

'Well -' says Matthew, uncertain how to answer this. 'I think that it's really good, if you love the other person with all your heart.'

'Exactly,' says Charles. 'But I've been to so many weddings, and now it's my own wedding day - and I'm still thinking.'

'What are you thinking about? Can I ask?'

'No, no - better not,' says Charles.

Tom is now standing at the church door, talking to Henrietta and her father. 'I'm terribly sorry,' he says. 'The service will be a few minutes late. There's a problem with the flowers.'

'With the flowers?' asks Henrietta. 'What problem?' She clearly doesn't want any problems on her well-planned wedding day. Henrietta gets annoyed very easily.

'Well,' says Tom, thinking hard, 'they are making some people ill, so we have to move them.'

Henrietta and her father look angry, but they wait at the door. People in the church are getting restless now too. They're wondering what's happening. The bride must have arrived by now. Where is the groom?

'I think they believed me!' Tom tells Scarlett. He is pleased with himself. 'People think I'm stupid, you see. So they don't realize that I can tell a clever lie!'

David has now joined Matthew and Charles in the side room. Charles still won't go back into the church. He is too unhappy and confused. David hits the table to make a noise, so that Charles will notice him.

'What's happening? Tell me!' he signs.

'Oh, God,' Charles signs back. 'I just saw Carrie. She and Hamish have separated.'

'Charles, it's your wedding day,' David tells him.

'What's your advice?' Charles asks.

'Well, you can do one of three things. Number one: just get married, as you've planned.'

Charles nods.

'Number two: you can go back and say, "Sorry - no wedding today!'" David continues.

'I don't like that idea,' says Charles. 'What's number three?'

'Number three -' signs David. 'Well, I can't think what that is.'

'Hell,' says Charles.

There is a knock on the door, and the priest comes in.

'Hello,' he says, smiling. 'Are you ready to meet the enemy?'

'Are we?' asks Matthew. It's not really a joke at all. Everyone looks at Charles.

'Yes,' says Charles. 'Excellent.'

He tries not to look at Carrie as he walks to the front of the church and sits down. The wedding music starts, and Charles and Matthew stand up together. The doors at the back open, and Henrietta, proud and beautiful, walks down the aisle with her father.

She pulls at her father's arm. She is annoyed with him. 'Don't hold me so tightly, Dad,' she whispers angrily.

The priest begins to read aloud the words of the wedding service. As Charles listens to the priest's words he looks confused and worried. The priest asks whether anyone thinks that Charles and Henrietta should not get married. The question is in the wedding service because that is the law. If either the bride or the groom is already married, for example, then someone may say that they are breaking the law. Usually, of course, no one answers the question. But this time there is a loud noise. David is knocking on his wooden church seat.

'I'm sorry - does someone want to speak?' the priest asks, very surprised.

David puts up his hand.

'Yes - what is it?'

David, of course, can't speak aloud, so he begins to sign to Charles.

'One second,' says Charles, as he signs back. 'What's going on?'

'I thought of idea number three,' David tells him.

'What?'

'Will you translate?'

'Translate what?'

'What's happening, Charles?' asks the priest.

'Charles - what?' asks his bride.

'He wants me to translate what he's saying,' says Charles.

'And what is he saying?' asks the priest.

'He says: "I suspect that the groom is having doubts. I suspect that he would like to delay the wedding. I suspect that the groom...'

'Really loves another woman,' signs David. Charles does not translate this. 'It's true, isn't it, Charles? Think about it, because it's for the rest of your life, Charles. It's final. So you must only marry the person who you love with all your heart. And - your trousers are undone!'

It is a kind of joke, but Charles looks down at the zip on his trousers. He is totally confused.

'What's he saying?' asks the priest.

'He suspects that the groom loves another woman,' answers Charles.

'And do you? Do you, Charles?'

Charles is silent for a moment. Everybody in the church looks shocked. They are all staring at Charles. Henrietta is staring at Charles too. She can't believe this is happening.

'I do,' he replies, in the words of the wedding service.

Suddenly, Henrietta screams. She throws down her flowers and hits Charles hard in the eye. He falls over, and she hits and kicks him again. She has really lost her temper this time! She is very, very angry, and maybe a little crazy too. Some people rush to the front of the church to help Charles. Other people try to stop Henrietta attacking him. The situation gets very confused. The wedding is certainly not going to happen today!

Back in Charles's kitchen later that afternoon, everyone is still shocked. Outside it is pouring with rain and the thunder crashes in the sky.

'My God!' says Scarlett. For once, she doesn't really know what to say.

'Well,' says Tom, trying to be helpful. 'At least we won't forget this wedding! I mean, a lot of weddings are the same, aren't they? Afterwards, you can't remember them at all. But this one was really different!'

'Yes - it didn't have a wedding service,' says Matthew, in a dry voice.

Charles doesn't say anything. He has a black eye.

'Poor girl,' says Fiona. 'No, I really mean it - poor girl! OK, she's not my favourite person in the world. But you've done a terrible thing, Charles - I think it's quite unforgivable.'

Charles is shocked too. He can't quite believe that he did this. 'Poor Hen,' he says, 'I don't even want to think about it, it's so awful.'

'But if you weren't sure that you wanted to marry her on your wedding day, then it was probably the right decision, wasn't it?' Tom asks.

Usually, Fiona is rude about everything that Tom says. But now she simply says, 'You're right, Tom,' and touches his cheek lovingly.

'It's a lovely dress,' says Scarlett. 'I'm sure it'll be useful for parties!'

'I blame myself,' signs David.

'What did he say?' asks Matthew.

'He says that he blames himself' Charles translates.

'No!' shouts everyone together. 'No, you mustn't do that, David!'

'Yes, they blame you too!' Charles unkindly tells his brother.

The doorbell rings, and everyone gets up.

'No,' says Charles. 'I'll answer it. If there's a problem, it's my problem.'

But it's Carrie at the door. It's pouring with rain, and she's very wet.

'Hello,' she says.

'Hi! God, you're wet!' says Charles. 'Come in!'

'No, no, I'm fine,' she replies. 'I'm so wet that I can't get any wetter. Do you know what I mean?' She smiles at him, but she's also very serious.

'OK - then I'll come out,' Charles says.

'No, please don't!' says Carrie. 'I just wanted to see if you were all right. I wanted to make sure that you weren't killing yourself or anything.'

But Charles steps out and joins her in the rain. They stand together on the pavement, and after a few seconds, he is completely wet too.

'It was wrong of me to come to the church this morning - I'm sorry. I can see that you're OK, so I'd better go now.'

'No - wait - I'm to blame, not you,' says Charles. 'I behaved really badly today. But I'm sure about one thing now - marriage is not right for me at all. And I learnt another thing. When I was standing there in the church, I realized for the first time that I totally, completely love one person, with all my heart. And that person wasn't my bride. It's the person who's here with me now, in the rain.'

'Is it still raining?' asks Carrie. 'I didn't notice.'

'In fact, I've loved you since the first minute I saw you. You're not suddenly going away again, are you?' he asks in alarm.

'No, I might be washed away by the rain, but I'm not going away again.'

'OK, OK, we'll go back in,' says Charles. 'But first, can I ask you one thing? Do you think - do you think that you could agree not to marry me? After we've got dry again, of course. And after we've spent lots of time together. Do you think that you could agree not to be married to me, for the rest of your life?'

Carrie looks at him, her eyes very serious now.

'Do you?' he asks her.

'I do,' she answers, in the words of the wedding service.

They kiss - and above, in the stormy skies of London, there is thunder and lightning for Charles too.

And how does the future go? Well, if we move forwards in time and take some more photos, we see something like this:

A picture of Henrietta at her wedding. She's forgotten all about Charles now; she's marrying a handsome soldier. He's wearing a uniform with a red jacket, and she's laughing as they leave the church.

And here's a picture of Charles's brother David, marrying Serena. They both look very sweet - a good couple!

What about Scarlett? Yes, here's a picture of her - she's getting married to Chester, her big American. She's wearing something different, as usual - a white cow-girl hat.

There's a picture of Tom and Deirdre too, taken at their wedding reception. They're outside Tom's enormous house. Tom's black dog is in the photo too, and Deirdre is wearing the 'country girl' wedding dress that Carrie refused to buy.

Here's one of Matthew, looking happy again. He's found a new boyfriend. He's younger than Gareth - about the same age as Matthew. They're at a party together. It's good that Matthew can leave all his old sadness behind.

And Fiona? Who's she with? Well, it seems to be Prince Charles! They're not exactly married yet, but she's out with him in public. He looks serious, as usual, but she's wearing an enormous pink hat and has got a big smile on her face.

Charles and Carrie are still not married. At least, there are no wedding photos, so they can't have got married. They must have kept their promise. But they do have a baby - a lovely little boy. In our photo, Charles is pointing at the camera and Carrie is smiling. We can see that they're very happy together, and that they're getting on fine without the sound of wedding bells!

- THE END -

About a Boy

Date: 2015-12-18; view: 684